Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Butt Unnaturally!


Ever since man stood straight, built a fire and made the wheel, women have been asking him a question; even after centuries of interrogation, he has yet to come up with a satisfactory answer. She cajoles, she pleads. He clears his throat and makes polite noises. She insists but he dare not tell her the truth.

How many times has your girl asked you if her bum looks big in that dress? And how many times have you lied glibly and said – “Fat? Are you kidding me?" and fell down laughing. Even if her butt looks big enough to cause a lunar eclipse!

But men can’t help lying, can they? They know from bitter experience that the truth will cost them their head!

With evolution men folk have learnt that she doesn’t mean what she says. Of course she knows the truth! She has a mirror, a measuring tape and a pair of jeans that doesn’t fit her anymore. What she really wants to know is – Darling, do you love me, despite my big bum! Do you still think she’s the goddess, she once was?

It’s never about the butt!

Women have it bad. We love to eat but would rather starve. We’ll huff and puff on treadmill, fold ourselves in half in the yoga class, yet the weighing scale needle will refuse to budge. Imagine the torture of seeing your man gorge on scoops of ice-creams while you chew on multigrain khakras! But you are human aren’t you? How long can you deprive yourself! You fantasize about it, day and night. You agonize over your dilemma – should I – should I not? And there comes a day, when you cannot take it anymore and succumb. As you sink your teeth in that delicious chunk of gooey chocolate cake, you sigh. Gosh! This feels so good. But your mind is screaming – Stop! Run! There’s still time! But you can’t and before you realize it, you have gobbled up three slices. You lick your lips and let out a small burp.

Now you can’t get rid of the guilt. Damn you woman! Whatever happened to your will power! I have sinned and now I’ll have to pay.And guess what, you end up paying a “heavy” price! That butter, the wheat flour, the whipped cream, all that sugar and chocolate, felt so at home in your body that they are now clinging to your bum.


Courtesy - Nike

Butt wait! It’s not always the posterior. It depends on whether you are an orange, an apple or pear. Fat spreads itself evenly in an orange, just like a well buttered toast. If you are an apple, it makes you a 38D and you have to bear with men having intense conversation with your boobs. And the pear is just about to bid adieu to the fatty deposits, till those pesky things discover her bum.

Imagine being compared to a fruit! And to add insult to injury is that skinny friend of yours, who eats like a horse and looks like a French bean. You are tempted to do an Amitabh Bachchan in Deewar, go to a mandir, cling to the ghanti and demand insaaf.

Science tells me my body stores fat for the sake of my child bearing hips. Excuse me! My child is an adult now who can’t stop complaining bitterly about her own imagined ‘weight gain’! So please, can I have my old butt back?

And you though it’s every girl’s dream to find the perfect guy. Bullshit! Her dream is to eat everything without getting fat. And don’t you try pacifying her with – I just love your childbearing hips.

P.S She hates her big bum.






P.P.S she’s insanely jealous of your skinny ass!
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112 comments:

  1. Ever since I landed on this blog, I have got nothing less than palatable spice.

    *Liked the comparison to Amitabh in Deewar*

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    Replies
    1. Palatable? I was expecting yummy! This is blasphemy :p

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  2. hee hee hee more like 'spell the truth and face the wrath'

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    1. You gotta be smart to survive.

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  3. hehe Really a fun read! If only the big-butted women would turn around and look in the mirror to see how ill-fitted their derriere looks. I did tell a good friend of mine that her short top is making her huge butt the cynosure of all eyes :).

    On a serious note, whatever be our form, at least let us dress in a way that flatters our body and emphasizes our assets. And, let us not freak out. Some women are getting desperate with crazy diets.

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    1. Couldn't agree more Rachna. Having a big bum is not a crime. But wearing unflattering fits is. Rolls of fat popping out from all angles attracts attention for all the wrong reasons.

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  4. Aah, we humans have it hard. I am one of those skinny hoggers. I wonder what the future will be like, when the bum problem might actually come into play. I believe silence is the best solution. :D

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    Replies
    1. Don't worry, your future wife will nag you to death!

