Monday, August 15, 2011

Starry Gyaan

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Twinkle, twinkle little I wonder what you are.  When I was young and naive, I actually used to think they were up above the sky so blue – till I started watching movies.  I then saw them in polka dotted minis and maxis, in buttercup yellow bellbottoms beating up baddies, wearing oversized shades and strumming the guitar. Nothing was impossible for these celluloid stars who came in all shapes and sizes.  These larger than life creatures made us laugh, cry and sometimes even swoon.    

Soon came a time when these heavenly bodies descended from the large screen to our living rooms to peddle shampoos, soaps and coke.  Just for our convenience. See how much they care for us? 
I now get valuable guidance from my favourite stars who guide me through a quagmire of mind boggling variety of cosmetics, electronic appliances, washing powder and what not.   So many handy tips on - how to remain thanda-thanda, cool-cool, how to make it large, how 3G can save the nation.... Thank god for celebrities, I would feel so lost otherwise. 

After hours of watching TV, with annoying movies and sitcoms spoiling the fun, I often get dark circles under my eyes.  But guess what! All I have to do is pick up Dark Circle Corrector now tinted recommended by Priyanka and voila I am shiny and new like Madonna. 

The other day I was intently watching Kareena slathering soap that makes her skin so baby soft. Looking at her I realized I bathe like a village bumpkin.  I never pout or coyly look over my shoulders.  Enriched with tips on how to bathe with what, I tried pointing my toes ballerina style towards the ceiling and fell down with a loud thud.  I made sure that the husband signed all the hospital bills with Linc pen, endorsed by King Khan.  Zindagi judi hai Linc se!
When I am at the supermarket I can almost hear Shilpa, Bipasha, Katrina and Aishwarya screaming pick me up please! I will make dandruff vanish from your hair, make your tresses shine like a 40 watt bulb because you are worth it!  At the baniyan counter, I am a nervous wreck – Saif likes Amul Macho but Salman prefers Dollar Club and Hrithik wears only Macroman - damn I will take them all.

When I totter back home with my bag overflowing with stuff I don’t really need, the husband frowns and shakes his head with displeasure  I have perfected the art of placating him.   All I have to do is thrust Vaseline fairness cream at his face and whisper Dahling this will make you look chikna like Shahid.  

Once I even tried to make cold coffee for him  Deepika style – I shook left and I shook right till he came running to me and said will you stop? You are messing the carpet and the walls!  I looked hurt and mumbled – if Deepika can do it, why can’t I? 

But there is one extremely hot star who is constantly ignored by all brands – Indian’s most desired Rakhi Sawant.   I wonder why?  She is gorgeous, her pout extremely 3 D and she is so very entertaining.  And then I read somewhere that she has already bagged a lucrative deal from Ludhiana Corn sellers association (LCSA).  Since Rakhi ji is so corny we could not think of a better star.  

Ever since posters of Rakhi furiously munching on bhuttas were put up, corn sales have touched the sky.

Why just Ludhiana, I suggest posters of Ms Sawant should adorn every nook and cranny of our nation. The sight of her will send the nations’ appetite on an overdrive and then India can finally prove George Bush right. Wasn’t he the one who blamed India for global shortage of food!

The other day while I was jumping down the cliff, chasing trucks and snatching my bottle of Thums Up from that ugly looking crocodile – I was struck with a fabulous idea.  Why just stars, why can’t we have our much loved politicians endorse products as well.

Take Mayawati for instance.  Since the lady has used up all the available dholpur, granite and marble for her many parks and bungalows, she should be approached by stone faced merchants to be their brand ambassador.  Imagine giant hoardings of Behenjee, smiling toothily at you with a block of stone casually slung over her shoulders!  One look at her and Rahul will pee in his pants.  Didi should model for Bata chappals – nothing phancy pleej.  Amma can promote Duckback’s waterproof cloaks and Sushma Swaraj – Shilpa Bindi.  Fevicol can show us how mazboot their adhesive is by sealing Diggy’s mouth. 

I would also like to see our aspiring messiah, Baba Ramdev experimenting with his looks with all new Gillette.  Why should John have all the fun? 

So what do you think – isn’t it time we give our filmstars a well deserved rest?  They have been prancing around in baniyans and shampooing their hair for too long.   I strongly recommend that our netas be made model Politicians.  If we are forced to see their smiling visage on television every day, it is possible that we might just fall in love with them. And who knows there might come a day when we will have their posters on our walls and faint in glee when they come asking for votes! 

Impossible is nothing – Did I hear someone say Yehi hai right choice Baby!

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  1. Hhahaha you really adore Rakhi the tigress Sawant dont you?
    I would love to see Sonia Gandhi in the Lakme age miracle advertisement. Hah! and Amul baby can actually take over the polka dot dressed up doll.

    Lovely post as always!!

