Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Delhi meets its Water-loo

Courtesy -peakwater.org

Recent findings have revealed that Delhi’s drinking water has something that the rest of the country doesn’t have. As if it’s not enough that the capital is envied for a world class Metro, flyovers that zigzag all over the city, wide roads with a separate set of corridors for buses, sprawling maidans where millionaire yoga instructors practice cross-dressing, bustling markets that terrorists bomb to settle scores with the government, a Rashtrapati Bhawan with a non resident President, a towering Qutub Minar where lovelorn couples engrave their undying love on its ancient, crumbling walls.

Yet it’s Delhites who are turning green and the secret lies in the water they are drinking. Actually it’s also the secret behind Mrs Khurana’s suddenly yummy tadka daal with its pungent odours. So pungent that Ramkali, the neighbourhood bitch died after having it. The secret behind Laloo Srivastava’s toxic fumes that managed to send all the mosquitoes to their next birth cycle. Srivastava Aunty can’t stop bragging about her laadla’s gassy feat. But it’s Malini from Maharani Bagh who is the happiest. She managed to shed 6 kilos in just fifteen days thanks to her diarrheal state. The lucky girl had started her eight glasses a day regimen and has now shrunk to an enviable size four. She can now fit in her 13 year old niece’s skinnies! Yipeeeee.

Delhi’s aqua pura indeed has something the rest of the country doesn’t have - liberally laced with sewage, Delhites can finally claim they are full of shit!

Men and women above 25, lucky enough to have a liver that works have turned this around as a golden opportunity and vowed to drink only “child” beer from Haryana’s highways. But Pinky Pawar and her bunch of gym buddies who flew all the way from Amritsar have been guzzling water like it’s nobody’s business. Two weeks of drinking aqua-toxic from one end and discharging from the other, Sweety was reunited with her long lost waist. Unfortunately Harvinder didn’t take a shine to this all new aqua-discharge diet and is now on a glucose drip.

Delhizens dying to fall ill now have a bevy of sickly choices. Should they opt for water borne diseases or should they conserve and die of dehydration instead?

Meanwhile Delhi Jal Board has been hailing inclusion of sewage as yet another humble attempt towards recycling waste. If we can’t control our waste, we should consume it. Few officials on conditions of anonymity and under the influence of free alcohol were quoted as saying that for water to be contaminated, the city has to get water in the first place! And supporting their theory was our honourable CM, Ms Sheila Dikshit who proudly proclaimed that she uses just half a bucket of water to bathe. It appears Sheila jee washes just one body part a day. Ever since her cabinet heard this good news, they have stopped breathing in Ms Dik-shit’s presence.

So, Delhi has yet another first to its name - a Dirty Chief Minister.

Ironically in this teeming megapolis of 14 million, it’s easier to die than stay alive.Road accidents, road rage, rape, mayhem, mosquitoes, hospital bills, depression, suppression, inflation – Delhites are spolit for choice.And now they have two brand new options – go Ms Dikshit’s way and get killed for raising a stink or drink stinking water and die a shitty death.

This is India shining. Dying of natural causes is a luxury here.

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92 comments:

  1. As if Delhi had less problems before,poor state of affairs.

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    Replies
    1. One step forward, two steps back.

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  2. This is pure awesome. Satire at it's best. This is the reason why I follow your blog religiously. We really are spoilt for choices and India Shining really is an oxymoron.
    But to be frank I really don't feel any different about the water woes. Bathing is overrated in my opinion.
    P.S. Give Delhi some water will you, you bloody Haryanvis.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bloody Haryanvis neither have electricity nor water. Go beg somewhere else!

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  3. Purba Ray, very soon political parties are going to clamber over you to join their group.....just so that you don't blog it all out!

    Delhites Rule! Not that being a Mumbaite is any any less flattering, if you have the Qutub Minar, we have the Taj which was held to ransom and Kasab is still 'Atithi Devo Bhava'. Our Mantralaya can give your Rashtrapati Bhavan a run for it's money. You have the metro, our metro has been work in progress for years....note the word 'progress' hah! You have dirty chief minister, our ministers are busy painting the 'dirty picture' that refrains Mumbai from being the next Shanghai. Delhites are full of shit......damn you got me there....coz a majority of the Mumbaiites line the railway tracks to download theirs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am not sure whether you've read this piece by Pritish Nandy. It's a must read - http://blogs.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/extraordinaryissue/entry/why-i-love-mumbai

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    2. This one by Pritish makes an excellent read indeed!

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  4. sprawling maidans where millionaire yoga instructors practice cross-dressing - where do you come up with these things Purba !
    Seriously on top of everything else that's all we needed - foul water !

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    Replies
    1. The more I read about it, the more depressed I feel. Time is ripe to run off to Goa.

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  5. great read. now we know why our politicians are so full of it. loved the environment friendly angle to it. the problem is that our politicians have not spent crores on their election campaigns to take on things like this, have they? my guess is that we are headed to a point where citizen initiative will replace political governance. till then, piyo, or should it be khao?

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    Replies
    1. I am wondering if we have reached a breaking point. The government is more keen on suppression rather than governance.