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  5. Nice one.You know what these days I cannot eat without counting the calories.But then it does not mean I don't eat.I eat and count.
    Oh,I never worry about my bum,that's the only part of my body which seems to resist all calorie invasion :D

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    1. Sighs! She's an apple or is she an hourglass! *drools*

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    2. Total apple..Or a spinning top ;-)

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  6. Looks like women think of their butts more than we do of theirs! :D :D
    The pig feeling got subsided! :D

    In all seriousness, a good post. Liked the Deewar scene!

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    Replies
    1. They do! Some of us obsess about it.

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  7. hehe..good read...I always have had J.Lo butts and loved them...and after marriage, weight is never a problem as the husband has much bigger weight issues and gains weight like anything...and I always look thin compared to him!!....

    http://sushmita-smile.blogspot.in/

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    Replies
    1. Have you seen JLO lately - gone is her asstounding figure! She is now a super-slim diva.

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    2. yupps, she is getting younger with age..and looks completely perfect with half her age beau!!

      she has been doing triathlon after her babies, guess that's the clue for us to...start on the same!!!

      http://sushmita-smile.blogspot.in/

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  8. Replies
    1. When Shail comments, I know I have written a funny post :)

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  9. LOL!!! Thats so funny...Happy to be a Southern belle, our male specimens love and crave for BIG butts;) And that comparison to fruits...again..ROFL!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. South Indian belles have always been full figured :)

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  10. Purba as Cloud nine has said our male specimen crave for big butts and European men as well. I think they are tired of chop sticks :-p

    Despite of my unfit body and that I am already married, I have got 2 proposals already here in Europe. :-p
    One Portuguese guy had written "married unfortunately" :-p

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    Replies
    1. Bootylicious babe! *hoot hoot*

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  11. See, see, I did not blush I repeat I did not blush. :D

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  12. Hahahaha, Women... Can't they just pop out the exact question to which they want an answer? :P

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  13. This is a sensitive topic for me....forget apple or pears i resemble a jackfruit these days....blame it on ma's homemade ghujiyas.

    Couldn't stop smiling:)

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha! Maa ka pyar is injurious to your waist.

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  14. Perhaps he might tell her it isn't really as big as she thinks it is. AWEsome post.

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  15. Sweating on a treadmill and gorging 'death by chocolate'is a sure recipe for a big butt and resultant apples and oranges:) On a serious note agree with Rachna, to carry off the results with poise is the answer:)

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  16. heheWhy? why ? women always talk/think about their Ass-Tit-Va?
    Ass-charya hai ! Eh?

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  17. LOL.. How hilarious yet every word u hv written in so true.. :) I just loved it..

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  18. LOL! I've said it before and time and again,you end up making me repeat it.Your posts make me laugh out reaaallll loud!!! :)

    And an apt pic for this post! Nike just rocks.LOL \m/

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  19. Howlarious... :D

    Those last lines - 'And you though it’s every girl’s dream to find the perfect guy. Bullshit! Her dream is to eat everything without getting fat.'...You said it!!

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  20. Awesome :D and so true!... sometimes are feel we really are funny and incomprehensible at times! :D. but then why just we who indulge in the rigours of feminizing our body etc!?

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    Replies
    1. Personally I feel men don't care. But you know women! we tend to over-think.

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  21. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  22. Awesome... THats why when it comes to me dieting or keeping in check my beautiful FIgure :) ahmm ahmm .. all i do is look at some BUTTS and HOLA .. I get over the guilty pang that I might get fat .. WELL I already AM.. :)

    made me laugh :) Thank you

    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's all in the head Bikram, if you are happy, should you care?

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    2. No i dont , thats why i said I am already so i hardly care

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  23. ROFL.. i agree with Prateek mathur. we used to think we are the keen observers. but... you opened our eyes. now we can chin up daringly(btw run if any take slippers out) instead of cornering our eyes. And how truly said about comparing with the fruits.. OMG!

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    1. On a serious note, telling the truth helps. She should know you love her despite her big butt :D

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  24. Purba,

    Trust you to come up with something which surely disturbs a lot of women in a way making readers smile. I think may be girls like Kurdistan or Middleton ( hope I got names right ) not agree with you as they live on stories about their butts as per newspaper reports.

    Take care

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you meant Kim Kardashian and Pippa Middleton :)

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  25. Lol! Can't really stop laughing but really sympathise with your target audience. I am on the greener side of the pasture,as i can eat anything I wish, anytime I wish, without putting on. Actually, I won't mind putting a few kilos ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So YOU are that lucky french bean - the enviable Ectomorph.

