Friday, September 10, 2010

The Secret Diary Of Sharad Pawar

In the 80’s when I was barely in my 50’s, the iconic Madonna jee sang “Material Girl”. What a song it was, and how hot she was.....wah. The other day I heard someone call me India’s material boy. Oh boy! I had tears of joys in my eyes and my heart swelled with pride. Of course, I am the original material boy even if it is Madonna jee who has been singing it all this while. Wherever there’s money you’ll find me. I may never have held a cricket bat, yet I am the crooked face of cricket. First Mumbai Cricket Board, then BCCI and finally ICC – cash-rich boards here I come.

People love sniggering behind my back. Sharad Pawar is the face of corruption, they say. He has enough personal wealth to run Delhi for five years. What bakwaas, I say. Go ask the Election commission and they will tell you how poor I am, so poor that I can barely buy a flat in amchi Mumbai. I am a crorepati, but there’s nothing official about it.

And do you know how hard this Marathi manoos works? I hold not one but two portfolios – for agriculture and food supply. Under my dynamic leadership we managed a bumper harvest of wheat but forgot to distribute it. Who was to know that the Meteorological Department will be so dreadfully right and actually make a correct prediction about the temperamental monsoons? Alas all of it is rotting in godowns now- grain, grain everywhere but not a morsel to eat. If despite a bumper harvest, the poor are still dying of starvation, is it my fault? The poor have been starving in past and will continue to starve in future. This is how we keep population growth in control. If the grains are rotting, let them rot, I can’t eat all of it can I? And now Supreme Court is ordering me to distribute it for free. Arre baba, somebody please tell the honourable judge, nothing in this world comes for free, not even sympathy!! Taree, from now on I have ordered all my servants to have nothing but rotten grains. Charity, as they say begins from home.

I have to call Manmohan jee again and tell him to reduce my ministerial load. So much workload, that I am losing weight. Missus is so unhappy that she has started adding more sugar to my tea. Aaho, how can you continue to be political heavy weight, if you lose weight? Thank god media doesn’t know how much goad I have. Agreed it was me advising the nation to stay off sugar to avoid diabetes. I asked Manmohan jee, has any other minister in the history of Indian politics given such a perfect recipe to rising sugar prices? The public is becoming far too demanding and loves to crib. If you think the prices are so high, arre then don’t have it. No beating around the bush, buss simple straightforward solution. Only Gulam Nabi Azad got very upset with me. What Pawar jee, since when did you start giving health advisories to the nation, let the health ministry do its own job. Arre, no problems Azad jee, next time you can tell the nation not to worry about rising prices. Too much worry causes heart trouble no?

In the meantime I will ask my P.A to arrange a wine tasting session with the farmers of Vidharba. The poor sods should know it’s not just them dying of poverty. The wineries in Maharashtra are in low spirits as well. Then we’ll all watch Peepli Live together. Later we can have a cricket match. Think I’ll call Lalli over; poor boy has been sulking for too long. Once out of IPL he doesn’t have much to do naa. This should be a good diversion for him. After the match we can a pop a few bottles together and make blank calls to Jagmohan Dalmia...hehehe.

Chala ata, I have wasted enough time. I have to practice my moves on Material girl....

Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me
I think they're O.K.
If they don't give me proper credit
I just walk away

Living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl

I better get myself a new jazzy shirt-pant. Missus saying I should first practice my moves on Pappu can’t dance salaa... Good idea and Missus is always right.

A BIG thanks to Deepak Amembal for the Marathi inputs and also the inspiration behind this post. No, he hasn’t offered rotting grains to me and hasn’t invited me for a wine tasting session either. At least, not yet.


  1. Material guy indeed though I shudder at even the thought of him in Jazzy clothes dancing to some disco tune.

    Satire was fun

  2. Great post once again.
    Lalli... blank calls to Dalmiya...His poverty.. haha. brilliant :-)

  3. biting acid drips....
    the truth hurts...

  4. Snow Leopard...Why? he will look so cute that someone might want to adopt him.

    Lakshmi...He He

    Tanay... Am sure Jagmohan Dalmiya has made vodoo dolls of him.

    magiceye...hurts yet wonderful? hmmm

  5. If Sharad Pawar was poor, I'd promise a Maradona stunt! Thinking about him doing Pappu can't dance saala would be nauseating. :D
    I wonder, does he blank call Jagmohan Dalmia? He might, you know.

    Nice one, Purba. Seems like you were in Sharad Pawar jee's head.

