Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Big Fat Indian Wedding Threatens To Slim Down

Weddings to turn into frugal affairs. Restrictions on number of dishes served, limiting guest list among Proposals.
24 September 2022

Today is a momentous day.  Tee has finally found THE ONE.  Phew! I was so sick and tired of her string of loser boyfriends.  No taste, no class and the worst part, they didn’t even read my blog. Poor sods they didn’t know what they were missing.  I still haven’t met her chosen one but I like him already!  He has read my book “An Idiot’s guide to Sarcasm” and even gifted it to all his ex girlfriends – how sweet naa! 

I am so thrilled that my Tee has finally managed to get hitched.  I had to pinch myself several times, just to make sure it wasn’t one of my silly dreams.   Better fix the date and get her married off quickly, before she changes her mind.  God knows how badly I need her room for my Pranayam-in-a-hammock sessions.   It’s a lot fun, you just have to lie in hammock and quiver your stomach violently.  Ten years back, in 2011, my Yoga sir used to have a hard time teaching me complex postures that entailed resting my right ankle gently under my left ear.  A fellow blogger and well wisher, as he fervently claims, then introduced me to a Jana Yoga version that Baba Ramdev had just introduced at an election rally, and I have not looked back since.   

2011 was indeed a dark year not just for me but the entire nation.  The National Advisory Committee made a proposal to the food and consumer affairs ministry that weddings be made frugal affairs, by limiting the number of guests and dishes served.  The suggestion that mehndis, sangeet, cocktail parties and receptions be crunched into one was met with a national uproar.  The designer fraternity wrote an emotional appeal to the textile ministry pleading that their livelihood will be at stake.  Where and when will the well-heeled wear our stone-studded, multi coloured, super expensive creations! Karan Johar and Sooraj Barjatiya went into a month long mourning, vowing to make only gangster movies from now on.   Socialites shed copious tears – All the friends I carefully accumulated over years, what will I do with them?  A wedding is futile, if we don’t get to show off.  What is the point of evading taxes if we can’t stun everyone with Lovely’s lavish wedding bash!  What is the reason of our existence?  All my solitaires, I can’t possibly wear them all on just one measly day.  India is no longer shining now!  Dahling let’s shift to Qatar.

JJ Vallaya and a few of his Page 3 friends even went on a hunger strike (Anna Hazare style) to protest against this draconian law.  After fasting for three full days they managed to shed so much weight that they all flew off to Cyprus to celebrate. In the meantime the government accepted all the proposals and Band, Bajaa and Baarat were never the same again. 

Sigh...How times have changed.  Behen Mayawati is our dashing young Prime Minister now.  Burqas are a rage except in France and Belgium.  Pakistan’s President has just been awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace for donating all its nukes to Afganistan.  It is rumoured that Kate Middleton has eloped with a sheikh.  Never say die, Queen Elizabeth has refused to comment and forever in waiting King, Prince William has gone into hiding in Aspen with his latest squeeze to grieve. The strange ways of these royals!  


It’s now our turn, to organize a no frills wedding for our dear Tee.   There’s so much I have to do.  According to the revised laws I can’t invite more than 200 guests.  I better start with un-friending the less desirables from my FB list.  The husband can call his old boys club sans their wives – I don’t like them anyway.  For our relatives, we can webcast the wedding and they can send her gifts online.  And of course I will give a minute to minute detail on my blog.  For the buffet we can have two options Eat or Drink – as such not many do both nowadays.  

All this thinking is giving me anxiety pangs; I better do some deep breathing to calm myself down.  What if I end up making more enemies like Amitabh Bachhan did after his son’s exclusive wedding.  To keep the dish count within the law - what if I combine a few courses into one and come up with a one of a kind dish.  Soup in salad garnished with slivers of chicken tikka anyone? Or how about roghanjosh spiked with rasmalai.  They all go down our gullet and mix up anyway, so why not make it simpler for our esteemed guests. 

