Monday, December 26, 2011

Even Santa Needs A Break!


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A day after Christmas, Santa is back home recuperating.  Jetlagged and nursing a terrible tummy ache, he yells for an elf to get antacid in his favourite orange flavour from the nearby pharmacy.  His dietician had advised an all veggie diet to control his burgeoning weight.  So he had stuck to having just Pizzas all through his world tour.  Wasn’t it the Congressional delegation from Minnesota that had declared Pizza as a vegetable?  And who knows better than the Senate!  To force all that pepperoni down his gullet, he had swigged copious quantities of Cola which boasts of containing no traces of fruit at all.  But despite his healthy intake, Santa had managed to put on another 15 pounds, got stuck in chimneys and had to be rescued by the Fire Brigade.  So much for the surprise!

Santa was tired of being old all his life.  Imagine a life with no teen angst, no cause to rebel and no mid-life crisis!  To make it worse, his contract with “ChrissyMissy” forbade him to dye his hair black.  Nopes, he was not allowed to look young, feel young and yet he was expected to go ho-ho-ho all the time.  Stuck with the same hairstyle and delivering gifts in a horrendously red business suit, he had started feeling like a glorified courier boy.  

On top of it, he had to deal with imbeciles who thought that working one night a year and spending the rest judging whether kids have been naughty or nice – life was one big party for him!  Santa wished he could show them, how it felt to work overtime on a night, when the whole world was making merry.  Carrying a gargantuan sack full of gifts.... dealing with the pressure of a deadline... navigating reindeers with zero sense of direction...sliding down all those dirty chimneys... Try spending some time in North Pole dude, with just reindeers and elves for company!  

There were days Santa Claus wished he could run off to Hawaii, spend the rest of his endless life drinking Pina Colada and doing the hula in a grass skirt. 


And kids have become so demanding these days!  Gone are the days when they were happy with toy soldiers and trains.  Now all of them had mutated into gizmos freaks.  How on Earth was he supposed to manage an iPad 2 or a Nintendo WII?  His elves were trained to make just toys, dammit!  A brat even had the gall to ask for a Lamborghini!  Yea right! While he had to traverse the whole wide world on a pre-historic sleigh!

Mr Claus was now seriously considering sourcing cheap replicas from China.  With North Pole fast turning into Greenland, he could always utilize his out-of-work-elves for organic farming.   He had often dreamt of a farm with stress free cows and laidback chickens.  Santa’s butter, sourced from peace loving cows.  Make your Christmas healthier with Santa-Claus Broccoli.  

But this Christmas, Santa had an interesting encounter in Siberia, when he’d stopped for a coffee break at Starbucks.  While parking his sleigh, he noticed a shiny looking chariot.  Intrigued he walked inside, only to spot two bespectacled old men dressed in Santa suits carrying sackfuls of a book – Bhagwad Gita.  Yes, it had to be them!  Advani and Jaitley had come all the way from India to de-stress the Siberians.  The poor sods had mistaken the Gita as a war manual with complicated instructions.  With hundreds of books to deliver, A & J looked pretty stressed themselves.  The sweet souls they were, they left a gift for Santa as well – a DVD of the latest comic caper from Bollywood. 

It was getting late.  It was time for Santa to hit the bed.  But wait, he wanted to watch that movie on the brand new DVD player he had ordered on eBay.  He changes into his PJs in startling green (yes, he hates red), grabs a packet of Wasabi encrusted crisps and slips inside his reindeer skin comforter (God bless, Rudolf XXII).

The movie was a scream.  The lead actor tries to eat spaghetti and curd with his fingers and dies.  God gives him a makeover and sends him back as a robot with a strange name.   G-one with the wind spends the next 2 hours chasing trains, men, women (not necessarily in that order).  In between all this furious action, the robotic actor sings a funny song in a nasal voice and serenades an overly expressive woman - Chhamak Chhalo.  For emotional support, he has a bunch of barely clad dancers making cute faces in the background.    

(Since the author of this post was not brave enough to watch the movie herself, she cannot bullcrap anymore.)

By the time he finished watching Ra-One, Santa had tears in eyes: tears of laughter.   He couldn’t wait to watch the promised sequel of this laugh riot!

Santa switches on his Mac and starts surfing travel sites for cheap tickets to India.  He was dying to meet his doppelganger in India – thepla loving Chieftain of a Western state. In fact A & J mistook him for his double and greeted him like an old friend - Abey tu? 

Yes...Santa had made up his mind.  He will retire to India, meet his long-lost brother, get his hair dyed and live happily ever after with Chhamak Chhalo.  
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57 comments:

  1. Cant stop laughing, I'm gona read it all over again. Merry xmas. U just made mine merrier.

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  2. Well, everybody has different Santa and different way to look at him and life!

