Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Itching To Bitch.....

My name is Phulo

A certain veteran actor has been insisting of late that it’s my Dad who’s old and not him.  To further prove his point he has taken to sporting colours so vivid that it will put even a rainbow to shame.  I strongly suspect that they are hand me downs that his baby wore in a movie where he was pretending to be gay.  The father-son duo with their floral collection can easily be mistaken for the valley of flowers.  Is senility making Big B revisit his childhood, but this time as a flower child

Since I do not know the gent personally I can only speculate.  But one thing I know for sure is that his cup brimmeth over.  His superstarni Bahu, who is so plastic that she is considered an environment hazard, has managed a medical feat.  I mean it is a miracle that despite being wedded to a procession of trees and cows, she has managed to conceive the inconceivable.

Strangely the grand daddy seems to be sporting a baby bump too.  Wondering if the two are exchanging notes on morning sickness....


Doing what she does best
Personally I am sick too and tired as well of seeing Ms Sherawat on screen.  I mean there’s too much of her in too little.  Ever since Hollywood sent her packing, the lady is itching for a grand comeback to Bollywood.   After her epic Hiss was watched by exactly 6 ½ people, Mallika is convinced that the only way to stardom is cheesy songs.  So she has been choosing her roles with utmost care - all the ghastly movies this season have Ms Sherawat as the piece de resistance.  And you don’t even have to watch these appalling movies.  All you have to do is surf channels and voila there she is shaking her body parts vigorously.  I don’t know about you guys but after Hiss, it’s tough not to imagine her as a vicious snake out to get revenge.  And her dancing skills don’t help either.  She looks more like a grasshopper high on energy drinks, rather than a femme fatale.  

Dear Mallika now that you have gained extensive expertise selling jalebis, you might consider selling them at Haldiram’s.  A word of caution though – don’t pout, you might end up scaring the customers away. 

The Beauty and the beast
If too little is irksome, two much can get tiresome as well.  Have you seen the voluminous creations Ms Shahnaz Hussain chooses to wear? A single attire of hers can be used to make curtains for an entire orphanage.  And considering her outfits look more like upholstery, it will look rather appropriate.  One look at Ms Hussain and one can easily be fooled into believing that all the Henna her company manufactures is used to colour Madame’s tresses. Talk about conspicuous consumption.  But will someone please tell her than gray looks any day better than orangy red!  Doesn’t she know that by looking like a harridan in a tent, she is actually doing disservice to her brand?  

Women with angry red hair and kohl smeared eyes look prettier in a burqa.

And will people stop telling me what to do this summer?  This summer be a dirty doggie.....sing with Senorita...throw tomatoes at Katrina....No thanks, I do not need your suggestions.  I am happy sweating profusely, cribbing about missing clouds and bitching about celebrities who annoy me most.   
Enhanced by Zemanta

74 comments:

  1. :) On their face.
    On Big B - It's like one fine morning He stood there[in front of his wardrobe] gaping not knowing what to wear like a child which gapes at colourful candies. So to be fair to other colours he wears them all :D
    On Ms Shahnaz Hussain- I guess they used it to cover Connecticut when it rains,. :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. ROFLMFAOHMASTCFMEUTB

    ......... Have you heard the new song...and when the part comes..."Naam...Jalebi Bai...Jalebi Bai"

    AB senior is under senile degradation. He sells Hair Oil in odd clothes. Lets not talk about AB junior, AB Bahu and Shahnaz Hussain (This one reminds me of Medusa, the gorgon)

    ReplyDelete
  3. LOL!!
    Good one there!! Just looooooooooved this post :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Finally the colourful family of flowers is going to "bloom"

    We must appreciate Miss Jalebi Lady's efforts in fitting herself in the attires as sugar coated and as small as what she sells!! :P

    And about the Fat lady in red hair selling her Beauty products!! Beauty and the Beast has finally become so hard to differentiate!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I've always thought Shahnaz Hussain is one of the biggest paradoxes you'll ever find. She owns a leading cosmetic brand, but herself looks like she got an electric shot, the effects of which still haven't worn off. She's scary, man!!

    Miss.Reema 'Mallika Sherawat' Lamba should go back to wherever she was in the U.S. Those people are much better equipped to deal with calamities and disasters than we are. :/ I don't think I'll ever enjoy a jalebi the same way again.

    And if my baap is the one who's Bbuddha, I've no complaints. At least he doesn't prance around in flowery shirty that you can buy for 50 bucks on the roadside.

    Great post. An out-and-out rant. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am afraid for the viewers. Vigorous shaking of body parts can make them fall; both the parts and the viewer.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Awww! There seems to be some major frustration let-out here. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. hahah..what a post..absolutely loved it. Have been here after a mucho while but your posts are as funny as ever :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. LOL, I see the effects of the famous Dilli ki garmi.
    Chill Purba, have an ice cream, or maybe a lemonade. :D

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
  10. Karthick...LMAO...Please why scar Connecticut for life?
    Imagine her face looming over their heads!