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  6. wow! Delhi Chalo! You are luckier than us- your Dik-shit stinks, our Amma sucks. We have a new catastrophe on hands, including all those said above- dengue! And our CM has taken wonderful steps- she has served an ultimatum to all mosquitoes breeding on our waters- GET LOST, OR I SHALL SWAT YOU! Imagine Amma swatting mosquito! 1.5 tonnes! OMG! Mosquitoes- MIND IT, RASCALA!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHAHAHA! Amma has a cape no? She should try flying and kill those rascalas :D

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  7. What a way to blurt it all out! Purba, I was just wondering what would you write about, if India becomes a perfect duniya, without any of the issues we face today! :P And, that would be not so nice to all of the readers like me who enjoy posts like this one!

    Still, I wish, 'India shining' becomes a reality some day. For now, It seems 'India shitting' is a more realistic one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even I was wondering what I'd write about :p Had almost given up on this article.

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  8. A toddler licks a brinjal and lands in the hospital, tap waters deliver shit, 90 percent milk is adulterated......Ms Dikshits bucket bath doesnt help us in any way.

    Such a sad state of affairs....satire at its best.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pesticides, carbon monoxide, carbide...we are all toxic bombs waiting to explode.

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  9. Uggghh... you should see the color of the water that we get in our garden taps... murky brown... disgusting

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    Replies
    1. So your sewage is adulterated?

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  10. I came to your blog thinking I was going to laugh my head out but instead...this is satire in its best form, Purba. You have managed to convey a brutal truth through humour, encased anger in the choicest of words that escape easy back-n-forth argumentation.
    This satire gets to the heart, without belch or gas. Absolutely brilliant, Purba. Hope Delhi CM gets to read it! Hope some of the newsmakers get to read it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wanted to write funny but ended up spewing venom :(
      And thanks a lot for your generous words.

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  11. What satire...loved the post :)

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  12. :) Indian shining indeed it is ..
    you must be mistaken , how can you say this .. NO NO NO
    there is no problem in india , its probably the pakistani's who are giving all the media hype or maybe te british left something wrong behind

    it cant be india .. please go and check your sources .. if not then check out a few comments on my blog from die hard indians who will tell you there is nothing wrong and india is shining all the way from all the sides - front-left-right- and BACK too


    I hope you know wht i mean :) and ooops How dare me a NRI say something like maybe I dont love india ..

    Bikram's

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    Replies
    1. I wish I could be as optimistic as your readers. I'd really like to know their diet.

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  13. Dear dear, lets hope our country will be the first in the world to home and hone a set (billion plus and growing) mutated human beings. Evolution explains that the natural selection sometimes also involve the mutations as well.

    My only hope is this mutation will lead us in becoming super human beings instead of "shitty" heads :-p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But we are superhumans. We are fed bullshit, yet we manage to make a song and dance out of it!

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  14. Great post, very direct and searing. Wish something could be done about all this polluted water. Here we are suffering from a massive scarcity, and the water that comes is overloaded with chemicals :(.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The NCR is facing a massive shortage as well, with many localities surviving on water tankers.

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  15. Hahahaha, the way you wrote this, is bloody brilliant!
    I totally completely agree with what Blogwati said, especially the shitting on railway tracks part, sigh. :/
    This is truly sad, I didn't know the condition was this bad.

    @Tales of her and by her.
    &
    @Teenage Babblings

    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are an optimistic nation and prefer turning a blind eye to our problems. If we can't see it, it doesn't exist.

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  16. I can sense the anger beneath the sarcasm. May be sarcasm is another form of anger but this post was particularly angry. Conditions have always been bad. Looks, like its just getting worse. :(

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    Replies
    1. Ouch! Like I said in an earlier comment, I wanted to make it funny but ended up seething with anger.

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    2. But, there are some funny lines all through. I like the way you phrase the lines to make them humorous.

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  17. food for thought ? ouch; thoughtful post !

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  18. Your anger is justified. Being funny while making trips to the throne and back ..... hmm tough call!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHAHAHA.... How do you think I managed to raise such a stink!!!

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  19. Purba,

    Kindly let me know your choice of vegetables with rice, so I can ask my wife to prepare different one for DABBA each day I visit you, you know where.

    Take care

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One more yummy reason to go to Tihar!

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  20. lol, that was one clever piece. Oh man, how much to worry about this country. But it still is the best, I wudnt live anywhere else.


    http://styledestino.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. Delhi is blessed to have eternal optimists like you.

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  21. I like your style and your blog is adorable!!! check mine we could follow on GFC and Bloglovin!!! xoxo

    www.rockandfrock.com

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  22. I've become a fan of your vocabulory, Purba!! Even in anger you write in a humorous style so effortlessly! Awesome!
    ...Reality stings!But, what is happening to those 400crores that has gone to Haryana for the Munak Canal or something..???
    Keep writing...and cool down:))Don't expect anything from these filthy rulers...sic

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    Replies
    1. Wow! thank you so much for your kind words....

      Haryana it seems is refusing to share water with Delhi.

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  23. You give a whole new meaning to "laugh and cry at the same time".

