Friday, June 25, 2010

The Not-So-Secret Diary of Mallika Sherawat

Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the fairest of them all. Ah, don’t bother mirror, think I will just tweet and ask my million fans. And ha, don’t I know the answer already. I am Mallika, Viagra to men, the hottiest hottie that ever will be. Damn am getting late for my appo with that hot shot Director. One look at my you-know-what and he was floored. I have this effect on men yaa.

Remember my first movie? Who doesn’t. That dude, watssisname, just wouldn’t stop kissing me. Giggle, giggle. Anyways the movie was hot but I was way hotter. All they talked about was my seventeen smooches. Seriously guys, were you actually counting? I wasn’t ;) A “Murder” later Mallika had arrived and how! Of course my non-stop bragging about my non-existent talent and miniscule wardrobe helped. I cooked up a cock and bull story about my small town beginnings. Too bad they found out that I did all of my schooling in Delhi and impressed my lecturers at Miranda House with my intellect. Bunking all classes without getting caught requires intellect naa.

It didn’t take long for Hollywood to discover a bombshell like me. I made my debut in an epic movie like Myth. My role was tailor-made so that the international audience could see more of me. The audience had to sit wide eyed throughout the movie, afraid to blink lest they miss my scintillating appearance. My jaw dropping appearance at the movie’s premier at Cannes had everybody sit up and take notice. And guys I had not forgotten my sari home and arrived in my petticoat and blouse. IT WAS A DESIGNER ENSEMBLE. Go get a fashion sense you morons! This year I stunned the fashion fraternity again at Cannes with my flair for style. I was named among the 13 best-dressed celebs. But does anyone back home care? Only the firangs appreciate a Diva like me. Boo to all you who thought I looked like a character out of a Tim Burton movie with a beehive of a hairstyle. I had a beehive because people call me honey. I make Yanni, the great musical maestro drool. Can you believe it, he dedicated his new composition to me even though his music is all Greek to me? Why just a composition, I have a milkshake named after me - Mallika shakes or is it Mallika shake? Who cares, I am never going to have it.

I am soooo looking forward to my new releases which might never be released. For my own production Hisss, I posed and preened at Cannes with terrified, sedated snakes. If Kate Perry sang I kissed a girl, I liked it I can now sing I kissed a snake, he liked it. Everybody is speculating whether Mallika will shed to make Hisstory. Of course I will yaa, my audience will not be coming to the theatres to see me in a Burqua and expect a Meryl Streep performance. I can only act off-screen and pretend to be a superstar.

Sigh, everybody wants a slice of Mallika. The other day Red Hot Chilli Peppers (the band) called; they want red-hot Mallika as their lucky mascot. Why am I not surprised? James Cameron wants to cast me in his new flick “Pandora ki beti”, as the howcanshenotbesexy snake woman prancing around in the jungles of Pandora. Imagine me draped on a tree in 3 D. Oooh.. super hot. But I have laid down a few conditions. Only my snake buddies (the ones I kissed) will be cast with me in the movie. And no Gujjus in the crew puhleeez - every time they have tea they insist on having snakes!! Apparently they have snakes EVERYDAY!! Eww....

Oh dear it’s time to switch on the mixie. Sigh, even Mallika needs to wash her clothes.

Inspiration-Rahul Sharma
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  1. lol!!! this was terrific!!
    abs hissarious!!

  2. But Mallika's English is better. Once, she was an attention craving bitch but now she is way better than Aishwarya. Mallika's acting skills too are far better than Aishwarya's.
    Nevertheless, it was a hilarious post. :D

  3. She should have been at the other Cannes now giving lectures to ad gurus

  4. Interesting point of view. really really loved the ending...

  5. Actually Mallika's first movie was 'Khwaish' and I think she was quite good in the least she does it with passion...and has not fizzled away from the scene like so many other heroines...

    I actually admire her attitude...

  6. Seriously, what was the name of that guy again? Himanshu Malik or something was it? 17 smooches for nothing - feel sorry for him :P

    Rofl @ the Gujju-Mallika angle!

  7. Magiceye...Thanks :)

    Nethra... Ash, for all her plasticy charm has given a few good performances especially in Mani Rathnam movies. Mallika has yet to back up her claims with stellar performances.

    Kalyan..LOL,she markets herself well.

    Lazy Pineapple...Yea I do remember the name even though I didn't watch it.She is spunky all right. But her attention seeking tactics are a big put off.

    Kaushik...Yupp the guy just fizzled out

    The Analyst..Thank you, glad u liked.

  8. really a good one !! :) :) :)

  9. Funny. Liked it.
    She is not that bad actor I guess.

    See this interview

    This changed my attitude towards her.

    Its okay, everybody is not perfect But she is very intelligent and has so much dare.

  10. Prasad...Glad you did :)

    Chandu...Her bizarre attention seeking tactics are a big put off. Why can't she let her body of work do the talking for her?

  11. Hey, write about Sherlyn Chopra. Her ways are beyond what Mallika and Rakhi can ever do. Check her twitter account before you write. You might get enough material for 2-3 posts. She is one funny babe. :P

  12. Hilarious account!! :)
    Pandora ki Beti...too good!! :D

  13. Lovely... I am looking forward for a chance to get hold of Mallika shakes ....err shake.

    And I totally agree with Nathra!

