Tuesday, September 27, 2011

In Love With Paris


The child in me still alive and kicking and has been dreaming of Paris Hilton for years.  So imagine my excitement, when I read that Paris Hilton will be coming to Mumbai.  I couldn’t stop myself from getting into paroxysms screaming OMG OMG OMG, till my daughter came to my room and said Maa will you stop it. 

 It was a Saturday night when I crash landed at the Chhatrapati International Airport.  What else can you expect when you travel Air India.  My journey was rather eventful.  First I got stuck in the aircraft’s toilet.  Then the airhostess who reminded me of my Math teacher in school, scolded me for waking her up from her siesta. I guess I was being greedy when I asked for a second helping of Rasmalai and look how God punished me!  He sent me scurrying to the toilet.  By the time I arrived at Mumbai, I had already lost 3 kgs. 

I was weak at my knees not because of reasons diarrheal but at the prospect of finally feasting my eyes on my American Ideal –Paris Hilton. I have a feeling that Paris must have been conceived at Hilton Paris. Why else would anyone name their kid after a city?  Her parents deserve applause for their imagination.  Has anyone ever dared to name their kid Jabalpur Jain, Patna Puri or Brussels Barua?  You require a special IQ for such unfettered creativeness. 

Hilton’s Parisian progeny certainly didn’t let her illustrious parents down.  It was she who singlehandedly spearheaded the use of live accessories.  Who on earth could had thought of a Chihuahua poking out of a purse!   And it was the awesomest idea for anorexic divas.  They could now share their meal of three carrots with their pooch nuzzling right under their underarms.    

courtesy pinkvilla.com
When the super duper Diva – Paris did arrive at the airport, wearing all shades of blue and a bicycle chain on her head.  I fainted right there.  But not before I screamed Parisssssssss, you are so hot.  The dumb ass next to me commented, but the weather at Paris is just perfect!  Men I tell you.  

And some confused souls wanted to check in, when they read Paris Hilton is in Mumbai. What’s wrong with you people!

I read somewhere that Paris Hilton has come to India to peddle her purses.  What can a girl do when her meanie grand dad disinherits her.  A girl has to pay her bills no?  How long can she depend on panting men on the lower side of the evolution, to pay for her extravagances!  But I wonder why she calls her accessories store PHpurse.  Isn’t PH something that shampoos build up?  Why didn’t she settle for her trademarked – That’s Hot! 

And that’s what Paris said when she stepped out....That’s hot but only after she had said I love India 297 times.  Ask me, I counted.  PH is a simple girl, who leads a Simple Life and finds everything that she sees awesome, amazing and wow.   Wow! What an amazing turnout/ Wow! Such a long day/ Just had an amazing press conference.  


Yes, Paris Hilton - singer, socialite, porn educator, businesswoman - is a woman of many talents.  Unfortunately those talents do not include public speaking, or speaking in general.  A woman can’t have it all, can she!  Two tight slaps to all you evil souls who insist that the world would be a much better place if Paris were to seal her lips forever and never speak again. Her vocabulary may be limited but her heart is extra large.  How many of you can give a hundred dollar note to a beggar woman in Mumbai, on a mere whim!  And all that stupid cow could say was Isskaa chhutta milega kya? 

And if PH is so awesomely dumb, why would gossip queen Karan Johar want to have coffee with her?  All that cheapo wanted to talk about was sex!  Has Paris Hilton ever bothered to ask KJo who he has sex with?  

Ms Hilton is a diva in her own right and doesn’t need cheap publicity, she’s already so famous.  Why! she even received two Bollywood offers.  Paris is sooo excited.  She loves Bolly movies you know, especially their chhamak chhallo clothes.  But I doubt whether she will be expected to wear much of them.

And if she really wants to wear saris, bindis and jewelry, she can always say yes to evergreen Dev Anand’s once in a lifetime offer – the chance to play the role of his Mom in his next movie - Main solah baras kaa.  

Paris, please don’t go!   Bollywood with its ham & cheese superstars is just purrfect for you.  You can  keep saying that’s hot…I love you…that’s awesome…all the time and nobody will mind.  If we can put so many talentless actors and actresses on a pedestal and worship them, what’s a Paris Hilton?   Plus you can drink and drive, run over a few pedestrians and shoot toll plaza attendants for fun.  Our jails are so cool that even our political class prefers staying there, with western toilets installed on request.  I think they even give your free toilet paper. 

 And once you open a PHpurse store in Lucknow, their hand bag obsessed Chief Minister will take good care of your bills.   Now where will you find such an incredible country, Paris?




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56 comments:

  1. Whaaaat? I just had no idea where your post was headed. Sarcasm now? So cleverly disguised. Or I am daft. Sigh. PH. And poor soul. I saw her interview on NDTV. She seems alright. It made me realize that I have never seen her speak. Just photos in the occasional magazines I flip through. Conceived in Paris, eh? That's a possibility. :-P

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  2. 'Main solah baras kaa'....hahahaha! This was incredible...I am even willing to die to see this fillim! Awesome post! BTW I am yet to see her talk...

    p.s. Our posts today have such similar titles...

