Saturday, February 5, 2011

An Ode That Stinks...

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They are like a whiff of stale air and leave you gasping for oxygen. You dare not breathe in their presence and prefer staying a mile away. If you are stuck in the elevator with them you are doomed. They emit toxic fumes, yet are kind to the environment. In a water starved future, if you accidently stumble upon 15 buckets of water, please say a silent thanks to them. They inadvertently saved water for you with their non-bathing ways.

Water is their enemy, soap so last century. The Deo Empire thrives on their largesse. Why smell fresh when you can have the killer axe effect. Bathing is so proletariat, my animal magnetism is enough to make people swoon. People have been swooning in their presence but for reasons they rather not know.

And they have hallowed company, like Mao, Indian idol of revolutionaries. Mao’s passion for books and banning them was surpassed by his fetish for women and hatred for baths. In his 27 year rule, Mao didn’t bathe even once. He would get himself wiped with a hot towel and considered a swim a bath. Obviously, if you are busy stirring up a revolution and founding communism in China, you don’t really have time to indulge in trivial pursuits like bathing. And when you are powerful, do you really care what the women think about you? Naah...Strangely he found enough time to read his many books and getting them banned, so that the rest of China could not read them. His logic – the more books you read the more stupid you become. Bathing, perhaps for the great Mao was another manifestation of stupidity.



Julian Assange, the rebel who has been leaking without a pause, is also far from odour free. The Wiki boss, according to his media collaborators, stinks. Assange loves skipping around like a child at times and doesn’t always wash. Is this the real reason why the Swedish women filed a rape charge against him – he was an assault on their senses?

But this stinky discovery broke my heart. So what if he has been my longest crush, so what if he is often voted as the sexiest man alive, unfortunately it hasn’t provided Johnny Depp with too much hygiene sense! The actor it seems is at loggerheads with soap and water and rarely showers. Why Johnny why? Don’t you care for your fans? Maybe he doesn’t but Depp has found his soulmate in Vanessa Paradis (his live in partner) who shares the same why bathe philosophy. Great minds think alike. Apparently it is hard to be around them and people prefer admiring them from afar. Depp could now run for the title of the worst smelling man alive.
Come to think of it, bathing is a recent phenomenon. Barely 200 years back, it was considered an indulgence. Even the British royalty bathed just once a week and the beauteous Cleopatra in her endeavour to conserve water preferred splashing around in ass’s milk.

What if we all decide to adopt the why bathe way of life. Lalit Bhanot of CWG infamy has already certified us as a nation with dubious hygiene standards. So why not prove him right. Imagine the stink we’ll create! And your body odour can become your secret weapon against all things unsavoury. Don’t have the heart to dump your girlfriend, just stop bathing. Think meetings are a crashing bore, just raise your arms! People will prefer video conferencing with you, your boss will avoid you and people will generally leave you in peace. Is the depleting water table giving you sleepless nights? Say no to a bath. And the time you save can be effectively put to use by skipping around the house a la Assange. It’s still not clear whether he skips around with or without his clothes. You could even try reading a book on Maoist ideologies and make others see red. Or fantasize getting seduced by Jolie with you as the hapless tourist.

And girls, the no bathing strategy is a win-win situation for you as well. Imagine all the money you get to save. No more expensive soaps, shower gels body scrubs and loofahs, just a bottle of perfume will do the trick and keep you smelling like a daisy. True, Body Shop, Lush may get wiped out of business. After all, they have built their empire on the fetish we silly women have, for smelling good. The modern woman will now be an Au Naturel diva.

So next time when a dear friend tells you he rarely showers, don’t curl up your nose in disgust! Please, he deserves your respect. He is the lone wolf, a maverick who doesn’t care what the world thinks about him yet this kind soul cares for the world. A visionary in touch with his true self – uses his bath tub to play chess, shower stall to ponder upon world peace and what’s more he smells like Johnny Depp. Just don’t try to imagine him skipping around.



56 comments:

  1. Hahahaha....one of your funniest.
    Personally I hate taking a bath...have also told you that. A waste of time. Cuts into my brooding time. :P

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  2. LOL... I am remembering an old friend of mine, who had an aversion to brushing teeth and bathing. He says, he had heard many people claiming to achieve greatness by hardwork, luck, dedication, positive thinking, wisdom, and many virtues.. but when was the last time anyone claimed that he brushed teeth twice a day and became a multimillionaire due to that...

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  3. Ha ha ha...you nailed it..You caught all those non-bathers pants down!

    On a honest note, bathing indeed takes a gladiatorial resolve to see it through completion, especially in winters. Waking up from sleep itself is a herculean task and bathing is like adding insult to injury ;-)

    Entertaining post Purba!

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  4. Nice one, I wish the people here in the hostel read this, it serves them right, tribute in itself.
    But if the ladies and the divas stopped bathing, then what would they save money for? I thought they also pay attention to skin tone, skin health, moisture and other things?

    Very nice read.

