Thursday, September 1, 2011

An Indecent Proposal

A bizarre photograph album filled page to page with pictures of Condoleezza Rice has been found at the compound of Colonel Gaddafi.  As citizens ransacked the sprawling lair, for the first time discovering the extent of riches enjoyed by their bloodthirsty tyrant, a number of unusual items have been looted. Perhaps the most surprising, however, was the album, filled with glossy pictures of America's former Secretary of State.

Since I happen to have contacts in low places – my friendly but stinky courier chap arranged a stopover for Gaddafi’s pet pigeon in my balcony in Gurgaon, before it flew off to distant America. Attached to its gold plated leg was a letter – not just any letter but Gaddafi’s declaration of love for his beloved. I publish it verbatim for my readers.

Salaam my lovely Leezza,

As I was fleeing in the dead of the night for my dear life, I had crocodile tears in my eyes for my Condom-leezza, I was leaving behind.  Not the real Leezza but my scrapbook of her pictures that I had lovingly collected over the years.  

Actually I needn’t have scuttled like a startled rat.  I know I am invincible, Allah has sent me to the world with a life time warranty.  But why tempt God?  To make sure I don’t leave for hell in a hurry, I took my platoon of Killer beauties to protect me.   

I need to exist for my people – I am their God who will lead them to the path to salvation. So what, if I had to torture and kill a few of them - which father does not spank his child when he goes astray? And haven’t I always said Obeying parents is more important than doing what they say.  The misguided sods were claiming to be rebels but in reality they were drugged kids.  Al-Qaeda operatives gave them pills at night, they put hallucinatory pills in their drinks, their milk, their coffee, their Nescafe.

It was a conspiracy to bring down the greatest man alive. Yet the greatest man lives just for his Condom-leezza.

Don’t lose your sleep over me, my darling black woman, I will not close my eyes till I have planted a wet kiss on your thick black lips.  But girl you have been very-very naughty – you have given your love sick admirer many a sleepless night. I have woken up in my sweat soaked clothes, screaming your name.   I have always admired my darling black woman who leaned back and gave orders to Arab leaders.  Leezza, Leezza, Leezza. ... I have always loved you so very much.

 Since you will be soon in my strong arms, it’s time I let you in my chamber of secrets.  I have often fantasized about my African woman, sitting on a chair with a whip in her hand, punishing all the wicked leaders of the world.  Heheheh…what fun!

There was another African woman from your despotic country, Bouncy Knowles.  She had come to perform for my son Hannibal.  She was pretty and sang how bootylicious she was, but she was not even close to my Condo Rice. 

But I have to tell you this, your leader is foolish.  I had written to our dear son, Excellency, Baraka Hussein Abu Oumama - Your intervention in the name of the USA is a must, so that Nato would withdraw finally from the Libyan affair.  Alas he was too busy taking care of his report card.  I read his grades fell down from AAA to AA.  Had he got a timely spanking he would never have let his people and Gaddafi the Great down.

But I gave the driver of my plane thirty lashings! The bloody fool was supposed to take me to Silvy Burly-scone’s Bunga Bunga party and he took me instead to a strange land by the name of Paschim Banga.  Instead of playing hide and seek with underage girls in their underwear, I spent the day staring at posters of a moon faced woman, wrapped in a white chador and wearing bathroom slippers.  Despite being so poor she looked so happy!  I should have invited her to Tripoli and she would have died of jealousy.  

Darling Leezza, you will have to bear a few more months of separation before I swoop down on your nest.  I will loaf around in Algeria for a bit.  Mugabe has promised me an all paid vacation as his unique guest and Put-it-in has invited me to Russia to catch fish with him.  I promise I will not touch any Russian woman even though they look like hoors from Jannat.  You know how much I respect women – don’t you?  Haven’t I always said A woman has a right to run for election, whether she is male or female.  And women, like men, are human beings. This is an incontestable truth.

Last time when we met, I gave you a diamond ring, a lute and a locket with my beautiful profile engraved on it. I know diamonds are a girls’ best friend and this time I will floor you with a spectacular gift – an entire planet made of diamonds!! Can there be a better gift for my African woman who has ruled my heart for years.  I have already strapped my slave to a missile who will pluck it from the Milky Way just for my Malika.

