Wednesday, July 6, 2011

This one stinks

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Revolutions with fancy names and noble intent are sweeping through the word.  Jasmine revolution forced out Presidency in Tunisia and set the impetus for Arab spring - a bloody struggle to overthrow autocratic regimes.  The world as we see, it is poised for a change regardless of unwilling dictators.

India too has been seized with a revolutionary fervour.  Just when we were thinking that fasting is the prerogative of Bollywood starlets and anorexic models, an old man came and shook our age old perceptions.  He also managed to shake the government and had them scurrying like startled rats.

In this battle between David and Goliath we all overlooked a subtle change steadily creeping into our society.  Is it really a revolution or just a passing phase – only time will tell.  But this outpouring of a different kind is raising quite a stink.   For the time being let’s call it the Yellow Revolution. 

If you are still wondering what I’m talking about, let me give you a hint – it makes you wish your nose didn’t exist...adolescent boys love cracking jokes about it...Japan is obsessed with it... Yes, it is none other than your very own poop! 

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Travel to Japan and you will undoubtedly run into any of a number of turd shaped products.  From a golden poop cell phone charm to poop stickers to poop children's toys to poop hats to poop candy. Why they even have poop anime – Unko -San!  Poop is cute in Japan.   And as if this wasn’t weird enough, the Japs will soon be coming up with the all new poop burger!  Before you run off to throw up in your Mum’s favourite fruit bowl, let me assure you it is not the real thing.   A Japanese scientist discovered that Tokyo’s sewage is full of protein, thanks to all the bacteria embedded in its sludge.  Apparently, with the addition of a little soy protein, it tastes like real meat, sort of what you get at your local Dhaba!  And it is plausible that despite your aik thooo reaction, you might be compelled to partake this delicacy in a future where population boom will equal food shortage.  

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Growing up in a country that has a special affinity to droppings from bovine behinds, this shouldn’t be too shocking, right?   We in India are used to a lot of bullshit and take pride in displaying it on busy roads for the benefit of wide-eyed tourists.  How often have you come across an active bovine posterior and not feared for your dear life? I am proud to be part of a nation where men, dog, birds, cows and cats can shit without a care in the world.  Didn’t someone wise say.... At the end of the day, all anyone ever really needs is a safe place to poop. 


But the fact is Japan is a late comer.  It is we who are pioneers in waste-management.  A late Prime Minister threw Coca Cola out of the country and took to drinking his own pee.  Many decades later a famous beverage brand is following his illustrious example and has designed an aerated drink that uncannily looks like Desai’s favourite drink.    Remember, darr ke age jeet hai.....

If Morarjee Bhai preferred pee over tea, our contemporary artistes have gone a step ahead and are moulding sweat, urine, tears and deer faeces into works of art.  Prashant Pandey painstakingly collected his own urine, sweat and tears for nearly nine months and turned it into a shiny, smelly sculpture that visitors at Mumbai’s Gallery, Maskara were tempted to touch – until they were told its origin.  

If the Japanese and the Koreans are content with their juvenile poop fantasies, we in India proudly convert bodily waste into priceless works of art.  

Now do you realize what an evolved nation we are!

Even the celluloid world has woken up to its charms.  It all started with Slumdog Millionare, where the child protagonist took the smelly route to meet his favourite superstar (he jumped in a pool of waste).   We screamed Jai Ho in unison because it was our piggyback ride to the Oscars.  A certain Ms Padukone had the whole nation swaying to Oonche se Oonche bandaa, potty pe baithe nangaa, dum maro dummmm....  Imagine turning the ablutions of the high and mighty into a hit song!

And before we could exclaim Oh Shit in response to these crappy outpourings on silver screen, there comes a baap of a movie-Delhi Belly, whose tagline reads “Shit Happens”.  Not just shit, a lot of shit happens. Imagine a movie whose main protagonist is someone’s loosies!  Diarrhoea was never this fun..... And ever since the movie released, orange juice makers are rubbing their hands in glee.  Now that they’ve got a new marketing idea thanks to Delhi Belly, orange juice will never be the same again.

Recently I read that Australia is planning to kill wild camels because they think their excessive farting is causing global warming.  Shame on you mate!  Had it been India, the dromedaries would have been promptly signed for Dhoom-3.   Now that Uday Chopra has announced his retirement, YRF is desperately looking for an apt replacement.    

And as such India is teeming with people full of gas, so what’s a few extra-flatulent dromedaries! 

