Saturday, July 10, 2010

Musings of an Octopus Vulgaris

It is possible, all these years you have seen me only on National Geographic, observed my meeting and mating antics over a bowl of freshly popped corn or pushed a dead meat me around with a fork in your seafood salad. A few decades back, James tried to Bond with me over a reel of Octopussy. I was quite unfairly made the villain of the piece. Now, in the first decade of the 21st century, I am back with a crash and bang sending the world into paroxysms with my soothsaying capabilities. Hi, I am Paul the world’s most famous Octopus Vulgaris. I don’t suffer from two left feet, I have eight. I am big headed but not pig headed. I have never kicked a football in my life, yet my psychic powers have squished the air out of many a ball.

They say, I am more famous than all the footballers put together. The global talking point, I am the most written about, the most hated and the most loved celebrity in the world. The other day a sensational Indian channel “Aaj Tak” featured me as “Baba Paul, Samundar ka chamatkar Jyotishi”. They say Baba Ramdev, an Indian Icon has now gone into deep melancholy and was last seen sipping “Lauki juice” at a local bar.

The Spaniards call me “El Pulpo Paul” and are begging me to emigrate. Of late, I have been getting a lot of fan mail from Octopuses in Spain. Thanks to me, they are now leading longer, fuller lives. The Germans are octo-pissed. They all want a slice of me fried, steamed or otherwise. The Spanish PM is deeply concerned about my safety and wants to send in a team to protect me. I have asked him to just chill with a glass of Sangria.

Bookies are learning to speak “Octopussese”. They have stopped laying a bet on football teams and are betting on what Paul will predict instead. Steve Job wants to rename I Pad to Octo-pad. PETA wants to liberate me from my cramped tank in Sea Life Centre. . They are now pestering Larissa Riquelme to spearhead their “dump your cellphone for a cephalopod” campaign. She will be posing in the buff of course with a floppy me on her head.

I know, at four I'm too young to think of career options. But I can’t be making football predictions all my life from that dreary tank. And I am so bored of picking on mussels. This is not me. I want a change of direction; I want to lead a more meaningful life. Nope a boring 9 – 5 will not do for me, I have grown too used to the limelight. I do have a lot of business proposals though. Lucrative contracts from German TV stations. Greece wants me to forecast the outcome of their financial crisis. They want me in Iraq to predict election results. Market analysts have been eyeing me with new found respect and are hedging their reports with a “unless Paul says differently”. Sigh, I will soon be needing a tax consultant, a PR team, a legal eagle to help me build my empire. I already know what I will call it – The Buoyant Clairvoyant Corporation”, BCC not be confused with the rogue BCCI.

But is this what I really want? The lifestyle of the rich and the famous, cruising in my yacht at Cannes, partying with Paris Hilton, constantly hounded by the paparazzi! Last night I finally made a decision. Yes, I finally know what I want and am at peace. I have decided I will be following my heart and not let my big head do the thinking. I am emigrating, not to Spain but to Paraguay. Ever since she dumped her cellphone, Larissa Riquelme has been looking for a replacement. I want to spend the rest of my life nestled close to her heart, predicting the rise and fall of her assets.


  1. And the Oracle has spoken,nice, musings from an octopus' POV.

  2. Yeah now it is a celebrity. Well, poor paul. After nostradamus, we all needed someone who can forecast.

  3. Ha ha :)

    I really won't be surprised if someone asks Paul to predict the financial situation of Europe next !

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. Did Paul predict something like this would be up on your blog? :P...
    But if you can get me on the line with him,I'd like to ask few questions:
    Can I become the PM of India?(Tell him that I'll make him my PA)
    When will Rahul Gandhi marry?
    Will there be another Bharat Bandh?
    What's going to happen to Andhra Pradesh?Will Telangana form?
    What about 2012?
    Will Team India win the next Cricket WC?(This one is a cinch,isn't it Paul?)
    Will I meet Karan Thapar?

  6. ROFL..very nicely written,Purba...I've been reading @ how Indian babas are planning to replace their popats with octopuses(octopusii?)et,ur take on the situation gave a further hilarious slant to the topic.:)
    BTW, speaking of bookies, did u know there're a group of people in Gandhinagar who're out by 4 AM in the morning? They pick up the copy of the Times Of India, to check if they won their bets..the bet? How many squares will the shirt of the Common Man of R.K. Lakshman's'You Said It' will have...:)They must be delighted to now have an octopus to bet on/guide them for other bets.:)

  7. that was a brilliant take! superb wordplay!
    excellent as usual!

  8. Paul... your octagraph has touched me octanormously.May you slide perfectly in the octacurves of your dreams - "two" be precise !!

  9. As scintillating a post as Paul himself!

  10. Analyst..Even Paul is allowed to have a POV.

    Nithin RS..Even better and far simpler than Nostradamus.

    Aathira...Well Greece has expressed an interest :)

    Anirudh...Just get your bucket of mussels and you will get all your answers.