  2. i have a smile on my face whenever i read your posts...when my wife sees looking at the laptop and smiling she says 'is it that Purba again?'

    kind of imagined a clean shaven baba in a sexy saffron colored byke and Rakhi Sawant sitting behind him in a hot top and sexy mini skirt...

  3. Thoughtful as always !!!

    I also just realized, what is it that makes Kareena coyly pout over her shoulder when she bathes in the commercials :D
    Very well written :)

  4. lol...You have undying loyalty for Rakhi.:) I would love to see Sushma Swaraj endorsing bindi...

    Lovely post, a sweet beginning for a monday morning...:)

  5. :D....You should be the President of both Baba and Rakhi Fan Club.
    Raja advertising mobile phones and Advani a local gym (Loh purush. Remember?).
    By the by Ramdev can endorse Garnier. "Hair so strong you can pull a truck with them" and then he will wink and say "Take Care"

  6. Aila... your post is so star studded that Karan Johar would shy away, and my eyes are feeling the glare already.
    I just wish when the film stars go for a vacation from endorsing products that they might never use themselves, they pack in a few politicians too, and aspiring politicians too who've been building stamina to stay alive without food. The real ones are always facing the backs of the media, unnoticed.
    About that fairness, first they sell a cream, then it comes with a face wash and the girl who says 'dugna fayada', she's so glowing that I can't see her nose and face, she's more like a ghost. Ab gayab hona hi baaki reh gaya hai.

    Awesome article.

    Blasphemous Aesthete

  7. lol...dripping with sarcasm...explains to the last detail what an eyesore these ads are becoming :)

  8. Hahaha.. Well you're on a Rakhi-bashing roll!

    I'm never having any other bhutta again! Its going to be special Rakhi Bhutta's from Ludhiana..

  9. AHA!!! Super post, as usual! Sad you left out social activists here- Kiran Bedi for washing powder:P

  10. Haha! As usual, the Bollywood brigade and the politicians bring out the best in you. Not to forget Ms. Sawant. ;)

  11. Red Handed....Rahul as Amul Baby will be perfect! Those dimples...aaah

    SUB...LMAO...that saffron cycle will be sold out with in day!

    Serendipity...And why is that?

  12. Saru...Show me a woman more entertaining than her!! No one even comes close.

    Prats...The Heavenly Gym :P LMAO ing at the thought of Ramdev winking and murmuring...Take care


  13. Anshul...You are not too bad yourself when it comes to taking digs :p Dafnaa dalaa tumne!

    Indumathy...One of the reasons why I don't watch Television.

    Pzes...I haven't had roasted bhutta sprinkled with masala in such a long time :(

  14. Ramesh...:)

    Cloud Nine...Unfortunately for me I rarely watch TV :( Not too well informed about ads.
    Google came to my rescue.

    Carpe Diem...Or rather the worst :p

  15. I too have watched these ads.. but never gave it any thought.. but there was a time when I used to complaint about the cricketers; only fit for ads not runs.. guess the world cup healed it.. it was really fun reading your post..

  16. God only you can come up with such a post ! I love the idea of Shilpa bindis being endorsed by Sushma swaraj. And give poor Rakhi a rest will you :)

  17. What fun .. lol :D The kareena imitation episode was the bestest. Pls Purba dont give this idea to our politicians, have enough of them already hehe. But I like the thought of ramdev in the shaving cream/razor ad! But lso think Vasundhara Raje could give our stars a run for their money were she to sign up for a pantene commercial. I also would like to see jayalalithaaa in a Chennai silks commercial. and suresh kalmadi in a Dabur Memory Chyawanprash ad.

  18. Hema...I hope they stop getting endorsements. If you are multi millionaires already, where is the drive to win?

    Ruchira....Ouch....any nasty post feels incomplete without her :p

    Ambika...See if they get crores from endorsements they might stop expecting bribes :) Once we have honest politicians, nothing can stop us from achieving what we want.

  19. The present lot of politicians are an unlikely muse for any advertising company. They can only endorse rotten eggs....Sushma for bindi is a great idea but what is with her jacket on a saree?

  20. Kanimozi will be apt for Idea 3G -what an idea sirjee!
    your favorite Manmohansingh for Tata tea campaign- jaago re jaago re...

  21. hahahhaah this was AWESOME!!!

  22. Alka....She can promote air conditioned jackets that keep her

    Sharmila...HAHAH...He has many terms of endearment - the silent one..the throne warmer...


  23. As usual fun post....laughed throughout.....
    Gives me the creeps wondering how it would be watch the netas in ads but definitely worth a try....ek last chance tho banta hai......

  24. Sparkling satire. Also, roping in the netas will surely hypnotise the intelligentsia who installed them to power in the first place.

    I'd be advise you to be careful next time you visit Didi's land though!

