Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Not tonight Darling...

She was stooped over the newspaper sipping her morning tea, when she let a loud whoop of delight.  The about to poop pigeon look startled and made a crashing exit from the balcony, leaving behind a dozen feathers as keepsake. The floating feathers found their way to Suvo’s tea.   Oops you got free garnishing and gave him her toothiest smile.  Riya had read somewhere that a smile is a curve that sets everything straight.  It didn’t work this time. 

As she walked around the house, Riya had to make sure her feet were touching the ground.  She felt as if she was levitating.  How could she not, the usually depressing papers had finally managed to publish something that had uncomplicated her life.  Her heart was singing so loud that she had to put it on mute.  Goodbye Saridon, goodbye yawns....

When Suvo came out of the shower, she looked deep into his eyes and cooed I know what you have been missing, baby and gave him a tight hug.  Don’t worry Mr Cuddlemore, you will never feel sad again!  Suvo looked puzzled but decided to keep his mouth shut.  It must be one of those days he thought.

In another part of the town Ram Ishwar Paswan(RIP) - CEO, Banyan Pharma read the same piece of news with a chill running down his heart.  What bullshit! If it is women who prefer sex, while men are happy with just a cuddle, who the hell will buy Saridon?  Is Disprin on its way to the graveyard?  Sheila Darling, I think we will have to cancel our trip to Lake Como.  RIP didn’t wait to hear Sheila’s anguished why as he rushed out of the house for an emergency meeting.

It was late in the evening.  The Pub was spilling with women and it was not even ladies night.  The air was rent with the sounds of their excited chatter.  The men for some strange reason were not their raucous self, rather they were looking a little subdued, a little off-colour.  AHA (Antiquated Husband Association) was huddled in a corner for their monthly meet and speaking in urgent, hushed tones. Ever since their well kept secret was splashed all over the papers, they are a worried lot.  And quite rightfully so - now that it has been proved that in a long term relationship it is women who seek sex while men are happy with just a cuddle and a kiss, their reputation is in jeopardy. Do you realize how lame we’ll look!  Our wives will treat us no better than their Teddy Bears.  And to make it worse, these stupid scientists are now claiming that the real purpose of sex is to fight parasites.  Now that sex is no longer pointless, our life is at grave risk.  We will now have to fight off our wives while they seek us to kill parasites.

It was rather late when Suvo got back home from the Pub.  He could hear Riya sing...Come on baby light my fire in a strange husky voice. She sounded odd, very, very odd.  As he gingerly pushed open the door, he walked in to their room bathed in the soft flames of the flickering candles.  Suvo’s heart was beating a little louder now.  Dear God!  It looks like she finally got rid of her headache.  It has been such a long day, I am so tired.  He was almost sounding like Riya now.  Sweetheart he managed to croak-I forgot something in the car. I’ll be back in five minutes.  

Just as the chemist was about to shut shop, he heard the sound of running feet.  Surprised, he turned around to face a profusely sweating Suvo.  Can I have a strip of Saridon please?  No, make that 10, I will be needing a month’s supply...

Riya sighed in relief as she blew off the candles...Bye-bye guilt she murmured as she pulled the covers over her.

Sheila just got her vacation back.  Not tonight darling, I have a headache changed its gender.

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  1. Where did you read that report?
    So it kills parasites, eh. Is that the new treatment for Delhi Belly?
    And now when Men will get headaches, finding a permanent cure for it will become national priority :P Cancer, HIV be damned

  2. Its high time the cliche changed gender......anyway there are hazaar other believable excuses.

    A refreshing different post this time.

  3. MIDDAY right?! Haa only they can come up with this and other news like ''Blond waitresses with big boobs gets better tips''. These people are jobless.

    Now that sex is pointless, our life is at risk...haahahhaha tht was nice!

  4. Disprin is an obsolete now and Saradon is the new disprin.
    Jhalmuri Times is always refreshing.

  5. Seems like a lot of cliche are getting wiped out or rectified these days. I think there is quite some true in the study ...