  11. Amit..Really??? Someone actually counts the squares! Must have been long time back, I do miss his "You said it".

    magiceye..Thank you for your kind words :)

    Abdusalaam al-Hindi..Glad you liked it.

    LEB.. Wondering whether the Germans will rename their Oktober Fest to something else :)

  12. Saw this post on Indi Vine and I thought it was great, very funny. :)

  13. Excellent Post!!

    Great to hear the musings of the Oracle!!

  14. haha! hilarious...loved the pun at the end...beauteeful :P "I want to spend the rest of my life nestled close to her heart, predicting the rise and fall of her assets." brilliant...

  15. Purba - Good one - was hilarious -

    If Spain does win, they may offer him saint hood and make him St. Paul!

    In any case, looks like Paul's gonna be juggling many careers with his many arms, amongst many other things;)!

  16. Arre,this article was hilarious-people bet on anything in gujarat-even on the sum total of the license plate of the next car that will pass by.:) I wish I had so much free time.:)

  17. Hilarious! I wrote a very similar article a couple of days back :)

  18. Thanks Sakhi and Vyakatesh :))


    Sowmya... Oh my buoyant clairvoyant deserves a Golden Boot and Sainthood.

    Amit.. Free time and you get to earn money. Not bad at all.

    G2...A Paul overdrive. He inspired a lot of us :)

  19. there is no need of 2014 world cup..
    just ask to paul...paul will predict the winner,runners up and even the best player...hehe..

    save money.... lol

    there is no difference between paul and humans... vulture in nature when seeing food!!!

  20. So many oracles...and now Paul the octopus...Loved reading this...

  21. Now we should get Paul to predict our Indian team cricket results because we are finding it difficult to predict a winner from India vs Ireland, India vs Canada, against bigger teams we always lose, so we dont need him to predict.

  22. I am not a spots fan at all, but Paul the great has grabbed my attention too. good post dear.

  23. jaacostan...But Paul is my favourite Oracle. Detached and cares a damn about the media.


    Joshi...Why make them play. They can just endorse products and party all night.

    Tanu..Am not a football fan either but Paul grabbed us by the eyeballs.

  24. Ahhh funniee post...
    And they call Indians crazy when we said Ganesh Idol in Pune could drink milk :P

  25. Paul was right one last time, for the world cup..he may not be around for the next one.
    All that Paul has proved is that you dont need brains and analyses to predict limited incomes. Probability theory will tell you that of the millions who bet money on the world cup at least a few 1000 were right every time..Paul was tested only 7 times I think.
    The only difference was that Paul got promoted in the media, who have a reputation for making and ruining reputations.
    What happens to Paul now.I doubt if we can use him to pick stocks, currencies or partners.Maybe he should now retire while still ahead, cos one error and he is dead meat.

  26. Lol! well said purba!

    Hey, but u r quite a techie person, ur blog is at many places. am learning it from u!

  27. LP..Indians are showing the way in more ways than one :P

    madhu...The rise and fall of an Octopus Vulgaris! will happily adopt him.

    Tanu..If you mean Desicritics and Drishtikoke, I started my writing journey on these forums. My blog followed much later.

    25bar...Hopefully for all the right reasons.

  28. Hilarious!! Brilliant!! Simply loved it!! :)

  29. Bravo!...That's some write!...loved it...How about a book?...I would like to book an advance copy!

  30. Shilpa...mucho thanks

    Nalini...Aww you just made my day Nalini.

  31. Very well written humour.

  32. very well written!! visiting ur blog for the first time n simply loved it.. keep rocking..
    do read Rakhi Sawant's interview on her views about the anti-rape female condoms:

  33. The octopus couldn't have given a better interview. It was really hilarious. :D

  34. hilarious to say the least... footpaul hadnt been so much fun before :)

  35. Totally averse to football, television and newspaper, I was living in bliss, ignorant.

    You made me google search for Larissa Riquelme.

    Thanks a quintal!

  36. Thank you Prateek, Nethra and Shwetal

    cHiRaiNdA BlOgGeR : Thanks for visiting my blog and I did read your post.

    MMB..When I googled her for images, my eyes just popped out. Tele I can understand, why not newspapers?

  37. Do read my new post on FIFA WC and Octopus Paul:

  38. Holy Octo! Let's make him Saint Paul, the Octopus. Made a wonderful read! Paul bless you ;)

  39. ROFL @ Make Saint Paul, the Octopus.
    I feel blessed already :))

  40. A really marvellous post. Loved reading it, for its brilliant sense of satire, subtle humour and some beautifully incorporated literary devices and play-with-words. This was the first post I read completely on this blog, ever since I bumped here yesterday, and looking forward to reading some more now!

  41. lol...nice talks !!
    as usual stars,paul too entered in to the politics..
    his interest is in Russian politics !!
    heard that paul predicted the next president of Russia !!
    but the aquarium officials will publish the result only after the election !!

    lets wait for his fate !! paul or putin ??? :-P

  42. I guys,

    Check the Octopus page at
    a comprehensive catalogue of marine species to sea lovers.

  43. too good, Purba! And I feel, you just spoke out the late Paul's mind..... :)


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