I can safely say that today was the most miserable day of my life. Yes, I had a head on collision with the moment that every woman dreads so much. We try hard to avoid it with yoga, zero carbs and botox. Yet there’s no escaping its cruel inevitability.
I believe the animal kingdom, in collaboration with foreign hand, has hatched a conspiracy against me. First a deer pretending to be golden gets me abducted then an ape-man dressed in Super- man gear, crashes my vanity into smithereens.
Maa you won’t believe this, that Hanu-man called ME, Matajee! Imagine a grown-up ape-man calling me that! This is even worse than Aunty. When I heard that god damn awful word, my entire neuro-sensory system stopped responding. My world came crashing down. All I could hear was the sound of my sobbing heart. “Does he think I am old?” “Have I aged overnight?” “Is this the end of my youth?” “Why me??”
Just as I was preparing to launch into a tirade against men with juvenile aspirations, Hanu-man flashed his ID as Ram’s search engine. My heart was split in half now- one half wanted to continue crying for a lost youth and the other half wanted to go “Yahooooo!” Imagine my Ram, actually making efforts to send a snail-male to trawl for his missing wife!
Guess all those hours on his laptop playing mindless games did not damage his brains after all.
But when Hanu-man offered me a free ride home on his back, I had to put my foot down. What makes Ram think he can take a shortcut and outsource his responsibility to a vanar in red chaddi! I expect my husband to turn up, challenge Ra-One to a duel in the sun and take me back honourably. And I have promised Ra-One that my Mister will set his ass on fire. I can’t go back on my word can I?
I tell you, my simian savior is one senti chap. One look at my tear stained face and he went on a tree uprooting rampage. Sadly the CCTV’s caught Hanu-man’s emotional outburst and he was promptly arrested. But it was only when he was threatened to be deported to Big Boss 5 to give Shakti-man company, did he completely lose his bearings. He set Lanka on fire with his ignited tail.
Strangely Lanka with all its riches doesn’t have a fire brigade.
Now that Ra-One is pretty much aware that I have Bodyguards who can do much more than sing songs sans their shirts, I have been granted certain privileges; like getting newspapers every morning with my morning tea. And thanks to Hanu-man’s daredevilry, Ram has acquired a cult status here. If the man’s courier boy is such a bomb, the man himself has to be an A-bomb.
Since Ram is now a bonafide rockstar, Times of Lanka has started publishing his tweets. I am thrilled to bits that my man is now an international celebrity and rubbing shoulders with the likes of Paris Hilton and KRK. And last week his follower list crossed the 1 million mark – isn’t that awesome Maa!
Anyhow I can now keep tabs on what Ram’s up to.
In talks with monkey engineer, Nala.
Nala to build a bridge that will put even the Worli Link to shame
Just signed a peace pact with Varuna, the sea God
Man, do these monkeys love “We will rock you”! Freddy would have been so proud!
Completed the bridge in 5 days flat -try beating that China! #monkeyingaround
On my way to Lanka with my funky monkeys to save wifey.
@Ra-One If you have drunk your mother’s milk, come and show me your face you Rascalaa!
Laks-man knocked senseless by Ra-One’s missile.
Lanka’s stock of missiles will put even North Korea to shame.
Ra-One’s son Indrajeet is an awesome illusionist. #respect
@ Indrajeet WTF are you doing in Lanka, you should be in Las Vegas earning fat wads of dollars.
Laks-man in coma #Oh-no-not-again
@ Hanu-man Need Sanjeevani booti ASAP
@ Hanu-man Did you really have to bring the entire mountain? #dumb antics
Finally managed to fell pesky Ra-One with my Brahmaastra #ikickass
;) RT @ Paris Hilton…Ooh that’s hot!
Gawd! Can Ra-One talk, even on his death bed the man insists on giving gyaan #Yawn
Ra-One enroute to heaven, Lanka seized, honour restored, time to go back home, sweet home.
Oops I forgot all about Sita, where the hell is she?
The moment I read his last tweet, I booked an appointment for an image makeover. The least I could do was look my prettiest best for my Ram.
Maa, what I’ll write now will break your heart. The husband for whose sake I left the Palace, didn’t think twice before following him to the jungles, cooked and cleaned all day in a poorly ventilated hut, got his name tattooed on my nape, pined for him, followed his idiotic tweets religiously - the same man greets me with a dead fish look and says since you’ve been with my enemy for a year, I shouldn’t be taking you back! What cheek! As if I took a luxury cruise to Lanka! As if I invited Ra-One to come and kidnap me! As if staying in a vatika with ugly women for company was one big party! As if it was fun eating grub cooked in coconut oil! Dear Hubs, do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to keep my sanity intact, living in a hostile country, fending off an amorous king – I did it all for your sake, you self righteous moron!
No, you don’t deserve me, my love or my respect. Goodbye Ram. And before you trudge back to Ayodhya to lead a sad, lonely life, let me share this piece of news with you. Thappar-Colin has offered me a multimillion dollar book contract to write my memoirs. I just said yes to them and guess who the villain will be in my book?
Now if you will excuse me, I have a book to write.
I can’t believe I said it Maa. Gosh, this feels so good!
Your liberated daughter