Saturday, November 6, 2010

When Arun-dhoti Gives It To Those Ones….

Image courtesy.Shreyas Navare
Dear Diary….. I can’t tell you how mortified I am to be a part of this Bhooka-nanga Desh. And Desh is not the snotty boy I knew back in school, but my sadistic homeland, Hindoostan. I am filing for separation along with my Kashmiri brothers and sisters and my Gandhian buddies with guns, the sweet Maoist fellas. Anybody else who seeks azaadi from this Neo Nazi state, where minorities are routinely persecuted and the poor cheerfully exploited, please, please file for membership to Annie’s Ark. Oh, I haven’t told you about my ship have I? Gosh! I’m so excited about it….It will be shaped like a Kerala houseboat, handcrafted with walnut wood from the paradise of Kashmir and my Narmada Bachao Andolan mates have promised to paint cheerful motifs in bright colours to keep the blues away. It will be fun cruising together, a bunch of zealots protesting loudly against all the ills that ail this world. If I’m in a good mood, I might just teach you the skill of writing provocative essays (but only after I finish penning down mine). Its strange how I can never stop writing, the moment I manage to finish my 5555000 worded essay, I chance upon a report on Israel’s state brutality, the anguish of Afghanistan, a dam being built, yet another nuclear bomb ….my eyes brim over with tears and I start writing again. So much pain, so much suffering and poor little Annie, the lone crusader against this pitiless, ruthless world. I must articulate my anguish, I must scream hysterically from rooftops, I must rush to save the terrified trees, the flustered farmers, the misunderstood peace loving Maoists…..they need me, the voice of the voiceless, their Goddess of all things big and small. And, I know there is always hope. If I cannot make it to the presidency like Dilma Rousseff, I can still become the UN ambassador for the downtrodden.

But I’m still in Kashmir, sipping my Kahwa and dreaming of a Utopian world. In the evening I’ll go pelt stones and burn some effigies. Hmm...I almost feel Bengalish today (forget the deception my name conveys). My heart beats for the bhodralok city that breeds drawing room revolutionaries, who express emotional distress by going on strikes and breaking the glass façade of the USIS Library every time America indulges in brazen imperialist acts like bombing Iraq or opening up a McDonalds branch in Nandigram. But I have even been offered citizenship of the new Azad Kashmir and a complementary houseboat on Dal Lake. And my new found Jihadi friends have promised to teach me how to assemble a bomb in five minutes flat!! I am trembling with excitement and now my heart beats louder for Kashmir. Yet, I can’t stop reminiscing about my Maoist comrades. It’s been a while since I visited the Dandkaranya forests they haunt. Oh to sleep under the stars, on the bare ground, my private suite in a thousand star hotel and walking under the canopy of trees, my heart singing a symphony divine. When I was not sleeping, I tried putting my anguish across to my tribal comrades, against the brutal, rapacious state that wants to usurp their land. But alas, they couldn’t comprehend my Hindi and I couldn’t comprehend their English. It was awkward but I had to keep on trying, I asked “kaisa lag rahaa hai apko?” With a toothy grin they offered me an unusual red chutney. It tasted fiery, so very peculiar, almost folicy. It was then I spotted heaps of red ants being ground in the mortar for the chutney. I almost threw up, but I had to find a bush first. And that reminded me of the other imperialistic Bush and the nasty fellow’s evil designs on my Iraqi brothers. My heart let out a silent sob and my stomach an ominous rumble. I spent the entire night running from tree to tree.



Diary dearest, it’s only to you I can bare my innermost secrets. It is only to you I can tell, how disappointed I was when the government didn’t file sedition charges against me. I was so looking forward to an enriching term in the jail and had already prepared a heartfelt speech about my free spirit that can never be shackled. “Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand.” It was so moving, I wept while writing it. In jail, I could have shared the sorrows of the inmates, campaigned for their right to freedom and unraveled the greatest PR myth of India as a democracy. I could have written a long expose on the falsity of the police and security forces and why terror is what they deserve for their callous attitude. I am contemplating the urgent need to start a “hug a terrorist” campaign! If only the Mumbaikars had welcomed Kasab and his mates with open arms, instead of fleeing in terror … If only the Taj staff had offered them a welcome drink - a Merlot or a Pinot Noir…..would the 26/11 carnage have happened? Atithi Devo Bhava, after all………

Long, long ago I scripted a movie called “When Annie Gives It to Those Ones”. Oh! Annie has been giving it to those ones left, right and center - from big dams to the nuclear bomb, from the vagaries of capitalism to the dangers of American Imperialism. She will never stop will she?


31 comments:

  1. I loved this:
    "...I chance upon a report on Israel’s state brutality, the anguish of Afghanistan, a dam being built, yet another nuclear bomb ….my eyes brim over with tears and I start writing again. So much pain, so much suffering and poor little Annie, the lone crusader against this pitiless, ruthless world. I must articulate my anguish, I must scream hysterically from rooftops, I must rush to save the terrified trees, the flustered farmers, the misunderstood peace loving Maoists…..they need me, the voice of the voiceless, their Goddess of all things big and small."

    Brilliant as ever.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Brilliant stuff... but if she is really writing a diary, i don't think the matter will differ much from this....

    ReplyDelete
  3. wow wow wow!!!!

    brilliant!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Excellent work. Good Research work done. Congr88s.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Absolutely brilliant.
    Read another good one on Arundhati'Cheergirl for a Hatemonger like Geelani' in the latest India Today pg 17 by Prasannarajan. He aptly calls her "a dissident in search of a situation.She has to invent an India that fits her causes, her anger."