  6. I dint get it :(
    men-women-saridon-making out-headaches switching places.
    *blank*, *wide-eyed-stare*

  7. ahahha lovely post! very refreshing to read !

  8. Every time you have something new and beautiful!!

    Loved the last line! Not tonight darling, I have a headache changed its gender!!!

  9. :D Hilarious!

    I've always wondered who these people are, who have all the time in the world for such useless research.

    Loved this post! :)

  10. Prats...Actually we women prefer it that way.

    Alka...And it was fun writing it.

    Red Handed...Umm not Mid Day, read it in TOI/Mail Today/Indian Express :))

  11. Prateek...Oops I wouldn't know, never taken medicine for my headaches :)

    Rituparna...Ooh I like that :p

    Karthick...Guess we"ll have to wait for you to grow up.

  12. Ram Pyari...Glad you liked.

    Cindrella....It was fun imagining men complaining of headache :)

    Spaceman Spiff...Exactly. who are they!!!!

  13. @Purba: Ah! What a shame. I get the context. But still there are some doubt areas. Anyways, will run a search query in Google about the study :D

  14. Lol..seems the world is truly turning Upside down :)

  15. LOL!!! Really funny read, Purba! In that case, i may need a year's supply of saridon:P

  16. Haha. Okay. Hahahahahahaha. Such a nice way of putting this down though. Sigh. Times really are changing.

  17. geeee!! Good to see them on the other side of the fence :D

    Can they have menses too? Pleease at least in fictional world!!

  18. Karthick...There are some questions that even Google can't answer :)

    Peenuts...What fun no?

    cloudnine...Umm why?? Hugging doesn't give headaches!

  19. lol! One of the most hillarious posts I have read so far! :P he he..

  20. Zeba...For the better?

    Priyanka...She is one smart cookie :p

    Smita...Someone did think of that and wrote this brilliant piece ...If men could menstruate

    (Its a must must read)

  21. Somewhere in an alternate Universe (where newspaper articles like these are gospel)....

    "Where are you off to, honey, this late at night?"

    "Out to kill parasites, dear. There's too many of 'em out there!", replies the Pest Control Guy, dabbing on aftershave as he walks out the door.

  22. @Purba - fun!!cant say..infact dont even waanna think abt it :)

  23. Ahem...

    When was this article published. I want my gal to read it ;)


  24. LOL, so when the researchers thought that they'd help the males with easy love with their wives, the side effects of Saridon are showing up even before the day is done. :P

    Nice speculation, but I wonder how it'd help. Is that the men who've been framed in infidelity were never at fault? Was it the woman who first felt the urge, and then realized, "Oops sorry, wrong guy" ?

    Blasphemous Aesthete

  25. Rindo....Now, now aren't we getting too many ideas :p

    Peenut...I wish I had written it.

    CRD....You can share this link with her

  26. That was a nice one.Meanwhile Saridon still gets a steady market. :D :D

  27. Anshul...Feels good to think of the unfaithful as discards :)

    Rachit....And where do I get fodder for my posts eh?

    Blue Lotus...Now 15x stronger and bigger :p

  28. Good one Purba..Dr.Levi morgan the scientist behind the research said that we should thank the parasites for the very existence of sex in our lives and also that,while studying the nematode they found that it can self-fertilize but also keeps some males around to have sex and males in this species were just evolutionary relics.He said,
    "Being a male I think deep down I wanted some evolutionary justification for the existence of males."
    Now THAT is interesting!!

  29. Is there a cure out yet :)

    My oh my always an eyeopener coming and reading your articles .. my knowledge leaps no bounds ..


  30. Sharmila...Ha! men can sigh in relief now - now that they have a justification for their existence. We wouldn't want them to go obsolete, would we?

    Bikram....Cure for cuddle seeking men?
    And glad to be of assistance.