    Prats...Those expression of hers are howlarious :D

    Akanksha...Really? :D :D

    ReplyDelete
  11. Cindrella...And the Bachhan bouquet has now taken to wearing violently coloured gamchhas around their neck! Fashion Police arrest them please...

    Spaceman Spiff...Ranting was never this fun :p

    Prateek...Ms Sherawat should come with a statutory warning.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Carpe Diem...Bitching is cathartic :P

    Lazy Pineapple...Heyyy...long time, how have you been?

    Anshul..You will be experiencing Dilli ki Garmi soon. Don't tell me that I didn't warn you :p

    ReplyDelete
  13. ROFL! THat was a super-bitchy post, and I loved loved loved it!!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. noooo please noooooooooooooo dont give ideas to Mallika to go to haldi rams , she will ruin a perfectly good source of FOOD for me te foody .. Please dont ever let that happen again :)

    I liked the plastic steatement on the bahurani.. thats why movies should come with a warning .. This film contains Aishwarya :) and Now Bachan toooo ..
    But I sort of like the actor in him , so i would not say anything :)

    never heard about the third character dont know who she is , yeah i am so much out of touch in the duhhhhh world of my own .. sulk sulk :)

    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ohhk...that was one itch to bitch =))ROTFL.
    Would you believe,My MIL dragged me to Buddha hoga...and I actually sat through the flower infested shirts,hamming and all that.Gorged on Chinese food later to overcome the feeling.One more day I am subjected to Bachchan family sweetness,I'll get type 2 diabetes 8-/
    Let's become producers and cast Shehnaaz in Scary movie 5 ;p

    ReplyDelete
  16. writerzblock...Yea... the itch got the better of me....

    Bikramjeet...Dear God we need to educate you ASAP...Just google Shahnaz Hussain for further info :P

    Sharmila...I doubt if anybody likes the family. They are a strange lot.

    And you deserve a Paramveer Chakra for sitting through that movie :D

    ReplyDelete
  17. About the AISHWARYA baby thing...i am confused whether it was IVF or the TREE.

    About Mallika...i have postmovie depression for 3 days after watching the movie HISSS.. Ghastly!

    About SHAHNAAJ !! I want to personally meet u and bow down...finally someone brought it up. I hateeee the hair so much!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Some jobless people are betting on whether baby Aby will be a boy or a girl.....Mallika is a media maverick.She gets movies based on her photo opportunities.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Big B's bahurani sure is pure plastic. ;)
    And as much as I despise Mallika Sherawat in all her forms, be it human or serpentine, I often find my hips gyrating to the tunes of Jalebi Bai... Is it normal or do I need medical help? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Red Handed..If she has multiple Mini B's, then we"ll know.

    And Shahnaz looks like a Bhaloo in drag~

    Alka...O yea..she thrives on controversies and I'm too good for the world attitude..

    thebrokennib.....Hehe...whatever you do will be better than Mallika Sherawat's clumsy moves:p

    ReplyDelete
  21. Damn Purba, my stomach hurts and I still can't stop laughing. N yaa I get really annoyed by all the sad jalebi bai stuff on t.v. N AB really needs to be a little more graceful even thought my parents say they quite enjoyed the movie. N shudn't AB's Baby be in more movies than his father? N the bahu, lets not even go there.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Absolutely loved your post. Have been lurking here a lot but this one made me want to comment :)

    Big B went senile when shouted from the rooftop about his soon-to-be-dada status.

    Love your blog. Keep writing :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hey Purba,
    super funny as usual- you totally voiced my sentiments about Big B's horrific dressing sense in the movie that takes away from the charm he is trying to create in the promos

    and poor Mallaika-give the gal a break yaar-kuch na kuch karte he rehta hain to earn a livelihood-i used to find her interviews very amusing earlier(though the "amusing" used for your posts cannot be similarly categorized)

    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  24. you know what? i love a bitchy post anytime...just makes my day :D

    a little birdy told me that Shehnaz also has gold in her beauty creams!!
    talk about bullion consumption!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I like Big B's choice of color ...its now closer to my wardrobe :D

    There was a time when I used to like Jalebi but well, now...

    As usual, amazing post, Purba ji :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Whooo!!! good one! sharp and pointy- just the way sarcasm ought to be! Grasshopper on Energy Drinks! Fantastic!! Absolutely loved this blog!

