|Courtesy - OutlookIndia.com|
It has been a busy month for me. Managing smear-campaigns and weaving conspiracy theories is not an easy job. But I am “tyre-less” and not a stepni as that retired sanyasin, Uma Bharti would like to believe. I left no stone unturned to make Rahul Baba’s birthday party truly memorable. Dressed up as a clown, I jumped from behind the curtains and sang Happy Birrrrthdayyy to yooooo….. in a breathy Marilyn Monroe style. I ordered the birthday boy’s favourite – chicken wings from KFC but made sure none of them were right wings. Before I could pat myself on the back for doing such a commendable job, my eyes beheld the ungainly sight of Pranab Da and Chiddy at the party. I didn’t want to burst into tears and make a spectacle of myself. Instead I promptly arranged musical chairs. A fun way to pull chairs from under their saggy bottoms. It was painful trying to make Rahul Baba win, the boy just stood there smiling and waving rather than run. But one look at Madam’s beaming face and I knew it was worth the effort.
I will now be canvassing to make 19th June - Rahul Baba’s birthday as Children’s Day. It’s time to move on to a fresh new face, in all his dimpled glory. And who wouldn’t want to have a cherubic child like our crown prince!
My own birthday on 28th of February should be marked as National Owl Day. Many moons back my auspicious entry was marked by the hooting of 72 owls – so loud that all of Raghogarh converged at our haveli to see this one of a kind baby. And what they saw is still etched in their memory – a baby with his foot stuck firmly in his mouth. All these years and I have been unable to get my foot out. Someone even wrote that I should come with an instruction manual that reads: Open Mouth, Insert foot. Funny...
I have always been different. I was a sickly, snotty kid who no one paid attention to. So I would keep myself busy digging. I would dig deep and yet come up with nothing. So I started bragging about my imaginary discoveries and keep the villagers enthralled. And thus I came to be known as Diggy Raja – the Raja of diggers!
By the time I became the CM of Madhya Pradesh, I had got my Masters in bragging. I was so full of gas that I sailed through my tenure till I was finally thrown out by a Sanyasin! Like a true Raja, I went on a self-imposed ten year exile. I knew I would be greeted with chappals had I tried a comeback.
Since Congress has a special attachment to all things old and useless, I was made the General Secretary of the All India Congress Committee. True to my name, I now started digging deeper. Soon I grabbed headlines for my cock and bull theory about the involvement of Hindu terror groups in Hemant Karkare’s death. Kasab promptly sent me a Valentine Teddy even though it was still December and I was invited to take part in the Conspiracy theory summit (CTS) to be held in Pakistan. Unfortunately I had to decline. I knew Madam wouldn’t approve.
Of late my mouth has been running like a motor. I have been using Baba Ramdev for target practice, calling him fundamentalist, a fake ascetic who indulges in five-star satyagraha sponsored by RSS and VHP. It’s another matter that I am a great fan of Patanjali products, especially their anti wrinkle cream.
From suggesting that the PM should be under Lokpal, to canvassing for Rahul to take over as PM and get married (not necessarily in that order), to calling Chidambaram rigid, with a narrow sectarian view – my multifaceted motor mouth has spared no one. Why, I even demanded a probe into charges that the finance ministry was bugged, knowing fully well that those gum sticks had been especially ordered by Pranab Da to shut me up.
They don’t call me Master Conspiracy Theorist for nothing. When I talk people run for cover!
Of late people have been doing a Diggi on me – calling me a maskhara(buffoon), stepney, loose cannon, a better alternative to Lashkar-e-Toiba to spread communal disharmony..... It seems I am the new age Cacofonix - they want to gag me and send me off for a long vacation.
I know I am a misunderstood genius. Twenty years from now you will realize what a visionary I was. You will be quoting from my quotes and flocking to the theatres to watch Dev Anand movies (another misunderstood genius). And when I finally become the Prime Minister, you will thank me for getting Rahul married to the princess of Junagarh. I will become world famous by giving unsolicited opinion on world matters and make sure India is blacklisted from all international committees.
Till then I will keep myself busy with my soon to be launched book – From a spare wheel to steering wheel in six sneaky steps.