Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Ten Ways To Hitch A Ride To Heaven

“Concerned at the drastic drop in violence levels in Jammu & Kashmir, Pakistani authorities are now offering a pay hike to Kashmiri terrorists....from 5000 a month to 8000-10000 now” The Times of India

Think about it, people. It is 48 degrees in Gurgaon. There is no electricity. There is no water. Your European vacation is waylaid by this volcano in - of all places - Iceland. Might as well just give up and go back to your roots. To the One who plonked you in the middle of all this. India offers a unique blend of traditional and modern ways of making this trip, aided in part by our friendly neighbours.

1. Shop till you drop. Go hunting for that noodle strap top in Sarojini Nagar, or that killer choli in Lajpat Nagar on a crowded weekend, preferably near festival days. You have the option of a Hindu or a Muslim bomb going off in the garbage can next to you just as you are polishing off that plate of steaming hot momos with the lethal red sauce. Spicy!

2. Contact Ram Sene for Rent-a-riot services. Let’s say, you are an artist looking for that big break. For a fee, Muthalik will arrange a riot-worthy chief guest at your exhibition, conduct the riot to your specifications, fracture your leg (the break that you needed), and offer a complimentary ride in an ambulance to the farthest government hospital. If the riot did not kill you, the hospital will. A perfect frame.

3. Try the railways. Of the several options available, the latest one is to just go to the station and wait for the announcement that your train is now coming in platform 23 instead of platform 1, leaving in 5 minutes. What will ensue is not a stampede, as you may think. It is merely Indians, who are prone to ‘tripping’ as Mamata Didi has so eloquently put it, that will trample on you, crushing your bones, lungs and heart into dough that can be easily transported to your loved ones in a Maggi Noodle carton, by Registered Post, Acknowledgement Due.

4. Tried the highway? Helps if you have a rich dad. Just floor the gas pedal in that BMW you got last month and let go of the steering. To really make it work, down a few drinks with friends and get out a little past midnight. European engineering at its best.

5. If you are a woman, you are spoilt for choice. You could try getting burnt for dowry, have acid thrown on your face, get grievously assaulted, kidnapped. The younger you are, the better your chances.

6. In Haryana heartland, the options get even more exciting. All you have to do is fall in love with a person of the same gotra. This, for the benefit of my readers from the West, is anybody who descended from Adam and Eve. Or fall in love with someone from another caste. This, for the benefit of my readers from the West, is anybody who did NOT descend from Adam and Eve. In either event, the Khap Panchayat, consisting of village elders, or the Baap Panchayat consisting of your dad and male siblings, will take care of you. They are not very good at properly carving heads, but the remaining remains will be packed in bite-size pieces in bio-degradable gunny bags. Very environment friendly.

7. Fake encounters. Not the most efficient because it involves State participation. And the police, who may mix up the Intelligence – you cannot find a more inappropriate use of this word – and end up killing someone else. But, nevertheless, an option. Connaught Place is a preferred venue because of the grand skyline.

8. Real encounters. Way more efficient in terms of the number of people saved every day from their humdrum existence. Jharkhand, Chattisgarh, Battisgarh – all of them offer an excellent safari experience atop a ramshackle bus through lush green foliage as you negotiate the terrain, trepidation in your heart. TV coverage arrives in minutes, not letting your loved ones miss the sight of you gasping for your last breath, your brain leaking out through the bullet hole in your skull, blood oozing out of your left thigh. Don’t forget to wax before you venture out.

9. Stay home. Just make sure you are old and rich. South Delhi and DLF City are the rage. If your neighbours don’t know you, you can spite them by having the stench of your rotting flesh get into their central AC ducts, hanging in there for months.

10. If you are unlucky, you have to just wait and die of old age. How unspectacular.


  1. would have been funny if it was not so true....

  2. Oh my! Oh my!
    I started reading it thinkign it was a humorous post. But as the news bits flashed in my memory, I reaslised that you have summarized the past year's newsbits. Talk to security in India!

  3. Nice. I prefer the 10th way. :)

  4. Wit and panache all through.
    Love you!

  5. @ magiceye..reality always sucks

    @Iniyaal..Talking to security in India will help??

    @unfortunately Nethra we do not get to choose fate, fate chooses us.


  6. soumya mukherjee25 May, 2010 15:14

    u can opt to be a killer rather than kilee.join politics-europpe in summer,no trains,highwasys cleared for u,top security who will take the bullet for u.no unwelcome intruders.or take up our neighbours offer.posting in kashmir,all exences,stipend doubled.

