Friday, October 28, 2011

Delhi is turning modern jee

Sheila Dixit dreamt of it, our taxes paid for it and DDA in collaboration with MCD almost ruined it.  Delhites caught in the daily grind of generator fumes and traffic snarls shrugged it off as yet another gimmick.  But the megapolis with its many implants and cosmetic surgeries, courtesy fairy godmother CWG almost managed to make it.  If a few strategic implants can make Rakhi Sawant India’s hattest item garl, surely apni Dilli can become a world class city! 

Mumbaikars might try to dismiss it as yet another Behenjee-trying- to- be- modern endeavour but we know it’s a classic case of sour grapes.  Mere pass Ring Road hai, Metro hai, flyovers hai - tumhare pass kya hai Mamu? 

And to further strengthen our case, Delhi will have billionaire drivers vrooming on Budh International Circuit in nearby Noida this weekend.  I am petrified that some Dilliwasi will misconstrue it as broom...broom and reserve a seat at the grandstand for his maid as a Diwali bonus.   If Shiney, according to Spice ads, can buy a mobile for his bai, why can’t the cash-rich Delhizen book a seat for his? 

I am told they call it Formula 1 and no, it’s not another Govinda movie with Shakti Kapoor’s naadha grabbing eyeballs.  Neither does it have any correlation to Maths and Chemistry formulas which have eluded me all my life.  Formula 1 racing is actually a high adrenaline event, where one gets to race long-nosed cars at insane speeds, minus the headache of a traffic cop chasing you with a challaan.  Plus you get to crash cars just like in the movies, get an obscene pay check and carouse with the most glamorous women.

Hey! My husband drives menacingly and scares the living daylights out of people.  And all he manages is pleas for mercy and petrified looks. 

But I am not the type that goes on a fast against the unfairness of it all, especially when there is a plethora of stuff vying for my attention.   Gosh! There’s so much I can choose from.  I can do some head banging to The God of Metal- Metallica- playing in my neighbourhood, or burn a hole in my pocket watching drivers put their lives at risk on a race track.  Giddy with fun, my throat hoarse from all that screaming, I can then proceed to Arjun Rampal’s Lap.   Of course I’d love to spend the rest of my life in Rampal’s lap, but this is LAP the club, host to post-F1 parties.   And Delhi knows how to partyyy especially when drunk.  To facilitate the procedure, the club will have Champagne Sky Bars where firang apsaras will dangle from the ceiling, to top up our Champagne flutes.  Wowie...getting drunk was never this fun!  


Wait, the fun doesn’t stop here.  To make Halloween seem real, Lady Gaga will be performing this Sunday covered in spinach & cabbage leaves.  She has been kind enough to ditch her meat dress for our vegetarian sensibilities.  The audience has been requested to keep their guns outside.  You never know what excitement can do to Delhites.

But I wonder why the organizers spent millions on a race track when all they needed was Delhi’s MCD maintained roads.   It would have been such an epic experience watching Lewis Hamilton and his ilk drive on our crater like potholes, deal with high on testosterone drivers ready to flash their guns at the honk of a horn and keep their calm in our legendary traffic jams.  Also the winner should be made to watch Ra-One with SRK himself explaining the fine nuances of his masterpiece. 

Now that would have been such a perfect paisa vasool! 

Heart Breaking News - Metallica experienced Delhi first hand after fans broke through the barricades at the venue.  The concert was cancelled much our dismay! 

Courtesy - Akshar Pathak

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69 comments:

  1. Haha! Dah-li is certainly attaining modernity. All it needed was a Formula "Number" 1 to come by.

    The concert is postponed because fans broke equipment? Why am I not surprised? Also, why would they break equipment? Cheap Thrills?

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  2. Behenji turning modern, as Baba Sehgal would have sung. Not the real one, who is busy organising the mega racing event and has therefore already turned modern :)

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  3. Are all these for real? The champagne bars and all? Wow. Like are people that jobless and that insecure of their desi-ness?

    Brilliant one, as usual jee. Right down to The Sawant Reference:D

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  4. I hope she does perform in Cabbage! A cabbage clad Gaga for Desi munda from twadi Dilli :P

    I bet she can use two Brinjals for her breasts as well...

    Purba, I loved the Mamu statement ;) Sachhi majjaaaa aa gaya ;)

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  5. Hamare paas traffic snarls hai,under construction flyovers hain,constructed lekin bandh pade flyovers hain,slums hain,encroachment hai,polution ki bahaar hai,corruption hai aur sabse badi baat..in sabko sehne ki shakti ka bhandar hai.
    Jai Mumbai,Jai maharashtra!
    There I said it as a resilient Mumbaikar!

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  6. oops..spelling mistake bhi hai!--*pollution :o

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  7. You seem to be obsessed with Rakhi Sawant. :D Totally a-musing post. :)

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  8. Purba,

    The cartoon at the end summed it up so well.

