Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Let the games begin!

My overoptimistic guest blogger Cacofonix, is unfazed about the stink surrounding the Commonwealth games. He presents the perspectives and solutions as a true Indian.

It is just a conspiracy by western nations against India, as the secretary of the commonwealth games committee has confirmed. By white people who dare to say that their standards of hygiene are superior to ours and that the games village is filthy. For heaven’s sake, they are the ones who do not wash their bottoms, and instead use dry toilet paper for removing fecal matter after their ablutions. Fecal matter is a biological byproduct that unifies India by being visible all around, emerging from the behinds of all life forms, two-legged, four-legged or otherwise, squatting, hanging or otherwise. Our ancient texts teach us to treat all living forms with respect because our souls progress through several births, up the food chain. If, at the games village, a member of the canine family has chosen to deposit the said matter on a spotless bedspread from an Italian designer (purchased thoughtfully by Kalmadi-ji at Rs 4,500,000 apiece during one of his many visits to Europe to study the drainage systems there), we must not take the typically dim western view in describing it as ‘stray dog s*it’, but rather consider it as a natural action by a living being blessed with good taste, strongly indicating that its soul is close to being human. Not to forget the fact that the venue is a ‘village’, and in villages, things are done in the open.

By the way, it is these white westerners who really spoil their own dogs by feeding them holy cow meat, and ox blood, and dressing them up in tartan square kilts and bowties, and taking them to beauty salons and what not. So, you will agree that they are being hugely racist in describing canines in our country in a demeaning way, just because the dogs are dark-skinned and poor and do not have access to affordable healthcare. We are a democracy and our canine souls can do as they please. It is not a case of our country going to the dogs.

A foot bridge has collapsed in front of a stadium. There is such a fuss about it, even after the Chief Minister has confirmed in her press conference that this foot bridge was not meant for athletes. Especially white athletes. Three laborers may have died. But they were Indians and they were poor. So, it does not matter. An enquiry commission will look into the accident and confirm that it did not matter. The souls of the laborers have already moved into the highest human form for their next births and will get elected to Parliament. Or get employed by the police.

Image courtesy : Times of India
What the West does not possess is the ability and strength of character to make the most out of adversity. It is raining like nobody’s business in Delhi, around Delhi, in the plains, but mainly in the hills. Unlike what Eliza Doolittle would have liked it in Spain. The water table is on top of the roads rather than being below. Whatever road is left has a blue lane and a yellow lane and an orange lane marked for athletes (and they crib we don’t care for them). Mosquitoes are spreading dengue. We just need to scrap some of the usual western events and replace them with truly Indian ones that will capitalize on all the unexpected infrastructure, my top 5 being:

1. Mud Marathon: skip the painted tracks and enjoy jogging in the earthen lanes opened up by the rains. Runner accumulating the most mud on his body wins. Runner swatting the most mosquitoes on that mud gets an extra medal and a free vial of platelets.

2. 5000m hurdles: while the games lanes on the roads are being guarded for use by athletes’ vehicles, runners in the hurdles event jump over obstacles in the regular traffic lanes to reach their venues. Optional add-on hurdles for extra points – collapsed foot-bridges, collapsed stadium roofs, collapsed posters, collapsed curvy-at-wrong-places Kalmadi.

3. Monsoon Rowing: experience the majesty of the Yamuna as it gushes over (yes, over) the bridges in Delhi cleansing everything in its wake, including all fecal matter. First rowing team to make 100 metres, wins, rowing upstream. Lifeguards are being flown in by Lalit Modi from Bondi Beach.

4. Shadow Boxing: We cannot guarantee electricity at the boxing venues. Traditional Indian diyas will be held by devadasis by the boxing rinks. And boxers will have to punch the living daylights out of their opponent’s shadows.

5. Water Hockey: Westerners go nuts about Ice Hockey. Let us unleash Water. In fact, it’s already there on the hockey fields. Let them see that we Indians not only walk on water, but can also play ball on it.

Be a sport and let the games begin! When it comes to the games village, if you think it inhospitable, we will send you to a hospital. As they say about this hotel somewhere, “You can check out any time you want, but you can never leave”.


  1. ahem..a bit of pessimism and a bit of optimism there in the post..the last lines say it all'be a sport and let the games begin' hoga,achcha hoga...u agree?

  2. oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!!!!
    Just half an hour ago after reading news, I was wondering if you will be writing something about CWG, here you are... :)
    Too Good!!!!! I could not stop laughing!! Purba, you are simply amazing!
    Cheers.. :o))

  3. the sky is falling on our head by Kalmadis

  4. :-) Best CWG post I have come across...

  5. LOl!! Three cheers to Cacofonix the savior!

  6. You're ever so funny and clever too! Enjoyed this.

  7. CWG now its battle against time ...India is speechless...& the politicians say "ALL IS WELL".

  8. Hey Corrine and Bhawna...I haven't written this, this is a guest post by Cacofonix.....

  9. Quite a hilarious post Cacofonix. I really loved the example from "My Fair Lady"
    And I think we have a chance to win many gold medals if those events are introduced.

