Monday, October 17, 2011

This is Sita Reporting Live

Concluding Episode

Mommy love,

I can safely say that today was the most miserable day of my life.  Yes, I had a head on collision with the moment that every woman dreads so much.   We try hard to avoid it with yoga, zero carbs and botox.  Yet there’s no escaping its cruel inevitability.

I believe the animal kingdom, in collaboration with foreign hand, has hatched a conspiracy against me.  First a deer pretending to be golden gets me abducted then an ape-man dressed in Super- man gear, crashes my vanity into smithereens.   

Maa you won’t believe this, that Hanu-man called ME, Matajee! Imagine a grown-up ape-man calling me that! This is even worse than Aunty.  When I heard that god damn awful word, my entire neuro-sensory system stopped responding.  My world came crashing down.  All I could hear was the sound of my sobbing heart.  “Does he think I am old?” “Have I aged overnight?” “Is this the end of my youth?” “Why me??” 
Sitasingstheblues.com

Just as I was preparing to launch into a tirade against men with juvenile aspirations, Hanu-man flashed his ID as Ram’s search engine.  My heart was split in half now- one half wanted to continue crying for a lost youth and the other half wanted to go “Yahooooo!”  Imagine my Ram, actually making efforts to send a snail-male to trawl for his missing wife! 

Guess all those hours on his laptop playing mindless games did not damage his brains after all. 


But when Hanu-man offered me a free ride home on his back, I had to put my foot down.  What makes Ram think he can take a shortcut and outsource his responsibility to a vanar in red chaddi!  I expect my husband to turn up, challenge Ra-One to a duel in the sun and take me back honourably.  And I have promised Ra-One that my Mister will set his ass on fire.  I can’t go back on my word can I? 

I tell you, my simian savior is one senti chap.  One look at my tear stained face and he went on a tree uprooting rampage.  Sadly the CCTV’s caught Hanu-man’s emotional outburst and he was promptly arrested.  But it was only when he was threatened to be deported to Big Boss 5 to give Shakti-man company, did he completely lose his bearings.  He set Lanka on fire with his ignited tail. 

Strangely Lanka with all its riches doesn’t have a fire brigade. 

Now that Ra-One is pretty much aware that I have Bodyguards who can do much more than sing songs sans their shirts, I have been granted certain privileges; like getting newspapers every morning with my morning tea.  And thanks to Hanu-man’s daredevilry, Ram has acquired a cult status here.  If the man’s courier boy is such a bomb, the man himself has to be an A-bomb.

Since Ram is now a bonafide rockstar, Times of Lanka has started publishing his tweets.  I am thrilled to bits that my man is now an international celebrity and rubbing shoulders with the likes of Paris Hilton and KRK.   And last week his follower list crossed the 1 million mark – isn’t that awesome Maa! 

Anyhow I can now keep tabs on what Ram’s up to.

In talks with monkey engineer, Nala.

Nala to build a bridge that will put even the Worli Link to shame 

Just signed a peace pact with Varuna, the sea God

Man, do these monkeys love “We will rock you”!  Freddy would have been so proud!

Completed the bridge in 5 days flat -try beating that China! #monkeyingaround

On my way to Lanka with my funky monkeys to save wifey.

@Ra-One If you have drunk your mother’s milk, come and show me your face you Rascalaa! 

Laks-man knocked senseless by Ra-One’s missile.

Lanka’s stock of missiles will put even North Korea to shame.

Ra-One’s son Indrajeet is an awesome illusionist. #respect

@ Indrajeet WTF are you doing in Lanka, you should be in Las Vegas earning fat wads of dollars. 

Laks-man in coma #Oh-no-not-again

@ Hanu-man Need Sanjeevani booti ASAP

@ Hanu-man Did you really have to bring the entire mountain? #dumb antics

Finally managed to fell pesky Ra-One with my Brahmaastra #ikickass

;) RT @ Paris Hilton…Ooh that’s hot!

Gawd! Can Ra-One talk, even on his death bed the man insists on giving gyaan #Yawn

Ra-One enroute to heaven, Lanka seized, honour restored, time to go back home, sweet home.

Oops I forgot all about Sita, where the hell is she? 

The moment I read his last tweet, I booked an appointment for an image makeover.  The least I could do was look my prettiest best for my Ram. 

