Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A Note from Hell

Courtesy - toonpool.com

1 May 2011..... It wasn’t the usual Monday morning blues.  Osama had just checked into Jannat of his dreams(JOHD) with his entourage.  Pity he had to leave his begum behind.  She was far from expiry date and used to make such nice kebabs.  But what the hell... he will now get not one, but an entire harem of women.  Not bad eh? 

A few hours back, when he was unceremoniously dumped in the sea, there was a moment of confusion and chaos.  3 coy sharks, 2 crazed bottlenose dolphins trying to act fresh and a dozen dead Somali pirates ....why were they crowding the sea!   Enroute to jannat, he met a man in an orange robe and a strange Afro hairstyle.  He was trying to drop ash on him and even offered him a gold watch.  Bin Laden had to decline politely – the last thing he needed was a watch to time his err... performance.  He had 72 dark eyed, nubile things waiting for him and he was waiting for them - oh yeah!   

He was expecting more; after all he was the big daddy of Jihadis.  150 perhaps!   But in the spirit of camaraderie, he was magnanimous enough leave a few for his Jihadi brothers as well.
 
His last Earthy abode, Abbottabad was not a bad place to live in.  It was far better than the caves of Afganistan and it came fully loaded with post retirement benefits.   Cool mansion, cooler neighbours (all of them ex army) and a plush job – Director Subterfuge at the Pakistani Military Academy.  He was after all a world renowned expert in ratting it out in caves.  And with Islamabad just a stone throw’s away, he could order his favourite Mutton Korma Pizza from Dominos anytime.   Last week was heaven – it was the buy one get one week. Burp....

His only galti se mistake - he loaded FB on his mobile.  Boy! was he hooked.  A hitherto unknown world opened up for him – he would spend hours saving lost kitties on Farmville, stay up all night playing Mafia Wars.  He even met an interesting woman online – damn was she hot!  But she beat him black and blue in Scrabble.  How he wished he had paid more attention to English in school.  Sadly he thought it was a language of the infidels, but in today’s world, to survive you have to know English! How else do you order a Pizza on the phone?  



Zawahiri marked for convinience
His bhai jaan thinks it was his last status message “Chilling out at Abbottabadthat did them in.   Sigh...even Osama is not safe in Pakistan.   But he knows his bloody legacy is in the safe hands of his second in command Aiman-Al –Zawahiri.  Too bad the chappie’s forehead has a bulls- eye marked for convenience.  Might as well walk around wearing a Tee that reads Shoot me!  

He wondered how many were chanting Tere Bin Laden in his memory.  Osama will always be a martyr that nobody will forget in haste.  Those treacherous Pakistanis ratting out on him and now acting coy – he couldn’t wait to haunt them as a bhoot.  Look at the Indians, such nice people.  They keep making movies on him.  He just read that they are making another one – Shootout at Abbottabad, in his dear departed memory. 

Osama’s mobile beeps - yes even jannat is well connected.  There’s a new message waiting for him besides the Satanic Services Welcomes you to hell, roaming charges apply.  This one is a thank-you-for-dying note from Obama.   He raises his eyebrows quizzically.

As bin Laden walks is the reception, he curls up his nose in disgust.  The decor is too loud for his taste, the music jarring and it’s too hot for comfort.  It almost feels like hell.  He will have to speak to maintenance. With a rakish smile he walks up to the receptionist and asks – This is Osama, I believe there’s a consignment waiting for me – the 72 virgins.  The girl gives a panicked look, picks up the phone and talks in an agitated tone - Emergency, there has been premature delivery at the incorrect address and he is making weird requests.  Isn’t this bloke supposed to be clean shaven, American and delivered to heaven!  Osama grits his teeth and in a low menacing tone he says –This is Osama bin laden, not Obama......google me lady!   The girl sighs in relief and gives him a sheepish smile.  Err sir I am afraid we are a bit out of stock now.  Your buddy Saddam reached much earlier than you did and charmed the waiting virgins!  And the remaining, were taken by Achmed the cute terrorist.  All he had to say was “I’ll keeeel you” and the girls would swoon in ecstasy.  But I believe we do have a few mature ones remaining for you.  Like wine they got better with age just for your sake.  