  31. Wow! Great take! Liked it very much. When i read that head line, I thought...ha ha another mustardpiece from TOI!

  32. when I read that news item, I knew Jhalmuri Times would come out with something on it :) Wasn't I right? It made me smile to think the male of the species running for cover :D

  33. I heard this one the radio..and i too was like..damn! dont they have any better surveys to do :/
    and a greater problem is that most of the people (specially d ladies) will take it to heart...God save us!
    a great post as always by d way :)


  34. lol "We will now have to fight off our wives while they seek us to kill parasites."..where did u get that from?..i don't mind a bit of hygiene...
    BTW... i do not remember when was the last time i had an headache...

  35. Ha Ha Purba , we love our men too much now don't we:D

  36. whooohooo...amazingly well written post Purba-just when I was almost convinced that guys made better writers here at blogosphere than women-you n Alka send the entire theory for a spin..just like the papers did here in the post:-)

    i too remember reading this is the newspaper but didn't give it a second thought considering it almost impossible-but this is hilarious.

    i first thought it was a fiction post-but when i started reading i found myself smiling n the end coming too soon:-)

    sharing it on fb:-)

  37. Giribala...Not just TOI :)

    Zephyr...It's time for reversal of roles :p

    sarah...You mean they will start marauding men?

  38. SUB...You have to be a member of AHA first :)

    Sharmila...Too much for our own good :p

    Suruchi...You should read Cyber Nag too, she is fantastically good.

    And thanks for sharing.

  39. headache changing gender ---Goood.

  40. very very interesting....hadn't read it in the news though!
    this fiction inside news combo is really cool:)

  41. i see that ur blog has got this whole new zappy look...i like it!

  42. :) nice read!
    smita, if TOI some day publishes any study in the area u mentioned, we now know who prayed for it - you are marked :D

  43. Interesting read, Purba!!!
    Everytime I come here, I get to read something really really different...& this is quite 'exciting':)

  44. LOL That's a brilliant response to that article! I remember reading the headline...

  45. The role reversal kinda thrills me....

  46. Nice read! Enjoyed it a lot. I do wonder however, about the origins of stereotypes:

    1- Men always say "not tonight darling"
    2- Women are bad drivers/ navigators

    Loved the flow and the play of words!

  47. oh..this was ultimate.. enjoyed it a lot :)

  48. Okay, so thhhis was the premise! And I like your response to it! I remember someone mentioning this article at office, hadn't got time to discuss it though ;-)

  49. Jagdish...Why should women have all the fun?

    Oldfox...Fact and fiction always make a good combo.

    Glad you like the new look :)

    Sawan...She knows not what she wished for :D

  50. deepa...Scientists are never short of "exciting" research :)

    IHM...I was quite happy reading it and had to share it on my blog.

    aneeta...Ahh we can only wait..

  51. Rohit...We didn't start the was always burning, since the world was turning :)

    Pytho...Thank you

    Ambika..Now you can discuss with examples :p

  52. Trust Purba di to read all kinds of weird survey/research results and keep you informed. :P
    Well write more stories like this one please. I liked it a lot.

  53. Wonderfully written. The piece was hilarious :) It made me smile... I read this article in TOI and I did not take it seriously. Actually I have doubts about all the articles in TOI that start with "A study in blah blah has shown that....... ". I wonder who finances such "studies"

  54. Funny, isn't it, how scientists define and control our behaviour - if they do indeed! When I read that report which you are referring to, I thought it was quite ridiculous. You've woven a good tale round it.

  55. would be so dull otherwise..

    This is not the first time I have written such a post...Read this one when you get time...

    thebrokennib...Let's conduct a research on that - who the hell finances such studies!!

    matheikal...Glad you liked it.

  56. Recently I came across an "educated" Indian person who has no idea what gender stereotyping is !

    Very well written. :)

  57. Purba,

    I read that in newspapers but you make it much more interesting. LOL.

    Take care

  58. We Cognize....Did you meet him/her in a well :p

    Jack....HA! glad you found it interesting.


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