Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A Bloody State Of Affairs

Big B finally gets to be Big F. No, it’s not what you are thinking you pervs. The megastar’s long, lingering wish to get a farmer’s status was finally granted by the U.P government. He is now registered as a farmer member. Let’s just pray that an ash smeared Baby B doesn’t go prancing around the fields, giving a heart attack to the scarecrows and the neighbouring farmers.

Cops in UP are looking at alternative professions as well. Two Uttar Pradesh constables and their suspended colleague decided to make some easy pocket money and decamped with an entire ATM machine. Since nobody knows the mind of a criminal better than a policeman, you would expect them to get away, right? Well, they didn’t and were arrested soon after. They have now vowed that they will henceforth be making money like the rest of their colleagues, by taking bribes.

The Amit Shah (Gujarat’s home minister) controversy had kindled a grudging respect for criminals, who are at least honest about who they are and their motives. Sadly, honesty is not a word we associate with most of our wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing netas, who engineer elaborate conspiracies, shamelessly use state machinery to steal and get their adversaries knocked off. And when the law finally catches up with them, they go absconding, throw elaborate tantrums and indulge in a finger pointing spree, blaming everyone from the opposition, to the CBI or even their local dhobi. Shame on them and shame on us for electing such buffoons.

Source:IndiaToday.intoday.in
The Bihar legislative Assembly witnessed a free for all last Tuesday with its lawmakers throwing chairs, tossing tables and aiming slippers at the hapless Speaker. No, they were not practising for the Commonwealth games, but were simply registering their protest over a CAG report suggesting a 11,412 crore financial irregularity in the state’s development projects. When the 67 opposition MLC’s were suspended and marshaled out, it got even better. Congresswoman Dr Jyoti Kumari went on a gamla flinging spree. As she twirled and flung those heavy flower pots with practiced ease, appreciative gasps went up from an awe struck nation watching the show open mouthed on T.V. The loose cannon had to be literally dragged out of the premises. The physically exhausted MLC then proceeded on to faint and had to be hospitalized. When she finally came to her senses, Jyoti jee clarified that she was simply promoting eco friendly missiles. Her nascent fan club headed by me, has already gathered a mammoth following. As president of the club I have been feeling a little drained. You see, the last few days, I have been busy composing fan letters written in blood to her.
Source:IndiaToday.intoday.in



Speaking of blood, Sachin Tendulkar’s autobiography “The Tendulkar Opus” will have a limited edition. Strangely the 10 editions of the book priced at a whopping $75,000 each will have an autograph of Tendulkar that will mix his blood with paper pulp and will also feature the batsman’s DNA profile from his saliva. Aikthoo, what a bloody idea!

But this one takes the cake. A state government run health centre in Rajasthan’s Doongri village is an open affair, literally. The patients are forced to stay and get treated under a tree while the fully built up health care centre serves as residential quarters for the Doctor, paramedics and their families. The hospital’s in-charge Dr B L Meena, defended the decision, citing the rising mercury levels that has forced the hospital staff to treat patients outside.

Calling Dr Jyoti and her flower pots please! Madam jee can you please fling your eco friendly missiles from Bihar itself and knock some sense into these apologies of mankind.


24 comments:

  1. Who the hell does Tendulkar think he is !!!

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  2. brilliant again! and i say again - would have been a laugh riot if not for it being true.. love the way you have woven all the shenanigans into one colorful quilt!

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  3. Jhalmuri Times just keeps getting better. I wonder who buy Tendulkar's book, probably filled with "aila", for $75000, only for his DNA? That's insane.
    But certainly the slipper-throwing and eco-friendly missile launching will be a good place for Commonwealth participants to learn!
    And the cops and politicians, well, are all too familiar to talk about. We see those characters everyday!

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  4. The Big F and Jyothi Jee rockzzz

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  5. And more importantly Athira, which fool will buy his ghost written opus

    Thank you magiceye for your encouragement. Much appreciate it.

    D2...Sadly we almost expect our politicos to be crooked.
    Glad that Jhalmuri has caught on.

    Jon, Jyoti Jee is my hottest idol

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  6. Jhalmura times is awesome.. I went into laughing fits in the office that got my boss' attention. I read out the gamla throwing part to him and he was in fits too! Hahaha
    http://followmyrecipe.blogspot.com/

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  7. Jhalmuri Times, superb reporting ma'm. A true account reporting but made me laugh, too good.
    PS : How can I enroll to the Dr Jyoti Kumari Club, or am I to just fling a few gamalas ?

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  8. awesome! you have a way to weave interesting incidents so perfectly!

    Esp the gamla throwing spree of jyoti kumari left me speechless first and then I was rolling on the floor laughing, the way she fainted, and cried saying "mujhe kyoon mara?" and God it was hilarious! disgustingly hilarious!

    restless

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  9. A great post.Generally I would avoid commenting on Sachin's case.I dont care for such publicity hungry people.
    You have no doubt put all other incidents so well and so reasonable

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  10. Curry Spice..glad I could make you guys laugh.

    Dagadu..The farther your gamla goes, the longer the tenure of your membership.
    If you manage to faint, you will be made a member for life.

    Tanu..disgustingly serious, so right!

    BK Chowla...Thank you Sir, glad you liked it :))

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  11. Jhalmuri Times is my new main source of news !! Purba would you be kind enough to pass on my applaud to the author. In addition to that I would like to officially thank her for my split sides. This has resulted in some serious weight loss. She has an alternate career option. Bravo !!

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  12. Hey it seems sachin has said there is going to be no blood shed..

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  13. Love your beads of satirical thoughts weaved together :) Infact am trying to polish myself on this kind of writing and you inspire me :)

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  14. LEB...applaud accepted and pocketed. As long as you don't injure yourself, it's ok :D

    Jon...Bloodshed over his book?

    Flattered Lakshmi and thank you so much. It's the state of affairs and our utter helplessness that inspires me to write.

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  15. hey awesum way of writing... i was reading all negatives going in the world n was still luving it like hell...frm Big B to bihar to everything else apart frm Sachin..(my real life next to gawd man)....anywaiz luved ur pat posts too...

    Raj
    http://uncensoredrajstory.blogspot.com/

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  16. Last spotted, Mother India was weeping tears of blood

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  17. Thanks Raj for your uncensored comment :)

    Tears of frustration Prateek.

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  18. Amazing..

    love it..very talented

    ps. follow me :)

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  19. Nasra, you don't have to ask, people will follow you on their own :))

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  20. Hi,Purba...a big grin at this post..
    ---
    ash smeared Baby B?ROFL.
    ----
    Cops in UP stealing an entire ATM?LOL...and,then deciding to make money like the rest of their colleagues,LOL again.:)
    ----
    Politics-no comment.:)
    ----
    the Free For all at the BLA....amazing,huh?And,these are elected reps..wonder what sets them off?

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  21. That lady is truly awesome, a true descendant of the race of amazons. I would really like to meet her husband.

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  22. Amit...Greed and an utter lack of conscience.

    doctoratlarge...not her but the husband?

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  23. yes, to know what substance he's made of.

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  24. :D THIS is my newspaper, albiet a bit spicier one!

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