 One look at them and Osama starts sobbing – all these years of hardship for this!!  Even the Somali Pirates were better looking than them.  

Suddenly the PA system comes to life “Welcome to hell, hope you have a pleasurable stay”.  He goes back to the reception and barks “I believe there has been a mistake, I should have been in jannat and not hell”!!  The girl smiles back - Sir your membership to Jannat expired long ago and you have been downgraded to hell!  He stomps out mumbling “I’ll keeeel you” and furiously keys in his latest tweet.....Happy as hell with mah six dozen virgins.  He wouldn’t want to disappoint his Earthly Jihadis, would he.


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66 comments:

  1. Hope the yankees got the right man. :-)

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  2. Last month I deleted him from my friend list. He was sending too many "Fraaaand Req.". DP's can be deceptive; didn't he knew?

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  3. Interesting.....he was done in by a courier I believe. Courier might be the Pizza delivery guy. Osama roaming alone in the night, feeling hungry. And in a fit of drowsy stomach cramps, he calls up for a Mutton Korma. Pet ke liye khucch bhi. The rest is history.
    I still have this curiosity on why the number 72. Guess should write about it to get more viewers.

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  4. Please put a Vampire protective lotion (contact guptaji store , karol bagh for all indigenous mixtures and compounds as well as" Made as in USA by Karol bagh " stuffs ) because there is a FB status in Osama's wall saying " happy to be a vampire ..satan wants me to live on and rule the underworld" ....A musing ha ha ha...well written . tweak my funny nerves at the breakffast table

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  5. Wow this is serious. How are they going to recruit if they are running outta virgins? All the Jehaadi efforts to attract, retain motivate talent will go for a toss.
    I have always felt that this incentive system was doomed to failure, as it was not sustainable.
    In the post modern era that we live in, virgins are rare in the first place, plus how do you motivate them to remain virgins? by offering them 72 year old Laden?
    Not good strategy..

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  6. He might be welcomed by Saddam Husain in Hell ;-)

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  7. If Saddam/Achmed has taken the girls away,how can they still be virgins!?And I guess the virgins will be having a problem with his beard!
    Shouldn't be surprised if he gets his illegal supply even in hell!God!Punish him so much that he doesn't get time to even breath,leave alone negotiate!
    Beautifully crafted!Love this one!

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  8. I guess with all State Sponsored Terrorism even Bush and Obama are going to land in the company of Saddam and Osama in the end! Rather I wish that history remembers that they were equally bad ..killing people without cause!

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  9. OMG that was such a hilarious take Purba.Loved it.

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  10. Harish...Had they goofed up, Al Jazeera would have immediately come up with a video of Osama giving an emotional speech.

    Prateek... :))

    Prats... Which fool has Pizza to ease stomach cramps (looks pointedly at him)

    And has it occurred to you that they can't count beyond 72?

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  11. RK...I am a confirmed Vampire Mum. So it's Osama who needs to worry.

    Menon...You know the smart chaps they are, they haven't mentioned the gender anywhere! It's all a matter of perception and convenience.

    Vivek...I am sure.

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  12. aativas...History is written by the victor...They are the ones who brand you as a revolutionary or a terrorist.

    Blue Lotus...He he

    Rituparana....Thanks.

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  13. Sadly, no one can crack jokes about Osama rolling in his grave. Didn't the US think this through?

    Sheeesh! Imagine a whole generation devoid of any inappropriate Osama jokes. Blasphemy, I say!

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  14. When Shootout at Abbottabad releases I would keep a safe distance from all Fame and INOX cinemas.
    And I'll keeeel that director who makes such a movie. XD
    Poor Osama!

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  15. it time to move on and kill all the tarrier....!!