  6. TV exposes people. To think that he used to be a PM candidate. don't know how they undertand what he says in the ICC

  7. Nice one but tone it down..What if he reads it some day(I doubt if he can), he will wreck havoc on other portfolios too

  8. You seem to have a distinct talent for satire :)

    When it comes to highlighting absurdities, I think nothing can do a better job!

  9. Ha ha...heavyweight material boy!!

  10. D2..In his head? I'd die from all the toxic fumes. But then I'd know all his secret accounts and die a rich woman.

    Kalyan...They sleep through it? Or it's possible he believes in "your actions speak louder than words".

  11. Dhiraj...Naah...he is too busy ruining other people's lives.


    Giribala...Yupp! catch him and drop him like a hot potato.

  12. Pawar was once known to be an excellent manager.God knows, how and why did he go wrong.
    One has to give him credit for taking the level of corruption to greater heights.
    We also must appreciate a fact the if country has a weak leadership--that too appointed--Pawars of this world will do exactly what they are doing.

  13. Haha writing what you are the best at. Sarcasm! Pawar should read his diary ;)

  14. Wonderful satire! Loved every word, but feel inordinately sad too since this is the caliber of leaders we boast of. Can we descend any lower than this?

  15. Was good fun reading. I bet it was good fun writing ?:P

  16. Wonder how guys like him get elected to power when it is in the open how corrupt he is.

  17. Very beautifully written. I enjoyed every word of this.

  18. Kish...LOL...Hope you guys are laughing for all the right reasons.

    Kevin...Because he has enough strings he can pull.

    Rajesh...Glad you did:)

  19. B K Chowla...At least he is no hypocrite. He even looks corrupt.

    Aditya...naaaa...he's too busy with his Chanakya-neeti.

    Zephyr...A national player who can even bring down a government. Sad, sad state of affairs.

  20. Sharad Pawar doing the a la Madonna dance is going to give me nightmares!...hilarious post...crooked face of cricket that never spills the beans!

  21. hehe.. I think every politicians secret diary will be similar :D

  22. There is a saying in Hindi- 'Is Hamam main sabhi Nange' meaning in the bathroom everybody is naked!Sharad can not be exception.

  23. Just thinking about that dance of Pawar's gives me jitters!!
    Pawar should read this diary and think about all of his wrongdoings!!
    Hilarious post :D

  24. Nalini...He is smart, that's why he's managed to survive for this long.


    S R Ayyangar...Does Politics make them corrupt or do the corrupt make good politicians?

    Girish...If he does, his act will be on You Tube getting a million hits :))

  25. PLEASE go to Sharad's office and make him read this in front of you with a camcorder...i'd LOVE to see his 'scandalized' reaction!

    Another awesome one from you- you're at your wittiest, nastiest, funniest best ;)

  26. That was awesome.. I have stumbled upon your blog by chance through Indiblogger. Your post title caught my attention and I ended up reading the whole post..

    You write well and this was just a well deserving slap to Mr. Sharad jee!!!

    Good one!!

  27. Avi...I can imagine him smiling his crooked smile and I will not be alive anymore.

    Anubhuti...Hey thanks and glad you liked the post.

  28. we an official definition of poor.....poor ppl are the ppl havin less than a crore in one account.....

    think being a poor person......SP shld take all the grain rotting in the FCI godowns...... and can't believe manmohan singh supported the decision of not distributing the grain among the poor.......saying they can get habitual...

    Mr. Sharad "Jack Ass" Pawar

  29. Hitesh...Yes, even I couldn't relate to the logic. Strange are the ways of our statesmen.

  30. Very well written. For Sharad Pawar it is not a question of survival, he is a king maker both in Maharashtra and to large extent at the centre. What this shameless guy after is more money , more power, not for him , but for his daughter now. He is playing cards carefully and we will see Supriya Sule as the central minister for Food. What a pity, this capable man, who has one leg in the grave could do nothing for Food and Agriculture.

  31. Suhas..Oh he has trained Supriya well, she is the queen of denials.


  32. Wonderful. Like this one. the subtle humour speaks volumes. And that too for a social cause, makes me smile.

    Nice idea of secret diary stuff!


  33. Have written quite a few Secret Diaries. This one came after a long break. Glad you liked it, restless.

  34. haha..even this one is hilarious..wondering how does it not feature under sarcastically yours..when every bit of it is sarky..really loved reading it

  35. It's part of my Secret diary series :) And all of them are sarcy as hell!!


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