Sunday, July 8, 2012

Goddamn you particle!


Courtesy - Manjul.com


Imagine spending over a decade in quest of a boson named Higgs. Imagine spending over 54,000 crores and 500 trillion particle collisions in a very large collider only to sheepishly announce – Err...we are 99% sure that this is the Higg one, the remaining 1% we are leaving to God.

Quite like Bata’ 999.99 prices.

Little wonder that scientists at CERN unveiled their findings using Comic Sans. They wanted to make sure that we take their declaration with a pinch of humour.

Agreed that scientists are born to doubt and counter doubt, but did Archimedes stop to wear his underwear before he ran out screaming E U R E K A? There you are popping bottles of bubbly, your bifocals brimming over with tears of joy, yet you can’t get rid of that niggling doubt that has settled comfortably at the back of your mind – What if it turns out to be a devil in disguise?

But the good news is that Bengalis are confident that this is the real thing. If boson has Bose in it, how can it claim to be otherwise! If it is half Bengali, it has no choice but to be God. Mamata Di has already booked Eden Gardens to make a song and dance about it. The function may not have a beginning but will have a grand finale with Shahrukh landing in his Ra-One costume and planting a kiss on Didi’s oily forehead. Priyanka Chopra will then present the anti chip, chip cream to make Ms Banerjee’s forehead as dry as Thar before she breaks into an excited puppy dance.

To show my solidarity with Bengal,I have booked a Tatkal ticket for Kolkata. The only problem? It has been booked for July 2013.

China is a bit stressed. What the world does, this nation of chowmein does even better. They now have only a month to discover the For-God’s-Sake particle.

Needless to say, Indians found their God long time back - in Sachin the master blaster. And like the temperamental Higgs, HE made us wait for close to a century before he parted the sea with his bat.

If you are feeling left out, you can get your own personalized version of God. And no, you don’t have to collide invisible protons and neutrons to unearth it. Its counterfeit versions are readily available in Karol Bagh for just half the price! What the world creates, India recreates in days! Ha! They don’t call us the masters of reproduction for nothing.

Bhaiyya, 2 kilo God Particle pack kar dena...

My imagination is doing cartwheels, conjuring the far reaching implications of god in a particle. The joy of saying Higgs-boson-ki-kasam, I will drink your blood with straw...having Muesli fortified with nuts, seeds, fruits and god particles. The border patrol force can now look forward to apprehending criminals trying to smuggle in kilos of GP somewhere near the Mexico border....orgasming with Oh- God- particle... the possibility of discovering the Goddess particle as thousands of women collide at the much awaited Zara sale.....

The Almighty is now just a particle away.

Funny thing is we spend a lifetime looking for god when all the time He’s inside us, waiting to be discovered. Yet,we do our best to drive him away.

Irony at it's spectacular best?
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84 comments:

  1. and its interesting that it is called the "GOD" particle.....may be because "HE" is testing our faith, sitting inside us....

    and BTW congrats on getting a Tatkal ticket, at least you got one, so what if its for July 2013....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My tatkal ticket is more imaginary than real :-)

      Delete
  2. You made me laugh as well as ponder... I guess everything has it's pros and cons. The flaw with science is logic. We wanna explain everything. Hence we create the God Particle (Btw... It's said so cause it's in everything and gives meaning to all the atoms... Just like god )...
    God is in everything. But only few are blessed to understand it and discover it. For people like me, We are not blessed with the gift yet.

    Kudos for writing such a great article...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Such a heartfelt moment to read such an insightful comment from a boy I taught once upon a time!

      Delete
  3. Hmmm....ok, no more wine for you, you have had enough.
    But this article made me think....what if you became a "Guru-mata" and gave sermon's on Aastha Channel and conducted religious meets at Ramlila Ground.
    P.S. Was Archimedes Eureka Forbes's first salesman?
    P.P.S. Just saw the "chip chip" dance on youtube. I pity the Dalmatian.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will be Guru-mata only if you promise to dance for my followers, wearing a toga and a jasmine garland, with your hair tied in a bun.