    Take care

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  9. Oh what fun it must be to live in Delhi! :P

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  10. Funny! Not only Dalhi, almost all over India, roads are the same and our baajuwala uncle is so good as Lewis Hamilton and the likes;) I wonder why you take a dig at Silicon Rakhi often- i laugh like mad when you do that! Dilli Chalo Dilli Chalo;)

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  11. Hahaha, I can invite them to Ahmedabad also :)

    though sad abt the postponed performance!

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  12. Whatever you say, we are a class apart. Come to think of it....the gun slinging, trash talking, bad boys. They have made movies depicting such characters. Remember the Spaghetti Westerns?

    And Gaga will cover herself in leaves? Doesn't she know that cows roam freely in India? She should use paneer or better still a dress made of "Soya Bean Chaap"

    And F1 racing with gun totting drivers behind them. And the DJ playing "Switty Tera Pyaar Chahida" That should be something.

    By the by a new study came. Apparently Delhi roads are the safest to drive on. And did you hear the news...Mumbai wants to build a Ring Road a la Delhi. #Facepalm

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  13. for once i have to admit, when it comes to F1 - Delhi did beat Mumbai fair and square. Booohooo.

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  14. the formula 1 race course sets one thing clear.. that Indians aren't bad in making roads.. you just have to pour money :P

    Weakest LINK

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  15. lol!! Govinda and Shakti Kapoor should 'Formula no. 1'
    Waiting for Ra One review from you :-)

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  16. Let us not celebrate the grandiose Dilli plans!F1 and no show Metallica can hardly help in daily woes of the city gasping to breathe unpolluted air and free movement on roads!!

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  17. Bangalore traffic is not less torturous. Living in big cities can be painful too.

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  18. You have given an interesting humorous twist to our misplaced priorities. When Delhi roads are caving in and crumbling like cookies a racing track seems ahead of time.And Metallica fiasco proved that we need better policing, and event management.Gurgaon badnaam hua......metallica tere liye.

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  19. We waited for ages to see Metallica and got nothing but a few curses, boderline racism and rude behaviour from DNA. I am boycotting everything to do with F1. The anger manic and the depression is killing. My first song with a little bit of finger picking was one of their compositions. Times of India is making a mockery of it.

    There's this whole conspiracy theory of F1 being a Maya event and hence Gurgaon and Delhi couldn't care less. The police didn't even know about it until late evening. They've gone on record saying the same.

    It's been a while but seriously this blog always cheers me up :)

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  20. loved Govinda and Formula 1 and "sour grapes' thingy and 'mamu'...
    amusing as usual.
    btw,apart from metallica being the heart breaking news...to top it up we also had a complete showdown when bryan adams wasn't given a clearance to perform here( for reason i don't wish to know)

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  21. I wonder how soon the walls of the newly built F1 venue receive the paan stains, and how soon the circuit would be opened for the VIPs to try their luck at racing.

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  22. sab ko le liye-from Rakhi to Govinda to Shiney to those who are the "fast" types and "with gun" types and also to Lady Gaga*i just don't understand or can stand that woman!:-)

    and apsarayen from heaven dropping drinks dangling n all-my god, really?
    now THAT should be more talked about than the ra1 er...F-1:-)

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  23. Sorry, but i find govinda movies more entertaining than F1...:)
    but yea, Delhi did beat mumbai as far as infrastructure and F1 is concerned...But i would still prefer Mumbai to Delhi... :D...

    great post as always :)

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  24. Pzes...The organizers messed it up and a few fans turned vandals.

    Zephyr...In collaboration with Jaypee bhaiyya :)

    PeeVee...When you have money to splurge decadence touches new heights.

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  25. Wow, I didnt know Dilliwallas have so many treats in store...Metallica (replay on?)Gaga, firang apsaras.....well, well, u sure beat mumbai hollow!

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  26. Chintan...Hehe...Mumbai bashing is always fun.

    Sharmila...And she nailed it! Beautifully put :)

    Ajay...Arrey I waited 15 posts before I took the liberty of mentioning Ms Sawant!

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  27. Jack...Thank you Sir.

    Ana-treek...So much fun can sometimes be injurious to your health.

    Cloud Nine...Ironically I have not watched a single movie or reality show of hers. The other day when Ms Sawant was on a news channel giving her sound bytes, did I realize that she's much worse than my portrayals :p

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  28. Siddhartha...Really? And I thought Gujarat was going great guns under the leadership of Mr Modi.

    Prats...I split up imagining Gaga swathed in soya bean chaap - oh the horrors!

    And Switty tera pyaar should be playing at Lap!

    Mayank...One F1 team consumes over 2lac litres of fuel! Sheer wastage if you ask me.

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  29. Rachit...I read somewhere that Hamilton was pretty impressed with the track.

    Giribala...I won't be able to put myself through three hours of torture :(

    Rahul..And the escalating costs don't help either.

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  30. Alka....Hahah...We deserve Mika and Daler!

    Ujjwal...Finally in college and in a new city! Life must now be so different for you.

    And my sympathies for the blokes who booked tickets for Bryan Adams and then Metallica!

    A grain....DNA has been banned from organizing any events in Gurgaon. International bands expect professionalism, it's high time event management companies realized that!

