Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I Hereby Resolve to.....

Image Courtesy exurbmagazine.com



My first reaction to a suggestion for a list of resolutions was- But I never make them! If I want to work towards a new, improved me, why wait an entire year, why not start now. But it’s the first week of January; the whole world is wracking their brains hard towards their a little more of this and a little less of that list. So why should I be left behind? And I thought hard, really hard and came up with this.



I will act less violently the next time I see a pic of Kareena Kapoor pouting at the camera. Of course the ‘come hither, I’m too hot for my own good’ look is not directed at me, but for her million panting male fans. In reality though, I’ve yet to come across a living being who’s as much in love with Ms Kapoor as the lady herself. This year, the new, patient me will pout back in all my lip glossed glory.

I will finish what I started – City of Djinns that I have been reading for the past two months, Atlas Shrugged- that I should have finished ten years back, In an Antique Land- collecting dust for the last three years. The batch of muffins that I was supposed to bake five years back. I bought the moulds and then conveniently stored them in the darkest corner of my loft. Note to self – find those damn things.

I will stop criticizing our hard working netas and send a personal thank you note to all of them. Thank you for working so sincerely for the benefit of your bank balance and contributing to the growing GDP. May the zeros in your scams rise significantly.

No more forwarding stale Rajnikanth jokes to my friends. Enough of Rajni Saar knows Victoria’s Secret....Can make onions cry....Killed the Dead Sea......Can play the violin with the Piano... Has threatened to delete the Internet if we don’t stop circulating jokes about him. I actually took his threat seriously. Please Saar, anything but the Internet, my life depends on it.

I promise to age backwards. In Woody Allen’s words.... “In my next life, I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement and are generally promiscuous. Then you are ready for high school, you become a kid, play. You have no responsibilities; you become a baby until you are born. And then spend 9 months floating in a luxurious spa, with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!” Why next life, I want to start right now!

2011 here I come, in all my pouting, earnestly thankful and somewhere near the finish line, avatar. And by the time you finish reading this, I will be in school sporting spiky hair with purple nails, furiously chewing gum and fantasizing about my imaginary vampire boyfriend. Mum, do I really need to take my bath!

61 comments:

  1. my new year resolution? is to be the first to comment on your blogs..and here i am..

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  2. The second resolution reminded me of Digital Fortress, it should be somewhere on my shelf.
    Wow, Ma'am you're doing something to cut the popularity of Rajni. :)
    And regarding bath, a holiday should be declared as No-Bath Day. At least it'll help me in giving my mom a reason, why I don't want to bath on Sundays.

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  3. Menon...A big warm hug for that resolution.

    Prateek... Digital Fortress was unputdownable!
    Start an online campaign for your "No bathing" initiative :))

    magiceye..I have tried, I look AWFUL!

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  4. Awww.. That was soo child like innocence in your post. Really said the truth in a fun yet keeping the essence.
    Kareena actually needs to get over of her self obsession! And oh wow.. That living life backward thing was really touching.. Life will actually nice if we had hardships first and enjoy at last. Amazing amusing..

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  5. you deserve to have a weekly column in a newspaper!

    PS: I actually tried the purple nail paint and it does make them look vampirish ;)

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  6. hahahaha...this is hilarious :D

    its terrible to laugh at such 'sincere' resolutions, but i can't help it!!!

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  7. Deepika...The Curious Case Of Bejiman Button presented a bleak scenario of aging backwards. Trust Woody Allen to come up with a fun version.

    Delhizen...Aww thanks...Try purple with glitter. Seriously, doesn't look THAT bad!

    Siddhartha...Sincere and unbreakable :P

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  8. Witty sarcasm...Bang on about Kareena....She's way too artificial. Poor Saif.

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  9. Rajnikanth saar just informed that he appreciates your effort and concern not to pass and fwd jokes made about him and in return he wish to give a small token of thanks and is willing to throw a small pouch containing " aging backwards pills "which only he has till now ,from wherever he is and will land directly to you. (he doesn't trust the couriers i guess) and he also wish to suggest some items like playing gulli dunda, pond fishing , kite flying which he misses the most now due to his schedules when you are ready as a kid and play your timessssss away.
    well as for Kareena ...he says ssshhh because he doesnt want to comment on his next heroine he is going to romance around the trees.

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  10. Alka...I wish she'd stop rolling her eyes, makes her look scary.

