Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Secret Cow Facts

All that you wanted to know but didn't know who to ask.

istockphoto.com

India can save the world or so the scientists at Bee Jay Pee Research laboratories would have us believe.  They have stumbled upon a breakthrough that will fetch them a tsunami of accolades.  China will feel like a cretin, CERN will turn a beetroot red and Pakistan will sulk and go green.  Finally India will be every neighbour’s envy.  Speculations are rife that the research team is now a strong contender for the Nobel Prize.  Not just one, but all categories.  Like a true blockbuster it is strongly backed by fiction, has sizzling chemistry and can usher in world peace.   This hitherto unknown headquarter of the geniuses which is on a headline grabbing spree, is located in Tikamgarh, an unsung hamlet of a Middling State.  The scientist community is abuzz with excitement.  It’s not every day that a third class research centre manages to produce such first class results.  

Imagine coming up with a mother of magic potions that is an answer to all your miseries! And what’s commendable is that they did not even have to seek out Harry Potter’s help!   Liberal quantities of it can insulate you from nuclear radiations.  All you have to do is coat the walls of your house with this brown goo and voila you can say bye-bye to all your fears of apocalypse.  Its application can prevent C- section and ensure normal deliveries for women.  It is still not clear how and where it should be applied.  This magic potion found in abundance in India, can be picked straight off the roads and fresh samples can be procured from bovine behinds.  Yep...I am talking about the humble cow dung. 

Hold your Bullshit please, there’s more to come!

For all of you who find cow dung too icky, you can always turn to the cow next door for bovine comfort.


According to Bhartiya Gauvansh Sanrakshan Va Samvardhan (BGS&S) only cow can save mankind:  just touching a cow can stabilize blood pressure!  BJP Rajya Sabha MP Meghraj Jain has gone a step ahead and extolled humanity to leave themselves at the mercy of the cow. “To escape death just touch a cow”.  Shankar Lal, chief of Akhil Bhartiya Gauseva has asserted that children who drink only Hindu cow’s milk become more obedient.  Foreign breeds only give poisoned milk and can cause heart attacks and autism.  Glugging a glass of gai ka doodh everyday can turn you into model citizens.

Sri Sri Snow Varma even went on to suggest that Cow piss is rich in Vitamin Eww.  Results are still awaited. 

So impressed is China with our Cow-theory that they have decided to rename Macau to Maa-cow.

Hospitals have ditched their expensive equipment and sent their Doctors on a permanent vacation.  All they need is a herd of cows to waive off our medical ailments.  Touch wood is so passé now that touch cow is here.  Scientists at CERN are so heartbroken that they have ditched their quest for God particles and are now studying bovine movements.  A bunch of them were spotted in Haridwar, chasing an alarmed looking cow with a bowl in hand.  

But after the suggestion that drinking cow’s milk leads us to commit fewer crimes authorities at Tihar are a worried lot.  Will Tihar soon turn into a retreat for errant politicians?  Imagine a nation of hale and hearty citizens who commit no crimes and spend their spare time attending satsangs!

But Doodhwallahs nationwide will not let our country go to dogs. They have been taking appropriate measures to ensure we never get to drink pure milk.  Thanks to their enterprise we consume milk fortified with detergents, fat and even urea.  I am proud to say, we in India drink adult-rated milk!  

And thanks to the concerted efforts of Bee Jay Pee laboratories, India is shining again.  Nothing gives me more pleasure to know that I am part of a nation that loves its animals so passionately.  Only in India we value cows (and its excretions) more than humans and have stringent laws for their safety.  Even world famous in India Dhanush, owes his success to holy cow. It was his rendition oh my lovvu/ you showed me bouv-u/cow-u cow-u holi cow-u that made us loose our senses and exclaim once more…once more!

It pays to be cattle class in this country.   

And why just cattle! We love our haathis so much that we spend crores covering them with pink.  Only in Maya’s own country will you find an elephant in purdah.  

Now I am having serious doubts about my lowly human existence.  I work hard, think too much, stress, cry, become sick with worry and spend sleepless nights pondering upon the purpose of my existence.  Am I doing enough, am I wasting my time? Am I a good mother? Have I failed as a wife? Is my writing good enough? I am sick and tired of these thoughts. 

What’s worse, I have more duties than rights.  I watch helplessly as I see our polity give precedence to their self interest over the nation’s.  Yet I cannot express my disenchantment on social networks lest big Daddy Sibal sends me to jail.  

I seek a life where I just have to think about my next meal and not worry about a bank balance...Where I can plonk myself in the middle of the road and swat flies with my tail...Have a bunch of uneducated buffoons trying to convince the world of my importance...