All this brainstorming and coming up with such unique ideas is stressing me too much.  At this age I need to take things easy.  Wait, I have come up with another extraordinary plan that will put an end to all this unnecessary trauma.  Why have a wedding at all? No wedding ceremony, no having to bother about offending friends, no more deliberating on how little to serve the guests.  I think we’ll ask Tee to elope and we will fund her honeymoon to the newest hotspot on the block.  It’s got a lot of adventure sports like duck the sniper, kill one get one free, have Pizza with Gaddafi..... Yes, we’ll fund her trip to Libya.  What a fabulous way to start her married life.


Enhanced by Zemanta


47 comments:

  1. lol.... tee is soooo gonna flip out if n wen she reads dis.

    n i hav argued abt d 'go down your gullet n mix up anyway' theory wid my mom wen makin rotis n dey dont turn out precisely gol gol.
    but expert bollywood mumma sez zyada smart banne ki zaroorat nahi hai :o

    ReplyDelete
  2. Congrats to Tee and i am suing u for u stole my 'book title'...

    Hope Mayawati will rule india like she does UP and treat civil service officers with more dignity..

    loved the post and vision from the future..

    ReplyDelete
  3. ROFLMAO ...... seriously one your best pieces ever. But do give the book a better title. An Idiots Guide would be a cliche :P
    Why just Libya....there are many places you could send her to. In the meanwhile, if you want, I could ask my Dad and Uncles if they could provide Tee with some combat training, Rifle expertise and hand to hand combat .... just to be prepared
    And how about creating a kind of slush for the dinner party. You could put 7-8 dishes in the juicer/mixer....give it a nice whirl...and then serve it in glasses or just inject it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Always, always, always a laughter riot! :)

    Purba, its about time Tee settled down. She's found the one! Does he share your sense of humour and sarcasm? I hope he does. Also, Baba Ramdev's Budget this year has allowed you to gift Tee a swanky sports car. Thats in the list of allowed give-aways. Who would have thought the Baba would make such an efficient Finance minister? :)

    I hope to see you at Tee's wedding (hint, hint). :D

    Love,
    Pzes

    ReplyDelete
  5. Always, always, always a laughter riot! :)

    Purba, its about time Tee settled down. She's found the one! Does he share your sense of humour and sarcasm? I hope he does. Also, Baba Ramdev's Budget this year has allowed you to gift Tee a swanky sports car. Thats in the list of allowed give-aways. Who would have thought the Baba would make such an efficient Finance minister? :)

    I hope to see you at Tee's wedding (hint, hint). :D

    Love,
    Pzes

    ReplyDelete
  6. I hope my daughters get hitched after trish...so that i can take a few tips from you.
    make sure you dont unfriend me before that, ok?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ha....someone was so excited about the forthcoming wedding that she published a comment twice.
    And by the way, if Piyu and Gang are coming, could you shift the date to 26 Sep 2022. I will tell them its also my birthday bash. I will pay for the water glasses. :P

    ReplyDelete
  8. Government's devotion and insistence upon reforming marriages has successfully driven the ceremonies much closer to the funerals. The best thing is, you can claim a prize, if you can distinguish or tell the difference between the two now.

    Some things are common. Across all borders, barriers and regimes. That's exactly how they have got the "sting" and pulp out of all the wedding festivity here.

    A great blog! You rock. Seriously :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Pzes...Girl, I love your vision for the future and love the sports car even more.

    Menon...Sweetheart your daughters should be well settled by then and it's me who will be seeking your expertise.

    Prats...By 2022 you should be a business tycoon. Shouldn't you be funding the entire wedding, you Kanjoos!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sadiya...O yea, she flipped big time.
    And when my rotis don't turn turn out gol I try to eat with my eyes closed :))

    Perception...Ahh you are most welcome to write the book as long as you share the credits with me.

    Prats...You are hereby appointed chef for Tee's wedding.

