I suggest you hold on to the chair and keep the door open when you read this post. When you fall off the chair, clutching your stomach and shake with laughter you might need help from your concerned family members. Cacofonix is back........
When we were kids, newspapers had 10 pages with very few ads, news on TV had 3 headlines with no ad breaks. We followed the News for things that were important. Interesting. Unusual. A definition that has since been eliminated through a sustained conspiracy hatched by the media to propagate mediocrity and generate employment for shoals of people who think, if the plural of medium is media, then the plural of tedium is tedia. Friends, bloggers, countrymen, with or without ears that could be loaned, let us bring News back to those good old times! Let us save newsprint, ink, electricity, water, diesel, trucks, traffic, fresh air, paper wallah’s sprained shoulders, stray dogs, subscription fees, ground reporting fatigue, coffee and cigarettes and become carbon footprint champions so that our children can continue to enjoy Nature’s bounties the same way that we have done! These would be “breaking news” under the new dispensation:
a) “Minister reads his own speech”: Minister of External Affairs SM Krishna read his own speech at the United Nations session on global disharmony. A visibly emotional Mr Krishna addressed the Press soon thereafter and thanked them for their continual support and criticism which made him adopt advanced techniques from yoga guru Ramdev and fitness guru Jane Fonda’s latest book, to revitalize him and get his many cells working again.
b) “Virender Sehwag scores runs”: Sehwag was smiling from eardrum to eardrum on scoring 13 runs in the second one-day cricket match against Botswana. The belligerent batsman, having scored zeroes in 13 matches on the trot, lending an altogether different meaning to the phrase “getting your ducks in a row”, suffering from impaired hearing after having a blast, literally, in front of Bose speakers at a loud nightclub, and having to hear his wife keep on shouting “you just don’t listen to me anymore”, could finally discern, faintly, the sound of the ball coming at him. On asked if he was dissatisfied with his dismissal, he retorted “I was on 13, what else do you expect?”
c) “Amitabh Bachchan to retire”: Unable to keep pretending not to know ‘kaun banega crorepati?’, where evidently it was really only him, Amitabh Bachchan has chosen to leave the world of glamour and modelling and some acting, and retire to the Hills. Pali Hills. Where he has built a humble house with two bedrooms, one for him and one for Jaya, with Binani Cement and Jai Ambe sariya. His bathroom has a separate closet for storing Laal Tail or ‘red oil’ which can be applied to his hair, or ingested or applied somewhere for vitality, depending on his mood or what he remembers of that ad campaign.