In my next birth I want be a desi cow. God! Are you listening?

Source : http://www.indianexpress.com/news/bjps-cow-dung-gems-stops-csec-nradiation/897891/


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117 comments:

  1. The properties of 'Gou Mutra'was long back publicized by our late PM Morarji Desai, unfortunately there were few takers! Holy Cow is object of politics just like Elephant!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hate it when religion is used as a stick to beat others.

      Delete
  2. i have heard this bull before. some magazine. what ppl done seem to realize is why arnt we a AIDS and cancer free nation of its so effective?
    and oh yes #moooooo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is based on a news report published by Indian Express this week. Given the link below.

      Delete
  3. Ha ha ha ....
    As usual, howlarious it is, with a bit of anger, n why not, the kind on non-sense we as Indian citizens tolerate, does that also have something to do with the cow association ! ! !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Humour is the best way to cope up with anger.

      Delete
  4. Gaahahahahaha
    MACAU and MAA-COW
    And Vitamin EWW indeed :D
    You write awesomely well!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Holy Shit! Hehehe....The wicked witch of Gurgaon at her wicked best. :D
    Remember the Asterix comics and that Getafix used to add a secret ingredient to the potion? Plus there are other potions with a secret Ingredient marked "X"? And that the Martians were mysteriously defeated in The War of The Worlds? Yup...now we have the answers to all these questions. The answer from the biggest to the smallest question of life and the universe is with the Horny...sorry....Holy Animal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The secret of the magic potion that made Obelix and Asterix invincible now revealed :D

      Delete
    2. Ahh..you got threaded comments. This is much better. Now we can harass you even more in the comments section. :P

      Delete
  6. hmm, when there are people "quacking" around like this, real scientist can go and hang themselves!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right said Bhavana! And this cock and bull theory has the full support of the Madhya Pradesh Government.

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  7. I'll sleep a proud Indian tonight.
    :|

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No Aakash, we need to tell them to go to hell!

      Delete
  8. Purba, Why loose heart! Did you not read George Orwell's classic 'Animal Farm'where he lamented..ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL, BUT SOME ANIMALS ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS!So why compare with likes of holy cows, Maya etc :)A lovely satire!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unfortunately this is just propaganda engineered by a party that is desperate to come back to power!

      Delete
  9. Funny!! We have more people who believe in alternative science....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fundamentalism at it's glorious best.

      Delete
  10. Quick correction to your prayer is required. You should be born as Indian cow. You don,t get treated the same way in foreign countries. BTW, I am sure you don,t want to be born as a cow in Finland. ;)
    I fell down laughing at maa cow and vitamin eew.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep..I wouldn't want to end up someone's plate as Filet mignon :p

      Delete
  11. I strongly agree with Farida. But having no knowledge of your geographical choice constrains me from saying 'Amen'.

    ReplyDelete
  12. If Uma Bharti is the Next CM of UP then there is nothing more fortunate than being born as a cow in our next births. Even if the cow milk is adulterated with urea and chemicals....
    Which era are they living in? I mean the Bee Jayy PEEEEE

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And now they want to make Gita compulsory for students in Karnataka. Hate it when religion is used to browbeat other communities.

      Delete
    2. But Purba, no one says anything when religion is used in schools run by other communities. Why this aversion only to Hindu scriptures?

      Delete
    3. Why just Gita, why not other religious scriptures? And who will teach Gita to these school students? Does the Karnataka Government even have a plan?

      And a government more in news for it's lang grabbing ways, wants to tell us what to read? How about following what they preach!

      Delete

    4. Perhaps the Divine Hand has take action on your 'secret aversion' for our Hindu wisdom of worshipping the Gaumata!
      Bharat has become the largest exporter of beef in the world!Who knows very soon all of us may become more sickular than you with just your 'musings!'

      Delete
  13. I liked the way you use illustrations/pics in your posts. Learned a lot visiting your page. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  14. cow piss and bull shit,
    purba blogs and danush songs,
    if uma bharthi was a cow,
    i still wouldnt touch her,
    Even with tongs....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Uma Bharti!!Thankfully no one calls Ms Bharti the sexy sanyasin anymore :) Now she's just a headache.

      Delete
  15. ha ha ...lots of Vitamin Eww for the mind :-)
    I wonder how these people (err research)get takers...the biggest misfortune of our country.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We should treat them as a bunch of buffoons trying to drag the nation down.

