Saturday, June 12, 2010

How to lose weight...in eight easy steps


1. Crib, whine and complain to anyone and everyone even remotely willing to listen. How can she be so slim, she hogs all the time. Why don’t I fit into my skinnies anymore? I hate my genes, I hate my jeans...Do it loudly and try to pack in as many expressions as possible. Helps you shed fat from your cheeks. If after a few days, your friends start running in the opposite direction the moment they spot you, catch up with them, you could even try out-running them. Don’t forget to turn around to catch their puzzled expression. Do it at least 5 times a week.

2. Stand outside the bakery shop and drool. You know you can’t have that sinful tiramisu or that absolutely divine dark chocolate orange cake, but can definitely salivate. Inhale deeply and to make it more effective you could try a few reps of “kapal-bhati”. Your quivering stomach might attract curious stares, pay no heed to them.

3. Be more active and make it fun. Hide the remote from your family members. If they try and snatch it from you, run around the dining table. Ten rounds should be sufficient. Take the stairs, but do it with a difference. Two steps up, three steps down-time consuming but very-very effective. In office no more e mailing instructions & memos, insist on hand delivering them. Will help you bond better with your colleagues and you also get to hear instant reactions.



4. If you travel a lot and hardly find time to exercise don’t let that deter you from your fitness plans. Exercising mid air can be such fun. Insist on walking up and down the aisle especially when the plane is about to take off. Inclined surface walking helps you shed more calories. Ignore the frantic pleas of the airhostess. You could also play the good Samaritan and earn some brownie points. Offer to take out baggage for all passengers from the overhead locker, will help you build your biceps/triceps. A back pain is but a petty sacrifice for bulging muscles.

5. Do not turn down lunch/dinner invites from friends and relatives. Agreed they insist on plying you with food especially when they come to know you are on a diet. A melodramatic nahiiiin (bollywood ishtyle) should do the trick. If the friend/relative happens to be a particularly irritating specimen, try “kutte, kameene, main tera..............” It always works and rest assured you will never be offered a second helping the rest of your life.

6. If you are a party animal, good for you. The moment the DJ starts playing the tracks, hit the dance floor with a vengeance. Hop, jump, skip, throw up your arms, twist-turn, jiggle-wiggle, turn round and round. Nobody will dare come near you and you might just get the whole dance floor to yourself. Dancing to bhangra beats is preferred.

7. A diet of fruits and vegetables is ideal for losing weight. But don’t be a lazy bum and take an easy route to your neighbourhood vendor. Scout for farms that grow vegetables and have them fresh off the field. Climb up trees to pluck fruits. If an irate farmer tries to chase you with a stick, you get an added bonanza of intense cardio. Once a week should do the trick.

8. Hang out with all your fat friends. If you have lost touch with them, hunt for them, reconnect with them. Serenade them with chocolates and ice cream cakes. Treat them to butter chicken and dal-makhani (you can have the roasted pappad and raita). They will not mind a few extra inches on their already rotund frame. You will feel slimmer and better about yourself in their company. And who knows you might just be dispensing this newly acquired gyaan to them.

Disclaimer: This post is not to be confused with “How to lose friends and alienate people...in eight easy steps”.


35 comments:

  1. hahah nice post. I read this right after my work out at the gym. Goal is to lose atleast 20 kgs..
    http://followmyrecipe.blogspot.com/

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  2. Ha ha ha!! Weight loss ho ya na ho, friends to bhaag hi jayenge!! Wonderful post! :)

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  3. @ Lakshmi :D

    @ Curry Spice...Steep goal, all the best to you. Just keep away from Mum's cooking :D

    @ Shilpa...Bhagenge to pakaad lenaa :)

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  4. That might surely work but I'm lazy to even try. :P

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  5. This was worth reading, and funny! =) I got to make some people read this as soon as possible. Thank you for writing this! ;-)

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  6. Nethra, you must have been a bong in your previous birth. We bongs define procrastination.

    Mangoman, Damn I have landed myself a staunch critic. He will have me trying harder.

    Arjit, Why only some people?