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51 comments:

  1. 1) You finally did write the post on poo. Now how about "10 Ways to Keep the Poo Coming" The one that we discussed.
    2) New tag line for Orange Juice "100% Real 100% Organic. Suitable for both ends" or "Helps ends meet" or "Contains Real Pulp for that Scrub Effect"....etc etc
    3) Japs have a poo fetish? And is the talk about the "Turd Sandwich" real?
    4) Err...you go to local Dhabas to eat meat?
    5) Finally, you made fun of Japs and Koreans and Anime. You realize what you have done? Sam will come now. And her fury will be all consuming. Must Nuke Kolkata. Only chance we have to stop her.

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  2. wowww ... gross !! but still pretty informative !! :)

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  3. Ha ha! As a nation we are becoming a great role model on poop management. are we?

    And where else do we have so much freedom to poop anywhere and whatever we do with it (or others do with it) is none of anyone's business!! lol

    Cool post again!! and you have really given a nip to so many spheres of society through a tinge of humour!

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  4. Shit-take mushrooms, anyone?

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  5. ROFL, wonderful post and now I know why Purba Ray commands respect in the blogger world!

    I don't know whether to be disgusted or amazed at Prasanth Pandey! :D

    And the Japanese love poop. Yew. And I thought I'd heard and read everything there is to know about them. Ugh.

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  6. This information are like simple to learn more message to this website and also getting the wonderful information through your blog.

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  7. Farting camels and Uday Chopra....that is some imagination. After Delhi Belly... shit is a hit.

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  8. Recently we heard of shoes being hurled at people whom someone found apt, like Obama, Chidambaram, Ramdev, why do I forsee a substitute for the shoe in the coming future, given the fact that shit is becoming more popular than the 2012 scare. Wait, 2012 could be related to poop too? OMG :D

    Witty post.

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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  9. Now I won't be able to drink orange juice or Dew again!

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  10. "Chopra has announced his retirement, YRF is desperately looking for an apt replacement."-lol..cudnt stop laughing :)

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  11. ha ha ...purba express ..i must be reading your first login after your trip or have i missed one anyways ...nice to read again..and btw i wonder how did you come about this theme...great..is MCD listening.

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  12. shitty post...but i loved it...shit happens...it is when it doesn't that we are in real shit...

    Cheers!
    SUB

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  13. Oh my! I was buried neck deep in shit reading the post! ROFL!!! Such a fun post, we still use cow dung as fuel in rural areas;) May be we could find petrol from poop:P

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  14. And, after all the energy can never be created nor be destroyed, it just gets poo :P

    And bovines are our tradition, we must respect them, I hardly find any snake charmers now in India except Shiv Mandirs, once who used to be the iconic of the great India.

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  15. The Japs are a creative lot, but their fixation for Poo is certainly hilarious. Wonder, how they react when touring India, where as we all know, peeing and taking a dump in public places are quite common.

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  16. being a fan...i got to say...i am a bit disappointed...the posts in recent times do seem a bit jumbled and muddy...loads of information...but not really fun to read...hope to see the old Purba back...

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  17. what a well researched post-and as if the fun in the entirety was not enough...the last few lines took the cake:-)

    shit!this was a good post:-)

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  18. Prats...LMAO...Loved your marketing ideas for the ubiquitous orange juice. And I'm sure Sam the Japanophile will understand :)

    the.orchestra.of.life...It's supposed to be a satirical piece.

    Cinderella....The inspiration was Delhi Belly :D

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  19. Say oh-shit when it rains and you don't have an umbrella, and you step on cow pee! Witty post Purba :D

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  20. Karthikay...LMAO

    Priyanka...The Japs never outgrew their adolescent fascination for all things gross.

    Alka..Hehe...Hope Chopra Jr doesn't sue me :p

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  21. Anshul....Puhleez....as if rotten eggs and tomatoes were not bad enough!

    Ajay...Oops...I apologize

    Peenuts...He he

    RK ...The credit goes to Delhi Belly - I just loved that movie.

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  22. SUB...Hmm..Shit happens yet we choose to ignore it :(

    Cloud Nine...This is one resource we have in plenty...is someone listening???

    Rachit...I am glad we have moved beyond snake charmers and elephants :)

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  23. Gautam...They will go clickety click as usual and errupt with joy :D

    Abhijit...Sorry to disappoint you.