  14. Nethra..Sherlyn comes across as vacuous. Don't think will be able to write about her. And I don't have a Twitter account. Btw Mallika Sherawat/Mamata Banerjee were all suggested by my readers :))

    Shilpa ...I am definitely watching that movie ;)

    Jon....Shakes is any day better than shake. More fulfilling.

  15. Chandu's pointer has helped her grow in my eyes...Plus the fact that she is from Miranda house! Alma Mater too.

  16. Hilarious. A very well written spoof. On second thought there are chances it might not be a spoof. :)

  17. I cannot get over that hideous outfit she wore to Cannes this year...looks like she didn't see her mirror before she left home!

  18. This is hilarious. :D
    And I am certainly never going to have one of those Mallika shakes! A snake might slide out and give me a kiss!
    Brilliant, after the Didigiri!

  19. Nalini..From Miranda House are you? She apparently has a degree in Indian Philosophy.

    Prateek...LOL@ might not be a spoof

    Ana_treek..hopefully for all the right reasons :)

  20. Supernova...Haute couture is beyond our comprehension. It's all about grabbing eyeballs

    D2..Shake with snakes? Interesting.

    Abdusalaam al-Hindi..Got owned???

  21. Purba, everytime you step in the shoe of a celebrity you are just amazing. Loved this "Oh dear it’s time to switch on the mixie. Sigh, even Mallika needs to wash her clothes" Icing on the cake. And hey one small information apart from her skinny adventures on screen, i have heard that she is a wonderful human being by heart. One of my friend met her on an Air India flight last year and it was her experience.

  22. Well thats what subtle sarcasm luks like...personally i feel that was one of your best posts ....Cheers

  23. what would Mallika say after reading ur praising post ... she would be proud of herself !!

    Loved the last lines too ... that's perfect for her :) But poor she - there are many like her "wannabe famous" then why picking her ...

  24. lolz... that was hilarious...

  25. Antony...And she has quite a few fans, so many jumping to her defense :)) She projects a very wannabe image.

    Witty Jester..Really? Thanks!!

    Sharmila...She will hurl the choicest expletives at me and get her Jat relatives to beat me up. Why pick on her? She is just too interesting :)

    Munish.. :D

  26. leave the post
    the way you have writeen is just too terrific


  27. Nice one Purba - Very funny. ROFL at many places. My favorite was "Boo to all you who thought I looked like a character out of a Tim Burton movie with a beehive of a hairstyle" - aren't you giving her too much credit to know Tim Burton;) movies or is she bagging a role in "Alice in Wonderland", though M for Mallika may make it "Malice in "under"land"!

  28. Chetan...mucho thanks

    Sowmya...Malice in "under"land is a brill suggestion :)

  29. Hilarious to the core!! The crowned queen of parody :)).

  30. God sends individuals with a purpose to this earth. The day God created Mallika, he couldnt find any purpose to give to her. So he sent her just as she is now... without any purpose. Thats why, she is on her way to find her purpose... "acting" - she thought it would be, but in vain... so she is still out looking for her purpose... (think being a Nagin would have been good)

  31. Krishna...blush blush

    Abhishek...Hey she is entertaining and inspiring. She inspired me to pen down this spoof :)

  32. Purba!hilarious,love this!

  33. Breaking Filmy news: Malaika wants to get the mango Mallika variety patented in her name.


  34. Varsha..glad you loved it.

    Lakshmi Rajan.. LOL Mallika-e-Aam. Wonder if it will be sweet?

  35. Awesome Ness :-)

  36. Purba,

    "bizarre attention seeking tactics"

    U shud watch the video I shared

    She agreed that she did all that to gain attention. I think in recent days, she hasnt spoken much. She just did a promotion event at Cannes. I guess thats ok.

    But ur post is definitelty hilarious. I m not questioning ur spoof. Just pointing to other side of her :)

  37. Rahul..Oye!!

    Chandu...Mallika should consider herself lucky to have fans like you. Will definitely watch the video :))

  38. Mallika "Sharbat" ... quenches the pyaas of so many.I have not watched any of here movies. But do know that she is a little forgetful when it come to clothes. But I think she is smart. She knows what sells and she is the one laughing her way to the bank. And so is Sawant.The mixie part was a brilliant touch !!

  39. LOL. I loved the way you have described Mallika's role in Myth, too good.

    I think she's too busy acting in “Pandora ki beti” that she could not be spotted in any Bollywood movies, ha ha.

  40. Brilliant!!!!! Very very witty!!

    "I can only act off-screen and pretend to be a superstar."

    Masterstroke!! (: (:

  41. LEB...Mallika Sharbat!!! Very few of us have watched her movies, yet all of us know about her. Clever marketing!!

    Joshi..Pandora Ki Beti will be an epic movie, especially if one of our masala bolly director decides to take it up.

    MMB...Glad it hit the right spots.

  42. LOL...I am a gujju...and I do have snakes everyday :P

  43. Nice post and helpful for all kind of home health care readers.I am also a fan of your post .I would like to read more similar post and wanna say with you " Love Human Life" .


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