Friday, May 21, 2010

Rakhi Sawant at Cannes

Everybuddy is talking about Aishwarya and Deepika at Cannes. These ladies are just standing on some rad carpet and getting their photo-shoto clicked. Arre bhai, yeh Canne kya hai, mujhe bhi batao? The moment I come to know it is not a body part, I tell my agent, meraa bhi ticket book karao, abhee. I am Rakhi Sawant, India’s item queen. Who is this Mallika Sherawat, posing in her petticoat-blouse, giving mouth to mouth to snakes? What she can do I can do batter. I can do a lot of other things with snakes. People talking about boob-quake? My jhatka-matkas have moved Bihar to UP and UP to West Bangaal. Only Rakhi Sawant, full-full Desi girl deserves to be at Cannes.


Buss aur kya, I sat in the plane. I asked a passenger, Cannes waali plane hain naa? Wake me up when Cannes comes. I am so tired naa, dancing non-stop, acting non-stop, dramabaazi non-stop. But what to do, when you are the Amitabh Bachchan of Indian television: yeh sabh karnaa parta hai.

I have heard Cannes has a film festival, where big-big stars & big-big directors come. I will ask for a full frontal meeting with Martin Scorcee-cee. I can also try for, in your face meeting with Tarantino, the basterd director. Salaa, he is just like me, poor in spellings, calls his film Ingluorious Basterds. He makes dhishum-dhishum movies, I will tell him, you must have a Rakhi item number in your next movie. I also want to ask Russel Crow...arre, why crow, dirty black, ugly bird. Why not Russel Cock, Russel Peacock? So many beautiful-beautiful birds to choose from.


Cannes mein pohunchee, what a weather. I told the taxi driver, open the doors of the windows, let the climate come in. I saw so many film stars. Eva Languriya, the desperate housewife. Natee si, kaali si hai...just like me. Kate Beckinsale wearing white frilly, fluffy dress, like it is her own happy budday party! I ask her, frock sale me liyaa kya? Kate Blanket bhi dikhee. Saree heroines kintnee phikee,phikee, aur mai god kitnee patlee.

Evening I went to this hi-fi restaurant Chez Astoux, I order butter chicken, they look at me as if I am mad. I tell them, kuch bhi le aao. Jeejuzz, the food all raw-raw and moving also. Hai-Hai, you take so much money and can’t even cook I shouted. Later I went to Disco7 for dancing-shancing. Only men? Where are all the women I asked? This is a gay club ma’am, I was told. Haan toh! Women can be gay and very happy. These people, so funny naa.

Next day I want to do some sight-seeing. Go to Nice and Monaco, I was told. Are you making jokes with me? These are biscuits I have with my Chai! How can I go there? Khair Chodo, I tried to have many backside meetings with producer types. All of them too busy uff. I wanted to stand on the rad carpet, nobuddy let me. They still do not know what a great-big star Rakhi Sawant is naa.

Next year, I will have Rakhi ka Swayamwar at Cannes. George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, even Jack Nicholson, all of them will be running after me with garlands. Then photographers will also be running after me for photos.

Chalo jaane do, before leaving me let me go and meet Ash. I heard due to Ash planes not flying in Europe. I wonder how she managed that?

43 comments:

  1. very funny...even you are not taking rakhi sawant seriously..kum se kum..blog shog mein kuch patta tho dho bechaari ko..

    ReplyDelete
  2. "Russel Cock, Russel Peacock"

    "Let climate come it"

    "due to Ash planes not flying in Europe"

    What witty man! It was fun to read. It seemed as if Rakhi herself is speaking...captured her dramabazzi realiy well! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. o seat ai i mist tha kaan feshtival...

    oh zejus thees iz sucha gud posht i hau to put put in mai blag - and iu no whot I uill shay to Malika's and aishwarya's and deepikas of tha wholrd ?

    jaako raakhi saiyan maar sakhi na koy !

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hilarious! ROFL! Did you happen to talk to Rakhi lately? It was so much like her. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I actually thought I will sit and watch a few of her shows to get it right. The very thought of it stressed me out.
    So it was good ole google and newsclips that came to my rescue.
    Thanks Madhusudhan,Karan and Nethra.

    GB...flattered :))

    ReplyDelete
  6. "I can do a lot of other things with snakes"....."Eva Languriya"....."Russel Cock"... "These are biscuits I have with my Chai!"......oh man !!! Priceless !!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. wow purba! you have outdone yourself here!!!!

    absolutely rip roaring stuff!!!!!

    phew....

    ReplyDelete
  8. Fucking awesome! =) Guess, you're too much inspired by Rakhi, eh? :P

    ReplyDelete
  9. hahahaha :D hillarious take on Rakhi ... Rakhi never cease to entain us :P

    ReplyDelete
  10. I like this celebrity diary concept..Eagerly waiting for the next...wonder what she will go wearing if she is actually asked to walk the red-carpet..woh din door nahin...like ms.sherawat all she needs is to suck up to a chinese tiger or a hidden hollywood dragon...maybe the tiny choli blouse and the marathi koli style bottom..hahaha, will be hilarious...