      Delete
  4. I think the point of science it is to keep on looking for answers but sometimes, we don't know whats the question..Loved this article..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Curiosity gave birth to science.

      Delete
  5. Great post..loved the humour woven in in so nicely!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Purba,
    By God's grace a newly-found ‘Dada’ bonded well with Kolkata and that was a "sweaty" forehead for God's sake !!eeeks...
    God must have let that happen. Therefore, some particles exist:)) LOL..
    Fun read!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure God finds this discovery highly amusing :P

      Delete
  7. "Bhaiyya, 2 kilo God Particle pack kar dena"... best one till now :D .. You always have something hilarious up your sleeve :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Discovery of the Goddess particle due to the women colliding at the Zara sale....
    He he ....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can't find Goddess in a particle :D

      Delete
  9. a lot of noise of over something we fully cannot understand...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But I loved reading about it.

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  10. The irony is not lost definitely, and in all possibility it is a "SHE."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For me, the form, the gender is immaterial :-)

      Delete
  11. Purba,

    Sarcasm at its best. I loved the closing lines - Funny thing is we spend a lifetime looking for god when all the time He’s inside us, waiting to be discovered. Yet,we do our best to drive him away. So very true.

    Take care

    ReplyDelete
  12. :) oh yes inspite of us saying god resides in us all :)


    What i found hilarious or ooops funny was the interview they had on a indian channel i think APB news after the discovery where they had a buddhist, a pandit ji and Maulvi sahib andother religious heads .. It was more of a comedy show with what they were coming out with :)

    Has someone told Mamta ji that BOSON has its base in BOSE , she might get more weightage in her struggle of NOT having the president whats his name ... he he he :)
    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Presidential hopeful is a Bengali as well, with the G family's clout behind him.

      Delete
    2. yeah but this bengali she does not like for some reason or is that the "G" factor :)

      Delete
  13. The God scientist must read this post.... he won't even dare to visit CERN anymore fearing another blastic post from you :P

    Weakest LINK

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eesh! It's time to confess and repent!

      Delete
  14. Not quite sure that this God particle is...but I sure wanna use it to create more living space in Mumbai. Real estate prices have hit the roof :P

    Awesome post

    Cheers
    CRD

    Do visit mine

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pray hard and hope that God is just a particle away from you.

      Delete
  15. Enjoyed as usual. In the coming months we would know whether God has really been in that particle or not! Till then, we don't mind - because we know God is everywhere ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The scientific implications are immense but spiritually it doesn't really matter :-)

      Delete
  16. I think scientists have done a very bad job of trying to explain the God particle to us mere mortals. Must admit our astute Mamata has jumped on to the bandwagon before Godmen and the Chinese. No doubt they all will have a go at explaining why the scientists were wiping tears of joy surreptitiously and clapping wildly and how it will change the future of the world much like electronics did this century. Perhaps I'll just wait for my grand kids to tell me but this I must ask - what would you do without Mamata, Purba?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They finally know the mystery behind the Big Bang. That elusive particle that creates and gives mass.

      And Mamata Di is India's very own Big Bang :D

      Delete
  17. Masters of reproduction that we are the god particle from Karol Bagh is not too far away. May be instead of rushing off to Kolkata to join the celebration you could help in discovering the ' goddess particle':)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh my Higgs Boson.....in one masterstroke you have lampooned SRK, MB,PC and Indian Railways. Not to forget China. Good one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heh! I feel like an evil cowgirl.

      Delete
  19. Oh My God (Particle!) :D

    Bose would be sitting somewhere in some corner of this universe, as white as a ghost (but he might be a ghost after all), with a background track 'bhaag bhaag ... Bose' playing to enhance his miseries of being summoned at such wicked times.

    Did a Higgs bosom sneak out of the collider just to demonstrate its humourous manifestations to you?

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Satyendra Bose should thank his stars that he did not have to live long enough to see the antics of a certain Didi.