    ReplyDelete
  11. ROFLcopter..I got no other words for this post. It's just that I feel Kate Middleton is not gonna run away with a sheikh since she had gone to great lengths to just get noticed by Prince William in the first place. Who would want to shun the title of a future Queen of England?
    Also congratulations in advance to Tee for her marriage in 2022. :D

    ReplyDelete
  12. formerlydelirious... We Bengalis are notorious for our love for food. Even as we mourn, we spread out a feast for our friends :)

    Samadrita...From what I have read in newspapers and magazines, it has been her life's goal. So agree when you say that such a possibility is quite unlikely. But then who can predict the future?

    Tee was upset that she will have to wait till 2011 ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Wow futuristic! I won't be able to attend the wedding due to health reasons. If you are planning to write Idiot's Guide, please note that "an Israeli research team has developed a machine algorithm that can recognize sarcasm."

    ReplyDelete
  14. Purba what do u eat before you take this flight of imagination? Zoooom!I want that too!
    I hope Tee doesn't kill you for this. I am Gurgaon...please do invite me for the marriage.I promise to read your book.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Lol... I want to have that Pizza with Gaddafi. ( One of my friends bro was a marine engineer in Libya and even had a dinner party that was attended by Gaddafi. Professionals get good respect there.)

    BTW I am waiting for the law to pass... the next day I will marry the first girl I see.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Giribala...A lot of us need technical assistance to recognize and appreciate sarcasm.

    Alka....She almost did when she read the string of loser boyfriends line :)) Heheh I will hand deliver the book to you.

    Harish...You can also try eloping and save all the expense.

    ReplyDelete
  17. ROFL!!! Purba, i wish u started blogging 10 yrs back, u could have saved a man frm me:P Superb post, wish my L too elopes...;)

    ReplyDelete
  18. LOLL! after reading this post...tee is definitely gonna plan to elope!
    and the ideas for a wedding r good ones..I ll put some of them in front of my parents too..maybe I ll have a larger budget to get at least 2 more diamond sets and plan out a few more honeymoon trips :P

    sarah

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ahhh...brilliant Mrs Ray, just brilliant. So not only am I to fund the wedding, but I also have to cook the food. Why don't you give me the decoration and cleaning duties too while you are at it.
    But thankfully I will get help from one good friend who will make Bread Pakora's for the snacks :P

    ReplyDelete
  20. will u have vodka golguppas?if not you can de-friend me.lol. tee..mum hoh toh aisah...ha ha pakistanprez got the prize for gifting nukes to afgh..purba baba again.you are inviting mr trouble again lol.good read.laughing in bangalore now ha ha ha

    ReplyDelete
  21. Eloping away with a guy sounds fun. I should talk my parents into it. I hope they agree. :P :D By the way, did the government really suggest on limiting the number of guests and dishes served?

    ReplyDelete
  22. Oh..for a minute I thought baby Ray was actually geeting married..Awesome piece..had me laughing over my morning tea.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Very interesting post,Purba. I marvel at your imagination, and ease with which you put it on paper (screen)!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hey Purba, what about people who are not there on any 'freind's' list? Do they get invited? Well, I just wanted to make sure of being there with the L&M. But make sure you name the weird concoctions as 'health drinks' so that he would gulp them down. I almost choked laughing over my cuppa.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I hope i get invited :) he he heh by the way you coming for the roayl wedding.

    lovely post :)

    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
  26. Cloud nine...Are we on the verge of forming "lets get our children to elope" club?

    Sarah...I'll say ditch the diamonds and go backpacking across Europe - much more fun than those cold rocks.

    Prats...No breadpakoras please unless you are planning to serve them to your friends.

    RK...I love Vodka shots golgappas - consider it done.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Nethra...It's a suggestion by a few council members of the National Advisory Committee. Have put the link to the article in the intro para in italics.