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  3. brilliant packaging of a wholesome laugh....
    loved the naming, well..we do have our share of Cuba Krishnamurthys & Amrika Khans.(err..remember..Bombay Jayshree??)
    Keep it coming...we certainly need an overdose of humor :)

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  4. refreshing take as always!!luv your posts....

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  5. Brussels Barua?? Gahahahahahah...You are one witty woman i tell you!!!!
    You know as a kid i used to be Paris Hilton fan. Why else would dedicate a post on my childhood dream of she becoming the president of USA and paint the white house pink and give STatue of liberty a boobjob.
    I had dreamt of it once. :P

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  6. She is the Paris from Love! No wait, She is Love from Paris, no, oh yeah it was From Paris with Love :D

    Paris with love landed in Mumbai to Hil and charge a ton of dollars ;)

    :D

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  7. Brilliantly sarcastic..quite a treat..

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  8. So even if Paris has a very dwindling career in movies in hollywood, we'd welcome her with open arms.

    Move over munni and shiela. I think our very own bollywood divas need to rethink their srategies.

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  9. Sarcasm much? ;)
    lol.. I'd say its well deserved. And i STILL don't get what the hype is all about. Probably I never will... and that's a good thing!
    Patna puri and Brussels barua...haha.. you're hilarious!

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  10. Purba so you managed to have 'An Evening With Paris' and brought barrel full of laughter for us !

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  11. She's definitely not cool! Hehe!

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  12. lol...common Purba, i like Paris and her movies...
    I wish i was the beggar she gave all that money to...

    Cheers!
    SUB
    http://khonjtheeternalsearch.blogspot.com/

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  13. "HOWLARIOUS!" Clap, clap, clap...Love the post and i almost died laughing reading 'main solah baras ka':D Seriously Purba, why don't you give PH some lessons in public speaking? LOL!!!

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  14. haha I'd never had an interest in PH, but now she sounds Funny! Fun post this. And I am happy you called karan gay johar a gossip queen..lol.

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  15. No wonder she's the result of confused parents. And how about Delhi Diwakar? He also fits in your variant names. :P

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  16. I was wondering initially what might be wrong with you!
    Jesus. This was some very well disguised sarcasm. Sheldon Cooper of The Big Bang Theory would never be able to understand the sarcasm.
    Paris has found the right country for her. There is no dearth of sugar daddies, not that she needs one, but they want her, don't they?
    And after meeting the gossip queen, she should bounce her way to Delhi for the sights. As she would say, "That's hot."
    haha

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  17. Patna Puri and Brussels Barua .... only you can think of this Purba !I honestly dont know what the big ho halla abt Paris being here is all about frankly !!

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  18. Zeba...Aww! sorry...you will take some time getting used to me:)

    Siddhartha...And your post was awesome...cool...loved it...Oh I forgot to add That's hot.

    the mind behind the mindless lampoons... I remember Bombay Jayshree... the singer right?

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  19. Nivi...And don't you ever change your mind :D

    Red Handed...I remember reading that post and did it make me laugh. Your ex-idol has some imagination.

    Chintan.... There will be plenty of takers for her blingy style :(

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  20. Rahul....Paris is inspiring :p

    Pzes...An item number for the pari from NYC please.

    TheGirlAtFirstAvenue ...Our phoren fixation - what to do we are like this only.

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  21. Rahul...She is laugh worthy :)

    Kartikay...OMG OMG OMG you have a crush on her!

    Sub..I could do with a 100 dollars.

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  22. Cloud Nine...She is interesting the way she is. Imagine her spouting words of wisdom! So not hot :D

    Ambika....Bff to many that's KJO.


    Prateek...For saadi Dilli it has to be Dhakkan Singh..or maybe Makhan for the butter chicken loving variety.

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  23. D2...How could you even think that! And she should come to Delhi in May - that smile will melt off her face.

    Ruchira...A celebrity that too from Amrikaa! OMG

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  24. Such shielded sarcasm....lovely. I wonder why we go gaga over Gaga and Paris types....If Simi did Gaga, Karan will do a Paris...after all how many times can he interview Shahrukh...

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  25. side splitting...how do you do it everytime? :D
    sarcastic humour comes to you so naturally..

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  26. Can't stop laughing!!! This was just awesomeeee!!!

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  27. "And all that stupid cow could say was Isskaa chhutta milega kya?"

    Oh my god!! Hilarious! :D

    And ya, the Indian porn industry could do with much more than just tapes of actresses showering. Paris Madam will definitely be a hit here! :D

    *bows down head, partly in respect, partly to clutch laughter-induced-aching stomach*

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  28. Alka...Why do we have to interview celebrities? They hardly have anything interesting to say.

    A grain of...Wicked me :D

    akanksha..That's hot!

    Spaceman Spiff...And I can't wipe that silly grin off my face :p Muchos gracias.