  7. Quite cynical, funny but true...
    Another one is to antagonise Shiv Sena by writing blasphemous things about Indian Culture...or get a fatwa on your head.
    Bollywood Magic

  8. How about coming under blue line buses?

  9. Soumya...Joining politics is a good idea but the brickbats and scam taints are some of the unsavory side effects. Imagine having to argue with a bunch of hooligans at a parliament session!! SCARY

    Lazy Pineapple..Yea just say Bombay loudly...LOL

    S.R Ayyangar...Could always try that :))

  10. 10th one for me! Intersetingly intricated real life incidences...

    Another one could be: You pay for one destination to another by flight but the pilot takes you to heavens for free, as a summer bonanza offer!

  11. Nice blog & good post. You have beautifully maintained it, you must try this website which really helps to increase your traffic. hope u have a wonderful day & awaiting for more new post. Keep Blogging!

  12. Clearly the best post I have read on this blog. I enjoyed all the other posts, too. But this one has a very refined humor. I loved it.

  13. Quiet cynical but sarcasm at its best... :)

  14. Karan..Ahh the tragic Mangalore crash...

    Thank you Claudia

    Raja..hmm thanks

    Lakshmi Rajan..dark black humor...

  15. women you should seriously send this to the papers :) its freaking awesome :)

  16. Great Post - very tongue in cheek and sarcastic with the unmistakable ring of truth! Enjoyed reading it!

  17. Cynicism is the power of acute observation. ! But this post is not about cynicism at all isnt it? it is about history and for the thinker..what beholds us in the future if this is the history we live in.

    on my part - ...I am too busy 'beaming' , 'alping' , 'nike-ing' , 'gulping' , 'partying' ,'splurging' ,'dancing', carbon-emitting' ,'bloggin' - and the likes, that I hardly get time.

    The day I do something about it - I will speak about it. Till then...

  18. Insanity destroys reason, but not wit. This was a, hell, brilliant post. Sarcastic. Purba, you do deserve a thumbs up from me for this post! Keep writing.

    PS: Will you follow my blog if I tell you I am following yours, now? :)

  19. @ Vintage...Imagine a National daily suggesting ways to die to it's readers....

    @ Hey thanks Sowmya :)

    @ GB.. Will we ever?..we read about it newspapers,nod our heads in agreement...a few of us might ponder over it...but will expect someone else to raise cudgels on our behalf!

    @Arijit..Thank you brand new follower. So will I be termed insane, beyond reason if I follow your blog?

  20. @Purba
    A-R-J-I-T. You never know; people may treat you as an alien, if you tell them that you are following my blog! Let it be, I'll be waiting for your next post! :)

  21. Sarcasm at its best!!
    But all happen around us!! Sad and ugly aspects of this life! :(

  22. this is too frigging real to be funny..10 different ways to die adventurously, and no real reason to live for, how come we are now 1.2 billion people? what am i missing?

  23. And we are still not sure that we go to heaven!!!...we might as well as go through an adventure!!!

  24. Simple and effective summarisation of some of the biggest news items in recent times. Will they are items because they were used to raise trps, get more sponsors and offcourse make the aam junta aware! Such a shame really.

    Honestly, I rather die a spectacular death than die old. But Pakistan is paying too less, maybe I should contact Mossad! LOL.

  25. Brilliant,Sad,Sarcastic....

    Quite something actually.

  26. ...your writing makes much of White Tiger seem like a walk in the park


  27. Nice way to show the pathetic situation of our country. The only problem is, even we go to heave the devils will remain on earth... sigh! Anyways beautifully written post... keep them coming...


  28. @ Menon..Didn't Ghulam Nabi Azad, our hon'ble minister for health and welfare suggest television to curb population growth?

    @ Shilpa..Sad & ugly truth

    @ Shahid..Heaven is a state of mind?

    @ Nishant..Yea why get killed when you can kill! But seriously Mossad..the training is enough to send you heaven wards.

    @ Rahul..Thanks :))

    @ Amit..We blindfold ourselves to reality

    @ Tavish..Like the name sensible-bakwas :)

  29. Air India, perhaps is the easiest way to reach heaven. They will take you on a roller coaster ride. They will take you to the sky, too close to heaven, then they will ride you down, too close to landing on earth. But just then you begin to think you lost your chance to reach heaven...boom..you are in heaven(permanently).

  30. Rent-a-riot!!! Friggin awesome!

    Stumbled upon your blog, thank heavens!!

    Laughing out!!

  31. Black comedy (my fave sub-genre) and a very good example of it! Reminds me of a similar post I wrote a few years back. Yours is waaay more epic though :D

  32. Sad and true. Written with wit.

  33. Hi Purba, Though late, I just read your excellent blog> Good style and content.

  34. Joshi...You should be part of Air India's PR team.

    Bunty..Glad you liked it.

    Kaushik...Thanks :)

    Shail..Sad but true it is.

    Sudhas...Thank you.

  35. very funny. Although the railways is much more efficient killing machine. Simply buy a ticket, hop on, and wait for the derailment.


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