Friday, July 20, 2012

How To Be A Pretentious Twit

He is everything that a stereotypical Delhi munda is not. Mostly sober, always sharp and bothering people since he was born, Kartikay now Yahoos in the Garden City. When he's not busy cracking codes, he indulges in Callous Caffeinated Conversations. He's also ambitious and aims to be the most pretentious twit of all. Here's Kartikay sharing expert tips on how to be one, in five easy steps...


Courtesy - Cartoonstock.com



I was running late. It was already ten past five and I had to meet a friend at the coffee shop next to the mall. But first I had to go to the bookshop; otherwise my plan for the busy evening would backfire. I reached in ten minutes and headed straight for the section with coffee table books. I scanned the shelves and found the one on Indian saris in the lower left-hand corner and proceeded to the billing counter.

“That’ll be thirty-two-fifty rupees, sir.”

“What? Really? That’s expensive. I just wanted a book that looks appealing from the sides, especially when stacked in a bookshelf.”

There was a moment of silence between the lady behind the counter and me. After an unusually long time a girl standing at the counter next to us turned to me and said:

“You are such a pretentious twit!”

“Why thank you! Really appreciate that. Meanwhile, could you recommend me a coffee table book ... ?”
 
We, the pretentious, are a rare breed indeed. There are a few of us remaining and most of our clubs have waning membership. Times have changed, and I fondly remember those moments in my tweed jacket discussing Nietzsche sipping on my electronic cigar.

Recognizing some talent in you, Purba ji, I’ve decided to give you a quick rundown for you and your husband to be prepared for the exhaustive interviews to our esteemed clubs.

1. Drink Wine

Nothing does a better job at pretentiousness than wine. Go out to an expensive place with a large bunch of people. Go ahead. Order that wine, especially when everyone else is so freaked out about the menu’s right hand column that they all order beer.

Once you have a glass in your hands, pick it up by the stem, swirl it around in the air once or twice and then sniff it. Make noises. Sniff again and take a light sip. Rinse your entire mouth with that wine just like you do with Listerine mouthwash. Don’t put down the glass. Keep swirling it in the air. Say words like “oxidation” and “palate”. Talk about why the Sula Dindori Reserve disappoints you, especially with the lack of flavour and the missing hint of tanin.
 
End it with a long dialog on why your Sauvignon pairs well with Butter Chicken.

2. Buy a DSLR

The problem with photography is that everyone can claim to be a connoisseur. Clearly that is not the case, and one way to prove that you are above the rest is to buy a DSLR camera. Be careful, however, that you become an expert only after the DSLR enters your house, and not since the time you ordered it online.

Even without the camera in your hand, be sure to include the phrase “rule of thirds” as you speak to others. For example, if you’re splitting a bill amongst three people, be sure to talk about the “rule of thirds.” In your daily speech, sprinkle in words like “kit lens”, “primes” and “chromatic aberration”.

Finally, upload your photos of flowers onto Facebook, or write a blogpost about them.

3. Pose with the DSLR

The drawback with owning a DSLR is that not many people know you own one. So when you’re talking about the “rule of thirds” some people might think you’re a douche instead of a pretentious twit. (We maintain a clear separation from the douches).

Luckily there is an easy fix to this problem. Upload profile pictures like the one below, preferably with clothing:

(For your use: Image URL: http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/320027_274301412580624_2642433_n.jpg)

4. Sport a Fake Accent

Colonialism has left us with a very clear and consistent idea of what pretentiousness is. Across all corners of India, there is no doubt as to who qualifies as a pretentious twit. This definitely works to our advantage, as we don’t have to try very hard in our attempt to ape the West.

The fourth step is to build on a fake accent, preferably American. (Note: most other accents backfire). This step requires practice and constant training. Dedication towards true pretentiousness should be an important motivator for you at this stage.

Do watch some videos to help you in this, like the one below. Work on words like “development”, “partteeyy” and “therttty faaiiivvee”

From my experience, I can tell you that if you can pronounce the “rule of thirds” in a pretentious American accent you have made amazing progress.

5. Run a Marathon

However, one must stride towards perfection, towards a holistic pretentious image. Since we’ve already talked about drinking habits, hobbies and speech, let’s dwell on sports now.
 
Research has shown that, across 186 nations, the most pretentious sport is running a marathon.

Luckily marathon organizers are aware of their pretentious appeal and cater to our segment by introducing “half-marathons” and “quarter-marathons”. Remember, as is with other things in life, the run-up to the event is more important than the event itself.

First, buy expensive running shoes. Did you know that our clubs tied up with a few shoe manufacturers to introduce pretentious running shoes? You can recognize them with wild designs on the outside but absolutely no benefit inside.

Second, start training, but ensure that your training statistics are published on Facebook. You must at least publish duration of exercise, number of calories burnt and kilometers run. If you’re having problems here, don’t worry, contact me and I can ensure these apps publish data without you actually running.

Lastly, go run the marathon. But, please, make sure you (a) get a photograph clicked of you running and (b) publish your official time. Even if you took more than 70 minutes for a half-marathon, it’s still pretentious enough.

You Can Do It
 
Dear readers, I believe that if you follow these simple steps, punch in some more enthusiasm, you can become one of us. It’s a wonderful world being a pretentious twit, full of colour, flavour and excess tannin.
 
I’ll end with a short but pretentious quote from Neitzche:

“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”

P.S.: It’s always pretentious to include a post-script. Especially when it makes no sense.



