Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Mrs. Ray, I Am Banning You....

His online moniker is Snow leopard... At 23, he is just a cub but with a mind of his own. Nopes, he takes no garbage but composts it instead.  A budding environmentalist, passionate about photography, a comic freak and with many dreams. Presenting Prateek Varma to you.....

That was one of my earlier jokes with Purba and I was wearing my Ray-bans....

When I came to know that A-musing will turn a year old by the end of February, I had to write something.  But then I was stuck. What do you write for a blogger who is so good and popular? You can be a damn good blogger and not be popular.....or sometimes you write shit but are quite popular.  But Mrs. Ray here...writes excellent stuff and is equally popular.  So what do you do? I couldn't rip her writing apart for the fear of being lynched by her fanatic fans (there must be a handful of them). And I couldn't write a humour post for her, since she is damn good in that department and I would have been ripped apart by the readers.

So, what do I write? I remember the first post I read at A-musing. It was about her driving lessons she was taking. And my first reaction was....ho hum....till I started reading. And then I came back. There was a strange force that compelled me to come back...again and again. A hypnotic effect, something ethereal.  I was having a hard time, trying to fathom the reason, but to no avail. And then I read a guest post by Miss Ray, which told us how her dear mother is actually a vampire.  And all the scattered pieces of the puzzle came together. 

Hah...She is a bloodsucker. No wonder she chose teaching as a profession. 

But the first time I actually experienced this was when a few of us fellow bloggers (read 4) decided to get together. The day was fixed and so was the venue and the time. I was a few minutes late. And the dormant school teacher in her suddenly came to life. 

“You are late.”

“I am sorry. The metro suffered a few glitches in between...and...”

And while I tried hard to explain my case..she made me stand outside CCD for 15 minutes and might have written a note for my parents, had the others not pleaded on my behalf. 

“Whenever you call a teacher...always come on time."

“Yes, Ma'am.” Grrrr..... And then I saw the fangs. As I was being told off, I saw the pointed canines playing peak-a-boo from behind the incisors. And then I saw the blood red drink in front of her. 

“What’s it you are having.”

“Oh…this. Strawberry blush.”   I was looking at the eyes to catch any glimpses of menace. Strawberry Blush...indeed.  If she really was what it seemed she was, then I had something to fear. I am an AB-ve you see, the rarest blood group in the world.  And I would have been a rare delicacy. And then we began chatting and I got to know that behind the seemingly (or rather my imagination gone awry) vampirish outer layer, was a very good human being who had a wicked sense of humour.  But that still didn't stop me from observing the neck and especially the jugular area of Mr. Ray who joined us later, to be sure.

But I did tease her on that post for quite a long time until she was ready to kill me. Or rather in her own words, drown me slowly in a vat of hot chocolate. 

But I always had this image of the serious Bong lady in my head, who has sarcasm and wit as weapons.  Kind of like the stiff lipped humour which the English are famous for or infamous for.  But that image took the severest beating when I was invited for a day out at Dilli Haat. And I saw her getting excited in front of a herbal soap stall, like a little kid in front of a cotton candy seller. 

“I just love soaps. Especially the hand made ones. Body shop is like a second home.”

Should I tell her that I just had a bath after 5 days and that is because I had to go out!  And should I tell that since nothing else was available I used Vim. There was a choice between that and Harpic.
“Ahh is it?  I am not too keen about soaps.”

“I only use these handmade soaps. Can't have enough of them.”

My mind wandered around the water crisis in our country. Baby Ray on the other hand was busy inhaling a bamboo stick dipped in some scented oil.  Reminded me of the old Akbar Birbal comics in which Akbar is shown sticking a rose in his nose. 

A few moments with Purba and you would really understand why she is so popular. I know I can joke with her and make remarks about her age (or rather old age as I like to grind it into her) without any fear. Because she is cool and chilled out enough to take it and answer with a witty comeback. A great person to hang around with. And someone you would call up for advice. I have and will be calling you to discuss a post, how I should write it or maybe a few years later, which gift to buy for my girlfriend )

Interestingly, I wouldn't have known Purba, had it not been for her blog.  And I thank the stars that she was not my teacher in school, else I would have hated her. Nothing against the profession, I just have a vendetta against most my old teachers. 