      Delete
  16. I can't stop laughing. Vitamin Eww takes the cake, oops no no not the bovine type :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. These so called upholders of our religion should start taking Vitamin Ewww :D

      Delete
  17. Well said. Perhaps now being COW-ard may not be much of a shame :).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha! These Cowboys need a reality check.

      Delete
  18. hehehehehe.. rofl... c't stop laughing..!!! well written..!!!! thnx 4 d awesome start for the day..!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :)

      Do visit my blog as well m'am.. hope u wil like it..:)

      Delete
  19. now none will ever use the phase: why to cry over the spilled milk .. if used will be considered offensive...

    am so addicted to your blogs now :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn! where is the like button :D

      Delete
  20. May God give cow the strength to bear the weight of freaking frailty of human assumptions, amen!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Climbing a mountain is easier than locating your webisite!

      Delete
  21. he he he .. QUCIK hold on .. let me call my village .. make sure they feed the cows well .. you never know BEE JAY PEE might make it national thing to touch cows I can charge some money to touch them ,, and be RICH that way :)

    what an idea and that you for giving it to me ..

    as always lovely article and here it goes HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HO HO HO HO :)

    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why not issue a decree for our elected - making cow milk compulsory for them!

      And Bee Jay Pee should anoint themselves with cow dung to prove their supremacy.

      Delete
    2. yeah that should be LAW.. once bee jay peee comes to power

      Delete
  22. Knew about cock and bull story, never heard about cow-bull (not Kabul) story until this one. Choice of words is awesome and style is fantastic as usual. One small warning.. Prayers are sometimes approved by the supreme... So pl be careful :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You think God reads my blog?

      Delete
    2. Oh! yes, The topic is Godly na, he just can't miss it:)

      Delete
  23. Macau to Maa cow
    Touch wood to Touch Cow
    And the breakthrough health discovery Vitamin Eww ( results awaited :)

    You did it once more Purba!

    ReplyDelete
  24. utterly boring post!

    ReplyDelete
  25. OMG! who's this tasteless anonymous fellow who's commented above me?..must be Advani, incognito!...Holy COW!..maybe he'll report you to Bee Jay Pee Purba..Touch COW :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I believe he/she is a member of Akkhil Bhartiya Gausava and needs a healthy dose of Vitamin E(ww) :p

      What if we all start saying Touch Cow from now onwards. It will be such epic fun!

      Delete
  26. India is the next name of Jugaad. You know na?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Waiting for Kanti Shah to make a movie on this subject.

      Delete
  27. that's pretty much your style... :) ironically true... and adding to mayhem are the cows moving randomly on the roads... we should accumulate all cows in a town and make a cow road:P

    Weakest LINK

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If we can have BRT, why not a separate lane for cows? And it should have a grassy patch for them to snack on.

      Delete
  28. even i want to be a cow, always wanted to sit in the middle of the road.

    loved ur post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Guffaws...let's file a petition!

      Delete
  29. using religion for political gains is the most reprehensible thing but one which is being used by every party in the country today. I do feel that the minister has gone overboard in his promotion of bovine benefits, but at least the bactericidal properties of cowdung can be actually seen in villages where it is used on walls and floors to keep away harmful insects.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But do you think it is a practical solution for cities? And most cows in cities feed on garbage dumps. (Not that they have a choice) I wonder whether the dung still has any antiseptic properties.

      Delete
  30. Purba,

    Hope you have taken due precautions against DHARNAA in front of your house by cows led by followers of that research organization. One point is a fact as proved by experiments that dung plaster does reduce nuclear radiation to an extent. This I learnt in a seminar more than 30 years ago when this organization was in infancy.

    Take care

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But to plaster your walls you need fresh cow dung. Do you think city life permits us to resort to such measures?

      Delete
    2. Purba,

      What was told is that intensity of nuclear radiation was found to decline in deep jungles or in mud huts with dung plastering.

      Take care

      Delete
  31. very a-MOO-sing train of thought.. awesome read!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am sooo tempted to change my blog's name to A-Moo-sing :D

      Delete
  32. That wass so hilarious. Please start some writing classes or something! I can but think of the idyllic existence of those bovine creatures which I probably enjoy once a year on a vacation!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I quit teaching because I wanted to be a student again. And you my dear girl, don't need classes.

      And you enjoy bovine presence because you get to see it once a year :)

      Delete
  33. Yeah well politicians have their crazy ideas. I know of people who diligently consume gau mutra or use it for purification of their houses. It is yucky to me but then to each his/her own. Religious beliefs often are such, and Hinduism is closely connected with the holy cow especially for the orthodox!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel religion is a very personal matter and should not be used as a propaganda that scam tainted ministers exploit to further their interests.