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  3. a laugh riot ....made my xmas more merrier :)

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  4. Ohh poor poor Santa!!

    By the way,one more surprise awaits Mr.Santa Claus if he does come to stay in India- That his name features prominently in SMS jokes here :P

    (That "Abey u?" just hit he nail on the head) :D

    Merry Christmas!!

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  5. Now that one is as sparkling as it can get! A hilarious take on Santa and the changing times. You have been kind enough to drag in A & J, Ra.one and the thepla loving leader of a wester state and deftly weave them in the tale.

    An absolutely refreshing post.

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  6. hee hee hee....if santa comes to india i am gonna catch him and say 'SADAAAA HAQ, AITHE RAKH' :P

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  7. In case Santa did opted for a retirement plan and settled in India, I bet he might get his Chhamak Challo, but would lose his peace and piece of mind.
    We never mention in our SMSes which Santa it is who is under the joke hammer making dumbest mistakes, a Sing(h)ing Santa, or a Santa Claus(e).

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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  8. One post does them all in! It was not just Santa who laughed. I am still laughing. Merry Christmas!

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  9. Great!! Hope Santa Ali Khan will be living happily ever after with Chhamak Challo :D

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  10. Lovely post Purba! A perfect Christmas gift. May your brilliant posts continue to tickle us through the New Year.. Best Wishes!!

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  11. No Rakhi in this one, eh?
    Personally I would hate red too, if I had to wear that uniform. No, wonder the Air Hostesses are leaving Kingfisher.
    You really ripped on Santa..but, why...why make him watch Ra One. You are so evil!
    He can manage iPad and Wii, but I hope he didn't get letters with demand for a Lokpal this year. That would have perplexed him.

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  12. Well I am laughing alright, but i do not want Santa to retire or tire :) :)
    Have a Happy New Year Purba

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  13. Santa flew to India for Chammak Challo but has fallen for Chikni Chameli.....he is leaning to maaro thumka with Kat.
    A Ho-Ho ha-ha post Purba.

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  14. Your blog is excellent. To get more visitors to your site submit your post at Stumblednews.0fees.net.

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  15. Pooja...In India we say Marry Christmas!

    Aativas...Ahha...she's a Santa fan :)

    Ruchira...Glad to be of assistance :)

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  16. Prosenjeet...>When Santa met Banta...

    umashankar...The Chieftain rarely breaks into a smile but when he does - doesn't he remind you of Santa?

    Madhav...And I"ll upload it on You tube and become famous!

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  17. Blasphemous Aesthete...I'd love to see Santa do balle balle:P

    zephyr....I was expecting a Ho Ho Ho :D

    Giribala...Guffaws at Santa Ali Khan.

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  18. hahaaaa......Merry Christmas...:D

    as usual a mesmerizing piece of write up Mad'm...:)

    wishing you a very happy new year...!!!

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  19. Rahul...Thank you for your wishes :)

    Snow Leopard....My mind is doing cartwheels trying to imagine him react to LokPal :p

    Purvi...I am sure he"ll continue to make our Christmas merry!

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  20. Alka...Isn't Chikni too aggressive for our cute Santa?

    Irfanuddin...Wishing you and your family a Happy New Year :)

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  21. Santa should take a leaf from Atlas Shrugged and take a break. Anna Hazare would surely have had asked him for Lokpal and that must have confused him, surely. No wonder he now plans to come to India and live freely with Chammak Challo. He wouldn't do bad by asking Lalu to be his successor either. Lalu would be able to do quite well considering he can surely pull off Chinese Lamborghinis that some brat might ask for.
    Awesome post, Purba Di. :D

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  22. Wonderful wonderful. I think ra-one is the best christmas movie ever!! Just kidding :P
    Hilarious post, Purba :)
    Hope you had a great xmas.

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  23. Good Lord, where do you get these ideas from! Amazing post, you're too good!

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  24. Goooooody goooody too goood...Where do you get this great ideas From???Is Santa Living in your backward during the rest of the year...and you chatting with him at your sweet time..Great Piece Purba ..Caught up with your blog after a long time.. Refreshing as ever...

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  25. LOL..Santa must definitely be hating red..wonderful post...and a marry Christmas to you too! :D

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  26. Purba,

    I was engrossed in reading woes of Santa and suddenly there were such twists that it made me say EK POST MEIN KITNE SHIKAAR? Laughed all the way till end.

    Take care

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  27. Beautiful...If Santa ever becomes a reality..he will first come to visit you.
    Afterall..who on earth takes pain to understand a Santa's point of view.
    Brilliant.