    RK..A pouch is good, would want to share it friends and family, It's no fun being young and alone :P

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  11. That was so nice... I seriously think, other than the journos no one is in awe of Kareena!

    And Rajni jokes...it's not stale yaar, I love them. Y dont u start posting it when u are short of ideas

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  12. thumbs up for the woody Allen quote :P

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  13. Amen to all those then ..

    and hey when you manage to age backwards please do share how to with me i am desperate now to get going ... BACKWARDS i mean :)

    awwww to Rajnikant but WHYYYYYYYYYYY :)

    All the best with all the resolutions, I did not make any still thinking what to ...

    Bikram's

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  14. "NAYE SAAL HUMKO YEH UMMID DE-DE
    TU SAPNE DE NA DE ..PER NEEND DE-DE"
    read more on my Blog and give ur views plz.......
    http://irfanurs.blogspot.com/2010/12/naye-saal-humko-yeh-ummid-de-de.html

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  15. I think Kareena could use some health, her face is caving in and don't they call her skinny?

    I have been persistent with Atlas Shrugged and have not distracted myself with any other shorter novel. I will finish it sometime soon. Its a great novel.

    Sending a cheque with some amount would be much appreciated by them. :P

    Seriously? did he? I thought he had some sense of humour.

    And I just want to live, Life.

    Nice post.

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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  16. You never forwarded me Rajnikanth jokes :-/

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  17. Mind-blowingly hilarious. And the deft touch was the Woody Allen quote. Loved that! :D

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  18. Owwww my cheeks hurt! I tried the pout and held as long as I could. I could kill this woman now.

    Hehe.. nice post ;)

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  19. heeehaaa!
    the unrelenting list of resolutions :) but this one sounds quite do-able :P allll the best.. and thanks for reminding us about all the pending things we need to catch up on :)

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  20. Yeah, Kareena pouts a lot doesn't she? And the way she goes 'saifuuuu' is absolutely dreadful to hear! :( Good going on the rajnikant part. Had enough of em already -- on Facebook, twitter and just about any social networking site!

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  21. Jon..I've reached a saturation point...No more Rajni jokes!

    flawsophy..Yea, thumbs up to that man for putting it so beautifully.

    Ana-treek....:))

    Bikramjeet...Don't we all want to age backwards!!!!

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  22. Irfannudin...A very Happy New Year to you as well:)

    Blasphemous Aesthete...Don't we fund their foreign trips, their Z security and all their indulgences with our tax money!
    Hey, I love that quote.

    Giribala...Tit for tat :P

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  23. Vinatha..I know, it's so well put.

    mazingout...You are pretty as you are.

    S...The pending list, don't we all have them :)

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  24. Bhawna...:D

    Dhanya...Did you know she calls Bond street - Band street? And for some one who claims she went to Harvard for some micro computing course, she can't even operate a computer!

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  25. I know Ma'am Digital Fortress is unputdownable but curse my exams. And now it seems my all interest has dissolved.
    And I too war thinking to start a Cause on FB but my mom wants to see the support of parties like BJP, Congress and JDU (okay okay, not Congress :-P) with me.

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  26. Ha Ha!! I will second you in avoiding Rajini's PJ's.

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  27. Last I heard is SRK patched up with Farah Khan after reading this post and both are hatching up plans to make Main hoon na Part 2 with SRK in the same school where you will be sporting spiky hair with purple nails, furiously chewing gum and fantasizing about my imaginary vampire boyfriend ;)

    Happy romantic dreamy youngly butterly delicious new year ;)

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  28. Prateek..So go make your Mom happy :P

    Atreya...Too many, for too long.

    Lakshmi...LMAO, your comment was funnier than my post! Not fair, not fair at all :))

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  29. Completely reflect on your thoughts - why to wait an year to improve me. I resolve each day and implement too..

    your kind resolutions would be interesting to make!

    Wish you a Very Happy New Year and many more joyous experience and therefore blog posts for us to relish!

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  30. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  31. Vintage Purba :) Have you seen 'The curious case of Benjamin Button?' In it Brad Pitt actually does what Woody Allen only wishes for. Wonder how our Bollywood fellows have not made a remake of that one. Kareena can't star in that one, pout or no, since Kate Blanchet continues to age even as Pitt regresses.

    Don't worry, Rajni saar will take pity on you and refrain from deleting the internet, especially since you have made a resolution not to forward jokes on him :D

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  32. mepretentious...The resolutions are more fun than kind :)

    Zephyr..Oh it was an achingly beautiful movie and one of the finest performances by Pitt.
    But the movie made you sad.