    Suruchi...Concluding a write-up is always a challenge :)

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  24. Yucky and also phunny
    and +1 on Uday chopra.. :D

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  25. hii!

    i loved every bit of this very interesting post!

    yes, the definition of art has changes, but is beyond my comprehension. yes, farting is the fav pastime of entire nation..heheheh!!!

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  26. Ambika...What about Dog poop? I could write a book on it!

    Karthick...Hehe...Poor sod was trending on Twitter for all the wrong reasons.

    AS...I blame Rajmah and Chhole :)

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  27. Eww Eww and Eww! But whatay wonderful post, now I'm 100 times more knowledgeable about poo and its benefits. Well I knew about the Jap and Korean fetish for poo though. I mean if you watch a couple of their dramas, fart jokes are extremely common over there. Ugh!

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  28. Shit happens and shit sells. Shit is also useful, as our own Dr.Pathak would explain. Only it is not for a fetish or novelty. For a developing country like India recycling human and bovine waste makes sense as I had written in Cash for Crap.

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  29. What a load of Shit! :)

    I thought we should be used to the fact that we hop skip and jump to avoid blotches of Dung on the road. Why raise eyebrows about Japan?! :)

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  30. Samadrita...And Prateek had convinced me that you would come charging at me for ridiculing the Japanese fetish for poop :)

    Zephyr...It was one of the first posts I had read after I got back after my longish break :)

    Pzes...At least we don't have cow-dung shaped pendants and charms!

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  31. Purba: We moved ahead, yeah.. quite really, now the same snake charmers work under MNERGA scheme working effortlessly breaking stones and making roads. I'm not against the development but try to bring on the best out of a person, evolve his creativity with latest tools instead giving him a hammer and a Rs100 note.

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  32. Hahahahaha!
    This post is awesome! :)
    Especially the Uday Chopra end to it! :D

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  33. Hahahahaha!
    This post is awesome! :)
    Especially the Uday Chopra end to it! :D

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  34. You can write about nething n everything..desi seinfeld ur :)

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  35. Gross! But someone has to write about it :-|

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  36. So I'm not the only one who found Mountain Dew suspicious..And Japs & Koreans like poop? *heartbroken rushes to the sink*
    If Aussies are doing that to the poor camels I shudder to think of what would happen to some Aunts & Uncles of mine who are notorious for their air polluting habits..
    Excellent post..loved reading it..informative & humour( and poop) laden :P

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  37. ...toiled hard with my urine, sweat and tears...whatever happened to the good old blood,sweat and tears? Prashant, eh?

    God save us from the Japanese!

    Nice 'stinky' read..n can i say 'well-shitten' ;)

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  38. Rachit...Is holding a snake captive and making it perform against it's will creative? But agree that our Rural Employment program can do better than this :)

    Vishant...Glad you liked it

    Ana-treek...The toughest part is convincing myself :p

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  39. Giribala..:)

    Rinaya...Ahh..I finally got her to comment. And you are a Japanophile too??

    Just ask your Aunts and Uncles to stay away from Australia :)

    Oldfox..Why would a pretty girl like you chose a moniker -Oldfox? I am really curious to know.

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  40. OMG ! Laughed thro' ur post ... awesome :)

    I am new here and absolutely love ur space.. and following u for more wonderful creation of urs..

    Do visit me as time permits
    http://comeletseat.blogspot.com

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  41. :) reads like a chapter out of Ripley's!

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  42. haha..Purba..that's quite a topic..specially liked the Dhoom3 part.
    ---
    A closely linked topic would be the pee one..the India-wide'permitted'phenomenon.:)

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  43. Arif....Thanks for following me. Will be visiting your link soon:)

    magiceye...And did you Believe it or not?

    Amit...LOL no...I've had enough of poop and pee.

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  44. I felt pukish while reading it, but dunno why I read it till the end... its the poop effect ! :P

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  45. You are hilarious! A very well researched and witty piece of writing. Haven`t smiled this much in a long while. God Bless :)

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  46. Shashank...I hope you were no where near your Mum's fave fruit bowl?

    Pandora's box...Aww thanks so much!

    Nona...:))

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  47. Purba - you have a unique style of writing. LOL - hilarious post:))

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  48. Purba,

    I do not know whether to laugh or put my head down into my hands. On one hand you give information of what research is being done in Japan and in the same breath you highlight what goes on in our great nation. Well, a thought provoking post overall.

    Take care

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  49. sajeev...Thank you :)

    Jack....As long as it didn't make you squirm :)

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