The Old Boys Club (OBC) has called an emergency meeting in their Chamber of Secrets (COS) after receiving an unusual decree from their leader, the Silent Sardar. They have been asked to declare their assets on his domain. Now these are respectable men in their 60’s and 70’s, whose assets haven’t seen the light of the day in a very long time. Please don’t be a presumptuous ass and assume that these bootylicious gents don’t have the balls to make it public. They are but humble men engaged in selfless service to the nation and are averse to cheap exhibitionist tactics. Damn Om Puri who thinks they are merely a bunch of nalayaks and ganwars. The Congress of baboons made sure Puri ate humble pie even though he would have preferred Old Monk any day.
Unlike the brash youngsters of today, the exalted ones do not believe in flaunting their figures. They’d rather keep it under cover. They are acutely sensitive to the delicate disposition of the suddenly enlightened middle class. What if they find it too grisly to assimilate!
And whoever said size does not matter was definitely a stickly loser. Of course it does, the bigger it is the louder the gasp.
The OBC usually meets to take pot shots at the Silent one - he who likes having long conversations with his beard. Why, they even have his mugshot and practice throwing darts on his face and have I love you like I hate you playing in a loop. They tolerate him for the sake of the fair Queen – she with an accent quaint.
But these are mostly fearless men who get jittery at the sight of fasting old men. Instilling fear in others is their forte.
Despite misgivings they gulp their self-respect and decide to bare it all for the sake of the masses. Chiddy-bum-bum – he who’s always right is not so pleased. He declares haughtily I am the best and my assets are my brains. Why, even the old man from Ralegan Siddhi has certified me as a pucca khodsal (a mischievous person). What I have is for all to see and wraps his veshti a little more tightly.
S&M Krishna, the backbencher has to be woken up from his siesta and before he can start reading Portugal’s speech, he is hit by a dart. The ever so argumentative Sibbal – he who is allergic to bills, snorts and announces I have nothing to hide as well. Why, I even flaunt my bad manners. However crooked Pawar – he with an expression diarrheal, is seen shifting on his seat uncomfortably. Of late his assets have grown disproportionately. Excessive sugar and armchair cricket have made him obese. He is secretly plotting to get away with exposing as little as possible. Some things are better hidden than revealed.
As expected their exposed assets grab national headlines. On top is Kamal Nath - right under him is Sibal with AK Antony at the bottom. This unlikely sandwich is unpalatable to most. But it is Pawar and his cooked up stats that create a tsunami of jokes. Isn’t 12 too small for a man as big as he?
Now that the secret is out in the open, these well endowed OBCs are giving sleepless nights to femme fatales. Rumour has it that certain old men have been making surreptitious inquiries about insuring their assets. If Rakhi can insure her silicon valley, why can’t we do it? Another one has shot off an urgent mail to Shane Warne begging him to part with his beauty secrets.
Simi Garewal – the botoxed wonder, has anointed the greying Mantris as India’s most desirable. Move over Shahid and Abhay here come the hot steppers from the cabinet.
But with their secret out in the open and Shane Warne’s makeup tricks, women are shamelessly eyeing their sizeable assets. Our honourable ministers are now worried about their safety and are demanding protection.
As a law abiding, tax-paying and largely ignored citizen I have a priceless suggestion to make. Now that Gaddafi’s Amazonians are out of work, why don't they shift to our country and guard India’s most desirable!