    ReplyDelete
  27. kz.. if you are vexed ..read some quality news @ News Not Making News and for other Weakest LInk hain na :D

    ReplyDelete
  28. flowers, snakes, beasts...wonder what happened to humanity...
    ppl r still telling u what to do this summer? it is supposed to be monsoon here...but then again...where is monsoon?

    ReplyDelete
  29. Reading your post was a delight. It is like sitting among best frens and bitching our hearts out. Looking fwd to many more sessions like these.:)

    ReplyDelete
  30. Lol!!! Environment hazard :D

    ReplyDelete
  31. Rituparna...That family is weird. Don't even get me started on them.

    Maddie...A good bitching session made even the silent one comment eh?

    Suruchi...Aging gracefully is a privilege denied to many :)

    ReplyDelete
  32. Oldfox...Ohh.. she has assistants hold trays of jewelery for her so that Madam can pick and choose her baubles.

    And the all that gold is getting wasted on her ;)

    Raj...Why is it that you are wearing such a sedate color in your profile pic?

    Rohit...He he ...that was such a relief.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Rachit...Point taken :D

    SUB...Eggjactly...where the hell are the nimbus clouds?

    Shweta...I knowww...and I am looking forward to reading bitchier comments.

    Giribala...And a health hazard too with her diabetes inducing smile.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Purba,

    Could not visit for a while and there are a number of posts to read. I will be back tomorrow to do so.

    Take care

    ReplyDelete
  35. My my....this is some post! Love the bitching;) One doubt though... Why left out Kangana and her plastic factory?:P LOL on the curtains comment on Shahnaz. She made millions feeding on poor dusky womens' fair and lovely dreams...

    ReplyDelete
  36. Hehe. Shehnaz needs her own beauty treatment stuff more than we do. Or maybe she simply wants the world to undergo the same fate her products have bestowed on her.

    Here's something that might interest you and your readers. Do spread the good news:-

    http://the-bloggeratti.blogspot.com/2011/07/bloggerattis-wet-in-rain-contest.html

    Cheers
    CRD

    ReplyDelete
  37. Please. Can someone pleeasee tell me why Shahnaz Husain products are so sought after? I DON'T want to look like that!

    ReplyDelete
  38. i just luvvved the post...refreshing take on so called celebs hogging the limelight these days.....i absolutely luved ur take on "buddha hoga tera baap n jalebi bai":)

    ReplyDelete
  39. Jack...Looking forward to your comments:)

    Cloud Nine... Hey Kangy excels in loony bin roles - especially love the way she she says ...You busturrd

    CRD...I love that logic...Come let make you as ugly as I am

    She should hire us in her marketing team :P

    And will share the contest details on my FB page and Twitter account :)

    ReplyDelete
  40. Pzes....Her tacky packaging is a big turn off...Never ventured beyond her Kajal stick.

    Nivi...Aww thanks. Most of our celebrities are stuck in a time warp :(

    ReplyDelete
  41. Thinking about all this characters, how about an item number with Big B, Jr B along with Malli Bai with hair and costume styling by Shenaz "the show-naaz" hussein singing in Ash Ice bahu's baby shower ! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  42. Lakshmi, you are a riot...you have no right to be funnier than me.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Hi
    Congratulations! The Directory of Best Indian Blogs is out and your nice blog figures in that. We thought, let's announce that to you.
    Since all blogs do not have emails clearly mentioned, we have taken the liberty of telling you of this by making a comment on your latest blogpost. Hope, you don't mind it.
    Happy blogging!

    ITB team

    ReplyDelete
  44. Woah! Congratulations for making it once again, Purba!! :D

    And Lakshmi: That is hilarious!! :D

    ReplyDelete
  45. IndianTopBlogs ->Honoured....

    Carpe Diem...Thanks :)

    Priyanka....And his shirts as well?

    ReplyDelete
  46. Exactly the kind of post I needed to read to make me feel better! (am on bedrest :( )
    I really do not understand the cause of all the unnecessary attention, adulation and recognition that this so-called "first family of B'wood" gets...it just fails me! They belong more in a zoo...rather a circus.
    Elder AB would go to any extent to prove that "abhi toh main jawan hun"...and then puts on a facade of a thorough gentleman, all-decency-no-frivolity. The younger AB doesn't tire of delivering disgusting performances in ghastly and declared-a-flop-even-before-the-release kinda movies.
    And what to say of our lady of plastic! Marrying AB Jr. just sealed the deal on her already downward-spiraling career. Nothing else do I find worth mentioning about her.:-/
    As for the erstwhile Ms. Reema Lamba (who, I've heard, might as well have been a married woman prior to her foray into films..oops..I mean public-jalebi-making), let her at least earn some appreciation doing what she's more suited for.
    And Hussain sahiba...God knows why she sports the look she should be endorsing as the look the poor gullible women have, before using her products. Someone please lend her some civic sense, as well as some free marketing advice.