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  26. I AM A PEAR!!!!! I havebeen slogging my ASS out in the gym and all I loose is my upper body and never my ass! WHY GOD WHY!!
    Frenchbean??Hahahahaahahahahah
    "Imagine being compared to a fruit! And to add insult to injury is that skinny friend of yours, who eats like a horse and looks like a French bean. You are tempted to do an Amitabh Bachchan in Deewar, got to a mandir, cling to the ghanti and demand insaaf."

    GAHAHAHAHAHHAHA EPIC!

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  27. Butt, Purba, the fruit allusion is for both sexes. I have read in naturopathy books on obesity and it is a definite health risk to have a fruit shaped body but all right if you eat them! But if you ask about beauty, it is all in the eyes of the beholder. Remember all those heroines of the south of yesteryears? Loved the part about telling nature that your baby is all grown up and so leave you alone :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yusss...men are apple shaped while women are spoilt for choice :-)

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  28. I am totally with you on this. I have had SO many problems with my Butt.

    Mom consoles -> Its in our genes.
    Husband consoles -> I never seem to notice it.
    Friend consoles -> Atleast yours is not as big as mine!

    Doesnot make a difference. I am totally jealous of the skinny girls and I hate it when I have to curb my cravings for chocolates, pastries, gulabs jamuns and the butter chicken :-((

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally get that. All that consolation and you still don't feel good about it.

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  29. Facts put together so hilariously! Witty and funny yet so realistic!

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  30. What an asspirational post! Wah wah!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Now what is THAT supposed to mean?

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    2. I don't know actually. Thought I had to shove in an ass prin. Oh sorry, I meant ass pun. :D

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  31. I'm sure every guy who knows Nigella Lawson, the queen of food porn, finds her appealing. I'm one who cant resist watching her on TV. Considering her size, it's not the butt or the hip or bust size that men look at. It's how they carry it on them. It's the confidence in her body that matters. Nice post.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. She's a gorgeous woman who loves indulging herself and her viewers.

      Btw Nigella has dropped a couple of sizes. She's no longer the "curvy" woman she was.

      Delete
  32. The eternal imponderable thrown at men by their friends, girlfriends and wives since ages unknown.Okay, here is a declaration,all you ladies out there concerned with your butt size, let me tell you, we men,love those big bums, unless off course they hung out like a jute sack full of rice, put on the carrier rod of a bicycle.And, when I say "WE", I mean all men I know and have met from Kashmir to Kanyakumari and Bays of Bengal to Gulfs of Gujarat :):)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. We the women heard that and thank you from the bottom of our heart <3

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  33. hahaha...loved this post ma'm...

    my belief is, it doesn't matter what the butt size is as every human being is god's own beautiful creation...

    and seriously, is women more obsessed about their body parts than men ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am sure not all women obsess about the way they look and thank God for that!

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  34. Absolutely right. I think I am more worried about my butt than about whether the boyfriend loves me. Often I wonder, WHY, WHY does all the weight have to go settle on my ass first! :|

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    1. Not you?? You are super slim!

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  35. "But men can’t help lying, can they? They know from bitter experience that the truth will cost them their head!"

    It costs us more than our heads!!!...I wonder which smart ass came up with the quote "Honesty is the best policy!"....he probably wasn't married :P

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    1. So you concede that all married men lie through their teeth!

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  36. Purba - I have trained myself to be the butt of all jokes !! else its a tough world to live in !!

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    Replies
    1. A good sense of humour always helps :-)

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    2. Oops forgot to say I loved it !! was thinking about this last night as I was about to sleep ... Wanted to read it again ...

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  37. umm, reading comments about wearing the right stuff reminds me of something i once said to someone sometime ago..
    a sexy dress is one which fits you so, that it tempts me to wonder how you'd look without it. :)

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  38. Phewww!!!!
    I love butt of all types as far as it is in proportion with the women's body type :)

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    Replies
    1. The women will be glad to hear this.

