Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Oh no, not another post on Love.....

Courtesy - Google image

February is the month of love. Hallmark says so and so do all the jewellery brands. In fact I can almost hear them chanting in unison “If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it woho o o o o”. If only they could all groove like Beyonce! Anything that you purchase this month is for the sake of love and it better be expensive or else... Blogosphere is resonating with the sweet notes of love, believe me I know. After reading 55 (and still counting) paeans on love my heart is all gooey and mush. In preparation for Valentine’s Day I have been wearing nothing but red. Red tees, track-pants, socks, pullovers, so much so that my neighbours have been avoiding me. Whatever happened to the spirit of love!

It’s strange when you are younger you can’t wait to fall in love and as you get older you start nodding your head to Tina Turner’s “What’s love but a second hand emotion”! My daughter is at an age when she is waiting to fall in love. She is pretty, loves her books and cracks jokes that no one gets. Unfortunately for her, guys her age are in no hurry to grow up, they are mostly EQ challenged and lost in the world of Arsenal, PSP’s and gadgets. They are just too busy to comprehend the complexities of love.

Yes love is complex, but why burst the bubble for her? Why tell her that not all cute boys are nice, that the football star may end up breaking her heart and that she’s better off with the nerdy guy, who is sensitive, dependable but oh-so-boring. Let her figure out love and life.

A few years back when she joined FB and put her status as ‘in a relationship’, my brother freaked out. He shot off a dripping-with-sarcasm note to me. Sarcasm runs in our family, when we get together we all try to kill each other with words and sometimes we almost succeed.

Kids nowadays are in an extreme hurry to grow up, grown-ups in no hurry to grow old and the old pretend that they are still young. Happiness as they say never lies in the present; it dwells in the past or the future. The path to happiness will not be an easy one for Tee (my daughter). All I can tell her, be patient my love.

As a young girl I never fell in love, true I had quite a few crushes but they would get crushed the moment the guy opened his mouth. I was too picky for my own good. But it’s a nice feeling; it adds sheen to all things mundane. Your eyes constantly seek out the object of your affection, even half a smile your way and your day is made. Ahh the travails of a trembling heart. When I did fall in love, it was with a man god custom made for me.

But tell me, when do you know its love? Especially for someone who has never been in love, how does one come to know that this is not the real thing? True you are afflicted with all the symptoms that filmy heroes and heroines have been crooning into each other’s ears and for the benefit of the world at large. Your heart beats faster at the sight of him, he refuses to vacate your thoughts, you are constantly replaying the conversations in your head, all the mushy romantic songs now seem to make sense– but is this love? Or is it just the excitement of meeting a new interesting person, which will wear off in time? Is it this doubt that makes us so afraid to commit, makes us believe that yes, we can survive without love? We are scared to get hurt, scared to let go of our carefree existence. We wait and watch and let time slip through our hands.

And there is the impulsive breed that wears their hearts on their sleeve and is not afraid to fall in love at the drop of a hat. If I don’t embark on this tricky path of love lined with its dizzying ups and downs, how will I find the one?

It’s interesting to note how a man’s perspective on love differs from a woman. The man doesn’t take much time to make up his mind; he showers you with attention, lust and tantalizing possibilities. But emotionally he likes skimming the surface, afraid to take the plunge. The woman takes the longest time to make up her mind, will test the water gingerly and needs to be convinced that the man is worth the emotional turmoil. And when she finally does, there’s no looking back for her. She is in the relationship with her heart and soul, ready to renounce the world for the man she loves. Of course, I cannot generalise, I have seen women who are uncaring, insensitive and trample all over the man they claim to love. Love cannot be oversimplified; it has diverse manifestations and interpretations. We all think and feel differently.

I am not claiming to be a new age love guru even though I quite fancy myself as Maa Purba giving whacky advice to the lovesick and driving them insane. I may not have anything new to add to this age old emotion so deep, that it has the ability to transform and is your biggest weakness and strength.