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  7. Not a word against bongs... We love the easy going way... We do not procrastinate... we just tend to think things through... remember "look before you leap"

    and about losing weight, I found only two ways:
    1) if you are going out, take the minimum amount with you in your wallet.. that way you cannot spend even if you want..
    2) If you are at home, God help you!!!

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  8. hehe, really funny..here's my sure-fire weight loss formula. settle in front of the couch, switch to an exercise programme. See those slim, svelte bodies sweating. Feel yourself become one with their intensity. Do this for a week and you will feel like you had shed a lot of weight. ;)works for me all the time!!

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  9. Oh my god!!! My stomach is aching after reading this post..rofl..lol :D Awesome!!!! Too funny!

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  10. Seriously, why is a certain gender obsessed with being stick thin? Good post, again :D

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  11. #1 and image is my favourite! :D

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  12. Great tips...I am starting right now...first with Tip No. 8...

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  13. Arreeyyyy!!! Witty wITTY....sUITS MY TASTE.....Keeping it coming hon

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  14. Kaushik, No wonder most of the guys from my batch are a pot bellied version of their former selves.

    Venai..:))

    Vikram...Searching for fat friends or making your friends fat?

    Witty Jester...More tips on weighloss??

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  15. Abhishekh..Agreed we Bongs are great thinkers. We just think :)

    Journomuse...Love your watch and lose weightloss program. Very very de-stressing.

    Thanks Jarlin & Ana_treek

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  16. hehe should try to do the plucking fresh from the farm thing...added advantage of having fresh food :)

    These tricks will surely make me lose some friends :P

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  17. Hey Purba!! Kartik here!!

    Am laughing aloud!! Was bit of upset when I started readin this post!! You made me laugh aloud with this post!! Thanks a ton!!

    Keep Writing, keep us smiling!! :)

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  18. People who whine about the need to loose weight get on my nerves... appreciate the sarcasm

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  19. Makes me a wee bit guilty for being on a chocolate diet lately ;P

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  20. @ LP...Yea with a free cardio thrown in :)

    @ karthik... Glad to be of assistance

    @Kalyan..Aw no, I whine too if and when I do!

    @KG....I can NEVER give up chocolates!

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  21. after reading the title i was like "wOw that's good" ... n then immediately my second thought was "Purba is writing ... has to be a different one if not difficult one" ... :)

    btw ...i m trying to lose some weight too ... but will stick to the old way ie. walking !!

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  22. wow!! very funny!!
    you know thnx to you I already shed 2 kilos :P!!
    very effective, you should write a book..

    on a serious note, I would swear by Rujuta Diwekar's: Don't Lose your Mind, Lose Your Weight. I've read it and it makes a lot of sense, and is not too difficult to follow..

    all the best to everyone (including me :D)!

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  23. LOL!!!! you are a riot!!!!!

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  24. Good one Purba...will tell all my weight-obsessed friends about your tips! :)

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  25. Superb stuff...ROFL

    I have decided to do the aeroplane gig if I ever climb into one!!!:D

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  26. Sharmila, walking is good, but running is better :)

    Pooja, I have heard good things about Rujuta's book too. But eating small meals every two hours is not always possible.

    Magiceye..I was MISSING your comment :)

    Supernova.. LOL sure

    Jon...Whenever you do, you must post the pictures!!

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  27. I'll try a few of these tricks :P
    I have a haunch you had started to write ten points originally, and then stopped at eight.

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  28. I'm on the thinner side. Please share some tips for putting on weight.

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  29. Well quite interesting theme presented in humorous way.Jobs that demand too much sitting affects health.Couple of my friends had issues related to spinal cord and disc,due to constant work while sitting for long hours.So,its a warning for many others.walk around, socialise, keep moving ,thats the way to remain flexible and fitter.

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  30. Raja...Nopes the title came first. But I wouldn't really mind giving 10 :P

    Joshi...Putting on weight is never a problem.

    Nithin..Absolutely,sedentary lifestyle is to blame.

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  31. That was funny !! And creative ..

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  32. It's been good to see your blog when I always look for such type of blogs. Thanks for your sharing. I have been really impressed by going through this awesome info. Recently i have read a very good online review about Fast Weight Loss Program. I hope that it will equally help you people in loosing weight.

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