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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  5. i cant even go 24hrs without washing my hair... and you say no bath! NO BATH!

    No can do....! So i dont care about the environment or about being the next water-saving-hero.. err.. heroine.. So sue me! :P
    Not really ready to give up on my soaps and shampoos.. even if am broke!!!

    And Johnny Depp? :( Broke my heart.

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  6. interesting. esp the Depp part. Kinda made me sad though. I look up to him for so many things.. :(

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  7. Prats...Yea, yea...your warped logic...do leopards take bath~

    Harish...This makes it worse...as if not bathing was not enough.

    Victor...Ahhan another strong advocate for why bathe philosophy :)

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  8. Blasphemous...Why skin care...they can go trekking, vacation in the Maldives...

    Chandana...I am addicted to exotic soaps and Body Shop is like my second home.

    karthick...Hey he's still a brilliant actor! Can't take that away from him.

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  9. heavens, you seem to be upset that johnny depp doesn't shower ... thank god ... the cameras just capture the images/light and not the smell ... else ... i could have never watehed the pirates of carribean more than 10 times (me is a big fan ) :)

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  10. hmm hmm hmm..
    Johny Depp.. :( its a pity...

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  11. Loved the post. Couldn't stop laughing. Assange 'leaking without a pause' :D

    where do you gather these nuggets of wisdom, huh?

    Johnny Depp...you could have spared THAT bit, and let the females go on swooning over him for the right reasons, couldn't you? :P

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  12. heh, but then my pheromones would be washed away....I don't mind people telling me shers like this one:
    जब जब तुम अंगड़ाई लेते हो दम हमारा निकल जाता है,
    ऐ ज़ालिम, डीओडोरेंट लगाने में तुम्हारा क्या जाता है!

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  13. flawsophy....I loved the Pirates of Caribbean too, but now I feel they are stretching it too far.

    Bhawna...Yes..many think its so boho.

    zephyr...I stopped swooning over Depp quite some time back and now I need company :P

    Giribala...But what if your pheromones send someone else's hormones plunging down.

    And wah wah @ your sher.

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  14. The post will surely bring a smile or two on the jawbones of our fossilized ancestors.

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  15. "You could even try reading a book on Maoist ideologies and make others see red"

    Oooh .. aahh! Too maach too maach!

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  16. umashankar...Did you mean sterilized or fossilized?

    Kartikay...Glad you didn't write ossummm!!!

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  17. Well I was not very much liking Johny Depp in Pirates of Caribbean and Charlie and the Chocolate factory, yes he has done good job in acting in both the movies. But i only felt he is very charming in "a tourist". But now.. whatever! :)

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  18. Taking a bath is like a ritual everyday so this explains why poor person like me is not famous or known....ha ha ..purba like this one..good research...have heard about brad pitt too ...so what ya say..

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  19. that was an elitist stinker! :)

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  20. Bhawna...He gets into the skin of the character , that's what sets him apart.

    RK....In India most of us cannot survive without a bath.

    magiceye..are you reprimanding me?

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  21. Add Aamir to the list..His wife Kiran was complaining that Mr Perfectionist is not perfect when it comes to bathing..
    And our standards of hygiene are evident on the railway tracks for all to see and smell.
    Enjoyed it.

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  22. Hahahaha...Nice post..Really nice
    Mao..He stinks..now I know it was cuz of him not taking bath.

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  23. No bath. :-O
    NO BATH! Stinkkkk!!! God. I can't pass a day without bathing. Not more than 24 hours. I would be disowned by my parents if i go around without bathing even for 2 days. Sigh. And yes you be naughty. ;) btw there's no harm in still having crush on johnny, his stink won't reach you from distance right? ;)

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  24. I also hate taking baths but I have a limit..48 hrs.. :P..

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  25. Lol... This was a full on fun read... It made me smile all throughout... :)
    And about Johny Depp... Why man why...

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  26. Infotaining post! ;) Really funny. But, Jhonny Depp? Really?!! :( I suppose it is like this Pirates avtaar but a little too literally. :P

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  27. Alka...Not bathing in humid Mumbai requires a lot of will power.

    Sorcerer...And that combined with his ideologies - explosive!

    Deepika...Now I can't get his Jack Sparrow image out of my mind :P

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  28. Ana-treek...LOL, interesting.

    Tanishka...Egggjactly...

    Carpe Diem...Apparently he relates to this character the most.

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  29. purba - not rprimanding, just expressing my 1st reaction after reading your post. no offence please.
    just an honest opinion, not a studied one.

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  30. The Deo industry will definitely rope you in and guess what Save water, dont bathe, use Deo.

    Btw Purba I like the sarcastic humour you have in your posts

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  31. *sob sob* you can't do this to me. Can't say bye to Lush this easily.

    Also, you burst my bubble about men who smell good. *ping* just like that!

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  32. magiceye...Hey and I appreciate it.

    Shahid...I'm not a big fan of deos.