Thanks Mrs Ray for this wonderful blog and best wishes for more anniversaries to come.

P.S   And your are not a newbie anymore, notable or otherwise ;)
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  1. Hey....thanks for publishing it and good wishes to the blog :)
    Though....a cub??? at 23?
    And I am a photography freak too :P

  2. @Snow Leopard : I guess you remain a cub because Purba Di might be centuries old. :P

    I am soon to be asking her for advice too. Very close to that point! :D

  3. @Varsha: Cute? Cute? Hmm... I was hoping for a terrifying intro that makes me look evil incarnate. Here let me show you my canines while me growl... Grrrrrr.....

    @D2: Ahh...yes. The enchanting tale of the enchantress. Yes, Mrs Ray could help.

  4. Thats an awesomely cute post on Ma'm Vampire;) Was in fact laughing out loud alone, imagining Mrs Ray's picture with fangs, those teeth and blood oozing out her mouth....hahaha! Am O negative Mrs Ray, shall sure keep distance when we meet in person!LOL!

  5. Looks like it is written by a PR consultant :-P

    But I must admit... all these posts I read about you Purba, I feel more than eager to meet you when I'm in Delhi next time. Whenever I do and if we meet, I will have a request though. It will not be a CCD and I'll not stand out side for coming late :-P

  6. Giggle Giggle.Loved the post.Especially the vampire part.And hand made soaps,we have a thing in common...

  7. Hehe Purba.. Pat's really written this post well! :) Awesome stuff.

    Uhmmm... If I ever get to meet you, make sure you aren't drinking anything red!

  8. Cloud nine...Yea Mrs Ray comes with a statutory warning :p

    Mayur...We actually shifted to Costa Coffee where Prats took some awful close-ups of me.
    And yea it will definitely not be CCD.

    Blue Lotus...Slave to our olfactory senses ;)

    Pzes....I was actually having coffee and he was having his Snapple. Why do you think I called him a cub!

  9. Oh so that meet is NOT a "blogger meet" ?

    (By the way, I don't remember getting blasted for coming much later than you!)

    And don't worry Snow Leopard, even I've used Vim for my bath. Only after Holi!

    Great post!

  10. I am glad i took to blogsphere.. how else could i ever get the opportunity to enjoy this steady stream of intelligent humor. lovely post snow leopard. (why this moniker though)

  11. A great tribute indeed... we got a chance to know more personally on quite a famous blogger

  12. and well for a moment I forgot this was Ms. Purbas blog.. i dont remember how i landed up at your blog.. sometimes things do happen for the good !

  13. @Cloud9:Or you could wear a few cloves of garlic around your neck.

    @Mayur: I will get back to you later. PR consultant indeed

    @Blue lotus: Join the soapy club :P

    @Piyu: Thank you thank you for the appreciation. :) And I will tell you the juicy bits later...and show the close ups. ;)

    @Magic: cute

    @Kartikay: She was half drunk by the time you arrived (Caffeine high you see). And thats why I stopped playing holi. You get wet twice. First by coloured water and then with transparent water to remove the colour. Whats the point?

    @Purba: Huh! at cub

    @Mayank: Why snow leopard? Don't ask. I usually have no idea about why I do what I do.

    @Jon: Glad you didn't say 'cute'

  14. These have got to be weirder times when snow leopards can write so well....

  15. Good one prateek :)

    and so many facts on purba ahmm ahmmm :)


  16. Loved the anniversary tribute Snow Leopard. Couldn't stop laughing aloud reading about your looking for fang marks on Mr.Ray's neck. Psst. Did you find any?

    Purba, blog on! And keep the scintillating posts coming thick and fast. They add zest to a dull day.

  17. Hey Purba,

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  18. @ Uma: Oh...they can do a lot many things. We will rise and it will be the end of you over-hyped monkey race called homo sapien race.

    @Bikram: Thank you

    @ Zephyr: Thanks. Well not exactly, but then maybe he is the count. ;)

    @ Ravish: thank you

  19. Since there is so much talk about tributes n al, I also wanna chip in..Purba is my favorite blogger too!..She's awesome and I love reading her posts when I'm frustrated..they always make me laugh..Thank u Purba!!

