Friday, August 20, 2010

My Mum’s a Vampire

Presenting Trisha, she of the Twilight-crazed generation. Mostly horizontal, laziness is a way of life for her. She lives in her world of books and occasionally, like a phoenix, she rises to take pot shots at her mum.

It started one fine morning. A pod of garlic changed my life.

12:00 P.M
“Come here and chop the garlic for me!” my mom roared from the kitchen. Grumbling, I shouted back, “Why don’t YOU chop it?” No response, she’d been doing that a lot lately. I shuffled to the kitchen and began peeling the goddamn garlic. I threw the first pod at her... When I replayed this scene in my head in the dark times to follow, I kept wondering what I could have done differently. The pod landed with a soft plop on her hand, and then all hell broke loose. An unearthly howling ripped through the air. My smart-ass-teenager comment stuck in my throat, I backed into the wall.
“I’m melting!” mum screeched (Wicked Witch of the West style). I had no clue what to do to help and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to either. Then she turned into a wisp and vanished. “Oops” I thought. What was I supposed to tell dad? And wait, what was I supposed to have for lunch now?

12.30 P.M
Right, it’s been ages. When is mythical mum going to return? I seriously hope she doesn’t cancel my allowance, or the promise of a laptop. How was I supposed to know she was so allergic to garlic? Doesn’t she have it with dad and in our food all the time? Oh....she always has salad doesn’t she? I always thought it was inhuman to subject oneself to eating rabbit-food day-in and day-out. Come to think of it, she’s never been into garlic bread, garlic pickle, garlic breath...


2.00 P.M
I have got to reign in my overactive imagination. Just ‘cause she went all will o’wisp on me, doesn’t mean she’s some sort of mythical creature. Plenty of people have spontaneously combusted before (at least according to this gross documentary I saw). I think I’ll Google it.

2.30 P.M
Yup. People have turned into wisps. Just one problem, they weren’t people. I am so dead (undead?) I wish dad would come home already.


3.00 P.M
*Sigh* No mum, no dad, no lunch. Oh and the fact that according to VampireWeekly.com, my mum’s a vampire. Great, super! How am I supposed to tell dad this? He won’t believe me anyway. Stupid World Wide Web, preying on my insecurities. According to Dr. Raven Madd’s ‘well-researched’ article- Vampires: A Threat to Democracy and World Peace, the distinguishing characteristics of a vampire are-
1. Fangs- Way obvious, right? I never noticed till today.
2. Garlic aversion- I rest my case.
3. Sunlight allergy- Mum does slather herself in sunscreen all the time. And she wears her shades even when she goes to fetch veggies.
4. Strength- Check. Muscle mum and her gym obsession.
The list goes on with mum fulfilling every criterion.
God, I’m hungry.


4.00 P.M
Okay, I’m officially freaked. The phone’s not working and the door’s jammed. My mythical muscle-mum must have left her phone somewhere in her hurry to vapourise...


4.15 P.M
Found it! Should I call my grandma? I mean, I doubt I’ll get a favourable response if I accuse her child of being a devil’s spawn/ undead being.



5.00 P.M
Nooooo. Either I’m delusional or the world’s gone mad. That call was not a good idea.
Me: hello Nani, it’s me.
Nani: HELLO?? Oh, how are you dear?
Me: *whispering* Um, is mom a vampire?
Nani; *silence*
Meanwhile I check the phone display. Yes, it’s still connected.
Nani: How much do you know, child? Is your mother there?
Me: No, I have no IDEA where she is. Why are you getting so worked up?
Nani: If she gets back, whatever you do, DON’T COMMENT ON HER AGE.
-------Beep-------
What is that supposed to mean?
Mum has looked pretty much the same over the last 20 or so years. Everyone says we look like sisters (which gets on my nerves).

7.45 P.M
Guess who finally showed up? She strolled in like nothing happened. “Where were you?? What was with that Houdini act?” I demanded. “Houdini act? Whatever in the world are you talking about?” Mum dodged. I gave her my best I’ve-got-my-eyes-on-you look.
“Where’s dad?” No response. She’d been doing that a lot lately.
Then I did exactly what grandma told me not to. But seriously, everyone knows that you should never forbid something. God told Eve not to eat The Apple, Zeus told Pandora not to open the box, and that worked out well, didn’t it?
“Hey mum, what do you wanna do for your 42nd Birthday?”
Suddenly, she was way close. I could see each one of her teeth glinting at me. And I swear I saw her eyes flash red.
“Never, never say that. I am a PYT and will be a PYT FOREVER!” her maniacal laughter echoed through the empty house......
And me, I’d had enough of this freakiness.


37 comments:

  1. Here is a take away for you - Purba's not so informed guest blogger !! Women after they are a certain age ... never age !! . Now about the post. It smells fresh like that clove of heart healthy. Well done.But will not say like mother like daughter. Or Sister. You are each very good in your own ways. Let us not get confused there !! Well done.

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  2. Hahahaha......that was a pretty hilarious post. And an excellent use of the language.

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  3. She better watch it..she is going exactly her moms way and may end up as a vampire..
    she looks like her mom, writes like her mom..i rest my case..and like all vampires will improve with age..
    watch it purba, you have seriously emerging competition..

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  4. Purba,

    Everyone say mom look like my older sister. Sigh! I wish either I looked little younger or she looked little older.
    By the way, how old is your daughter? She got pretty good imagination. Quite entertaining while moms ask us to help them with boring household chores. Anyway, would love to read more of such posts from her.