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  33. My New Year resolution is to lose 15 kg weight without exercise

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  34. Purba - i promised myself to let go smoke and am on it. Your resolutions look much more sexier... cant wait for the pout!
    stay connected.

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  35. Witty Humour!! I love it!!!!!!!!!! Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat read Purba. I like the concept of aging backwards. Cool!!

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  36. You not gonna thank immoral journalists? You alright with watching Nityananda play krishna? 2010 was really an eventful year.

    By the way, even I don't make resolutions. I just go with the flow.

    Happy new year! :)

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  37. I do hope those muffins from the loft will be edible!
    And are you serious? There was a joke about Rajni deleting the internet? It never came to me. Thank goodness. I would have turned it away without laughing and Rajni may have done his thing. :P
    As for your wanting to have a Curious Case of Purba Ray's next life, good luck with that. The way Woody Allen describes it does sound interesting!
    A very happy new year to you, Di. :)

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  38. Singh from Dominos...How about introducing a pizza without cheese?

    Mayank....That's a good one - just go to KL and try buying a packet there. One look at the pictures and you"ll be put off for life.

    Always Happy is always happy :))

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  39. Nethra...Journalists who lobbied...Immoral?...I'm not too sure. Had completely forgotten about the Nithyananda episode :)

    D2...LOL, you can always find out. Bhopal is not too far away from Delhi :)

    A very Happy New year to you.

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  40. happy new year to u too, well even i hd few, 2 i already broke, n btw STILL TRYNG TO COMPLETE THE FOUNTAINHEAD..nice resolution(probably lyk d last year's) bt ATB

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  41. Last line.......bwahahaha epic.

    xD

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  42. Hilarious post. I like Kareena and her pout ever since I saw Jab We Met :)

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  43. Haha..Purba,u just encouraged me to put some resolutions to paper,nee,blog..
    ----
    A big LOL at ur feelings about Kareena K..yes,pout back-in a 'tit for tat' kind of reaction.Better than annoyance anyday:)
    ---
    Atlas Shrugged--heavens, even we have the book in Baroda--and, I also was reading it in the nineties,then,gave it up-too heavy(pun intended)
    --
    Rajnikant jokes--please fwd them to me--I've read @ 15..but, had a good laugh at most of them.:)
    Cheerio and have a delightful time keeping up with the resolutions..but,these were pretty simple,including the Woody Allen one(since it can't be done in this life,at least..LOL)..now,what @ some more resolutions that are difficult to do/take/make/follow/keep up to?:)

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  44. Vineet...Fountainhead happens to be one of my favourite reads. Have read it twice.

    Pulkit...:))

    Ujjwal...By that time will you be a corporate honcho in his 40's?

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  45. Ajay... All the more reason for her to pout.

    Amit...One more partner in crime. Atlas Shrugged was too grim, too dark and those never ending monologues!!!!
    There's an entire website dedicated to Rajni jokes:)

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  46. great post....loved the 'kareena's pout' part the most!

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  47. The last para of ageing backwards was awesome! Keep rocking, let this new year my computer fill itself with all your amazing blog posts :)

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  48. Hilarious..Loved the part of pout and the bath.As for the pout I don't want to resolve "I won't make a face next time when..."..Happy New Year..

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  49. Pankaj...Kareena sends you a pouty thank you.

    Anto...Don't we all want to age backwards :)

    Blue Lotus...Bathing is so last century...whatever!!

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  50. A standing ovation for the post.
    speechless.
    I think you have the zing to write humorous books.

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  51. Could you mail me your pic...pouting at Kareena? And were you searching throughout the net for all her pics....my you must have a serious crush her :P

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  52. After Atlas Shrugged, Try Fountain Head, You will love it :)
    rajiv
    http://rrajiv.wordpress.com

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  53. Pramod...LOL really?? Am grinning from ear to ear.

    Amit...http://www.bollywoodtrends.net/2010/10/rajnikanth-jokes-and-his-super-natural.html

    Prats...That pic required quite a bit of sleuthing.

    Rajiv.. I have read Fountainhead, happens to be one of my favourite reads :)

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  54. Hahaha... i really loved all this ranting and will start following your blog religiously now... By the way..between u n me....how many resolutions have you started putting to practice?:P

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  55. Aparna...It was fun writing them, whether I'll follow them or not is material for another resolution.

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