Maa, what I’ll write now will break your heart.  The husband for whose sake I left the Palace, didn’t think twice before following him to the jungles, cooked and cleaned all day in a poorly ventilated hut, got his name tattooed on my nape, pined for him, followed his idiotic tweets religiously - the same man greets me with a dead fish look and says since you’ve been with my enemy for a year, I shouldn’t be taking you back!  What cheek! As if I took a luxury cruise to Lanka!  As if I invited Ra-One to come and kidnap me!  As if staying in a vatika with ugly women for company was one big party!  As if it was fun eating grub cooked in coconut oil!  Dear Hubs, do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to keep my sanity intact, living in a hostile country, fending off an amorous king – I did it all for your sake, you self righteous moron!  

No, you don’t deserve me, my love or my respect.  Goodbye Ram.  And before you trudge back to Ayodhya to lead a sad, lonely life, let me share this piece of news with you. Thappar-Colin has offered me a multimillion dollar book contract to write my memoirs.  I just said yes to them and guess who the villain will be in my book? 

 Now if you will excuse me, I have a book to write.  

I can’t believe I said it Maa.  Gosh, this feels so good!

Your liberated daughter
Sita
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90 comments:

  1. Fantastic piece of writing...all 3 episodes...sharing on tweeter

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  2. haha.. too good, i hope all Indian women will be as liberated as sita :-p

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  3. you said that many don't dare say. A brilliant post.

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  4. Indeed, you are really brave Purba, hats off to you. I have seen many people who call people who support all religions and thinks about huminity as main religion as psuedo-secularists and blasts them on line and you should see their language and I wonder how people who respect Gods and goddesses and who have "lots of moral" can speak/ write like that!

    I call these people as pseudo-religious people.
    Some people who think Hindus are making fun of their own gods and no respect and things like that and hence they think hindus should respect their Gods and Goddess and think our mythology as history..

    I am sure you will meet such people, but you have my vote and my support ( online that is :-))

    What to go lady..

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  5. Brilliant piece.Amazing conclusion.Emancipated Sita!!Way to go!!

    My world,my thoughts,my musings...

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  6. I am howling with laughter. This should be everywhere. Where's the share button? Where? Where?! :D

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  7. Paris Hilton, SRK, KRK and Sanjeevni booti....a witty cocktail once again.

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  8. Oh my goodness! Loved it... Especially the tweets... hehe I couldn't stop laughing!
    *reading it again*

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  9. ;) RT @ Paris Hilton oooh that's hot! - I cannot for the life of me imagine Ram saying this:P When I do, I can't stop laughing.
    Ram's tweets were the highlight in this for me:D

    Madame, are you this funny in real life?:D

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  10. Was that one feel-good post! Loved this liberated Sita. And the tweets! ROFL. Thappar-colin indeed. I am sure the original ones are trying to reach you to write a best seller for them. Way to go Purba. :)

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  11. Awesome awesome awesome!!! Especially the tweets and the end..amazing Purba:)

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  12. Have you taken some kinda pledge to rewrite own version of Ramayan ?? Hilarious!!

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  13. It may appear insanely hilarious and sacrilegious but it delivers its punch of bitter truths with full force. This has been a truly A-musing series.

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  14. Lol.. Paris Hilton in this equation! Straaange :)


    Brilliant Series Purba!

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  15. Matajee bola .. I was expecting .. Hey MAATE :) or yo babe ..

    He he he This made me laugh and smile as always THANK YOU.. Was not haveing a good day ...


    and good lunk on that Million dollar contract book deal .. CHakk de FAtte ... :)

    Bikram's

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  16. The Grand Finale!!!It could not have a better ending....Remarkable series!!

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  17. :D Welcome back.....and brilliant, I say, simply brilliant. Please, re-read my comment on your previous post, I don't have much words.
    Can I ask you a favour? Can I get a printed and signed copy of this "Sita" series, please?

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  18. Hahaha! Read all three of 'em altogether. Witty re, witty. :)

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  19. :'( Mataji!! It never felt that bad....

    I would like to purchase her book please :)

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  20. Duh! The series is over??? Oh no, please start some other series soon. This is a serial laugh riot, Purba! Loved this!!!

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  21. Thanks to you Purba, I read this much of Ramayana. I hope I will be blessed as those reading Sunderkand are blessed. Jai Sri Sita!!

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  22. This is not just fantastic humour, but excellent satire, as always. How do you do it, Purba Di?
    I'm dumbstruck as to how you turned it all around. It was hilarious and then you made me think.
    The conclusion was phenomenal.

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  23. sexy post jee....damn why i didnt think of this ;)

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  24. God Purba how do you do it !! what an Excellent piece of writing ! Am sharing this series on FB/buzz - This deserves to be read by everybody ! And I simply love the ending !

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  25. Was funny :) #respect
    -Aashica.

