Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Diggy Digs Deep – Musings of a misunderstood genius

Courtesy - OutlookIndia.com


It has been a busy month for me.  Managing smear-campaigns and weaving conspiracy theories is not an easy job.  But I am “tyre-less” and not a stepni as that retired sanyasin, Uma Bharti would like to believe.  I left no stone unturned to make Rahul Baba’s birthday party truly memorable.   Dressed up as a clown, I jumped from behind the curtains and sang Happy Birrrrthdayyy to yooooo….. in a breathy Marilyn Monroe style.   I ordered the birthday boy’s favourite – chicken wings from KFC but made sure none of them were right wings.  Before I could pat myself on the back for doing such a commendable job, my eyes beheld the ungainly sight of Pranab Da and Chiddy at the party.  I didn’t want to burst into tears and make a spectacle of myself.  Instead I promptly arranged musical chairs.  A fun way to pull chairs from under their saggy bottoms.  It was painful trying to make Rahul Baba win, the boy just stood there smiling and waving rather than run.  But one look at Madam’s beaming face and I knew it was worth the effort.

I will now be canvassing to make 19th June - Rahul Baba’s birthday as Children’s Day.   It’s time to move on to a fresh new face, in all his dimpled glory.  And who wouldn’t want to have a cherubic child like our crown prince!

My own birthday on 28th of February should be marked as National Owl Day.  Many moons back my auspicious entry was marked by the hooting of 72 owls – so loud that all of Raghogarh converged at our haveli to see this one of a kind baby.   And what they saw is still etched in their memory – a baby with his foot stuck firmly in his mouth.    All these years and I have been unable to get my foot out. Someone even wrote that I should come with an instruction manual that reads: Open Mouth, Insert foot.   Funny...

I have always been different.  I was a sickly, snotty kid who no one paid attention to.  So I would keep myself busy digging.  I would dig deep and yet come up with nothing.  So I started bragging about my imaginary discoveries and keep the villagers enthralled.   And thus I came to be known as Diggy Raja – the Raja of diggers!

By the time I became the CM of Madhya Pradesh, I had got my Masters in bragging. I was so full of gas that I sailed through my tenure till I was finally thrown out by a Sanyasin!  Like a true Raja, I went on a self-imposed ten year exile.  I knew I would be greeted with chappals had I tried a comeback. 

Since Congress has a special attachment to all things old and useless, I was made the General Secretary of the All India Congress Committee.   True to my name, I now started digging deeper.  Soon I grabbed headlines for my cock and bull theory about the involvement of Hindu terror groups in Hemant Karkare’s death.  Kasab promptly sent me a Valentine Teddy even though it was still December and I was invited to take part in the Conspiracy theory summit (CTS) to be held in Pakistan. Unfortunately I had to decline.  I knew Madam wouldn’t approve.

Of late my mouth has been running like a motor.  I have been using Baba Ramdev for target practice, calling him fundamentalist, a fake ascetic who indulges in five-star satyagraha sponsored by RSS and VHP.  It’s another matter that I am a great fan of Patanjali products, especially their anti wrinkle cream.

From suggesting that the PM should be under Lokpal, to canvassing for Rahul to take over as PM and get married (not necessarily in that order), to calling Chidambaram rigid, with a narrow sectarian view – my multifaceted motor mouth has spared no one.  Why, I even demanded a probe into charges that the finance ministry was bugged, knowing fully well that those gum sticks had been especially ordered by Pranab Da to shut me up.

They don’t call me Master Conspiracy Theorist for nothing.  When I talk people run for cover!

Google Images


Of late people have been doing a Diggi on me – calling me a maskhara(buffoon), stepney, loose cannon, a better alternative to Lashkar-e-Toiba to spread communal disharmony.....  It seems I am the new age Cacofonix - they want to gag me and send me off for a long vacation.  

I know I am a misunderstood genius.  Twenty years from now you will realize what a visionary I was.  You will be quoting from my quotes and flocking to the theatres to watch Dev Anand movies (another misunderstood genius).  And when I finally become the Prime Minister, you will thank me for getting Rahul married to the princess of Junagarh.  I will become world famous by giving unsolicited opinion on world matters and make sure India is blacklisted from all international committees.

Till then I will keep myself busy with my soon to be launched book – From a spare wheel to steering wheel in six sneaky steps.    


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40 comments:

  1. ROFL..ROFL..ROFL
    Ok enough rolling...Fantastic. You really dug into Diggy's skin.
    Diggy has a fetish for feet. He puts his own in his mouth and spares no chance to lick the feet of Madam and Baba.
    By the way he should become a stand up or write conspiracy theory books. India's answer to David Icke?
    But perhaps his theories might win him a Nobel or something

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  2. Hi Purba - a very humorous post on Diggy. enjoyed it:)

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  3. Great job with the post and now if only Diggy himself gets a chance to read it..That would be something.

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  4. HAHAHA!!

    that was vintage Purba!! loved it!

    the last para spells doom though :(

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  5. Purba is an agent of the communal force, planted into the blogosphere to spread smear campaign against a legendary super politcian, the only one who can save India from the best to the worst err ... Jai Diggy Raja! May the foot in the mouth force prevail!