  25. Typo: Please ignore word 3 'be' in the last sentence. This usually happens when I pull down the screen when someone interrupts and my mind looses the original thread, and I continue thereon....

  26. ah the things that stars have to do to make a living!

  27. Sowmya...A fun way to keep them busy and rich.

    Umashankar...Why! Didi will throw her chappals at me? I don't mind as long as they are Crocs :p

    magiceye...My heart goes out to them.

  28. Ludhiana Corn sellers association - LOL. I envy that imagination of yours Purba di. I really do.
    Btw I was wondering what would Suresh Kalmadi endorse...dementia medicine perhaps?

  29. lol..too good.

    Regarding posters of Ms Sawant taking our appetite to a whole new level - i dont think wud surely wanna make me puke :|

  30. yahi hai right post baby ah han :)

    Weakest LINK

  31. he he he made me laugh the making of cold coffee a la deepika style ..

    Thankfully i am away from all this nonsense :) and aww bless Hubby dear signing with the LINC pen.. never seen one .. is it good enough though , Care to ask him for me please :)

    and YES two thumbs up to not jsut the filmstarts but the politicians and cricketers too .. Let us give them all the rest ,, maybe retire them toooo :)


  32. ...even then, do we switch off our t.v's and get on with our own lives (in which there are problems enough without having to choose between SRK's product and Hrithik's)? Noooo. We will still sit and watch and increase their TRP's and numb our own brains.
    Maybe that's why we are Indians (?). Scratch that. Humans.


  33. of all the ads (for cosmetics) I think Lux soap has made it a point to rope in all the prominent actresses right from Madhubala

  34. Samadrita...He can be the brand ambassador for Anupam Kher's acting school. Kalmadi's act is a class apart.

    Peenuts...She will be good for our size zero diet.


  35. Bikramjit...Thank God you are - we treat our movie stars like deities!

    Prayanka...And we build temples in their honour, write letters in our own blood - this madness has no end.

    Haddock...True...the original. Wish their product was as good as their ads.

  36. Please.. the only thing they care about is fame and money.

  37. Hilarious. Yes, you are right! Too many people telling us what to do on TV. That is on top of the experts who are already hogging the lime lite.

  38. SG...Umm did I say otherwise?

    Nona...In India anything that a moviestar peddle sells.

  39. '...will make us fall in love with them...' or turn us off the products they are endorsing?

    Psst. do you have a video of you doing a Deepika trying to make cold coffee or the one when when you tried to bathe ballerina style? Promise, I won't share it with anyone :DD

  40. Ha! Ha! Well done!! I like how you're snatching stuff out of mouths of crocs.

  41. Sonia Gandhi ll do well in a fair and lovely ad i guess :D

  42. Zephyr...I will come to your place and give you a lime demo :D

    Deepa...Anything for my Thums Up.

    Ana-treek...Yea, the moment she picked up the tube of Fair & Lovely she became the most powerful person in the country.

  43. Purba, your humor is inspiring. BTW I'm back after a long hiatus-check out my latest. ur opnion matters to me

  44. Very humorous. Lightened my mood and made me smile as I continue to struggle with the porcupine calcium oxalate crystals leisurely crawling on their exodus.

  45. so true-and the worst in the commercial madness are the Deo ads-my god, they make you believe that scent creates studs!:-)

    and that Kareena ad is my daughter's fav btw...i hope she does not grow up to bathe like that!:-)

  46. Thanks for using the time and effort to write something so interesting.

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  47. confusedyuppie - And your write up on Losers was BRILLIANT!


    Aniruddha...Dear god that's some wordplay :p

    suruchi...I find the Mankind ads obnoxious! And to think there are a bunch of gullible adolescents who believe it actually works.

  48. Great post yet again.. :) Interesting idea of having our netas in the adds.. :P ..

  49. I think Brinda Karat and Sushma Swaraj the pretty girls in Indian Politics..

    Rakhi Sawant can do anything.One thing for sure,she says what she thinks or rather comes up in her mind without any filtering..

  50. A post with a real punch. Enjoyed reading every word and the sarcasm in it.
    Keep it up gal!

  51. Sunil...Better than watching them give statements with a sorry face.

    Blue Lotus...She is smart..knows what to say when.

    Shas....Aww thanks a lot.

  52. Gosh! this is so funny Purba..And am still laughing..thanks for the laughs dahling & ay Im going to try that Kareena preening too :))I thought it was good riddance not watching I know Im missing all the fun!

  53. Purba,

    Left, then Right before final knock out punch Hook. LOL. Floored absolutely and let the referee keep counting.

    Take care

  54. Funny how this cosmetics and other beauty products help us regain our self from being an ugly duckling turned into a beautiful swan. Thanks to the celebrities for being our inspiration and motivator on endorsing their products to be look like them. Thanks for the blog Purba. This is definitely A-Musing.
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