    I seldom find myself writing such detailed comments on any blog post. Great expression, amazing sense of humor, and awesome use of sarcasm. Great post Purba ma'am!

    http://www.welcometomyparadise-angel.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  47. Purba,

    They says Truth is Bitter. You proved it. Need a lawyer?

    Take care

    ReplyDelete
  48. Purba,

    Oh! I forgot to say, left comments on previous 4 posts too as I finally caught up with all pending posts.

    Take care

    ReplyDelete
  49. at your bitchiest best!!

    lovely!!

    ReplyDelete
  50. I would object to ur take on shehnaz khan. I love people with great hair...as i am personally fighting baldness
    IThe movie Hiss cured me off my crush on sherawat. I would prescribe it to any one who has the problem of high sexual urge

    ReplyDelete
  51. Awesome article! Art of making fun, huh. I truly enjoyed it. Especially loved the Shahnaz Hussain's one. :)

    ReplyDelete
  52. Mahima...The family should endorse fevicol (they are always stuck together with their smile intact) Thank God they got rid of Amar Singh!

    And get well soon, will be visiting your link in a while.

    Jack..Are you volunteering?

    magiceye...Yupp...time to sharpen those talons.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Jon...Dear God, are you visiting one of her salons?

    LOL@ Hiss

    Harsha...Muchos thanks...

    ReplyDelete
  54. Purba,

    No, I am not one and hope it does not come to that. However I do know some good ones.

    Take care

    ReplyDelete
  55. And Purba, No replies on nose with clip and memory loss ones?

    Take care

    ReplyDelete
  56. So sorry Jack...I completely missed those comments. Appreciate your taking time and commenting on all my posts :))

    ReplyDelete
  57. But summer's over, Purba and you don't have to take in any of these suggestions. ;-)

    But, seriously speaking, this is a ROFL post. I loved it.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Awesome wit! You are gifted :)

    Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  59. It's rainy season already, right? It rains here often and I'm liking it. :)

    And Mallika got new offers in hollywood? That's sad... :(

    And the lady who comes in fair-ever ad looks really scary. Ikta Kapoor's style sense looks wonderful in front of this lady, doesn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  60. Sudha...Maybe for Bangalore...Delhi is still sweltering.

    Dilip...Humbled.

    Nethra..Not in Delhi :(

    LOL...so true she makes Ekta Kapoor look like a fashionista.

    ReplyDelete
  61. How we love to hate our celebrities! Loved it!

    ReplyDelete
  62. At your Best...like always:)
    Loved every bit of it esp plastic statement and Shahnaz; I've always wondered how come ppl buy her products since she herself does negative marketing with her looks!
    But I do like Big B & his acting:)

    LUW ur posts:)))

    ReplyDelete
  63. Richa...I love you...like I hate you :P

    Deepa....Flattered and thanks a ton.

    ReplyDelete
  64. hahaa miss sherawat a high grasshopper! Hilarious is the thought of it :D :D
    I know, why on earth does shahnaz hussain dress is an manner that's so unearthly in the ghostly sense!

    ReplyDelete
  65. Hey Purba , I love the way you put things. Am generally not that much of a reader , and it takes me time to like someone's style . But yours I loved it as soon as I started reading , you blend the enough amounts of everything to keep people entertained. :) Am so glad am following you. Am new to blogging . So I would love it if someone like you could give me a review on my blog - www.anjli2192.blogspot.com . Plz guide me through. :)

    Luv, Anjali.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Actually I'm this mentally-affected fan:P Family of them.. So I tend to agree with anything he says..
    But I agree that fluorescent colors DO make one go #ohmyeyesmyeyes :D

    ReplyDelete
  67. Ambika.....She needs a burqa ASAP.

    anjli....Thank you for following me :) Will be visiting your link soon.

    Priyanka....Hahahaah

    ReplyDelete
  68. This post is a killer, new terms 'superstarni' hehehehehhe, how did you create that one? Spare a thought for the Saas though, I think poor Jaya B got a raw deal in life....

    ReplyDelete
  69. I mean it is a miracle that despite being wedded to a procession of trees and cows, she has managed to conceive the inconceivable. - ROFLMAO you're soooo bang on. I pity myself for reading this post so late.

    ReplyDelete
  70. Also thanks for letting me know about Shehnaz Hussain, I'm NOT buying any more products from her brand and helping her diameter increase any further.

    ReplyDelete
  71. Vikram....Ahh she has UP and Mulayam for solace.

    Samadrita...Kol women have a special fascination for her products :P

    ReplyDelete
  72. Waiting for ur next post on bitching about celebrities.. Also curious why you find the bachchan family weird.. I also find the family weird, but wanna read it with your sarcasm and humour... A request..

    ReplyDelete

Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...