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  6. When he was CM of MP he was good enough as a human being .. now with loss of chair he seems to have changed for worst!

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  7. Snow Leopard....He will make a good stand up comic...poker faced, unaware of the laugh riot his words have generated.

    Sajeeev...Diggy is an inspiration to all.

    Perception...Diggy will start digging my grave :p

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  8. hell that was good! Doggie (pardon thats a typo).. Diggie indeed is a mystery. Continues to keep media, conspiracy theorists and even his fellow congressi on their toes alike.

    Will some one shut him for once!!

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  9. magiceye...The future indeed is bleak - we have a choice between the buffoon/the silent one and the dimpled one.

    Lakshmi...Evil grin...anything to shut him up...But the fellow is indefatigable!

    aativas...But he didn't do much for his state.

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  10. This one is totally great! lets wait in peace till he launches his "Six sneaky steps book" so that the laugh riot turns to a laugh disaster!!

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  11. yeah...let sleeping diggies lie, even if they are lying thru their teeth..
    and may the silent one speak..even if it is nonsense..
    and may the dimpled one rule, even if it is just to shut the diggies up..
    and may your blogs continue to entertain, even if it is at the cost of the biggies and diggies of the world

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  12. Mayank...His know-all nonsensical rantings are entertaining. People like him are fodder for our tweets and blogs.

    Cindrella....I scared you didn't I? Imagine him and Krishna Menon at the United Nations?

    menon...Menonism at its peak :))

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  13. Lol...good take! No-stop entertainment :D
    I also wanted to write about the adventures of Diggy Raja, but it didn't take off.

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  14. hahah...this was so hilarious!

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  15. good work...keep in coming :)

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  16. What an exhaustive research you have done, oh Purba, including the recounting of the 72 owls the night Diggy was born! Impressed! It is scary to know the choices we have for a PM. May God save India.

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  17. i think loose canons are absolutely necessary for a party especially when half the stakes lie in clueless media

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  18. How I wanted to write on Diggy...Rahuls male nanny. But u have done such a wonderful job. Super funny.Outstanding.

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  19. ROFL.. hilarious...satire at its very best...A strange funny 'democratic' world we are living in!

    Cheers!
    SUB

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  20. LOL

    The way he claims that So and So person contacted him telling him how someone's life is in danger, I think one day he'd say that aliens came and had an evening tea with him. And why does everyone suffering or likely to suffer has to go to Him only? It's like American movies, every superhero belongs to America, and every trouble (Read attack on world) starts from America.

    And no one endorses his claims, does he lack self respect and dignity?

    Interesting read.

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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  21. Giribala...I just sighed in relief :p

    A grain of sand ...:D

    Blue...Thank you

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  22. Zephyr...There is one important detail I forgot to include. In my previous birth, I was one of the owls :p

    Jon...About our media, the less said the better.

    Alka...I would love to read your tongue in cheek perspective.

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  23. SUB...Or rather the only functioning anarchy.

    Anshul....Since the man is dead, he knows he can get away with anything. As someone rightly said - he deserves two tight slaps.

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  24. hahahaa!lol at the satire...rahul's birthday...hahaha...purba, you have the knack of weaving interesting stories...

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  25. You have the potential to be a good writer, one level higher than your present one. Don't rush, polish each post as you would your dearest jewel. One day you may strike gold:) All the best, keep writing.

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  26. Pzes...He's one smart chap.

    Cloud Nine...He He....glad you liked :)

    Satish Mutukar...Appreciate your suggestion.

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  27. and I can comment again.. I dont know why but i cud not on prvious post...

    As usual lovely post lively one .. what made me burst out laughing was the jumping out from behind a la monroe style to sing the song :)
    :)

    and misunderstood genius indeed so true ... so please I need a few autographs from you lest 20 years later you refuse to recognise me ...
    Bikram's

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  28. You don't spare anyone and thats y i love ur blog! :D

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  29. ahahahhahah! this has to be the most hilarious bit of writing i haev read the entire day!

    PS Am foolowing your blog now!

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  30. Entertaining read Purba...at the end of the day, I had a nice time reading it...to think of what is the future of India gives me shivers. I just hope & pray that India will be in safe hands...a layman can just HOPE, I presume!

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  31. Absolutely Hilarious to say the least.....Diggy Raja would ask for chulu bhar pani ...if he goes thro this....

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  32. Bikramjeet...Err are you likening me to Diggy Singh? :p

    Ana-treek...My brother never tires of regaling my daughter with his tortured by my pranks childhood stories :))

    Raam Pyari...Ahhh thank you. And honoured that you decided to follow my blog :))

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  33. deepazartz....We have survived years of inept governance, what's a Digvijay?

    Rajesh....Diggy jee is the Chulbul Pandey of Politics :)

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  34. I don't know much about the guy but your post was really funny. :)

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  36. Purba,

    LOL. Who needs comedians when such persons are around?

    Take care

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  37. Nethra...Surprised.. he grabs a lot of headlines :)

    Jack...Hahahha...

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  38. A fun read. As usual. Purba style :)

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  39. u are hilarious Ms Ray...good one!

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