All I can say is - love may be the most selfish emotion that allows no respite until fulfilled by those who share it. It maybe all-consuming, self-gratifying, expect loyalty and can be stifling. Yet it adds meaning to your life, it defines you and makes you feel alive. You are never too old, too young, too tired, too busy or not beautiful enough to love. Don’t let anyone convince you into believing otherwise. If you are open to this most beautiful emotion in the world, it will find you no matter what.

And before I sign off let me ask you a pertinent question – If you love a woman, is it wrong to love another.   If you shut yourself off from loving someone else, are you being hypocritical? Think about it and this shall be fodder for another post.

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  1. Hmmm...not mushy...I liked that. Else I was ready with a gun in my hand.
    Let me define is an emotion that.....ahhhh....ummmmm....hmmmm...ok I will brood over it and get back to you on this one. All that head scratching has left a big pile of dandruff on the floor and my head lighter by a kilo.

    I liked the the last question. No its not wrong. :P
    Love All (you see that behind many cars in Delhi)

    P.S. Sarcasm in the family hmm...Are you sure we do not share a common ancestor. Maybe a great great great great great great grandfather or something

  2. Come February and all you see across blogosphere is hearts and mush! But ur post thankfully came as a waft of fresh air. And interestingly, on your post for valentine's day, there is no mention of your husband! ;) :P

  3. LOL,
    I have had a few crushes, and they were crushed the moment the girls opened their mouths. :P

    Sarcasm runs in your bloodline, maybe true. I mean, about you I am quite confident, but others, are they as good as you?

    In this race while everyone wants to grow young-old-older, I just want to rewind... Grow up, yet not grow old.

    I am leaving the analysis of that love part for those who are in a hurry to get in it, or are already in.
    The last question, it's good to be loyal to one, but then our ol' kings always had many wives and one chief wife, patraani. Plus, mostly all animals have polygamist societies.
    I think there has been a research in this field too..I'll check and tell.

    Blasphemous Aesthete

  4. wonderful dissertation on love!

    in answer to your question well,
    love is a many splendoured thing - hope i got the phrase right :)
    and as you say it deserves another post!

    love happens

  5. And it's funny that we choose to comment or be a critic of love posts and yet choose to write on 'love' topic nevertheless.
    Should we be counting it as your 56'th post reading on love? :P

  6. I will never tell anyone how I fall in love almost every other day :-x

  7. When do you know its love? Hmm... interesting question..
    Well for me it was the moment i realised that, the thought of "there might still be some guy better/right for me than him" had completely vanished from my head. The moment i realised i was least bothered about searching further, i realised he was the one..
    I know it happens the other way around in most cases :P

    And in answer to your question. I wont say if its right or wrong but, you just cant justify being 'true' to either person.

    Not hypocritical. Just afraid of getting hurt and dealing with the mess i guess :)
    Everything is a package deal!

  8. Interesting ...very knowledgeable for adolescent like me (:

    "Maa Purba" Rofl :P

  9. Snow leopard.. Yea my great grandad was a leopard :P And what's with the dandruff, did you really have to give me the gory details?

    S...I did mention him, it's for you to decode.

    Blasphemous...Ahh how I could I resist giving my gyaan on love. And by now it must be the 156th post! Did someone just die of mush?

    magiceye...Yes and I'm looking forward to your views.

  10. Love has its ups and downs...the memories always stay vivid though the intensity decreases with time. Love is different from relationship , as the latter lasts a life time, right through your twilight years. But everyone should experience the beauty of love in youth. Its an emotion to be cherished. Long live Love!

  11. Giribala....So little time, so many to love :D

    Chandana...I loved how you interpreted "when do you know it's love" query. But the question is, if you do stop looking, how long does it last? Is it the end or the beginning?


  12. Pratul...Please don't come to me looking for gyaan.

    Abha...Beautifully put. Love brings out the philosopher, the poet in us.