And then the Colonel will get down on his arthritic knees and say Habiba will you be my third wife?  A virile young fatan (man) of 69 and a gorgeous untha (woman) of 56 – we will be even greater than Will-Kat.  Sixty nine is a good age and such an exciting position.  You aggressive – me more aggressive – By God together we will create pyrotechnics.  And when there’s no electricity, you and I will snuggle on your couch and watch Gossip Girl on TV.  

There are inevitable cycles of social history: the yellow race’s domination of the world, when it came from Asia, and the white race’s attempts at colonizing extensive areas of all continents of the world. Now, it is the turn of the black race to prevail in the world.  Can there be better representatives than us? My lovely Anaconda, you and I will be more potent than AIDS.   A viral Arab and a menacing black woman – Allah! what a pair we will make.   Me the Malik with his Malika of hearts – together we will rule the world till I die, or until the end of time till God allows me to live.   

Alhamdulillah.....Libya was too small for me anyway!

You pining lover
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  1. Plant a kiss on your lovely thick black lips...pwahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
    True! Libya was verry verrry small for him. How ou think such naughty naughty stuffs my louly lady!
    Loved reading this!

  2. Hehehe...cheeky, quite cheeky.
    But for God's sake, WHY GOSSIP GIRL? And what the hell is it anyway? (The name sounds terrifying)

  3. Hats off to your imagination and flight of fantacy...I am sure Gaddafi will have a heart attack before US troops lay their hands on him, if he reads this

  4. ROTFL..Loved it.Such a beautiful love letter.How do you mix sarcasm and wit so well?

  5. For once I have one thing and only one thing to say:


  6. hahahaha..what , i mean WHAT ... a love letter ...the beholder is sure to go into a swoon later, into fits of laughter first :D

  7. I bet if he reads this you have a admirer and am sure you will have a job of script writing for him :)
    he he he he

    had a good laugh reading this ...


  8. God this is a laugh riot ! I was waiting for you to come up with some comment on Paschim Banga :)

  9. U r just getting better and better at this :)
    May God bless poor 'Condom-Leeza' :P ROFL

  10. oh my goodness.. this is hilarious.
    But Obama's scores went down to AA+ actually. :-p

    Of all people Leezza??? Italian crazy man(I dont know how to spell his name) had taste than this man :-p

  11. Red Handed...Gaddafi's crush on Condollezza was an inspiration for my wicked side to come alive :D

    Snow Leopard...It's a must watch especially for you.

    Rahul.. Of course not, he"ll be thrilled to bits. Why, he might even forward it to Rice.

  12. Blue Lotus..I try, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

    Kartikay...Arre!! why?

    A grain of said... You won't be amused with what I did to her name :p

  13. Bikram...Are you trying to scare me?? He is evil incarnate.


    Ruchira..What's in a name? But it's a good climb from W to P :)

  14. Peenuts...Ever since I read about this bizarre one sided love story, I have been dying to write about it.

    Bhawna...Oops... Obama might get mad at me.

  15. Haha.. Poor Condom-Leeeza
    What a pervert, Lol. Interesting letter, you managed to sneak in. And, I see you gave a clue to the rebels where to find him around

    Fun read :D


  16. Lol.. Kartikay has been Ewwwing a lot of late!

    Condolezza and Gadaffi .. who'd have thought!

  17. :) Bouncy! very :)

  18. Aakash...Pervert who?

    Pzes...I think it's the Orange kurtas he has been sporting of late.



  19. Is this a season of love letters by the love-guru Purba? First Rakhi for her Baba and now Gaddafi for his lady love. ...more potent than AIDS :D :D What an imagination!

  20. I read it, and then re-read, and yet I fail to see how this is indecent? A wet kiss on those lips isn't indecent.
    Though the person whose letter has been leaked might be way beyond even limits of indecency.

    Nice read.

    Blasphemous Aesthete

  21. lol...'Obeying parents is more important than doing what they say'
    'A woman has a right to run for election, whether she is male or female' are too good...

    this guy is unlucky...with Europe in crisis and US economy falling, there is more reason for them to attack Lybia...

    awesome post

  22. My lovely :D

  23. may leaders of the world would have seen it.. the world would have been a more romantic sensual place to live :P

    Weakest LINK

  24. my god Purba,
    i thought you were just my very needed dose of humour-it seems you are also the quintessential guide for my GK:-)

    may the mischief churning in your head never cease:-)

  25. Its a post full of crackling humour as we have come to expect from you. The play on Ms Rice's name was not needed.

  26. Zephyr...Wicked...wicked...wicked!

    Anshul...The fact that Muammar is still alive is indecent :)

    Ana_treek...But she does look like one :p

  27. Rachit..True that..make love not war and let us live in peace.

    Suruchi...I hope so too :D

    Umashankar...Dear God, you are making me feel like an errant school girl!

