Kalmuddy Waters

Cacofonix  is down with a serious hangover from the games, hallucinating about the speech that Kalmadi never gave.

Namaste from Shoerace Kalmuddy! I love you all! With events now over, it is my pleasure to welcome you all to the Commonwealth Games credit-taking – no, I am sorry – thanksgiving ceremony. Among many distinguished guests this evening, we have Prime Minister Shri Manmohan Desaiji, His Highnesses Louise Phillip and Van Heusen from UK, and Princess Bloody Mary from Mexico.

Games have been Smashing Success, as you see from celebration of Australian athletes throwing washing machine and bathtub from 8th floor of games village. It is feat that Indian weightlifters will repeat in next game in Scotchland. I am thanking Smt Sonia Gandhiji in advance for making me head of that delegation because I like Scotch.

I thank Rahul Gandhiji for witnessing many sports events as common man in kurta, little beard and dimple. I am thanking him for not pulling me up for not sending him VIP tickets because ticket printer, imported from China, did not have manual in English or menu with Manchurian Chicken. It also did not have bill in English and we made mistake of paying more, confusing money and decimal point. I thank CAG in advance for understanding the reasons when they investigate.

My biggest thanks to people of Dilli. School and college was closed so students could practise for opening and closing ceremony dance, and could be volunteers for Shera with clean socks and armpits every day. Dilliwallas have s’ported sporting spirit by reducing traffic. No school bus. No U-special. No blue line. No car because no road remaining for non-CWG vehicles. No rickshaw because all rickshaw pullers gone back to Bihar and Bangladesh. Many people left city for holiday and are now happy, like respected Money Shankar Iyerji. He even told me I have a humorous middle. He is joker.

Games have been very good for Indian athletes with lot of medals. Many will cherish medals when they become old and sick, living in village in Haryana without premium soft toilet paper which they used during games. Some problems have been there like cobra snake in bathtub, diarrhoea bacteria in swimming pool, dengue mosquito in teacup and birdflu virus in chicken soup. But we gave free medical treatment to all visiting officials and athletes as Indian gesture. We did head replacement surgery for many people who said “you must be out of your mind to afford this!” We also included hip replacement and root canal treatment for athletes from Africa because they have lot of hippopotamus in their country and have to run in jungles and canals without underwear.

My thanks to all members of OC, MCD, DDA, ABC and DEF. For keeping mouth shut.

My thanks to the balloon. It has not passed gas all these days.

I hereby declare the 19th Commonwealth Games disclosed.


  1. absolutely brilliant piece! :-))

  2. its brilliant stuff. but things were not so bad i think.

  3. ROFL..Purba,this was hilarious-though, of course, I must give credit to the guy for the games beginning and ending without any major hitches or glitches. Don't you agree?

  4. You're really good at this "making fun by impersonating" thing :)

    Sweet clean theme btw.

  5. Hahahaha..

    Thank you Rahul Gandhiji for gracing us with your presence at the boxing ring. I hear the next congress rally is happening there. You came to see the stadium? Top class I tell you!


  6. lol, Mr Bard, you are really cool and incredible! :-p

  7. greetings,

    i am a poet and painter living in the los angeles area, working in various media.

    i would like to share with you my poetry blog:


    my work has been compared to rumi and others of the mystic poets.

    and my painting website:


    my current series of large paintings continue the abstract expressionist tradition of pollack and rothko.

    my books are available at:


    I am currently co-editing an anthology of short fiction called tequila tales. it is an exciting and delightful read that will be published by thanksgiving.


    thank you for your time. i hope you feel interested in sharing my work.


    roy anthony shabla


    excerpt from keys

    i will leave a key for you
    hidden by the door.

    do not let the locks delay you~
    they are paper and string
    and not even sealed.

    there is just one key
    to open the door

    and it sings

    so you will find it easily
    if you listen.

    it sings in key
    of course,

    it sings in harmony
    and you will be humming

    as you enter.

  8. hmmm....what are the chances that this was the first draft of the speech? I think Muddy boy just added a couple more sycophant paragraphs about the Gandhi family in a last ditch effort to save his hide.

    P.S. Last heard, poachers are laying down traps for Shera

  9. Corinne and Amit...Much as I would love to hog the credit for this article. It's a guest post by Cacofonix :))

  10. excellent post...i am sure this man will escape from the clutches of law...but hope he gets humiliated atleast in some way

    Or atleast he is ousted from IOA

  11. Lol! :D It's hilarious...I'm just ROFL. :D

  12. This is simply too good :). Tickeled my bones! Enjoyed reading it. An excellent dessert after CWG ....lol

  13. Poor Fellow...I was touched by the way he paused to listen to the boos!
    Great fun read...thanks Purba...WAY TO GO Cacofonix!

  14. Nalini...Did you watch his interview on CNN IBN last night. According to him, they were not boos but cheers for him and the booing was meant for some other committee members.

    The man is clearly delusional!

  15. Enjoyable post. You rock!
    (By the way P.M. is Dr. Manmohan Singh)

  16. The bard is at it again! #LovingIt

  17. @Sandeep, Harish, Bhagwad: keep cheering!
    @AmitL: the games happened inspite of him, I think
    @mazingout, Rajashree, Nethra: sorry I am making you guys roll on the floor, clutching your tummies. exercise is good, though

  18. @Bhavna, Abha, Kartikay: the bard flourishes his bow as he bows to the appreciation
    @Jon: heard a bunch of youngsters cornered him at a restaurant on Lodhi Road and let him have it
    @Ayyangar: "Desai" was a jab at muddy boy's malappropisms

  19. @Nalini: no doubt, you would have observed his keen sense of style as well. The ample middle, straining to break free from the shackles of horizontal stripes adorning the plus size T-shirt

  20. You are a master of satire, Purba, er...Cacofonix :)Hopefully he doesn't get to go to 'Scotchland'! :D

    But to give the devil his due, the various sporting events did go without any hitch, even if the city had to pay a heavy price for it, as he himself acknowledged.

  21. lol!!! super!
    loved your gratitude to the balloon!!!

  22. Declare the games disclosed!!! An awesome end to a very spicy post on an equally spicy blog.

  23. @thoughtful, aparna, varsha: thankee, merci beaucoup!
    @magiceye: the balloon and the head full of air...
    @zephyr: our sportspersons bailed us out, but will we remember them and continue to support their well being once the euphoria dies down?
    @mangoman: the last word!

  24. This is too good :)

  25. my tummy aching as it concludes :DDDD


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