  13. February bring it out i guess..

    Love is something that happenes u cant force it .. and majority of the time you get hurt when you do that ..

    but hey still its gooood , I dont know why the new generation it rushing to wards it so fast.. i guess the modern day and age.. everything is happening too fast ..

    anyway All the best to them :)


  14. Interesting as usual.
    You remind me of Jug Suraiya !

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  16. Oh god.... there are so many so many love giurus around here! anyway I did my part early so u guys have to take up the 'Oh not again' tag!
    Anyways a great post from someone who- has -been -there -done -it- all

  17. hmm.. end of the search and the beginning of something beautiful?
    Sounds cheesy i know....

    Why can't you search for happiness or whatever it is that you want together ?
    I dont see a reason why an independent search has to go on once you have already found a perfect someone :)

  18. If you love a woman, is it wrong to love another...Wrong?? I guess it would be taxing more than wrong... Hats off to the guys who can handle more than one woman..;)

    just kidding.. no one shuts off from loving another one, it just that priority changes and you can easily divert yourself away from distractions..

  19. Nice read.hitting the stands on time.not trying to share gyan but “Love” whether is from one's parents or friends or spouse or child or even the affection by your very fulfilling and i guess a psycological field of positive energy around it for those who imparts and for those who receives. talking about man and woman as you have wondered in your lastline if i am not wrong ask someone who have felt ,experienced but fate takes a wrong turn later and if the person experience it again knowingly or unknowingly with another person i dont think theres nothing line a fren of mine (infact she) loves to say“I may be married but not dead”...haha

  20. I think this post reminded me that my mind is that of benjamin button...when i was a kid I was very patient and quiet and mature kinds and as time has passed I have become more of a child....I dunno if i was born with arthritis...need to check with mom....
    btw Ma Purba please give me tips to have a valentine this doesnt matter if she ditches me on 15th...:-)

  21. It's amazing to see the ease by which you have traversed such a complex topic...your generalizations are quite accurate and I could only smile and nod in agreement. Loved it.

  22. i agree with Blasphemous, there is a study that humans like other animals can be polygamous!.
    I personally believe that have a commited relation but there is no harm in looking at good looking guys :). Its like visiting museum :)

    I remember one of my Portuguese collegue who had written about me in some game as "unfortunately married" :)

    Happy Valentines day! :)

  23. Bikramjeet...Even 12 year olds think they are grown-up. Guess it's evolution.

    tweedlethumb...Oh thank you, will take it as a compliment.

    Jon.... I was so dying to write this "from someone who's been there and done that" but refrained :)

  24. Chandana...Not cheesy at all. Will just reiterate what I said "Love cannot be oversimplified; it has diverse manifestations and interpretations. We all think and feel differently"

    Sachin....Yes, but why should our priorities change. As we age we become skeptical.

    RK...Love is fulfilling and fills you with a sense of well being. And yes love has many manifestations.

    Shahid...You will be asking for tips at your risk and free of charge of course.

  25. Ashish...It was so tough writing this piece, I almost gave up. And I still think I haven't done justice to this topic.

    Bhawna...Hey I check out guys all the time and now I have my daughter for company :P

    mepretentious...Visit what, didn't find anything.

  26. I look forward to your next post already, even I have given lots of thoughts to these matters!

    I would dare not say anything about love, its certainly a rather dynamic word, with constantly changing meaning and associated emotions. But I can completely agree with you, that its something absolutely worth experiencing, despite the heart-ache that almost invariably comes with it!

    p.s. you should see the ads on your blog right now, all so love filled and ready to help you find your right partner! lol :)

  27. This one surely isn't just another love post. Interestingly initially prejudiced this post and later ended up reading the whole, Maa Purba :P

  28. Very interesting post Maa purba... I think you should seriously consider the idea of being a love guru...

    As far as Tee is concerned, yes she will have to discover what love is for her self... We all have to do it for ourselves... :)

  29. I like the timing of this post. Still in February, so it carries it's significance, but not too close to the 14th, when it would become yet-another-Indiblogger-contest-post :D

    I remember how my sister made me make a card for my crush, which I dropped into her bag on the 14th. In class four. All that came out of it was a confrontation by a pack of giggly girls and me in one corner.