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  26. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  27. THOROUGHLY AWESOME!
    Ram is A-bomb and not a bomb;just like A-musing is not just a musing, its amusing though :D

    chronicles of her new book out as yet ? ;):D

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  28. I wish you would have elaborated on the separation part in one more episode. The movie (Sita sings the blues) does a fantastic job at that.

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  29. Purba: you are the BEST! When will you publish the blog as a bokok? Am waiting....

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  30. Suman...Delighted that you liked.

    Bhavana..I'd like to believe that things are looking up for us.

    Neeraj...The intent was not malicious :)

    Blue...Feel humbled :)

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  31. Bhavana...We are all entitled to our opinions and strangely there are no rights and wrongs.

    Upasana...Sita of the 21st century will not take injustice!

    Alka...Haha..I refrained from mentioning Ms Sawant.

    Chandana...Please don't stop :D

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  32. Enchanta....Isn't it right underneath? :p

    PeeVee...That you will have to ask my friends :)

    Zephyr...Ramayana apparently has 300 versions, so why exclude Sita's version!

    alchemist...Glad.

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  33. Pooja....How else can Sita know what her dear hubby is up to? :D

    Vishal...As long as I won't have Ram Sene gunning for my life.

    Umashankar...I was apprehensive writing about Sita's reaction when she is asked to prove her purity. And I certainly didn't want her to go down with putting up a fight.

    Pzes...Ha! she was a last minute inclusion.

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  34. Bikram...Multimillion contract with millions of jooteys :p

    Rahul...Thank you.

    Snow...Why don't you write Laks-man's version?

    Prateek....Yeh tumne achha kiyaa :)

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  35. Chintan...Me too...me too...

    Nivedita...Trust me I"ll get withdrawal symptoms too :)

    Giribala...And thanks to this series, I got to revise my Ramayana as well.

    D2...It's not too tough. All I have to do is imagine my readers disappointment if I end up writing a shoddy piece. It's fear that drives me :)

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  36. manic.hunter... Tum kuchh aur soch lena :)

    Bhagyashree...Thanks so much.

    Ruchira...And I can now sigh in relief :)

    Tool...When I wrote the first post, I had no intention of making it into a series :)

    And Sita sings the blues is a brilliant piece of work.

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  37. Nice writting

    Regards,
    J
    http://mycreationz.wordpress.com

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  38. Aativas...Hahaha...I will be needing bodyguards, if it ever gets published.

    Aneeta...Arre you are getting to read it on my blog!

    A grain of sand...Sigh..nahin re :)

    Aashica...#ismile

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  39. Okie enough is enough! YOU SHOULD STOP THIS ASAP!
    My stomach aches considering the amount is laughed! Now even my jaw aches!
    I like this Sita! I really do!
    Also RICH LANKS WITH FIRE BRIGADE NON EXISTANT..
    Gahahahahah!

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  40. Couldn't stop myself from laughing after reading all the 3 episodes..!!! Luved it..

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  41. mycreationz ...:)

    Red Handed...Well I am stopping it now. The series has come to an end and I am suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

    Raghu...So glad :)

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  42. Hanu-man is an interesting character no? Giving free rides on his back n all :D
    Lol at your withdrawal symptoms comment above!

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  43. Yes I understand that ur intent was not malicious. And again, bravo for the brave and humorous post.

    http://probinglife.blogspot.com

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  44. I totally loved the tweets... and the makeover part ... :D :D :D

    But i hate that this is the conclusion.. :( :( :(

    Yeh Dil maange more Purba :) :) :)

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  45. Read all 3 epsds back to back. Thouroughly entertained. :D

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  46. Oh man you are really KILLING it these days! #Awesomeness

    #TweetLikeRaOne

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  47. hahahaha...an awesome read as always Purba! I missed your blog :)

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  48. that was lateral and how. loved the ra-one!

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  49. Ambika...In the Thai version of the Ramayana, he is quite the ladies man!

    SuKupedia...Had it gone on and on, you and I would have been bored out of our wits :)

    Pooja...Delighted to be at your service :)

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  50. Kartikay...This is ghor kalyug where G-One battles Ra-One :D

    Siddhartha...And I was missing your comments :)

    confusedyuppie...Thank you Madame.

    Neeraj...The Ramayana had 300 versions, each with it's own interpretations. So how do we know what is right, what is wrong?

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  51. Now that you have done with the mini series - you can think of the prequels.!

    Good enjoyable read.

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  52. I (super) like the tweets.

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  53. my god..what a superb end to ekdum rapchik three episodes-but why did you have to end it here...it was soooooooo much fun!

    i can't say what made me smile the biggest here-mata ji, the tweets, the CCTV, the vanar in red chaddhi,Big Boss to ra-one...sab ko dho dhaala:-)

    *bowing down again before the Blog Goddess*
    :-)

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  54. Gyanban...Ha! don't give me ideas.

