Sunday, July 24, 2011

Buzz off will you....

Courtesy :Gulfnews.com

If you come to my house, I’ll greet you with a smile and then look sternly at your feet.  No, I am not checking whether your shoes are polished and won’t demand to see your nails either.  I got over that habit long time back.  It’s just that my house is a shoe free zone and I expect you to take them off (just the shoes, if you please).  

Every time I invite someone new to my place, it is always accompanied with a statutory warning.  I am at my frothiest best or so I think and make sure each word is echoing with joy.  I wouldn’t want to scare you off, would I?  And I am a gracious hostess; I have chappals in all sizes & colours to suit your mood and taste.

But I’m not sure whether the gas delivery chap or the plumber shares the same sentiment.  Ask them and with terror filled eyes they will recount the crazy bong lady.  The madam jee who screams joote utaaro like an army general every time she opens the door.  It is a perilous situation for me as well.  Most of these gents have stinky feet – one whiff and you are ready to drop dead. 

Lately I have started treating this species, especially their feet, with awe.  Before you start making hasty assumptions about my sanity or rather the lack of it – let me clarify.   Researchers in Tanzania have made a startling breakthrough.  They have discovered that the stinky odour of human feet has a major fan following among the mosquito population.  And now the smell of old socks is being effectively used to fight Malaria.  All one has to do is set up a trap outdoors “scented” with the odour of human feet and voila the mosquitoes come swarming in.  Once trapped, they are then poisoned en masse.  Talk about fatal attraction! 

So all you people, who have gotten used to making people swoon for all the wrong reasons, can let out a loud Hurrah!  You can now take solace from the fact that a certain kind is evolved enough to appreciate your feet’s proclivity for bad odour.  You can walk bare feet in the park, with your head held up high and your chest puffed up.   Only a chosen few can boast of their very own army of mosquitoes following them around in a dazed stupor.  A Vodafone user has one measly Hutch puppy and you have hundreds buzzing around you in frenzy.   You my dear are the SRK of the Aedes Anopheles and its sundry cousins.  

Are you wondering, why the hell I am so overjoyed?   Great, that some sod accidentally discovered the magical properties of socks that smell of sewage – so what?  You see, my husband is endowed with a magnetism which is visible only to the insect kingdom.  Spiders and especially mosquitoes find him drop dead gorgeous.  Where ever he goes, they come out in droves to pay their obeisance to this one of a kind specimen.  Reclusive spiders come out of their self imposed exile, Gandhian mosquitoes let go of their ideals for one last sting operation.  In a room full of juicy humanoids, it is him they select.  He is like Jim Morrison and they his screaming fans.   Ironically he has the most cared for feet in the world.  Why he even moisturizes his toenails! 

 And now thanks to these Scientists (God bless their soul) I have found a perfectly simple solution to protect my loved one from his crazed admirers.  Stay off him, he’s mine.  All I have to is hurl the stinky socks I stole from the AC repair chap at these blood suckers and then spray them dead (just the mosquitoes).   If Wendi Deng can protect Rupert Murdoch from flying pies with her deft left hand hook why can’t I be my husband’s Charlie’s Angel? I have already started practising my moves in front of the mirror with a menacing Buzz off will you! 

So please, you are welcome to my house.  Just make sure your socks are reeking.  If not, beg, borrow or steal a pair that stinks – you wouldn’t want to disappoint me would you? 



58 comments:

  1. We sound like Nazis. Attracting the mosquitoes and then gassing them en masse. Concentration camps I say.
    Can empathize with Mr Ray. I know how it feels like.
    And yes, I do remember taking my shoes off at your doorstep. That was something I had never done before.

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  2. When I came to Delhi I found that almost everyone has this habit of moving with shoes all-over the house. I find it most un-hygienic. And when I request people to take off their shoes .. they give me weird look!!

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  3. Purba the new Wendi Dang?

    Taking shoes off is a hygienic tradition followed in the south. I wonder why we dont follow it as a matter of habit in the north.

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  4. Hehe, so funny!

    Also, you are not alone. My mum screams at everyone to remove their shoes outside the house too. ;)

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  5. wow! That was a real stingy invite!
    Amazing humour!

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  6. It's been a long time since I was here. A lot of changes! And wonderful to see Mrs Ray empathizing and putting herself in the shoes of Wendi - don't forget to remove it :)

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  7. I am always nange pair, not to worry. :P

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  8. lol...I wish i could do that to the flies...they are really bothering us for a couple of days...