    ReplyDelete
  6. Absolutely brilliant.
    Read another good one on Arundhati'Cheergirl for a Hatemonger like Geelani' in the latest India Today pg 17 by Prasannarajan. He aptly calls her "a dissident in search of a situation.She has to invent an India that fits her causes, her anger."

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hilarious post. Arundhati reminds me of characters from 1984 & Animal Farm. Quite a disillusioned lady.

    ReplyDelete
  8. That was a scream, Purba. I loved the bit about Annie's Ark shaped like a Kerala houseboat! What a great crusader she is, isn't she? We don't need enemies with activists like her.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I had read about Annie (of the Ark)
    and her outcries...Disgusting..I hate it when someone pulls this sort of stunts for publicity..

    ReplyDelete
  10. Astounding stuff. It's like you were in her head! It's atrocious how she does all that propaganda when she doesn't realise neither the repercussions of her actions nor her own foolishness.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You wrote as if possessed by the Bar Nowl who rightly won a Booker but sadly went on to become the Hooker of everything wrong under the Sun!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Haha Purba! This was a superb piece! Arun-dhoti really needs to find a cause which she wants to do good to, with all of her heart. She probably likes the "any publicity is good publicity" mantra.

    Well, you've certainly shot the "newbie" tag out of the window. Is blogadda listening?

    ReplyDelete
  13. tht w@s @wesome ...loooved the s@rc@sm ... sh@ring it on FB ..hope u dont mind :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Cool!! Also read your heart-warming Bhai post on Asia.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Woh!

    That was really, really well written! Plus, for a while I couldn't read beyond Kahwa. I want some Kahwa now! ARRGGHH!!

    I do hope you send this to Outlook, Arun-dhoti's full-time supporter :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Tanay....So glad you liked it:)

    Harish...But it will be never as short as this.

    magiceye...Phew!! Thank god!!!

    manas...Yupp the post required tons of research, glad you appreciate it.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Alka...Oh have to catch hold of that issue. But cheerleader for Gilani is an apt description.

    Prateek...and tireless too. She never runs out of issues.

    Zephyr... She should set sail on her ark ASAP.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Blue Lotus....She lost her few admirers after her 9 is not 11 article and her recent outburst on Kashmir. Ms Arun-dhoti ...Please stay put and don't come back.

    D2....Foolish is the right word!!!

    Uma...LMAO @ Hooker of everything wrong under the Sun!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Priyanka...Grr at Blogadda and a bright sunny smile for Priyanka.

    Vicious...Oh I don't mind at all, the more the merrier :))

    Giribala...thanks

    Kartikay...Oh Outlook did publish an open letter directed at her highness and it was definitely not warm and filled with good wishes.

    ReplyDelete
  20. whoa....or shud i say ouch... :D

    rest has been covered thru the above comments :P

    ReplyDelete
  21. She is a loser bitch who's barking to get some attention, ain't she? By the way, loved the post. Wish you had proved her foolisher than you have already portrayed her.

    ReplyDelete
  22. woooaaaa what a harddd hitting post... did Arun-dhoti read this!!! definately she should.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Aashi....Ouch sounds better :)

    Nethra...That's too strong a term! But yes, her constant India bashing is now getting tiresome.

    Rajlakshmi...Oh dear, if she does she will beat me to pulp with her acerbic tirade.

    ReplyDelete
  24. This is brilliant. And the tinge of humour just makes it that more enjoyable. Roy's seems like she is on crack all the time. I don't know what she sniffs, but I guess it'd be worth finding out xD

    ReplyDelete
  25. Poor Annie, here she is, her heart weeping for every single, downtrodden person this country.. If only she didn't 'love' our country so much! How much longer before she gets a Nobel Prize, do you think? She might call herself the new age Mahatma, anytime now!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Ujjwal...Organic Crack??

    Smitha...Nobel prize for peace? But why?? considering her side-effects are always lethal.

    We deserve a Veer Chakra for tolerating her this long.

    ReplyDelete
  27. What would you say if an American stood up and in A-Run-Dhoti style proclaimed endlessly that 9 11 was the handiwork of the US Govt to expand Islamophobia? to justify their actions? to maintain world order?
    Would you say he is a man with a mission intent on exposing the terrorist that USA is? or would you say he is nuts for bring up issues that are unpatriotic/against the homeland?
    I think in a democracy one needs to elegantly confront and humbly discuss issues that question/threaten it. For democracy to be successful, uncomfortable questions need to be asked and rebuking that follows is a must too. That is how a problem becomes solved, if not at least attended to. Issues are thus kept active.
    We need more people like her who state the unthinkable...to make people think...to bring change in mindsets...for us to get off our happy content bottoms do something for the deprived-at least think of them as an an entity.
    Your post is one side of the argument and you have written a wonderful piece about why what she say against India is ridiculous. I would like to see a post about how what she said can make a difference to the way India thinks.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Nalini...After the David Headley expose, the theory almost sounds plausible. We all question the government's policies and express our disgust at the sorry state of affairs. In the past she has supported quite a few commendable causes and we all took her seriously.

    But of late her diatribe against the Indian state is getting tiresome. And Kashmir is important for us , she needs to act with more responsibility.

    Why just her, WE can make a difference to the way India thinks. But we have get rid of that "chalta hai" attitude first.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Comments on kashmir by Ms Roy were more emotional than pragmatic. That is why it clashed with expectations of ours.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Yupp...Agree with you on that Arpana

    ReplyDelete
  31. This theme is simply matchless :), very much it is pleasant to me)))

    ReplyDelete

Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...