  10. i feel relieved that finally with these minor recommended modifications the games can indeed go on.can we add a few more events so that people like kalamadiji and bigshitji can also compete.
    if they dont give a shit about shit on beds, who are we to redefine standards of hygene?
    p.s. cacophonix, you should call yourself hygenix

  11. I am sure these are gonna be the best games ever... :-p

  12. oops Purba, sorry :)

    ooh Cocfonix! thanks for writing such wonderful articles and ligthten our moods up, no matter how bad a bard you are who tortures gauls with your singing OR have you givenup being bard for good? :-p

  13. Hey Cacofonix!

    Very very Sarcy I must say. Really, lets not make a big deal of this. We should just do things the "India way, or the air-way".

    We invented wrestling! Kushti belongs to us. The OC should make a ring somewhere where its convenient, fill it up with mud, and conduct a "traditional and culturally rich Kushti".

    Nice post! ;)

  14. lovely post but wish it had appeared a couple of days earlier...
    sick and tired of the constant lampooning of CWG..

  15. i love my fellow indians, can always find humor even in the most despaired times! :D

    an interesting take on the issue by the shark blogger -

    and a not so optimistic take by myself -

  16. I liked the sarcasm. So many things going go on in our country, at the moment. Few life threatening ad few shameful, still life goes on.

  17. @suman: see shahid's rejoinder
    @magic eye: sorry for the fatigue!
    @wildflower: will check out the views
    @corinne, giribala: humour is a nice distraction

  18. @bhavna: the humdrum that surrounds us has to be punctuated with a few jabs at time. As the Knife has said, we have nothing to fear but the sky falling on our craniums!
    @aline: flattered
    @amitL: ultimately it is fate, ultimately we will die, laughing?
    @mazingout: kushti followed by a dip in the Yamuna, now clean

  19. @prateek: In hartford, hereford and hampshire, hurricanes hardly happen?
    @nethra: Yes, life does go on. Else the frustration bogs you down.
    @menon: the swelling waters have washed away the rotten fish. Unhygienix will sorely miss that.

  20. Pun-tastic! You've created a real pun-demonium here, Cacofonix!

  21. Caco

    Great piece! However, I would like to add another point here - that of the "black hands of the imperialists". Don't you think these hands have a role to play!?



  22. The post is really hilarious, but its such a shame that so many thousands of crores have gone down the drain!!

    Hey Cacofonix, r u an Asterix & Obelix fan? I love the comics! :D

  23. Cacofonix - couldnt have had a more aptly named person describe the cacophony surrounding the CWG - Loved the sarcastic humor which also left a pang of sadness for one the most egregious blackmarks in recent times..


  24. This comment has been removed by the author.

  25. yeah ... we should have events we are good at ... why is it that we always buy the toilet paper and they don't buy our ideas EVER!!!

    As jaipal reddy said, "cleanliness is matter of perception". We indians embraced the concept of relativity and before einstein and used the word in an entirely different context ...

  26. @kartikey: hope I was not too punctilious
    @jodey: the hands that pull strings?
    @girish: yes, love G&U's immortal works
    @sowmya: well, we have helped improve the living standards of some Indians, even if not the ones we would have wanted!

  27. @kcalpesh: 'interesting' can leave one somewhat flummoxed, like you say when your significant other has cooked something new and you don't know what to make of it!
    @flawsophy: corruption too is a matter of perception, as one may argue. or, one man's freedom fighter being another man's terrorist

  28. Far too sarcy or devoid of optimism that is becoming of an Indian...I am assuming that you are an Indian...Do not forget the Atlanta games shootout, the assasination attempt at the games Village in Munich, The flood situation in Beijing owing to an ill conceived idea to inject nitrogen into the clouds to prevent rains during the opening ceremony (Beijing Olympics)...these were far more serious. We need to get out of this self deprcat'ng midset and have the self respect to tell the world that this is what we have and we have the ability to make it better rather than resorting to such posts which smack of self-insult under the failing garb of satire/humor.
    India has had the worst rains in over 40 years, floods in certain part of the city and the country is doing its best...Sure kalmadi and his cronies need to be whipped or worse but the games are here for us to host so lets cut the sarcasm and cynicism and urge one and all to support the Games in the larger interest of the country and the `Third world'...

  29. @anon: In case you missed it, it is our corrupt and inept establishment that the sarcasm is aimed at. And their repeated vacuous assertion that 'everything will be all right', like the ostrich with its head buried in the sand. 'Incredible India' indeed. Our sportspersons deserve all the support we can rally, and they represent the only community that can redeem our sense of pride.

  30. Bloody racist whites!! :D

    Samajhte hi nahi!!


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