      Delete
  34. Eh... Morning news. Made my day. Will buy one today, and sell it off after everyone's crazy and there are no more cows. Will make a fortune. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So you are going to indulge in Cowgiri?

      Delete
  35. Congrats on 200th Post .... keep rocking... :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh...you noticed? Thank you so much.

      Delete
  36. Great post, firstly I thought you were just joking, then I read the Indian Express article and I was in splits. Is there a limit to acting stupid? No, there is not and the Indian Express article proves it. I liked your Dhanush part too!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't it tragic that religion is being used to divide and rule ? This is just another gimmick to appeal to the vote bank.

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    2. The mere pleasure of reading-the sort that a cow must have in grazing-Lord Chesterfield said that for I dunno COW-N,I say it for your wry sense of humour..Makes me come back asking for more:D

      Delete
    3. But have you noticed how a cow always looks at peace. When it ruminates and gently swats flies with it's tail. Ohhh to live like that :D

      LOL at COW-N..And thank you so much :)

      Delete
  37. hahaa....wonderfully written.....:))

    i wish some of them go through this write up and take few notes out of these serious points of yours, written in not so serious manner....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Feel humbled, thank you so much for the appreciation.

      Delete
  38. holy cow.....that was a mooooo-aah post....hillarious :)

    ReplyDelete
  39. What? After having dug up dung(shit)loads of what our dear Bee Jay Pee have been feeding the Hindu cows in diet, you feel insecure about your capabilities?
    Madam, go and drink down your doubts with a glass of Cow Milk and rejuvenate your life.

    Jeeyo Jee bhar ke!


    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A tumbler of cow milk is all I need to be a Arundhati Roy...err! or maybe not!

      Delete
  40. Humorous...Lovely post, lest the cows read your post, Purbhaji...they may apply for patent rights for their poops:P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a wonderful idea you gave to the cow populace! Yep they should patent their dung RIGHT NOW!

      Delete
  41. Gotta say, this made me so totally rofl.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wonder how the cows are reacting to this piece of news?

      Delete
  42. A few days back I read a Malayalam novel, Delhi Gathakal, in which the narrator muses that the cows in Delhi have a better life than many human beings. You're right, it may be better to be born a cow in India than a human being.

    Great write.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great to know that someone has already written about my secret desire.

      Delete
  43. Lovely blog!! I read the original article as well. This blog allowed me to laugh at the banal stupidity which otherwise would have caused my BP to shoot up like nobody's business.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And the saddest part it is a propaganda floated by the ruling party. Don't they have better things to do?

      Delete
  44. thoughtful
    like the observation

    ReplyDelete
  45. You are a-mazingly a-musing. What a gas! I needed that. Which reminds me, you didn’t mention the methane bombs they set off, doing their bit for global warming. Not that I have anything against cows. I went to the link you provided and read the crap. With 50 districts in MP and each setting aside “one to two crores to feed cattle seized during raids” the mind boggles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And we have MP"s opposing the Food Bill in the Parliament. Ironic isn't it?

      Delete
  46. A complete laugh riot from the beginning. Cow urine is already being used as after-shave face wash (antiseptic, I think). And you don't believe, I have seen people in Bangalore drinking fresh cow urine direct from the bovine's behind. The way the people run to catch the stream of urine before it touches the ground is a sight to see.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are are kidding right? Please, please tell me you are making this up! This can't be true! Nahiiiin.....

      Delete
    2. It is True. You can check with your other friends in Bangalore.

      Delete
    3. Dear God! I just lost my appetite.

      Delete
  47. Happens only in India....PM drinking his own urine and acknowledging it

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep..we remember Mr Desai for all the wrong reasons.

      Delete
  48. i love the way you present your sarcasm........ awesome!!!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Cow urine is used to cure your weak eyesight. Wash your eyes with it and your eyesight improves (You wont require specks if you have or your number will be reduced). Its true.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Woah this weblog is excellent i really like reading your posts. Stay up the great work! You realize, many individuals are searching round for this info, you could help them greatly.
    love sms

    ReplyDelete
  51. Glad to stumble upon your blog, Purba.
    I have been reading a few of your old posts.
    Thoroughly enjoyed this.
    Would like to catch up on your old postings graduallly.
    Best wishes
    GV

    ReplyDelete
  52. Hey! Quite entertaining! Reminds me of some stuff I had written on cows sometime back :
    http://half-fried.blogspot.in/2010/10/bovine-learnings.html

    really enjoy your blog! keep them coming!

    Saad

    ReplyDelete

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