    Kumar....I'd rather see Maya behen chase Rahul Baba with her Dalit fans cheering her on!

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  31. Raghu...:)

    Suruchi...I like Ra.one especially when he's not trying to act!

    Spiritual Sinner...We rock :D

    SUB...I love the people but as a city it's suffocating.

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  32. The sad part is that all Delhi -haters are gloating on this as another one up for their cities...sad state of affairs but the blame, for me, lies entirely on the organizers!

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  33. the good comes with bad! And above all ,ye India hai..yaha sab kuch 'smoothly' and 'perfectly' kaise ho sakta hai?
    But yet, the optimistic in me (or rather in all of us) knows its a positive sign for many a new roads to pen up. fingers crossed*


    sarah

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  34. heheheheheh you are funny and yeah DALLY wala BALLE BALLE

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  35. An exquisite piece except on two counts:

    1. Your dig at Mumbai is unjustified. Remember, Mumbai ke paas Shiela hai, Jawaan wali and doesn't she symbolize the entire tinsel town? And Lady Gaga is not even the dust off her footprints.

    2. Your conclusion is vicious. These racers are finest sportsmen of their kind and they are as good as our cricketers, if not better. So send them to the gallows, send them to the gas chamber if you have heart set on that, but send them to die watching Ra.one ?

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  36. My first visit to your blog - courtesy Siddhartha Joshi. Hilarious post.

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  37. Nice post. I specially liked the last part - "Lewis Hamilton and his ilk drive on our crater...". Totally agree, it would have been a "perfect paisa vasool". :)

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  38. Aman...Absolutely...They oversold the tickets and didn't have enough security at the venue. A classic case of gross mismanagement.

    Sarah...We have a strong global presence. With Europe in doldrums, investors are making a beeline for our country.

    The last thing we need is people sniggering and saying - see we told you so!

    maniac.hunter...Funny hopefully for the right reasons :)

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  39. Umashankar...Sheila is imported, remember?
    And have you heard the latest? Ra.One was shown on an airplane. People still walked out.

    R.Ramakrishnan...Glad :)

    Suman...We should suggest this to Bernie Ecclestone :)

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  40. Absolutely. Then perhaps he would also come up with his own "F.One"(with schumacher in the lead role :))

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  41. Can drive on Delhi Roads : i have to agree that really is a skill!
    And yes, Humara Dilli Badal Raha Hai, for good :D

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  42. what a wonderful thoughts. c.v. part, is one of a kind. I think my son will qualify at least for that on his c.v.

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  43. where do you get all this info .. lady gaga in spinach but then I am sure she is after the MEAT Dress she had ...

    and wait wait soon Bollywood will have a movie F-1 tooo :)

    he he he liked the post ..

    Bikram's

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  44. Suman...Ha.1 :))

    Defiant Princess....Yep...and not just cosmetic changes.

    pramod...Ahh...he is in Delhi?

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  45. Sujatha...:)

    Nona...Thanks

    Bikram....Apparently she tore Tahiliani's sari to shreds before she wore it for her performance!

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  46. Hi Purba,

    Could you please share your mail id? Need to connect regarding an upcoming website.

    thanks
    garima
    garima.s@trendsutra.com

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  47. Drivers in Delhi flash guns at the honk of a horn? For real? now I'm positively scared.

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  48. Thoroughly enjoyed ur post...not very familiar with the comparison between Delhi and Mumbai though.
    People walking out of plane... hilarious!!!

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  49. younger one is doing stats hons. at hindu college,north campus in delhi, 1st yr. will be giving exams now. very fond of driving car in delhi,

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  50. Okay first things first. I have to say your blog hates me. I swear I commented on this, but it seems it didn't show up.
    Also Delhi drivers pull out guns at the slightest provocation like a honk of a horn? Now I'm positively scared.
    *hoping this time this comment gets posted*

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  51. Deepa...Thanks to SRK and his megalomaniac ways, we are all having a good laugh.

    Pramod...Sounds good and hope he's loving it here.

    Samadrita...I wish I could give a sound thrashing to blogger. Damn! where's that gun of mine :p

    But so sorry that you have to face this.

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  52. Just in two words..
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Nice post.. :)

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  53. Fun and gud to read...:)
    Loved these lines
    "Mere pass Ring Road hai, Metro hai, flyovers hai - tumhare pass kya hai Mamu? "

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  54. You couldnt be more right on!!

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  55. Delhi aur Delhi hote hi alag hai jee..Pad kar bahut maza aaya jee! Good post capturing great places in a humorous way!

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  56. Rajkiran...Thank you.

    Ankitha...Hahah

    bemoneyaware...Yep...part ironic, partly funny :)

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  57. Delhi becoming a megacity jee! Good one!
    Did you go see Lady Gaga and her antics?

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  58. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  59. This is my second post in the space of two days. Love the humour. Still, give me Mumbai any day where I somehow feel more people are less elitist.

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  60. Ambika...Nah...too expensive :)

    KM...Agree Delhi is more obsessed with lineage and pay packets :)

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  61. Nic writing.. showing the current phase of Delhi !!

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