All that you wanted to know but didn't know who to ask.
India can save the world or so the scientists at Bee Jay Pee Research laboratories would have us believe. They have stumbled upon a breakthrough that will fetch them a tsunami of accolades. China will feel like a cretin, CERN will turn a beetroot red and Pakistan will sulk and go green. Finally India will be every neighbour’s envy. Speculations are rife that the research team is now a strong contender for the Nobel Prize. Not just one, but all categories. Like a true blockbuster it is strongly backed by fiction, has sizzling chemistry and can usher in world peace. This hitherto unknown headquarter of the geniuses which is on a headline grabbing spree, is located in Tikamgarh, an unsung hamlet of a Middling State. The scientist community is abuzz with excitement. It’s not every day that a third class research centre manages to produce such first class results.
Imagine coming up with a mother of magic potions that is an answer to all your miseries! And what’s commendable is that they did not even have to seek out Harry Potter’s help! Liberal quantities of it can insulate you from nuclear radiations. All you have to do is coat the walls of your house with this brown goo and voila you can say bye-bye to all your fears of apocalypse. Its application can prevent C- section and ensure normal deliveries for women. It is still not clear how and where it should be applied. This magic potion found in abundance in India, can be picked straight off the roads and fresh samples can be procured from bovine behinds. Yep...I am talking about the humble cow dung.
Hold your Bullshit please, there’s more to come!
For all of you who find cow dung too icky, you can always turn to the cow next door for bovine comfort.
According to Bhartiya Gauvansh Sanrakshan Va Samvardhan (BGS&S) only cow can save mankind: just touching a cow can stabilize blood pressure! BJP Rajya Sabha MP Meghraj Jain has gone a step ahead and extolled humanity to leave themselves at the mercy of the cow. “To escape death just touch a cow”. Shankar Lal, chief of Akhil Bhartiya Gauseva has asserted that children who drink only Hindu cow’s milk become more obedient. Foreign breeds only give poisoned milk and can cause heart attacks and autism. Glugging a glass of gai ka doodh everyday can turn you into model citizens.
Sri Sri Snow Varma even went on to suggest that Cow piss is rich in Vitamin Eww. Results are still awaited.
So impressed is China with our Cow-theory that they have decided to rename Macau to Maa-cow.
Hospitals have ditched their expensive equipment and sent their Doctors on a permanent vacation. All they need is a herd of cows to waive off our medical ailments. Touch wood is so passé now that touch cow is here. Scientists at CERN are so heartbroken that they have ditched their quest for God particles and are now studying bovine movements. A bunch of them were spotted in Haridwar, chasing an alarmed looking cow with a bowl in hand.
But after the suggestion that drinking cow’s milk leads us to commit fewer crimes authorities at Tihar are a worried lot. Will Tihar soon turn into a retreat for errant politicians? Imagine a nation of hale and hearty citizens who commit no crimes and spend their spare time attending satsangs!
But Doodhwallahs nationwide will not let our country go to dogs. They have been taking appropriate measures to ensure we never get to drink pure milk. Thanks to their enterprise we consume milk fortified with detergents, fat and even urea. I am proud to say, we in India drink adult-rated milk!
And thanks to the concerted efforts of Bee Jay Pee laboratories, India is shining again. Nothing gives me more pleasure to know that I am part of a nation that loves its animals so passionately. Only in India we value cows (and its excretions) more than humans and have stringent laws for their safety. Even world famous in India Dhanush, owes his success to holy cow. It was his rendition oh my lovvu/ you showed me bouv-u/cow-u cow-u holi cow-u that made us loose our senses and exclaim once more…once more!
It pays to be cattle class in this country.
And why just cattle! We love our haathis so much that we spend crores covering them with pink. Only in Maya’s own country will you find an elephant in purdah.
Now I am having serious doubts about my lowly human existence. I work hard, think too much, stress, cry, become sick with worry and spend sleepless nights pondering upon the purpose of my existence. Am I doing enough, am I wasting my time? Am I a good mother? Have I failed as a wife? Is my writing good enough? I am sick and tired of these thoughts.
What’s worse, I have more duties than rights. I watch helplessly as I see our polity give precedence to their self interest over the nation’s. Yet I cannot express my disenchantment on social networks lest big Daddy Sibal sends me to jail.
I seek a life where I just have to think about my next meal and not worry about a bank balance...Where I can plonk myself in the middle of the road and swat flies with my tail...Have a bunch of uneducated buffoons trying to convince the world of my importance...
In my next birth I want be a desi cow. God! Are you listening?