    Blue Lotus...Err she is still in school and that will be a nightmare come true :)

    partialview...Ohh.. thank you :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Zephyr...LOL...trying to imagine L&M gulping those imaginary healthy concoctions. How about lauki juice mocktail - does it meet your approval?

    Bikram...Nah I'm content with pics of Kate looking picture perfect pretty.

    ReplyDelete
  29. :) aah the yogini strikes back!
    i like it!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Both the articles (Times of India and yours) are hilarious.

    The "technique" to keep the dish count within the law was very funny :D

    ReplyDelete
  31. oh Ho Ho Ho!
    That makes me feel like laughing out loud like Santa Claus.

    Anyway, I've mentioned you here. Have a look please!
    http://bit.ly/eHzzHC

    ReplyDelete
  32. magiceye...Almost like the Pink Panther :p

    Ganu...:))

    Xeno...Aww thanks, though I am not sure about the "legendary" part (ahh well if you insist) :D

    ReplyDelete
  33. Ahem.

    Wait a second. You're talking about your daughter's marriage already? She's still in school right? For taking that step, I salute you!

    Best of luck for all that's going to happen next / happened already!

    On a more serious note, this is super funny. But why is this not a Jhalmuri Times post? Hmph!

    Anyways, have you read the Local Tea Party? Hilarious stuff I say: localparty.tumblr.com

    ReplyDelete
  34. Be prepared for a sound scolding from Tee!!

    Apart from that, be prepared for more! :P

    ReplyDelete
  35. Kartikay....Read it and loved it. So, were you always forced to take a backseat? :p

    Enchanta...Hehehe....I thought I had to prepare myself for less.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Aha!! So Tee has obtained green signal to elope? Cool!

    Mayawati will be our PM in 2022???
    :(.

    Kate Middleton elopes with Sheikh? We need to warn the royal family to stay away from charity shows...

    I was hoping that you would be publishing Tee's wedding invite on this page asking your readers (us) to consider it personal invite and come for the wedding. :( that's not going to happen as she has been asked to elope.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Hahahaha...you have a superb futuristic eye :) And only 200 guests??? wow...thats really tiny :)

    And I really like the idea of Roghanjosh soiked with Rasmalai...and your logic is of course flawless!

    p.s. I would like all your husband's friends wives also to read this :)

    ReplyDelete
  38. Hey Purba,
    I have been missing.. travelling around and Gosh looks like i missed your blog like my morning coffee. Your posts always amaze me.. what wild twist and turn of imaginations. Didnt know you had a daughter ready to elope :-) you dont look your age!! :-)
    also let me know about your book - would love to have it. I hope it wasnt a joke i missed.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Always Happy...If the wedding was a figment of my imagination, I can expect my readers to imagine the invite too :))

    Siddhartha...That's one of the proposals given by the NAC.

    Naah... none of them read my blog.

    Mayank....Mayank, she is still in school. And scroll up, the date reads 24 September 2022 :))

    ReplyDelete
  40. My Apologies. this is what happens when i steal out time to read your blog in office. Always a risk of missing the subtleties!! thank goodness about this clarification ... i was wondering you are ageless wonder! .. lol just kidding!

    ReplyDelete
  41. so the party begins, don't you leave me out.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Like your blog and your pictures ! def. following you now! when you get a chance by by my blog and check it out and hopefully my writing will send you sparks so you can also become one of my followers too!

    http://lifemadness-linhy.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  43. mayank...I don't mind being the ageless wonder.

    Pramod...You are most welcome to join in.

    Linhy...Thank you for following me, will definitely take a look at your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Thanks for dropping by! hope you can be one of my follower? I am def following you! =)

    ReplyDelete
  45. Read the year....2022!!!

    My daughter is still in school.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Hello Purba - your blog is just fabulous! And I've given you an award if you'd like it:
    http://absurdoldbird.wordpress.com/2011/04/30/versatile-blogger/

    :)

    ReplyDelete

Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...