    Cheers,
    Nethra

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  5. Who wants to age?It is a very humorous post and made interesting reading.

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  6. lol! that was hilarious and you sure have a gracious mama to let you bash on her blog!!

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  7. Nethra, you and Trisha sound like kindred spirits.

    She is 16 and we are more of friends.

    I wish she would write more often, had to nag endlessly to get her to write this one :)

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  8. @ Menon..Come to think of it she does have vampire like tendencies. Sleepy all day and awake at night.

    And I want her to be far better than I am.

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  9. I don't BELIEVE this. The resemblance between both of you is uncanny...the same sarcasm, same subtle but just-cannot-miss-it humor, the snappy lines...

    @Purba Ma'am- I think she's going to be even better than you at this, honest. Just keep pushing her to keep at it, it seems like a natural effortless flow for her. An awesome read!

    @Trisha- Way to go Kid! I'm glad to see your Mom has someone who can beat her at her own game, from home! Temme when you start your own blog. You have your first follower...

    Kudos! Keep up the good work, and teh unique maa-beti partnership ;)

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  10. Thoroughly enjoyed..this post was wonderful. Her writing also has a distinct character...strong, sharp and unique...very much like the garlic pod....and I love garlic. Looking forward to see more of her works..

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  11. @Nethra, magiceye, prateek, jon and BK Chowla- Thanks a lot!
    @LEB- Ironically, it was the garlic incident that inspired the story..

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  12. @menon and mum- Thank you, I would sleep all day if I could, if only mum would let me.
    @Avi- Sarcasm doesn't come easily to me, though it's second nature to mum. Glad you liked it.
    @Rajashree- :)

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  13. positively brilliant!
    BTW, is it a true story? Just asking, just asking.

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  14. Haha Awesome post !

    To be very frank, only after reading a couple of comments, could I realize that Trisha was actually your daughter and she was talking about you in this post. :|

    remember that Soap ad? where suddenly a kid comes calling her mom and people look at that young lady with shock. Trust me, i went through a similar one.

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  15. @doctoratlarge- It's part fact, part fiction. Mum does have vampire traits- I've just not seen her vapourise yet.
    @Aditya- Sure, mum gets that a LOT

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  16. Really, wants me want to sit back and think. All of us will be Vampires as we grow older. I would always want to be a PYT, if I could help it.

    Cheers to PYTs!

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  17. So what are you? Human, vampire or Blade?
    I don't care if your mum's a century old. She can simply lie about it!

    This was hilarious! :D
    Good to read a post of yours, Trisha.

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  18. mazingout And your latest post reads "bit by bit'...how apt

    Aditya...A lot of my friends read my blog, so they knew :))

    And God!! you guys should form a mom-peeve society ;)

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  19. Purba, when u told me about Trisha's post, i had no idea, she writes so well! amazing! and hilarious too! and yes, i do agree with what LEB and magiceye said!!

    A very healthy (garlic healthy!) take on mother daughter relationship!

    Keep it up Trisha!

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  20. funny really................

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  21. What a pair...a garlic wielding daughter and emotionally strung up mother....wonderful write...this scene pans out in every kitchen of a mother but you have taken it to a different height...well done Trisha...and well done Momsy for letting her say her bit.

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  22. I didn't know it was your daughter who had written this post!! Only after reading the comments did I come to know about it.
    Completely agree with Aditya on the ad shock and this post!
    I joined your blog because of this post!!
    And yeah I am Twilight-obsessed.. He he :)
    Wonderfully hilarious. I love it.
    And Trisha, please post once a month. If your mom doesn't leave you to write, well always have an extra garlic in hand :D

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  23. @ Girish...Had guessed as much after going through your profile.

    Will make Trisha read this, have been pestering her for months and it took a pod of garlic to inspire her.

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  24. @Restless, Abhinav and Ana_treek - Thanks!! :)
    @Nalini- It was in fact mum who encouraged me to write it in the first place..
    @Girish- Yeah, Twilight rules! Nice meeting another Twi-hard fan!

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  25. Ha, all smiles. Home Alone V.

    This for Trisha and her concept of rabit food: http://catcows.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/dog-on-plate.jpg?w=503&h=644

    Back to studying 'Indian Philosophy and Leadership Excellence'. What a refreshing relief this post!

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  26. @MangoManBunty- Thanks!
    http://catcows.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/dog-on-plate.jpg?w=503&h=644 (No way!!!)

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  27. Hi,

    Landed on your blog and this post was funny. Well written.

    Jay

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  28. what a talented take on writing. It is one of a kind.
    cheers and best wishes in future endeavors.

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  29. I love the story...your Daughter Trisha has one helluva imagination... :D
    the post caption got me reading, guess might get hooked now :P

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  30. Jayraj...:))

    Pramod...Will surely convey your best wishes to Trisha.

    Sreyoshi...The girl has a great imagination but needs to be prodded hard :))

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  31. That was a wonderful take on the lady who pulls every other person's leg! Seriously Purba, she will go places and not in the too distant future. You should get her to write more often :)

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  32. Wow!! Lovely post... :)
    I too have vampire traits.. I have fangs, my skin is really cold, I find others' skin real hot, I rarely fall asleep, not in the day, very less at night.. :P Okie I don wanna scare anyone but they are true.. :) My husband keeps calling me a vampire :P So I could relate a lot to this..

    @ Trisha : Please start your blog soon.. You have a follower already.. Very good work.. :)

    @ Purba : Your daughter is giving you good competition.. Please make her start her own blog.. :)

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  33. Really good!! I was grinning all along !!

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