    I hate my sister ever since.

  30. true I had quite a few crushes but they would get crushed the moment the guy opened his mouth - Same thing happened with me too. :D
    In fact at one point of time I thought this 'soulmate' thing was utter bullshit. But now I feel it's not.
    It's better to be single till you find the right person. I'm sure Trisha will find someone like that too.

  31. Siddhartha...I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to say. It's a tricky and explosive debate

    Even the ads on my blog are love stoned :P

    Prateek...Prejudiced why?

    Tanishka...She's free to make her mistakes, how else will she learn.

  32. Karthikay...LOL...but you made a card? Maha impressed.

    Sam...Is it really? I think you should let go, now is the age.

  33. I guess u r better than Jug...this post proves it.
    And I am stuck with a custom made man too...Thank my father for selecting him. We are blessed.

    It breaks my heart when our bacchas go thru heartbreaks. Yet, all part of growing up..

  34. Only I know how many silent prayers I have said,,” Oh god please don’t let him open his mouth”, because every time it broke my heart when I heard them speak….just proved the content may not be as good as the packaging ;)

    and how many times I liked him but he liked my best friend who in turn had a crush on someone else :) :).. those teen days and crushes in college

    As for the ques you raised why only men, it can and does happen to woman too… all I say is there are certain points in life which I define as ‘point of no return’ and love is one of them. From that moment (point) onward you only look forward….

  35. 'making sense of it all'.....maateyy!
    nice reading :)

  36. Alka...Thanks a ton, but I hate it when he gets serious. Sounds so drab.
    Yupp...heartbreaks are part of growing up and make you the person you are.

    Delhizen....LOL @ content may not be as good as packaging. Can so picture you squirming.

    Sadiya...Hey Bhagwan, mainey is din key tujhey pal-pos kar itna bada kiya tha :P

  37. I thought love was a selfless thing till i read the and selfish? mmmm..
    need to think, having had no experience in selfish love..

  38. Love is too complex for those who try to understand but music for those who feel it.Love is something that flows and can never be forced.Love is this and that whatever but loved the way you expressed it effortlessly.

  39. Purba - very well written.. and nice food for thought.. :)

    I have found that love the way we experience it is mostly superficial. Even women who take time to "take the plunge", often take the plunge for the "wrong reasons"... and later realize so :)

    Unrequited love - which still persists beyond all hope - to me is closer to true love. At least as per my experience.

    I think your last question could have been for either sex.. can a woman love multiple men - or multiple people (man and woman.. LOL)... depending on what you call "love"... whether it is just mind-based or has physical manifestation as well.

    Looking back at your article what emerges interestingly is that Women as per you "Love" men for their "entertainment value" (sense of humor, interesting, intellectually stimulating etc).. but what may work better (you surmise I think) is that "Utility value" is a more durable indicator of a "Useful lover".. :)

    Men, of course, go for only one "Lust value".. once that is taken care of, they don't care much.

    I am not sure if the take for women's reasons for love is particularly flattering.. and the one on men is really correct. :)

  40. I almost didn't read this post and was constantly afraid that I would not like what I will read. But, phew! :P

    Oh, and I hate February. :/

  41. The word Love helped me in prejudicing it. :-P

  42. hey..a great post again...well I guess you can love other woman but what matters is, who the other woman is? I hope u got what I mean.

  43. Nice post again.I remember when I was in school,my dad freaked out,when I told him one of my friend was in love with a boy..I got an hour long lecture on love.Valentines day spoiled the campus love,too commercialized for my tastes :p..I hope he gets me atleast roses

  44. That was a good intro to your Maa Purba days, I guess. Till Archies came along to popularise Valentines Day, we poor mortals relied on showing it by mundane things like pulling the covers over a sleeping child on a chilly night or keeping the food warmed for the husband when he came home at all hours tired...

    Still it feels nice to have emotions articulated and expressed. Look at how the younger one has dedicated a post for me :)

  45. menon...Love always expects to be reciprocated otherwise it fizzles out and you move on.