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  39. Hey Purba, u made my Sunday!

    can't believe at one time I had a weight-gain regimen...now its all about getting into right proportion. That said, are apple, orange and pear the only body types? I don't seem to follow...the fat globules have found a home around my kamar and also given me a second chin :)also my tees and jeans don't fit comfortably anymore :(

    loved the conversation between u and Kartikay...very punny indeed!

    Sunday mornings are dedicated to your blogposts from now on...i can't think of a better way to start my holiday:)
    thanks for blogging...have a rocking Sunday!!

    Cheers :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The tragic part is even "the supposedly slim ones" aren't happy with their body. If only I could lose 2 more kilos-I"ll be perfect.

      Too bad, we let weight dictate our happiness :-)

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  40. Hi Purba,

    I love your blog dear and I know being such a famous blogger, this is pretty trivial but am glad to pass the Versatile Blogger award on to you! See here: http://wp.me/p1kP6q-tqhttp://www.aditi-mitra.com/2012/03/versatile-blogger-award.html

    I hope you enjoy it and find other great bloggers to reward with it too.

    Cheers,
    A.M

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your appreciation for my work is from trivial - thank you so much :-)

      Delete
  41. hehe....amazingly funny post.
    i think women overemphasize men's (and especially their own hubby's) view of the size of their butt. They should be more afraid of the scrutiny of their own ilk. Men are much less lethal...

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    Replies
    1. Agree...we are our worst enemies!

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  42. That was hilarious! I sure am glad to stumble upon your blog :-)

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  43. Amitabh Bachchan hanging on the temple bell is really funny... Imagine if he was there for a smaller butt :D

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    1. Sly prayer, making us believe he was seeking divine justice?

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  44. hahaha .....Great write there !
    witty one , indeed.
    And , yes , entirely with you on the PS & PPS .
    Enjoyed it thoroughly .
    Kudos gal ! :-)

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    1. Hehe! delighted that you liked.

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  45. haha...I think I would go and do that Amitabh Bachchan Deewar thing too...maybe it would work!

    And yes, please do something about changing people's perceptions about the butt coz I can't seem to be able to do something about mine-I am not just A fruit now, I would pretty soon be the fruit basket!

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  46. -Good piece of information.

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  47. I am definitely blessed, thanks to amazing genetics!
    I am that skinny friend of yours who eats like a horse and resembles a french bean. :D
    3:D

    And as long as this boon shall stay, I am going to enjoy it. Later on, my life-partner can bear the brunt. :P

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  48. hahahaha @ the deewar scene :D

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  49. very good site having more collection. i like it i m very intersted in New ReleasesMovies

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  50. but naturally...i am a fan of your writing now.. :)

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  51. i observe that this is a very good blog for digital marketing. Digital Marketing is the new concept of marketing.

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  52. You are tempted to do an Amitabh Bachchan in Deewar, go to a mandir, cling to the ghanti and demand insaaf.
    This is A-Mazing..:D
    I am a very new blogger with some very talented blogger friends who told me about this blog of yours..and i have been hooked on since last night!Well i was lazy to comment last night..:P
    Absolutely love your work, especially the modern take on Sita.
    Thank you for spicing up my day.
    regards
    Jushmita

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  53. Lunar eclipse Lol . Another metaphor could be helipad. ;)

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  54. I am definitely blessed, thanks to my fast metabolism. I eat like a king and still look like a princess. As long as I have this fast metabolism, I won't have the agony of starving myself to death for just having a sexy body. I'm going to enjoy this to the fullest till my jeans and tees starting to fit uncomfortably.
    Free ArticlesFree Classified SiteFree Business Listing

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lucky you. I wish you good luck to carry this style for as long as you wish :)

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  55. Ahh! What fun! Of course you don't need any reassurance but, for me, you're awesome at what you do. Keep writing!

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  56. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  57. I am so much able to relate to this post. Besides the bum part, in my case tummy adds to my woes.....as for some they say, pani bhi ghee ka kam karta hai kuch logon ke liye! But nevertheless, being a food lover and a mother who is constantly on toes coz my son makes sure I dont sit anywhere at any time of the day, I now care two hoots about weight gain.....as such, curvaceous women are any day more sensual than flat tummied and bum-less lot! '

    Loved every word of this post!

    Keep writing, cheers & God bless...!!

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  58. hahaha ROFL oh gawd... this is hilarious :D

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