    ReplyDelete
  11. Wonderful Purba...never read a better piece!

    I watched her yesterday with a tiny girl with whom she has a brawl on TV a year back...they danced together and then made up on TV...it was so put on that I needed to puke. She looks huge now...her face growing bigger by the day...the cartoon said it all.

    love your writing, WAY TO GO!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sug...Should we suggest cock to Russel?

    Raja...The CC syndrome

    magiceye..Really?? aww thanks:))

    Arijit..what to do, she is awfully, awesome.

    Rajlakshmi...yea,gutsy and entertaining

    Journomuse..am dying to do a Mamata Banerjee diary :))

    Nalini...she thrives on attention. Doesn't she look like a man?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Purba......awesome post, reading your post felt like watching Raakhi sawant's interview! Your attention to detail is very good. Such a stupid actress, I dono why the media is trying to keep her in the news even though they themselves know that she is stupid.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Rakhi ka swayamvar in Cannes... Brad Pitt and Clooney may be literaly at each other's throat to ge Rakhi... No wonder why there is a problem in Brad-Jolie family life...

    Anyways all the truck load of bolly stras go to Cannes to make a joke out of themselves!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. "due to Ash planes not flying in Europe" was best...

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anto, she is far from stupid, look how well she has managed her career.

    Jon, you think so? But the Indian junta loves lapping up the news and are never short of views.

    Shrinidhi, thank you :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. It's Awesome ... sounds exactly like Rakhi ... poor she :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. LOl... amazing :):):).. very entertaining :)..keep going gal !!:)

    ReplyDelete
  19. lol :D.. I loved it..
    I could actually imagine the whole thing..

    ReplyDelete
  20. Wow! Hilarious post! I think it's my first time here, and I really enjoyed my visit.

    Purba, your writing is too good and I've never read such a comical post. Very well done!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Jeejuzz where ever I go I grab eyeballs. I am thinking I will write a novel Rakhi ishtyle..

    Thanks Sharmila...if you have grown up in Delhi, it's not too difficult :)

    Yo babe..Thanks Priyanka

    @ Pooja..really??

    @ Parth....wow, thanks a ton

    ReplyDelete
  22. hahaha it ws absolutely hilarious lolll :)) :P

    ReplyDelete
  23. Thanks Rajani and devilzangel, glad you liked it :))

    ReplyDelete
  24. ya really.. I'm pretty sure this is exactly what she would have said. she's predictable.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Absolutely funneeee.. you have picked up Rakhi's style of speaking very well. If Rakhi sees this post.. I am sure she will immediately apply for a patent for her unique lingo.. you never know ..given her fan following in the idiot box it may one day become our 15th official language..

    ReplyDelete
  26. Ha Ha! I'm gonna die laughin'... awesome..!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. haha :) please post this to rakee ,hilarious :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S. :D

    A Rocking Post!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  29. @ rajashree..Isn't it already, atleast in Delhi?

    Thank you conflictofemotions & Shilpa :)

    @vintage obsession..If I post this to Rakhi...she will chop me into miniscule pieces or something even worse, like torture me with an item number...

    ReplyDelete
  30. STUPENDOUS!!!!!!!!!! Tumi kon asman eh pouchhe gyachho!!!!

    Hashteh hasteh peteh byatha .. You have so perfected her mannerisms ..

    Suj

    ReplyDelete
  31. A hilarious start, somewhere got slow! Sorry for the bluntness!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Awesome post! I was LOL ing all the way!! Thanks for making me laugh :D

    ReplyDelete
  33. @ MMB..You wrote what you felt..Positive feedback is always welcome

    think-tank..:))

    ReplyDelete
  34. ROFL... Sooper like... This was more like, you reported her every word after having interviewed her.. :P Awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  35. That was one hilarious post... When I read 'Jeejuzz' I could actually hear her saying that... good work with the spellings and the grammar... they are just so Rakhi Sawant... And the Amithabh Bachchan of Indian Television got me ROFL... u r quite gutsy to write the post as well as to decide to watch her shows... Great work...

    ReplyDelete
  36. Howlarious post! "Russell Cock, Eva Languriya"..ahahahhahaaa OH Jejus!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Priceless post, almost as much as Ma'am Rakhi herself!
    I wonder where she is at these days. Must be planning that swayamwar over Nice and Monaco biscuits!
    :D

    ReplyDelete
  38. the funniest line was Rakhi asking the passenger "Ye Cannes wali plane hai na?"...
    Next thing, Rakhi asking AR Rahman, "Rahman Ji Oscar Express, kaun se platform se jaayegi?"

    loved it

    ReplyDelete
  39. "full frontal meeting"... hahahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  40. Man.... !! Dat was fun !!.. Haha... Open the doors of the windows.. LOL... I am gonna read this whenever I am depressed... U made my day !!

    ReplyDelete
  41. By Jeejus ke kasaam, where is she? She was my muse for a very long time. Khair chhodo, now we have Veena Malik and Sreesanth to keep us entertained :p

    ReplyDelete

Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...