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  24. Loved this satirical ode to the city of extremes!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Summer is a harrowing time for us.

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  25. You may hate it or love it but you certainly cannot ignore Delhi and its proverbial belly!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the phrase "Delhi Belly" was coined to scare off the firangs!

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  26. This one spared no punches and every one of them finds its mark. The rich and the filthy have got a whole new meaning in the metros, not just Delhi, because they merrily misuse natural resources and deprive the rest of them. And as for our dear old CM, the less said the better since she is (in)famous for having said and done a lot of other insensitive things in the past too.

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    Replies
    1. If only we could all be responsible enough to realize that water is a precious commodity and needs to used wisely.

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  27. Too good!
    Someone show this article to Mrs Dixit :D
    But really, its hard to understand how the capital of "Shining" India is facing water problems at such a scale.
    We see all types of news like Delhi having a world class airport, building widest roads etc, yet, the basic requirements don't get fulfilled.
    btw, who is Ramkali? ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If Mrs Dikshit happens to read this, I will be made to drink water straight from the Yamuna!

      Ramkali - my ex female doggie friend.

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  28. Our slum lord -slum dweller nexus makes sure there are enough leaky pipes around to contaminate the city water .We boil drinking water on one hand and have no choice but to buy excreta enriched green veggies grown along the railway tracks on the other.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. These are things we know but prefer turning a blind eye to it.

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  29. Purba you have nailed it here! Its time you share this as a bound script to the slumdog makers. They would go bonkers on this new(?) revelation in dellii and get some more oscars for India(?)

    'If we can’t control our waste, we should consume it.' As much as sarcastic this line was, it cracked me up big time!

    Sheila Dixit needs to visit Mumbai and take a knowledge transfer from Hemaji, and get that Kent purifier. Because 'saari duniya ko pata hai, ki Kent Water Purifier se paani zyaada pure hota hai' ... 'aur meetha bhi!!'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There will come a time when nations will fight each other for control of natural resources.

      And Hema jee uses Kent pyurifiyyer :p

      Delete
  30. A brilliant post replete with seething satire about the sad state of affairs! The outstanding humor had me laughing all the time but the bitter reality makes me sad.

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    Replies
    1. The sad truth we choose to ignore.

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  31. ...ek hi rasta...door drishti, kadi mehnat, pucca irada: hum unnati ki ore badh rahe hain!
    A satire par excellence Purba! Wish the concerned authorities read it and move their..:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sheila Jee is too busy pointing fingers at Haryana.

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  32. Wow! The water can also make writers churn out such brilliant prose!!! Can you ship a few bottles to me?

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  33. One of these days, we're going to see a headline that goes "Traces of water found in water drunk by Indians". I love your dry, subtle humor. Am going to keep coming back here for more. cheers.

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    Replies
    1. Delighted to make your acquaintance Srini and thank you for the kind words:-)

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  34. Mein ghar ja raha hoon (I'm going home) :P


    (Definitely NOT on a jet plane)

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  35. Oh My God! :) Delhi and its woes!
    Now, they have that ad for a water purifier, where green muddy turns pure? Delhi could become their prime market! Thats a shitty ad, and thats some dirty water!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Delhi is finally an "effluent" city :p

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  36. Thanks for making Delhiphiles snap out of their dreamlands. There are so many love messages for Delhi all over the place, it is almost a blasphemy to criticize Delhi, especially when one doesnt live there anymore. The shocking thing is that people feel shocked at such news bits. werent you expecting it `auntyji' when you hurled your overstuffed trash bag in the nearby naali?
    love your blog, please drop by http://typicalindiangirl.wordpress.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ironically it "we the people" who have contributed to the mess..Our poor civic sense...thinking our problems are meant for somebody else to solve...

      Will be visiting your link soon :-)

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  37. Water you saying? Hehe! Loved this post, loved it loved it!

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  38. grt enlightening article for non delhites...

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  39. Come on Purba, you are shooing away the little trickle of tourists that come the Delhi way.

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    Replies
    1. Just stick to mineral water. Simple!

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  40. and than why should other metros be left behind.... following Dixit ji footsteps many wanna be CM across India have claimed to go for a Bharat bandh if their state isn't given the same amount of sewage water like that of Delhi. This is what is Inclusive growth....

    Weakest LINK

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha! Corruption...sewage #SameThing

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  41. Satire at its best! Loved this post, but I think I'll give the weight loss tip a miss and stick to mineral water in bottles, thank you

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    Replies
    1. Time to start your own slimming clinic - VL Chee Chee

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  42. I really like the title of the post. To be honest, India is not shining. The lustre has faded away.

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    Replies
    1. But we still haven't given up hope.

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  43. I've read so many blogs over the years. Some were really as good as your's. But most of them lost direction somewhere in the middle and stopped blogging (or stopped thinking before blogging). You, on the other hand, have every bit of it intact. More than the subtle humor, your posts flow just as fast (or as slow) as I'd like to read.

    Oh, btw, you may drink "child bear", not just "child beer"

    ReplyDelete
  44. LMAO... first blog post I read in months and it's hilarious. Jeez am I glad to leave Delhi.

    ReplyDelete

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