Thursday, March 3, 2011

Will-Kat need me....


The last few days I have been hovering around our letter-box.  Every time I pass it by, I look at it longingly, peep inside anxiously.  My tiny mail-box is tired of me.  Can you please leave me in peace, even I need my privacy!

Our building’s security guard has been eyeing me suspiciously.  Madamjee ka lagtaa hai finally dimaag kharaab ho gaya hai.  Waise bhi saraa din kuch na kuch likhti rahti hai.  Sahab bhi pareshaan hai. 
Courtesy -ohgossip.com

What he doesn’t know is, ever since I read in the papers that Will-Kat have posted invites (1900 to be precise) for their hotly anticipated royal wedding – I have been getting anxiety pangs.

My guest authors on A-musing have led me to believe that I am a celebrity blogger. Some even went to the extent of imagining an entire interview with me.  All this gushing has turned me to mush. My head has been looking a little swollen lately. 

But now I am plagued with self-doubt.  I am neither royalty, far from diplomatic - in fact I am too common for comfort.   What if I don’t get invited at all – what do I tell my million fans.  I am answerable to them, after all.  Weren’t they looking forward to my spicy coverage of this Royal event!  Who wore what?  Did Elton John come wearing a gown?  What is the secret behind Victoria Beckham’s pout?  How will the world come to know if I am not around!  Will-Kat need me, yes I believe they need me more than I need them.



The husband is convinced that I am getting the invite and is insisting I shouldn’t waste time downstairs.  Dahhling knowing Britain’s love for all things archaic, the invite will be coming through registered post.  This has sent my blood pressure soaring.

The post office guy who delivers our post on his rickety cycle makes Pratibha Patil look like a spring chicken.  When he walks, you can hear his bones creaking, his bifocals fogged out from his laboured breath.   What if he can’t read the address right?  What if he forgets that he is a postman? What if he never wakes up at all!!  I have promptly gifted him a jar of Chawanprash which now comes in Mango and Orange flavours.  He at least smiles a lot these days, especially at me.  Chalo at least my royal invite will be delivered safely to me. 

The Will-Kat love story had an interesting start.  Almost nine years back, William saw Kate Middleton in knitted dress that left little to the imagination.  It was lust at first sight for him at the St Andrew’s University charity fashion show.  Charity was the last thing in his mind. 

Since the invite is of paramount importance to me, I am planning to design an adivaasi style ensemble to reignite their passion. And since I am a confirmed feminist I think I’ll design it for Prince William instead.  It will be airy and very environment friendly.  Kate will love it.

Or I can endear myself to Prince Charles.  His love for the Mumbai dabba-wallahs is well known.  Commissioning Subodh Gupta to do a steel-dabba installation will be too expensive a proposition.  Why not pose as a dabbe-walli instead and mail him my new book – History in a dabba.  Nutshell is now too small for history.

I have heard the Queen is on FB now, why don’t I try to befriend her instead!  Hey hot chica, love those dentures!!

Now that should work. 

And if all fails I can always reach out for my broomstick.  No, I haven’t learnt to fly on it, at least not yet.  Since most janitors from Heathrow to Hyde Park are Indians, I can easily get a cleaning lady’s job and insist on my preference for Westminster Abbey – the venue of the Royal Wedding.  If a DIG can clean the Chief Minister’s sandals and the President of our country can scour utensils to earn madam’s approval, what’s a broomstick for the sake of my fans?

This is Purba Ray reporting live........



66 comments:

  1. am sure you will get the royal invite. on your way back and passing thru the duty frees....please please remember poor fans who prayed for u

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  2. ROFL!!! Purbha....so funny, wish i could accompany you to the wedding, btw, i forgot to tell you-am an ace photographer, who can never get a shot right:P You need a good photographer to take pics of you with the Royal couple, right? So, deal?:P

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  3. You are so considerate of us i.e., your fans. *snobs yet smiling*. :P

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  4. love your imagination!
    really hope it happens!!!

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  5. Amusing = Amazing = Purba!!!

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  6. Love those dentures...ha, ha. Absolutely amazing.
    We have a new breed of royalty of our own, where helicopters are gifted ans tika is done with 2 crores... I bet even Williams cant match that.

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  7. RK...Duty free is so passe, will get some royal cutlery for you.

    cloud nine ...Done, we"ll go as a team. You"ll mop, I"ll sweep :p

    Nethra ...Sobbing smile? Upload a pic please?

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  8. Better still you can pose as spy working for MI6 specially assigned to cover this wedding...

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  9. magiceye...Hope they read this post ;)

    Anto...Hahahah

    Alka...Have money, will show off.