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  29. sarcasm at its best :) made me smile frown and say What the...

    and had to laugh tooo

    HAIL paris hilton .. I have a name for my kid Birmingham Mann :)

    what say looks good .



    Bikram's

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  30. mam this s my first attempt at writing a love story..wud liuke to know what yu think about this work...
    http://nikhimenon.blogspot.com/2011/09/love-you-j-my-love-story-chapter-1.html

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  31. Patna Pouri- hilarious. Also the attractions you are throwing to her for staying back.

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  32. omg-aap kisse ko nahi chodte...and itne pyar se maara hain ke read karne waala end tak na samjhe if you love or hate PH;-)

    yes, she must have been conceived at Hilton in Paris...warna Jabalpur Jain gussa ho jaayenge:-)

    Brilliant yet again*staring this space with wonder n awe*:-)

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  33. HAHAHA, isn't she just the poster girl for dumb?
    And seriously who names their kid Paris anyway?:P

    I just worked out what I like about your writing, you take people down so very politely that in a lot of cases if I don't read properly I'll be left with the impression that you're actually a fan:D

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  34. NICE ....We can have a "Paris AK Swayamvar" if she stays in india ;-)

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  35. Bikram...Birmingham Mann - LOL, try karne mein kya harz hai?

    nikhil...Sure, will take a look at it.

    Hariharan...She has threatened to come back.

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  36. Suruchi...Tum saare confused ho gaye :)
    And love your new DP.


    Priyanka....Of course I am a fan. she is everything I ever wanted to be :p

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  37. I don't care who Paris Hilton is as long as she gives apro Purba such fodder for her posts. As long as we have people swooning over celebrities, we will have talk show hosts interviewing them.

    Jabalpur Jain? :)

    Been out of town and so I am a little late in reading and commenting.

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  38. Spiritual Sinner....I wouldn't be surprised if they had one for her.

    Zephyr...You should have seen our Page 3 types fawning over her.

    And hope you had a good trip :)

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  39. :) There was an article on how celebrities name their kids. (This was a few years ago). Apple was one of the names that cropped up. Not sure how they decide the names! I have also wondered why Paris is named so!

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  40. I will write more when I stop gagging on my own laughter ! ! !

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  41. mam thank yu very much for yur sincere feedback on my post..will try to improve...
    about this post of yurs..what to say...funny as always....

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  42. when i was reading abt the ur concept of PH...i quickly went to wikipedia in the search of tht amazing fact..i found out something absurd.."Hilton is of Norwegian, German, English, Scottish, Irish, and Italian ancestry"..well its quite normal to get such a hybrid offspring

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  43. Nona...The celebrity fetish for exotic. How else will they stand out.

    Rituparna...Ooops :p

    Mohit....Really? that's news to me as well.

    Nikhil...Thanks a ton

    umashankar...LOL..what does that mean?

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  44. Now, Shoaib Akhtar is in the lime light.(Did I spell his name correctly??? Who cares!!!). I find these things really funny. I remember, the last time when George Bush landed in India, almost the whole country stopped breathing for a day or two.

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  45. And i thought she was named after the Trojan Called Paris from Iliad

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  46. O-M-G! What a take! Kudos to you lady :)
    How could I miss this post....
    Awesomeness :)

    Love,
    Indie :)

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  47. Bibek...In Shoaib's case, controversy sells. And anything American and remotely celebrityish is enough to send the media in a tizzy.

    Vikram...Hahaha...well said.

    Amrita...Oh wow...glad you like.

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  48. ...and then they say ,what's in a name?
    Everything is THE name.Definitely not a case of 'naam gum jaayega'-this PH babe.

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  49. ROFL! But come to think of it, our very own Rakhi Sawant is also good no? Same zang tang and hype and hoopla raised around her for no real good reason! Only probably Ms PH is a foren gori and named Paris, so all the more attention!

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  50. Ano....Yea, right!

    Giribala...HA

    Sharmila....Yep, she markets herself well.

    Richa...If only our Rakhi was Amrikan born, she would have been a superstar :)

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  51. Jabalpur Jain, Patna Puri or Brussels Barua-*involuntary shudder*
    Wasn't PH the one who said London was the capital of U.S or something like that?
    And I totally didn't know that she was disinherited by her grand dad...man I feel like paying him my respects. Atleast somebody in her family has brains. It seems her ex-BFF Nicole Ritchie recently got herself arrested on the charge of driving under the influence of drugs. And she was 3 months pregnant at the time. Awesome role models Amreeka has!

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  52. Hmmm....I see you found Rakhi's counterpart from the west. And I still can't believe you followed Paris over twitter. Ahhh....you really are in love with the two Damsels

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  53. lol Purba...that was sarcasm at its best..my 1st reaction after reading this one..."Wow, that's Hot!" :P

    But the best of the lot for me was:
    "Yes, Paris Hilton - singer, socialite, porn educator, businesswoman - is a woman of many talents."

    Brilliant!! :D

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