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  9. Hey, you should visit Chennai sometimes. Here, not just the homes, even while entering the shops you are expected to remove your footwear. This is certainly a hygenic habit, but it can be a pain at times. I rarely wear lace shoes now, you can guess the reason :)

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  10. yeah, i cannot tolerate the smell, ywuckkk...
    I am very smell sensitive. To me i first smell and then approve. I do not even go near anyone's feet who wear's shoes..
    Fortunately mine and my husband's dont stink, uff!!goodness!!

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  11. Looooooool! Here in cochin...which is the breeding place of mosquitos even socks wont help. My only solace is the badminton racket....by evening i become Serena Williams casting away the mosquitos

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  12. Stand by your man come what may. Be it mosquitoes or spiders :P
    good going ;)

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  13. you stole the AC repair chap's socks-tch, tch...poor chap!
    and also poor chap for your husband-who is soooo loved by the insect world and you!lol!:-)

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  14. Be careful of what your asking for lady...dya wanna reconsider the idea? :P

    Bloggeratti Contest details on my latest post.

    www.scriptedinsanity.blogspot.com

    Cheers
    CRD

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  15. Hey P, you will be quite at home in sgp as everyone leaves their shoes outside the home.....

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  16. In our place its always the shoes outside when you go to anyone's home!! Been so much used to it that way!!
    And I wont tolerate anyone coming home and not keeping it outside!! :)

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  17. you stole the AC repair chap's socks-tch, tch...poor chap!
    and also poor chap for your husband-who is soooo loved by the insect world and you!lol!:-)

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  18. You do have an awesome sense of Humor Purba! Enjoyed Reading your post!

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  19. Be alert, Mosquitoes may form a union and sit for fast unto death if they came to know about conspiracy theories against them. :P

    Weakest Link

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  20. Hahaha! Wendi Deng II of Gurgaon:P Warding off mosquitoes is one hell of a job...

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  21. Smelly socks are .. ugh! But your loyalty to hubby dear is commendable. Mosquitoes and spiders dare not come close to Hubby... else.... all hell will break loose :)

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  22. you have deprived the AC guy of his "protective" "godly-stinky" Armour to protect your own. UN are u listening??

    Ahum...Purbiwendidengii...Rhymes
    ha ha ..

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  23. Prats....Oops I forgot to check your socks :P

    Aativas...Ohh I get that look all the time. But it's my house and you are expected to follow my rules.

    Alka...The worse is when people walk all over your beautiful carpet in their dirty shoes!

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  24. Carpe Diem...We scream for a noble cause.

    Mangoman...Kya kuchh bhi??

    Shaz...Hahah...thanks

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  25. Anto...Good point but it feels good to be in her shoes. They are rather comfortable.

    Prateek...Hey Bhagwan!

    SUB...Have you become too sweet lately?

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  26. Gautam...I have heard stories about the sea of chappals outside banquets halls :D

    Bhawna...Stinky feet is the biggest turn off.

    Red Handed...Isn't it why the mosquito is called the national bird of Kerala :P

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  27. Defiant Princess..The modern nari is like Baygon spray :D

    Suruchi...I know...I sometimes feel sorry for him.

    CRD...Err why? you have something else to offer?

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  28. Rohit...I love making people laugh :)

    Rachit...Heheh...then I call kill all of them together. Yessss

    Cloud Nine...Thankfully they find me distasteful and leave me alone.

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  29. Abha...Chalo at least you don't have to worry about pest control.

    RK...No thank you, I quite like my name :)

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  30. Ha ha.. Purba, that is so funny :) Interesting facts I must say .. And the way you described your hubby as a unusual celebrity for the insects... he he .. ROFL! :P

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  31. HaHa...reminds me of Nana Patekar and the famous dialogue "Saala ek machchar bhi aadmi ko hijda banaa deta hai":p

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  32. Lol...The poor AC repair guy..he must be wondering why he is not the apple of the eyes of all those insects anymore!

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  33. Sunil....And he always takes it sportingly :p

    Sharmila...Hehehe....aur hamko Wendi Deng.

    Akanksha...Since his feet is a perennial sewage - he can bestow his odor to other socks.

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  34. Haha.. My mom's a mass Mosquito murderer too. She'll run around the house, wielding that Mosquito bat like a sword, till each one of 'em buggers falls down dead.