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  10. I guess I was doing them alternatively. The difference in time was so less that I thought I was doing both at a time. :P

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  11. I wonder how will you react if someone says to you, "Oh Purba I recenty got a invitation on my mailbox saying Will-Cats Invitation. Pata nahin kya tha? I threw them." :-P

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  12. Perception...Ohh that sounds hot! And all those cool gadgets.

    Nethra...:D

    Prateek....Nahiiiiin!

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  13. Lolz. I want to experience that. :)

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  14. Keep us updated plz plz plz hehe

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  15. Talha...The wedding or the cleaning experience?

    Asma....It will be fun imagining an entire wedding.

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  16. HEy that sound great.. I guess I will see you at the wedding then .. For i am sure to be invited and it would be nice bumping into you Madame ji .. what say .. make sure aap mujhe pehchan len wahan pe ..

    and while you are at it I got a few things that i need from india will email you the list shortly .. KRIPYA saath le ke aiyega :)
    he he he he he

    Bikram's

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  17. See, you are invited or not. not my concern. afterall I dont decide what sort of PR royalty needs.

    But

    I want to read the entire wedding account Purba-ily and thats the only way am going to *look* into the wedding

    *sarts crying* *rolling on floor and kicking in air*

    ): please

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  18. "If a DIG can clean the Chief Minister’s sandals and the President of our country can scour utensils to earn madam’s approval, what’s a broomstick for the sake of my fans? "
    liked the satire and humour there.
    a nice read in all,and about the invite i leave it to you to devise plans in how to secure it :D

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  19. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  20. For a moment I thought you were talking of Katrina Kaif.

    Oh well, not a problem. It's not such a bad downgrade!

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  21. It would surely be a shame if you are not around to report live all the happenings at the royal wedding!!! I recommend we start a campaign (and include all desis in UK) to get you an invite...

    Your coverage would surely be much more interesting and innovative than any other 'usual' new coverage...Go Purba go!!!

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  22. Bikram...Sure and since I won't be getting time to shop I"ll send you my list (pssst I prefer Sainsbury's)

    mepretentious...He he... you are giving me wicked ideas

    4 those who care...I need more plans!! I need an IDEA.

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  23. Kartikay...LOL....Is Katrina getting married?

    Siddhartha...Yo! This is Purba Ray reporting live! Whatte fun!

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  24. Purba Ray, the epitome of modesty :P

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  25. I will send a recommendation letter. Baki sab to uparwale ke hath mein hai!!

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  26. I would pray, Purba, for the letter to come at God speed, and if that not be the case, then may the love for dabba walaas drive the matrimonial congregation right to Mumbai for further proceedings. At least Mumbai is nearer than UK.

    :) Nice one!

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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  27. What awesome post!! :D

    But...Umm, I have never actually seen a janitor use a broom there... :P

    Oh, and yes, I don't much care for the royal cutlery. If you can please get some JD from duty free since it's no bloody where available in here..! :/ :P

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  28. so yea we are right on interested in you reporting it. all wishes that the indian post will live upto our expectations :P

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  29. Your reporting with all the lil snippets about the royal wedding should surely get u an invite. All the best :))

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  30. Snow leopard...So she is :p

    Giribala...Ahh... so now I have to check with the upparwala as well.

    B A....Shaadi in Mumbai, with Bollywood jhatka matkaas...That will be one hell of a Royal Wedding.

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  31. Carpe Diem...JD you"ll get (Umm what is it?)
    The Janitor may not be using a broom , but my look will be incomplete without it :p

    P@ul@mi....Then I will get the invite, when the Royal couple is celebrating their 25th anniversary (hopefully with each other).

    Abha...Thank you for your wishes.

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  32. Jack Daniels whiskey. :P

    If it is all about the look, I say go for it! ;)

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  33. we all have different ways to cope with celeb-hood... you want to go to London while I want to save the planet by trying to get more attention!

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  34. Submit your blog into http://en.hamarivani.com.

    Hamarivani is an Indian Blogs Aggregator.

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  35. Carpe Diem...:))

    g2...How will your attention seeking ways save the planet?

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  36. I am absolutely thrilled at the thought of William wearing your special design..Please do not forget to click a picture..I will hang that on my bathroom door..

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  37. I thought with the broom stick you were going to do some Potter style flying...

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  38. Hahaha... now that you're getting invited, can you take me along too? They need me to give them the royal "awwww" at the right moments..

    Not bad for a career option. Business awww-xecutive!

    - Pzes

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  39. If you get an invite, do take me along please please! I am much too curious about William's steadily balding scalp and want to verify for myself.
    Hey hot chica, love those dentures!! -ROFL.