  20. Really Purba, Cub @ 23? I heard that leopards have a relatively short lifetime when compared to Us. Even medical treatment may stretch it to many more years, yet, cub?

    I think that it is the A-Musing effect that even the oynx is talking and that too is humourous.

    Snow Leopard, what did you suspect she was having when at CCD, Devil's Own? :P

  21. @ Blasphemous: Onyx??? Onyx?? You dare compare a Snow Leopard, the most ferocious mountain predator with an....Onyx. Blasphemy! Blasphemy! You are true to your name.

  22. I know purba has got a lot about u r old jokes but i would love to add that uve got some uthfulness about u....keep has been a pleasure to read ur blog

  23. Hi Purba,

    At least give it a try. If you don't like it you can always opt out. It is as simple as creating a gmail account. It might be same experience as you had when you created your weblog.

    I would request you to give it a try. It won't take more than five minutes.


  24. You can get a feel of how the blog would like if you register it with us


  25. Ravish and Utkarsha...Sure, will take a look.

    Zephyr...And I am missing reading your posts.

    Ana-treek...Aww, thanks a ton. You just made my day :)

    Blasphemous Aesthete & D2...All these 20 somethings are now gunning for my life. Naah you are menacing predators, ready to pounce at the world!

    And Snow Leopard's memory has given up on him..It was BARISTA!!!

    Thanks Shahid :)

  26. Ah! someone finally got Pats under the thumb!!! Suuper :)

    Can't wait for March 6 to come :)

  27. Awww..that is so sweet. Purba sure is all that and more!
    Snow Leopard you yourself are a gifted writer..And lol, "Should I tell her that I just had a bath after 5 days.... There was a choice between that and Harpic."


  28. This one was sarcastically cute.
    Synopsis - Witty English teacher can jeopardize your minds. :-P

  29. Nah...I remember it was Barista...but I couldn't remember a red drink that is available there. So you may call the change, artistic freedom.

  30. @Shady: Thank you for the compliment

    @Pal: Under the thumb? one can control me. Whats special about March 6?

    @Alka: Thanks :)

    @Prateek: But the irony here is that she was a computer teacher who have a vocabulary that comprises of only 0 and 1

  31. That was some sense of humour!!
    Purba being the muse :D
    I immediately went to Prateek's blog to get a little more dose of the humour.. only to find pictures!! Ok pictures were awesome :) but I want humourrrrrrrr..

    Congratulations Purba for your anniversary..

  32. Thank you Purba for giving our product a try. We already have users such as Pagal Patrakar (Founder of Faking News) and The Hindu. Following is an independent review of our product

    Again, we are delighted that you decided to have a look.


  33. Prateek...Correction...I didn't teach English in school.

  34. Heck, this is irony. I thought you were English teacher. You have Engi-Binary Vocabulary. :P

  35. @Snowy cat
    Oops sorry, it wasn't a onyx but a lynx :P
    Feel better?

  36. @Blasphemous: Nope...Snow Leopard it will be.
    A lynx is a medium sized cat whereas a leopard is a big cat. And so is the Snow Leopard also Panthera uncia

  37. This guy is really very good!
    Or maybe its all about the Inspiration!! :)
    Nice to know a little more about you :)

  38. Humorous tribute!Got to know more about you-and happy anniversary for your blog!

  39. There couldn't have been a better way to celebrate the anniversary!
    Brilliant post, Prateek:-)
    I love your posts Purba, and Best wishes for many more celebrations like these :-)

  40. meptretentious...He's a smart chap :)

    Arpana...That's his version.

    Arti...Thank you so much.


  41. This comment has been removed by the author.

  42. the ability to joke on self is the best trait one can possess and indulge in.
    nice read:)

  43. @mepretentious and Arti: Thanks :)

    @Arpana: She edited the juicy bits :P

    @Geeta: Grrr.... at cute

    @4those.....: Glad you liked it

  44. Afraid that i might be ripped apart by her readers:) and she is a vampire...
    A good read i must say.

  45. Reading this post makes me realise even more, that after having spent 4 years in Delhi I am now discovering all the great people I could have meet there. Would love to meet you the next time I'm in Delhi. :-)


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