First the good news – I finally managed my first ever foreign trip and that too without a visa. The bad news – I have been kidnapped.
Remember the golden deer I was soo excited about? It turned out to be as fake as Aunty Sumitra's Louis Vuitton bags. And trust Ram and Laks-man to go running after it. Before I could scream Come back you imbeciles, I spotted that weird Abhishekh Bachhan lookalike winking wildly at me. God! I was so mad that I had to come out of my eco friendly hut to give him one tight slap. And you know what that moron does? Pushes me straight into his private jet. Damn! Why did I leave my pepper spray behind?
Sometimes the universe conspires to give you hell.
Weirdo’s private jet was kinda strange – an open topped thingy that totally messed up my hair. Of course I was screaming and throwing a royal fit and that ass kept going hahaha. Incidentally my dear abductor has a bizarre name – Ra-One. Bwahaha!
Ra-one is such a heartless slob. Great, that you found me so irresistible that you had to kidnap me. The least you can do is make the girl happy, right? But what does he do instead? Turn a deaf ear when I plead with him to make a stop-over at the ATM in Smaller- Kailash so that I can withdraw some pocket-money. Brute. But I got my sweet revenge soon. A giant eagle, Jatayu, flew over our jet and pooped right on his head. Serve you right! And guess what the barbarian does, he chops that poor birdie’s wings off. Why I ask? When you could have simply offered Jatayu a few diapers instead...
Men, I tell you.
Then it suddenly struck me, what if Ram can never ever find me again? What if he says...”Oops I lost my wifey” and proceeds to live happily ever after? I can’t let that happen, can I? So I start dropping my trinkets (only the cheap ones if you please) and leave clues for my husband.
Ha! Now hubby dear can’t claim to be clueless.
Ra-One has brought me to this strange land, Lanka and he’s like the king or something. And man! Is he loaded! You should see his city. All that glitters is gold here. Can you imagine, even their buildings are made of it! Their gold fixation can put even Bappi Lahiri to shame. But I found it too blingy for my taste. And the afternoons here are torturous. The dazzle hurts my eyes and I don’t even have my Versace shades.
But I believe every cloud has a golden lining. The other night when I was busy swatting mosquitoes, I got an idea that can change Paa’s life. All he needs to do is accuse Ra-one of hiding WMD’s and then he can invade Lanka and finally get rid of his debt crisis. Brilliant, right!
Lanka may be friggin’ rich but I am being made to twiddle my thumbs under a tree. Imagine getting abducted from a jungle only to be put in another one. So tragic naa? Agreed that the forest is kind of well cared for and has a fancy name, Ashok Vatika, but why can’t I get a plush suite instead - with a plunge pool, soft bed and room service? Isn’t a beautiful woman like me entitled to some tender loving and care?
What a lousy host this Ra-One is. Royalty, my foot, is this how you treat your guests!
Strangely people out here are rather dark. Hello people, don’t you ever use Fair and Lovely? And remember that bitch Surpanakha. I finally saw her without makeup and a seriously messed-up nose job. Gosh! Doesn’t she look ugly. Thank God! I didn’t accept her friend request on FB.
It’s been two weeks since I landed in Lanka and I am already bored to death. I urgently need to be rescued. Why, I’m even missing my FB friends! Maa, can you please ask Ram to turn his GPS on? It will be so much simpler for him to locate me.
And I suspect his highness, Ra-One, suffers from a serious multiple personality disorder – sometimes loony, sometimes moony, sometime giggly, mostly sulky. How on Earth do I manage to attract such creepy specimens all the time?
Oh and today was epic, the loony bin actually had the nerve to ask me to marry him. What cheek! I shouted Shakal dekhi hai apnee aine mein? And don’t you know I am MARRIED? Once my Mister gets here, you ass will be on fire, mind it!
You know Maa, I almost threw up on his face. It’s not so difficult you know; as such the food here makes me pukey. Every damn dish of theirs has kari patta and coconut! And the other day someone served me something with claws. I think they call it a crab. Eww...
Hey! Isn’t that a cute creature with a tail staring at me from behind the bushes! Aww...he looks just like one of those characters from Planet of Apes. Come ...come...want a banana? Ahh you have a name too- Hanu-man did you say?