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  40. Blue Lotus...I would, if I could. I wouldn't have to spend on air tickets!

    Pzes...You deserve a Nobel for the "business aww-xecutive" idea!

    Samadrita....I knowww...he's still young and so good looking!
    Please don't try this line on any elderly Maaashi.

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  41. sainsbury's but WHY.. its a grocery store .. what do you want from there .. ok DEAL fine by me anything from that store you want email and WAIT for my EMAIL ha ha ha haha :)

    Bikram's

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  42. How about posting the link on all social network sites? If nothing, at least the Royal family will be intrigued enough to send you the invite. After all, you can't disappoint your million and one fans, can you? :D :D

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  43. interesting post ..:D sure you'll get the invitation:P

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  44. Thanks for that pickup line for royalty... and did they really make chavanprash in mango flavor?

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  45. Bikram...Clothes I can buy here! And please send your list through registered post :p

    Zephyr...What an idea Madam G

    Geeta...Why? you have contacts?

    Harish...Of course they do. Chawanprash is now yummier :D

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  46. Come on, Purba Ray can trounce all over many a Royality! As for them, they are vainly trying to rekindle the fairytale wedding of Diana and Charles.

    Absolutely loved the post.

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  47. the best part was "It was lust at first sight for him at the St Andrew’s University charity fashion show." Charity was the last thing in his mind. and not to forget this "It will be airy and very environment friendly. Kate will love it."
    Truly HOWLarious!!!!!!!!!!!! the love turned into lust and hill turned to howl... amazing play of words!!

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  48. psst, your adsense ads says Royal wedding Souvenirs. May you get thousands clicks so that you can hear the Big Ben toll. It is comment and not a story so shall write the last words; May NOT the separation lawyers live happily ever after.

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  49. U.S....But their wedding is generating a lot of interest. And glad you liked.

    Shazia...He he ...it's only words, words are all I have.....

    Showa...Really? All I see discount schemes, damn!!

    True, may they live happily after (with or without the spouse)

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  50. interesting
    lets hope invited

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  51. It was a-musing as always...my fav line "I can easily get a cleaning lady’s job and insist on my preference for Westminster Abbey " LOL..awesome dear..way to go

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  52. We'll pray you get the invite but you make sure we get to know all the details and some amazing gifts too :D

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  53. sm ...:))

    surabhi...Ha...muchos thanks

    Tanishka...Arre! all of you have an ulterior motive - Purba will shop for us! Hurrrmmmpp

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  54. I am first time to your blog. It is a really nice reading experience. All the best.

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  55. sorry to break the news a little late ... but I already got the invite ... and since there is only one parking spot for a broom ... i already took it ...

    well ... better luck next time ... good luck with the whole celeb- blog-thingy stuff !!! :P

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  56. you had my blood pressure soaring...i think our fb chat is enough for u to know what i think about it

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  57. Thank a ton Anu

    flawsophy...How could you do this to me! You knew how important this invite was for me. You betrayed my trust. I"ll never be able to trust again or even look at a broom (sobs)

    shahid...Please don't forget what you promised and convey my love to Will.

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  58. ha ha ha. loved the post... Loved the part "Madamjee ka lagtaa hai finally dimaag kharaab ho gaya hai. Waise bhi saraa din kuch na kuch likhti rahti hai. Sahab bhi pareshaan hai.", the post man, FB friend request .... Amazing!

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  59. And yes, am praying you get your invite asap...

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  60. I know even if you are invited you will reject the invitation in front of full media and enjoy the limelight of that even. and when prince william and kat only come to say sorry for your allegations then only you will go in a special chartered plane sent in for you only.

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  61. I thought Kat stood for Katrina Kaif..well atleast for us Indians..Hope she doesnt mind the insult

    Prince Charles have this penchancy to divorce his current and marry the new beautiful girl whenever he sees one. So I think ur hubby must have hid away or burnt the invitation!

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  62. sapna...Pray hard :)

    pramod...You almost make me sound like Mayawati!! Loved it.

    Jon...Is Camilla Parker the beautiful one? Don't think so.

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  63. @Purba - I have no words madam G, you and your wicked sense. While i do hope all your fans prayers metamorph into an invite for sure, even if it doesn't I know the coverage of wedding will still be awesome entertaining.
    So loved "history in dabba - Nutshell is now too small for history"

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  64. Keep writing like this Purba. you will surely get the invite. You dont need to do anything else.

    oh 'charity was last thing on will's mind' bit was too good. haha..indeed it was last thing on his mind.

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  65. Mayank...In a dabba and neatly compartmentalized :))

    Always Happy...Have you seen that dress? No man can think straight if a woman walks around wearing that!

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    ReplyDelete

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