    Pratibha....It was far from effortless, believe me I know.

    Desh...You have figured out women correctly and should I add I'm pleasantly surprised. Women would like to fall in love with a man with "utility value" but it doesn't always happen that way. Then end up falling for a man all wrong for them :)

    The heart follows no rhyme, no reason.

  46. Carpe Diem...Why sweetheart? Yes 14th is now more a shameless marketing ploy. It looks tacky and you want to throw up every time you see red - but I feel occasions such as these jolt us out of the daily rut of our lives and celebrate this beautiful emotion.

    Prateek...Prejudiced against love? hmm


    Blue Lotus...Guys are so lacking when it comes to expressing. And then you discover your friend's boyfriend has composed a song for her, taken her out on a candle light dinner...Yeesh.

    Zephyr...Oh I have yet to read Vineet's post dedicated to you.

  47. gooood and loong.
    at times having ur uncles and aunties in FB can be a PAIN

  48. nice read

    isn't feb the transition phase in many ways ...for love weather season ..all in 1 combo pack to give us one thing i.e a change in us ...but that change is variable and bi directional.

  49. a very mature take on the whole thing ...

    i do not have anything clever/sarcasm to add :)

  50. Wow.

    This post can actually alter a perspective!
    Being as old I am, I still am discovering possibilities, tunnels and the light and its funny to age this way... I call it aging at 20 because I have seen far too much for my age !

    Its wonderful to read the thoughts you have so carefully portrayed.

    Loved the read.

    Finally, a neutral Valentine's day post!

  51. Karthik...:))

    Vivek...Transition and reaffirmation of their love.

    flawsophy...For once I left you tongue tied :P

    Enchanta....Age has taught me one thing, never be judgmental. And as long as your emotions are genuine, I see no harm in expressing it. If it's a pink teddy with a red blinking heart that helps you express it- so be it.

  52. Good post Maa Purba...articulates some of the fuzzy aspects of love that we have in our minds.
    I especially agree with the different ways in which men and women approach love.
    And yes, that feeling of having a crush used to give one such a high... Sigh! I miss those happy times when rosy daydreams would carry me through a rough day. As I grow older and the more men I meet, it gets more difficult to harbour any romantic illusions about them. Reality bites.

  53. Love is so complicated, at least to me. I shall never understand it. :-/

  54. Magnificent!

    If you have time, listen to the song 'Yun Hi' from Tanu weds Manu - Mohit Chauhan's attempt at a ghazal. (unrelated sentence)

  55. Supernova...As you grow older you look for meaning, deeper emotions. It is a constant search.

    Nethra....We all interpret it differently.

    Mayur...Sure will.

  56. Well You might be Surprised to see commenting on this 'old' post. But Unlucky me,Was unaware of Blogging world during those days.

    Read this post.Well crafted,it grabbed my eyeballs mid-way till the last period.

    "Yes,it's wrong to love another man/woman until the bond of trust and loyalty hold strong."

    But when the bond is brutally butchered and Being nurtured in Indian values she/he can't get out ..Why? How could she/he..? from her/his head.

    And By the Time she/he find peace in Normalcy a mature tag belittle her/his desire to 'fall' again.

  57. Ohh simply loved the way you have put this complex emotion into words, explaining almost everything about it (as much as I know about it). The urge to fall in love in the teenage, fancying the most perfect mate to appear from somewhere, getting so selfish in love at times, settling down with not-so-perfect person in life and finding all bliss with him, and then realizing that love can be the biggest weakness and even the biggest strength. I must say it's magical and you could capture it in words, that's simply amazing.

  58. Loved reading your post, Will definetly subcribe in as a reader

  59. In answer to your last question, for me it is wrong to love another. For if you really loved that person, you wouldn't have fallen for the other person. Love is not selfish because it's a gift from God. Real true love and selfish cannot belong together and they did never belong to each other. Selfish love can be only when you love yourself so much that you don't want to share. Selfish love is not love at all to me.

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