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  35. Finally a way to avoid getting dengue and Malaria :P

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  36. Your post reminds me of a cartoon that used to be aired on Nickelodeon, monsters, or something like it. There was a little monster named crum who held his eyeballs in his hands and his arms always used to be raised releasing scary smell from his armpits. The degree of his scariness was measured by the amount of mosquitoes he could attract buzzing around him.

    And you just learnt how to hunt mosquitoes and cockroaches. Now write a book, 'Killing bugs for dummies'. I'll buy, for sure. :D

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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  37. Pzes...Can you clone her for me please?

    Lazy Pineapple...A stinky end for the nasty buggers!

    Anshul...Hmm before that I need to conduct a few experiments. Need a few volunteers :D

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  38. Ah Mr Ray and I'll have something in common. The Gandhian mosquitoes abandon all their notions of non-violence and whatnot if they spot me in a room. Ignoring all the other specimens of Homo Sapiens they aim for parts of my exposed skin with sheer joy. Sigh! if only some hot vampire was attracted to my blood and not some bloody darned mosquitoes.

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  39. Oh wow! Oh wow!
    I am making my mum read this!! :D

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  40. its a given at least in the common man's homes in mumbai
    do consider a shift :D

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  41. like always good one again.

    and ya you took the right persons sock to drive away the mosquitoes. coz the ac people have the most stinking type of socks of the lot.. from personal experience. even i dont allow shoes in my house but this rule is always waved off for the ac people.

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  42. hehehe..hilarious..But then Kochi city is the holy land of mosquitos across the world.I should tell Amma not to wash Acha's stinky socks and make better use of it...

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  43. Samadrita...Damn another drop dead gorgeous specimen :P

    Enchanta...For handy tips?

    magiceye...I think I will stick to Delhi and fight for a change.

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  44. Rohit....I make them wash their feet with soap :)

    Blue Lotus....Yupp she should hang them as decorations all over the house :S

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  45. Hilarious post. :D Sting operation by mosquitoes! :D Sadly I don't have stinking socks so I'm unwelcome I guess. :P

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  46. I didn't know the smelliest socks secret. Should try my dad's socks on mosquitoes sometimes.

    And like always, I liked the humor of this post too. :)

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  47. I think the mosquitoes in my house hv becum immune to the life rejuvenating stench of my socks.... think they've evolved into some higher form of mosquitoes.

    While the ants dont really bother me, its the mice in the kitchen tht giv me sleepless nites.

    I'm ok with the bedbugs but in the meanwhile, I gotta do somethin bout the roaches....

    Yup, its a jungle out here but wish my sox smelt worse....

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  48. so after kachua chaap and the other remedies -- you have to patent this one! nice humorous post .. Wendi Deng sorry Purba ;)

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  49. Nice post, I have a problem on the same lines, I have a very sensitive nose and offensive odors are a definite no no for me, I have presented many friends with shoe perfumes, the ones they can spray inside their shoes that keeps the odor off... The research on mosquitoes was enlightening, thank you for the education.

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  50. Ajay...As suggested - you can begging/borrow or steal :)

    Nethra...Actually we need to validate the claims made by scientists. Have to make sure that it's not a cock and bull theory :)

    Raj....Dear God you seem to be living in pest heaven. May your socks save your soul.

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  51. Sajeev...My friend has suggested, I should start harvesting smelly feet.
    And I am looking for business partners - you interested?

    Dr Vikram... Shoes need proper airing to keep them odor free. And so glad you found it enlightening.

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  52. This is so funny..:)) could very well relate you to this.

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  53. Enjoyed reading it!! I usually tell my guests not to remove their shoes even in my kitchen, fearing that their feet might get dirty.

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  54. ah! dunno if thats a great idea cos mosquitoes are anyways becoming resistant to all these repellants! Lol. I guess netted windows will always be the best escape ;)
    But hey. My mom kinda liked the idea except that mosquitoes might like the stinking socks but we need to stand it cos she is big time OCD about cleanliness (in short she is a nag :|) :p
    But anyways. I mean it when I tick howlarious :p

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  55. Maitreyee...In real life I just tch tch in sympathy :p

    Giribala..LMAO...You and your naughty sense of humour.

    Shalini...The stink is offputing but look at the bright side it will be an effective way to keep unwanted guests away :D

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  56. Purba,

    LOL. Please do protect him with all your ways.

    Take care

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