    Priyanka...And the list keeps getting longer...Brad Pitt, Amir Khan...

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  33. No way!!! Amir Khan?!! No, no, no, you shouldn't have said it!! :'( ::sobs in denial::

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  34. You know what? You are a genius! People are confessing that they don't bath on ur blog :)It's a very difficult thing to get out of people's mouth. I have a plenty of friends like that. And the worst part is they use the strongest possible perfume - attar types, and sometimes it will make u think that the stinking body odour is better than those extra strong perfumes..eeeyuk

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  35. Carpe Diem...Oh dear you like him so much? How about Prateik Babbar , he holds a lot more promise :))

    Anto...Hahaha - the stinky confession corner.
    And exactly as if BO was not enough, do you really have to assault our olfactory senses with heavy, cloying fragrances.

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  36. reminded me of a colleague, he wore the most expensive brands but hardly took a bath...

    we had to ban his entry in to the office...

    its called the 'eewww effect'

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  37. hmmm I am not saying anything lest people come to know ...

    but now i have a bath TWICE a day ok ok stop assuming I dont stink :)
    its because of my work i can hear you say blah blah to me ..

    Bikram's

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  38. Hahahah don't tell me TOI Life&Style section had articles on this 'no bathing' philosophy. Gosh I think I just lost all my fangirlish respect for Johnny Depp! :(

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  39. Delhizen...Hehehe...I hope the eww effect worked and he cleaned up his act.


    Bikram...This has now become a confession corner. Come on, out with your dirty secrets :P

    Samadrita...I don't need to read TOI"S lifestyle section to come up with a no bathing flawsophy :)

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  40. If Prateik Babbar is being mentioned in the same league as Jhonny Depp and Aamir Khan, I'm glad that I haven't developed too strong feelings for him yet. :P As for liking Aamir Khan, blame it on the hormones that go crazy over men who age well - Richard Gere, George Clooney etc. :P

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  41. Haha,
    Thats funny , but true as well ..Jonny Deep ..poor Guy ..you need to bath daily ..You know otherwise Vanessa may think otherwise too ;)

    Though in winters I too get choosy with bathing..at times..depends on mood swings.

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  42. Idon't know where you get these inspirational topics. Done full justice to water and it's preservation. Real happening:A lady was fed up of her husband's cleanliness maniacism's in Dubai. he used to bathe 8 times a day and very particular in his efforts. they had fights on it daily. Then one day this guy stopped bathing altogether.
    Lady filed a divorce suit and got the divorce. on ground of non bathing.

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  43. I can relate this post to my brother who often find excuses to avoid taking bath in winters.I am still smiling while writing the comment.

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  44. Carpe Diem...Et tu? Don't we all love them :)

    Vivek...Baah..men and their mood swings.

    Pratibha....Make him read this post :)

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  45. et tu, Depp n Assange? Wow, cool read....hilarious n loved the research u put in... maybe we shud listen 2 our what our forefathers were tryin 2 tell us...great read ;)

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  46. Aww..come on..Johnny Depp?! Really?! Another one bites the dust...sigh!

    Btw, there is a person in our office who is much respected for his intellect and much reviled for his personal hygiene habits. He also avoids baths I hear..his theory is that water rots the body like it rots other objects like ropes in a well etc.!!!

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  47. Raj - Forefathers as in the cave men?

    Supernova...The excuses people come up with to justify their non-actions.

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  48. If you go long enough without a bath, even the fleas will leave you alone. hahaha v v v v v v v nice post :D

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  49. Some one has really miffed you with their non bathing ways, Purba. Is it? Body odour, in India especially, is clubbed under the 'Chalta Hai' attitude. Thankfully we will in the civilian world and apply bucketful of deodorants every day. Bathe or no bath... I'm happy at least the office goers around me dont smell rat

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  50. Geeta... Love the logic :D

    Mayur...Perhaps they do smell a rat but prefer keeping quiet about it. And Deos only make it worse!
    Like Pals' colleague who has the unflattering title of "The eww effect" :)

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  51. This is not fair.. how about those extra-ordinary folks who leave out the methane which can be used for generating some energy (fire) ;)

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  52. You have so blatantly ridiculed the no bathe philosophy that many used to uphold so dearly. :D

    Insanely awesome post!

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  53. "Bathing is so proletariat, my animal magnetism is enough to make people swoon" :)

    I really enjoy reading the advice you give, its so damn practical, apart from being absolutely stomach-wrenchingly hilarious :) Like how to dump your girl friend...this is so doable :)

    And I am very keen to know about your inspiration for this piece!

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  54. Mohan...We didn't start the fire~~ It was always burning since the world was turning :)

    Ankur...Et tu? How many guys actually bathe!! Please, please I need to know.

    Siddhartha...If tell you, it was a piece I read about Mao that triggered off thoughts for this post, would you believe me?
    And I have a few friends who almost make it sound like a virtue - have pity on your women.

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  55. Yes this a good solution to the global water problem..lol

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