  28. as long as it is intended in a light vein...itsssss okkkkk! :D

  29. ROFL...I mean ROFL... read it twice... cant stop laughing... fandu imagination!

  30. Applause for your imagination.

  31. :):) ooh wasnt this something different !

  32. HaHa.. Brilliant post which managed to strangely nebulize utter disgust for Gaddafi.
    //And women, like men, are human beings. This is an incontestable truth.//-Brilliant!
    One more round of Gossip girls tonight for me :D :D

  33. Awwwwww! Another sweet post dedicated to my dawling Gaddafi! The World is Not Enough, Gaddafi...May Allah Bless him in Lands Yonder:P

  34. Hilarious :) hats off to your 'wicked' imagination .. Ha ha haa!

  35. :D I so love your wicked side :)
    Your every post is better than the previous one :)

  36. truely original n yeah better than the original news....:)

  37. Was on a roll reading this piece.This read will be pleasantly suicidal for Gadaffi. Condom-Leeza, wow, where did that spring out from ?

  38. 'My lovely Anaconda, you and I will be more potent than AIDS'LOL :D
    I was reminded of Rajinikanth..:)

  39. This is some brilliant stuff!! First time on ur blog! Please direct me to similar posts of urs! ur really good at satire! 1 up!

  40. Sub...Those are his actual quotes. Yes, he's that dumb!

    A grain of sand ...And she comes to my rescue :))

    Karan...All I had to do was imagine Gaddafi and Rice as a couple :)

  41. Alka...Blush blush


    Sharmila...You are advised to watch Gossip Girl, only when there's no electricity :p

  42. Cloud Nine...I hope you don't have his posters on your wall!

    Gautam...I have decided to rename myself as the WWG (wicked witch of Gurgaon)

    ~Serendipity~...Now that made my day! Thank you so much.

  43. nivi...Glad you like.

    the mind behind the mindless lampoons...You have a better suggestion? :p

    Zach George...How Rajnikanth?

    Jayanth..I mostly write satire and glad you liked.

  44. What a satire on Gadda Affi. Khuda Hafeez

  45. Hu Purba - what a hilarious post - laughed my heart off. great imagination:)

  46. really rocking. satire at its rockin best.

  47. Deguide....For all you know, that man might be plotting his comeback.


    Sajeev & Pramod...Muchos thanks.

  48. Sixty nine is a good age and such an exciting position. You aggressive – me more aggressive – By God together we will create pyrotechnics...

    this line almost blew off everything.
    really good post..wannaa see some more of these standards

  49. CIA has put you in the target list, beware!

  50. Alas he was too busy taking care of his report card. I read his grades fell down from AAA to AA. - ROFL. I hope Leezza shoots him with a sniper rifle if she ever gets to see him in person. No more a fitting punishment than being shot at by the person you have a crush on.

  51. hey...nice flow of your imagination with lil sarcasm here n there. i found it quite amusing that Ms Rice was his sleeping fantasy :)

  52. Nirvanic...Will try not to disappoint :)

    JObin....Oops I better get lost.

    Sam...What an idea babyjee - a fitting end for a despot.

    BP...LOL @ sleeping fantasy. I heard they are doing a remake of Sleeping with the Enemy :D

  53. Purba.. :P Had a great time reading this post.. :) Your posts do keep your readers healthy.. as they say laghing is the best medicine.. :P He he.. Good one.. :)

  54. Purba. have taken the liberty of linking your post to my submission today; MUAMMAR GADDAFI : The 'Rice' before the fall !!
    cheers :)

  55. Purba,

    Naughty, Naughty.

    Take care

  56. ahem, that was fun to read.
    but felt you got carried away a little more than you should :)

    also, i notice that you din't add the +1 button to your blog..
    add it. that way, you will generate more traffic :)

    all the best :)


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