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  16. Another masterpiece by you Purba.. amazing write up. i could not stop laughing..
    But i somehow am not able to believe that Osama is dead. I feel the speeches given by all the US officials including Obama did not have that happiness tone of terminating the wanted man. I felt it was too artificial.
    Now that they are taking such long time to show his dead body, the feeling is getting stronger and stronger.
    I heard on Czech news that Benazir sometime before her death had informed that Osama was already dead.
    I dont know what to believe now! I have seen enough political acts and drams by US foreign policy to believe them.
    Anyway this read made my day.

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  17. Samadrita...And now the world is bracing itself against a backlash. Poor us.

    Vivek...Tarrier?


    Bhawna...Agree, every thing is shrouded in secrecy - Pakistan's complicity, the timing of the operation. Guess it will remain a secret or we can wait for a Wiki Leak!

    And so glad it made you laugh.

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  18. I meant cramps due to hunger pangs. Shheeesh Aunty, you didn't get that.

    And I heard the Shark Union is going on a Dharna against giving them crap meat.

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  19. Woah.. Bold post Purba..

    But that sure was Hell. I still wonder if they got him now, or has he been dead for a while.

    Plenty of conspiracy theories doing the rounds.

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  20. As they say on FB :"ROFL !"
    Very well writeen indeed !

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  21. Something about this entire business seems not right... too smooth, too easy.
    I hope the guy is dead, though obviously that won't mean an end of terrorism, his 'legacy' is marked...

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  22. He should have come to India...it is much safer here with Kalmadi and Kasab.

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  23. nice one :-)...
    but this operation was too smooth for me to believe...it looked like a movie that had a very good script writer, like the one who wrote Neil Armstrong's speech...
    You never know, a clean shaved Laden might be playing golf in some exotic island with Bush...

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  24. two thumbs up to ur post...
    as 4 the operation, i wont take a word of it...too good to be true. i believe he was dead years ago. May be Obama's re election campaign!

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  25. that was too cool.... :)

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  26. Lol!! Great info! Now I want to know what happened to that strange man in orange robe and afro hair....

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  27. Osama is everywhere. At work, at college, on twitter and facebook wall, and now, on your blog too. It was hilarious post like always. :D

    Bollywood decided to make a movie on his death already? :-o That's really quick.

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  28. You cannot just downgrade Osama to hell..This guy should most def to heaven for his contribution to humanity..

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  29. Prats...Unfortunately when I am hungry, I simply eat instead of waiting for stomach cramps. And LOL@ Shark union....

    Pzes...I seriously do not know what to believe. All we can do is wait and watch.

    Pmathur...hehe...thank you

    IHM...This was a symbolic victory for a nation that considers itself the most powerful. I believe the Navy Seals had been training for months for this encounter.

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  30. Corinne...Glad you liked.

    Alka...The neighbouring country was far more inviting :p

    SUB...Or he is stalking Obama in a burqa :p

    Jon...Everyone mistrusts the White House's version..LOL

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  31. Avaran...Definitely cooler than hell!

    Giribala...He is stuck in between. Apparently he and God are having ego issues.

    Nethra...Apparently many are rewriting their script post his killing.

    Perception...Contributing to humanity be terrorizing them ?

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  32. Brilliantly written ! My first time here and I really enjoyed your brand of humour :)

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  33. Oh Dear Purba...that was simply superb...still ROFL!!! Bin laden might block you friend:)))

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  34. how facebook and twitter took a innocent life... poor osama, his dreams of 72 virgins and jannat were drowned in the arabian sea..

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  35. Ruchira...Glad I didn't disappoint.

    Cloud nine...Unfriend me eh? I am rather hooked on to his tweets :D

    Deepika...LOL...drowned in sorrow.

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  36. "Enroute to jannat, he met a man in an orange robe and a strange Afro hairstyle. He was trying to drop ash on him and even offered him a gold watch... "
    Afro man is angry that he got only a line of mention in your post!!