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  28. D2...You actually finished Atlas Shrugged!!! *Respect*

    Abhi...Ahh.. my Christmas was far from merry!

    sumitra...Hehehe...I have a bunch of wicked cells.

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  29. Rajesh...Santa and I love cribbing over a cup of filter coffee :D

    Rinaya...Thank you sweetheart.

    Jack...Aaj kaal ka haal hi aisa hai...Chup nahi raha jataa....

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  30. Viyoma....I heard the Government Of Finland sent one to Delhi. Unfortunately the chap doesn't read my blog.

    Santa...Feels weird saying thanks to Santa :p

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  31. Didn't you know, Santa is to file a case for impersonation that he faces in the 52th week, every year!

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  32. awesome!!!!! one heck of a post. btw to know the whole story of ra-one, watch the trailor or may be the poster.

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  33. Santa on a run :P And, if Santa takes on Indian citizenship might be people mistook him for the third Gandhi... We are quite obsessed with the people giving gifts with beard :P

    Weakest LINK

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  34. Harish G...Everybody wants to be Santa and Santa wants to be everybody else. Irony.

    factsandnonsense ....Guffaws...well said!

    Rachit...Gandhi was cleanshaven and so is his self proclaimed successor!

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  35. That's one hilarious post, Purba! Had a good time reading it:))) True, these days children are more demanding!
    Hope you had a nice Xmas weekend!

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  36. Ho HO hO...this is hilarious...and you can't do without politics, can you?:-)

    You are awesome when you twist Sita or Santa...and the scenario you created for poor Mr Claus in the beginning of the post, I could jump up and hug you for that...nobody understands Santa...everyone's so busy blasting him for things he might not even derive pleasure in:-)

    I soooooooooooo enjoyed this:-)

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  37. Came here from Sumitra's blog, and couldn't help commenting- this post is simply amazing! Really enjoyed reading it :D

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  38. Hilarious!!
    I loved this post!!!

    I died laughing at the Ra.One part!!

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  39. Hilarious!!
    I loved this post!!!

    I died laughing at the Ra.One part!!

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  40. Santa chale jan(a)path par ?

    Good post.

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  41. Lol... Missed reading it on the Christmas day, my bad. :D

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  42. Far from it Deepa! The hubs was down with flu.

    Suruchi...Now that's a reaction I was waiting for - Hohoho :p

    Krishna...So glad :)

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  43. ♪♪Happy Go Lucky♪♪...Ra-One the most reviewed, the most joked about movie :D

    Ranting Indian...What if his pocket gets picked?

    Harish ...Published it late evening :)

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  44. Not everyone has a talent to make others laugh and let me tell you, your fingers have this talent to spin a laughing yarn with your words.Thoroughly enjoyed this post!Keep writing Purba.

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  45. Haha...this was such a funny and cute story! thank you for sharing it.

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  46. Lol...sympathetic towards Santa.... a nicely written blog..:)

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  47. Arnab...Thanks for your encouraging words :)

    Indie.Tea...Glad you liked

    Shrijith Nair...Gracias

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  48. Catching up on your latest posts after a break, this one being hilarious-est! Never before did I picture Santa freezing, or complaining of his red suit haha..

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  49. All Santa needs is a lady Santa a.k.a Santana. Life will be uplifting and cheerful.

    (Lets see if Santa decides to turn after Dec 21,2012?;-) )

    Happy new year !
    Cheers
    GB

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  50. Pooja...Ha!

    Ambika...As long as Santa is not scandalized!

    Gyanban...Apocalypse plays in our minds :)

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  51. LOL... This is totally hilarious! ha ha ha... or should I say "ho ho ho"?!?! *wink*

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  52. YES SANTA IS REALLY BACK HOME
    VISIT CARTOONGOTI.BLOGSPOT.COM FOR FUNNY CARTOON CRITISISM TO MAKE INDIAN SOCIETY BEST LIVEABLE PLACE

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  53. funny..crazy..fun!!
    new year wishes!!

    http://sushmita-smile.blogspot.com

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  54. he he he :) made me laugh and smile and whats best i read it today 1st jan.. so hopefully the whole year will go like this laughing THANK YOU.

    and Santa .. hmm well Santa singh banta singh one and the same thing :) he he he he


    looking forward to seeing him on 25dec 2012 ... hopefully i will get my gifts this year :)

    Happy new year to you and family and everyone around you..

    Have a great year

    Bikram's

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  55. Dark Knight...Hoho is right :)

    Gautam...Sure

    Sushmita...To you as well.

    Bikram...As long as it's a toy, Santa will home deliver to you :)

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