    Nona...thanks!

    Suruchi...It was soo much fun writing it. Will miss it too :)

    Blog Goddess! who me? Nahin re, I am happy being a flawed female.

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  55. Ah what a fitting end to this Purba-di version of Ramayana. In my books, Ram was always the bad guy and not Ra.one. He deserted his pregnant wife in the middle of a freakin jungle and disappeared. x-(
    Also, Thappar-colin - *snicker*
    And the tweets are awesome. :D

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  56. just read this post to my wifey and we had a great laugh. My sonny who is a big fan of Ramayana caught a few words and came running. Ofcourse I dont want him to hear the real story. Let him grow up with mythology we all knew till you enlightened us. ;-)

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  57. Absolutely brilliant! Loved the climax! I was ready to fall off the chair when I read the "matajee" part. Awesome!

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  58. Oh, btw, if you feel like it, I would love to read more on this Ramayan. May be you could start from the beginning and take us through the life of this Sita in your own style? :)

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  59. Samadrita....We have read only the Valmiki version. Not all versions are as harsh to Ravan.

    Mayank...Ha! I wouldn't want to be accused of corrupting your child.

    Sunil...There's not much about Sita before her marriage. And if I start referring to other versions of Ramayan, it will create a needless controversy :)

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  60. Enjoyed your Ram-a-(g)yan!Read the last episode in a hurry for want of time,then revisited all three together at leisure.
    Superlike-//No, you don’t deserve me, my love or my respect. Goodbye Ram... and guess who the villain will be in my book?//
    My similar views angered my Dadi years ago and my poor mom had to bear the brunt.
    Could not agree more-.//We are all entitled to our opinions and strangely there are no rights and wrongs.//
    What next Purba??:))

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  61. original, humorous to the hilt......yet such a nice way to bring about serious msg so subtlety.....absolutely fab piece of writing!!

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  62. Do I need to say it again that it's just awesome? Anyway, why is it concluding post? Are you planning to write mahabarath next?

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  63. Liberated Sita! It was great reading ur Ramayan Purba....I had a really really Good laugh all the while:)))))))))))

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  64. Sharmila...I do not really understand why disagreement is misconstrued as disrespect.

    Nivi...And I so enjoyed writing it. Thank you so much!

    Nethra...Girl, don't give me ideas :D

    Deepa...And you read so many of my posts, in one sitting :)

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  65. Absolutely brilliant, loved all the three parts

    -BWsketches

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  66. Absolute laugh riot from the beginning, 'Sita Reporting Live' to the liberated Sita in the end. The Red Chaddi man who needed Sanjeevani booti ASAP wins my vote for best casting in this episode.

    Sad this series has ended.

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  67. Hi...I loved all the 3 episodes..it was hilarious...refreshing...
    I loved the tweets....ROFL!
    And the last part was the best where our liberated Sita dumped Ram for mistrust.. :p

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  68. wow! thats a better ending than real one...

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  69. maatajee ....ROFL

    why did it end here .. wished it would have continued .. damn they should have extended ramayan a bit more post exile .. so that we had a new episode to read here in this series :P

    loved it!!!

    regards
    rahul

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  70. bwsketches ...Thank you

    Joshi...Hehe...delighted that you liked.

    Manju...Sita should have read my posts for gyaan :p

    not a critic...Floored :)

    Rahul...I had a blast writing this series:)

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  71. This is A-Wesome with a Hyphen.. you write so well and glad to connect with you through IB.
    LOve Ash.

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  72. Haha! Wonder how I missed this one. Hilarious! And best of luck with the book :)

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  73. Mata, I hope Thappar-Colin approaches you with a good deal. This was such an amazing series!

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  74. Good read.
    A correction tho...Lakshmana had not eaten, slept, or seen the face of a woman for fourteen years.
    Your post implies he ate a lot.

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    Replies
    1. I'm not as well-read as you are. Thank you for this priceless nugget of information.

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  75. What a hilarious series!

    You deserve an award for this one. Awesome is the word :)

    Can I expect a Draupadi series?

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  76. You're lucky you're not in India. I suggested a sequel to the Ramayana to my editor and he almost fainted. I had to sprinkle his face with water.

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    1. I wrote this series when I was in India.

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  77. awesomely represented ...... loved it ...

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  78. Still laughing..it's been about an hour since I finished reading it and I am craving for more and more...awww...I didn't know Sita was so modern..!

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  79. Too gud. Couldn't wait to read all the three episodes in one go. Then to re-read them .... Awesome

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