    Well written and whats this thing about 72 virgins !! (gosh have i turned a tubelight)

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  37. LOL give me ex-Osama's twitter handle. :P
    Actually, this comment was supposed to be posted yesterday night and while I was typing, electricity forbade me to do so. So here I am, completing what I started last night.

    I see Achmed taking away the 72 virgins with him, and am happy for him. But one thing he leaked out, and you did not tell... were those virgins male or female? :P

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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  38. You had me laughing from beginning to end! I love it

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  39. Lol... just the kind of post I was looking to read ever since Obama announced the great martyr's death. At the risk of a fatwa... please keep em' coming. :-)

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  40. Osama too may be laughing in Hell, I hope so.

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  41. Please write a book on this.
    Please.
    Please.
    PLEASE.

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  42. interesting one...

    you've not written anything about his will... may be that can make another post

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  43. interesting one...

    you've not written anything about his will... may be that can make another post

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  44. mayank...The Jihad culture of death promises 72 virgins to it's martyrs. You don't die in vain - you go to Jannat and frolic with your 6 dozen dark eyed virgins :)

    Anshul...My question exactly. Where is it mentioned that the 72 virgins have to be female. And with the skewed sex ratio, you know what to expect.

    Emmy...:D :D

    Ajai...ROFL....Fatwa is not all encouraging.

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  45. Ayyangar Sir...He is having the last laugh. No one wants to believe that it was him who died :) Like a cat he has 9 lives.

    Enchanta...And have the Muslim clerics gunning for my life :D

    Shrinidhi...Apparently he doesn't want his children to be part of AL Qaeda. I find that hard to digest.

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  46. Arre, where will obama go then?

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  47. Hilarious stuff with loaded barbs and tongue in the cheek sarcasm.
    Simply loved the piece

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  48. confusedyuppie...Let's not speculate on that...I wish him a long, happy life :)

    KParthasarathi....Mucho thanks :)

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  49. Purba, what blockbuster satire, i too had written a small note on the conspiracy theory....now that his body has been dumped in sea, better to avoid sea food from arabian sea Lolz..http://de-guides.blogspot.com/2011/05/osama-dead-and-buried-sea.html

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  50. Nice one ... good to know that even you liked Achmed The Dead Terrorist Video on YouTube :)

    Cheers,
    Madhu
    http://www.10yearitch.com

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  51. 72 Virgins, I wonder if he carried his blue pills :)

    Excellent post, keep them coming.

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  52. hahaha ROFL :D you posts are always entertaining ... :D

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  53. LOl... this is hilarious... loved every part of it.

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  54. The best satirical piece I have read in recent past. The best past was that, 72 virgins were saved from being disappointed. Keep more of them coming.

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  55. Deguide...Ha! what an indecent burial. Will be reading your version soon :)

    Madhu...Jeff Dunham's Achmed had me in splits :D

    Alpa Male...Needless to say the virgins were disappointed with him!

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  56. Rajlakshmi...Thanks :))

    Sauvik... He he

    Sarbajit...It was a win-win situation for both :D

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  57. Just one thing Purba, why dnt you write on http://cupidspeaks.com/ . It will be great to see you there too

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  58. Loved this one!
    Was tired of reading material after material on his present antiques.
    This was a fresh whiff of Hellish air and loved the twisht in the tale too! :D

    And yeah! Baba also met him on the way? Wonder where he was headed to! :|

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  59. Akshita...Would have loved to, but my blog keeps me more than busy :)

    mepretentious....Baba's destination is top secret - only CIA is aware of his whereabouts.

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  60. Good one! It is so different from the rest of the Osama stories floating around! Loved it!

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  61. Very funny. Especially the zawahiri photo 'doctored'

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  62. akanksha...Thanks a ton

    Sairam...Delighted that you noticed.

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  63. what a write up. it was really worth reading unlike the ritual write ups about osama. tere bin laden tho jawab nahee..........

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  64. Absolutely Marvellous...you'll put my favorite Bachi karkaria to Shame...Please let me know what u have in your breakfast !!! My funny bones just got bust....

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