      And Anshul, I am a woman. I need more than "bosoms and behinds" to inspire me :D

      Delete
  20. it is a good thing that what we are made of - in more ways than one - is being accorded this importance. religion and science have finally reached a point where they can ask the right questions and look at the same answer. physically, at least. the entire business of a will behind the answer is another matter altogether.

    at the end of the day, the quality of one's life is determined by the quality of questions one asks. ever since the shift key broke it is all answers for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yet, we prefer not to think. We'd rather fill our day with mindless tasks, just to avoid those uncomfortable questions.

      Delete
  21. Hahhahhh...see you in Kolkata in 2013! I am thinking of booking my tickets, too ;)

    ReplyDelete
  22. loved the last 4 paragraphs the best!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I wholeheartedly agree with the last two sentences .. I think this God particle thing is actually much ado over nothing !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not really! Particle physics is the building block of the universe.

      Delete
  24. I'm waiting for someone to explain me why a particle smaller than the smallest thing known and only hypothesized into existence has any connection to this entity called God.

    HHHOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW????

    P.S.: Funny as bleddy usual!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because it's that elusive thing that sticks to a particle and gives it character :-)

      Delete
  25. So difficult to leave a comment on your blog now due quick disappearance act, Purba! High time you discover a "Godess Particle' to help even if some help from someone from Karol Bagh:)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Sarcasm at its best!
    Bata reference was awesome! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Never understood Bata's logic behind it's pricing.

      Delete
  27. Purba, my fourth attempt to post a remark and hope ' The Goddess Particle' emerges to see this one the light of the day:)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hah.a...higgism...loved the wit and sarcasm!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Need to discover the 'Goddess Particle' soon as many atempts made to leave a message on this lovely post, Purba:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think she can be discovered in a mere particle :P

      Delete
  30. If only they published a picture of God particle,i would know which God to appease;i wonder which one of our various Gods it resembles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As expected it's invisible. You have to feel it to believe it :-)

      Delete
  31. Good one, could I solicit a visit from you on my blog on same subject..if you could spare some time (http://www.saketsuryesh.net/2012/07/fumbling-attempt-to-grapple-with-higgs.html)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sure, would love to read your version.

      Delete
  32. You never fail to make me think with a smile!

    ReplyDelete
  33. ha ha.....the Grist Mill is also selling Higgs Bosons :-)

    ReplyDelete
  34. LOL, great read as usual Purba....

    ReplyDelete
  35. Haha .. Cracked me up . Totally god parTICKLEd me :D

    ReplyDelete
  36. I wrote a comment here yesterday but somehow it didn't get posted. So here, I do it again...many of my friends were asking me what was this God Particle all about, and I have forwarded this link to all of them, LOL. Superb Purba, as usual!!

    The 'half-bengali' Boson and the counterfeit Particle for sale in Karol Bagh......laugh riot!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh dear! so sorry about that.

      And I hope you know, you did your friends a disservice, by forwarding them this link :D

      Delete
  37. well said...we spend a lifetime in discovering Him who is within us all the time, but drive Him away. What God particle? Huh...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The mysterious creator in a small particle.

      Delete
  38. /But the good news is that Bengalis are confident that this is the real thing. If boson has Bose in it, how can it claim to be otherwise! If it is half Bengali, it has no choice but to be God. Mamata Di has already booked Eden Gardens to make a song and dance about it. The function may not have a beginning but will have a grand finale with Shahrukh landing in his Ra-One costume and planting a kiss on Didi’s oily forehead. Priyanka Chopra will then present the anti chip, chip cream to make Ms Banerjee’s forehead as dry as Thar before she breaks into an excited puppy dance./

    awesome .. loved this post ma'm, archived it in my inbox !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Honoured, delighted, flattered......

      Delete
  39. after a long time here and well served!

    only you can make a hilarious post from higgs boson, Didi, and other funny metaphors stuffed within to end with a deeper question:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Imagine me giving a serious discourse on Higgs boson!

      Delete
  40. You have very imaginatively unearthed (and unleashed) a few of the never ending possibilities that have suddenly come to life thanks to the arrival of the “We-think-so-God-Particle”. If the claim of the scientists is indeed true, God might come to earth soon in search of his particle!

    More importantly, after providing so much laughs, you have also made everyone think about the strange irony of our quest in life.

    ReplyDelete

Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

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