78 comments:

  1. Pretentious twits, no dearth of them in metros like Mumbai and Delhi! The fake done that been there...:-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why thank you! We always have our membership open ..

      Delete
  2. hahahahahhahaha..lol..i hope they start a 100 m mini marathon for ppl like me :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brilliant feedback, Ana! I was pass this on to my superiors!

      Delete
  3. Delhi is home for the pretentious lot.....on can never tell by the accent or branded clothes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. While Delhi is certainly our India headquarters, we are always open to expanding to other cities. Any recommendations?

      Delete
  4. i was reading the post and going, ah, he is talking about..., and now he is talking about..., several examples for each method right in my neighborhood. great one. thanks, purba, thanks, kartikay.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right in your neighbourhood! Wow! Please let us conduct a recruitment drive!

      Delete
  5. hahah really entertaining post. You missed out on serving cheese with wine...branded goodies and talking about the number of times you have travelled abroad...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Travelling abroad! Yes yes yes! Lazy Pineapple, you are brilliant!

      Delete
  6. Good one, Kartikay! You almost some good ones. Maybe, mentioning that you have written/ are writing a book, are a gym enthusiast, start discussing pranayams or surya namaskars, or start doling out gyan about healthy eats could up your pretentious quotient as well :).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Errm...that sounds like me :p

      Delete
    2. Purba Ji, like I said, I see great talent in you! Hahahaha!

      Delete
    3. Purba, I was actually taking a dig at my own self :). Glad to know that you could relate as well ;-).

      Delete
  7. Khool!
    And sometimes you give them the benefit of doubt assuming that they might have lived in Amrika for the better part or their lives and then one of them spits or throws the tissue on the road from their Mercedes and you go - Ah! Now that was a DSLR shot!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahahaha! Brilliant! You see, one of the first instructions we give our trainees is to be distinctly visible anywhere and everywhere. You clearly know!

      Delete
  8. Nice one! Drinking wine and running a marathon are definitely tops on my list... not necessarily on the same day! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well then, do it on the same day! More the merrier, as they say!

      Delete
  9. DELIGHTFUL! I know some of these people!!
    One definite addition to the list could be - Travel to those way, way, way off the beaten path places - and casually slip those experiences into a normal conversation. For example,"I know we are in Sagar and the sambhar here is awesome, but have you had the Lablabi you get in Tunisia? Now THAT is absolutely divine!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That brings me to the question: have you had the lublubi? It That has a brilliant terseness that is matched only by some more lublubi! Hehe!

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  10. Superb...
    LOL..We're just so fashionable and ironic and hyper-refined and hyper-aware--arghh! I've met some of these painful morons. Just so full of themselves and self-absorbed...hahaha...:))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Panchali! Good to know that you met some from our club. Quite a wonderful bunch we are! We are, aren't we? Yes, we are!

      Delete
  11. buahahaha! this was hilarious. i don't think i've read a diy on pretentious beh before =D

    another one for the list can be- eat everything with table spoons and knives =P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Table manners is an important part of our persona. Our club members are especially proud of eating hot samosas with just fork and knives - beat THAT! Hehe!

      Delete
  12. Damn you, Sahay!
    P.S. It is not a DSLR.
    P^2.S. Even Blush would go well with Butter Chicken
    P^3.S. What a body that guy has.....*sniff* What beauty! What beauty! *sniff*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. P.P.P.S. - I am going to kill Kartikay. Can I kill you too, Mrs. Ray?

      Delete
    2. *runs and hides in a corner*

      To make up for this article, I must admit that I was inspired to write only because of you. You pushed the boundaries and made our Pretentious Clubs possible! Hehe

      On a serious note, thanks for your photograph. Also, you're free to write a counter-attack!

      Delete
  13. If I may:
    6. - Buy apparels from either Puma, Adidas or Pepe. Don't forget to tell people how their products' fabrics are chosen such that you have to earn it as in Cadbury Bournville.
    7. - "Follow" Football...err..Soccer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please! Soccer is .. soccer! A true pretentious twit follows the original British system. I'm quite amazed that a country that follows the wrong lane driving, system of measurements and incorrect name for soccer is still relevant today. Sheeeeesh!

      Delete
  14. or while introducing yourself to someone, you just have to say ... "I am from Delhi"
    there you go ... Game Over :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't worry! Newer cities are doing a better job than our Indian HQ of pretentiousness! Tier-II and Tier-III cities have really caught up.

      Still, there's no doubting the aura of Delhi! :D

      Delete
  15. well well welll yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I qualify for that yes yes yes Finally something ot show off about ..

    I have a DSLR camera, it is black, has a lens , its canon need i go on and yeah the shutter speed and aperture.. :)


    and Oh yes already gone and commented in a lot of blogs how I am training for the marathon, what year I have not yet disclosed :)

    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BIKRAM!

      Please fill our application form on our website. RIGHT NOW!

      Delete
  16. Damn!! Time I hid my DSLR and dropped that fake accent I had started to pick up. Excellent post though :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ... or do the right thing: join us!

      We can take you to newer fancier locations without actually going there - and still have enough blah to make it seem you did!

      Delete
  17. Kartikay,

    Dig at its best telling how fake we are becoming.

    Take care

    Purba,

    Thanks for the link. Take care

    ReplyDelete
  18. When I saw the name of this post, the first name that came to mind was obviously Kartikay. Well, this is straight from the horses mouth!

    Kartikay, Kartikay.. you are the only Pretentious twit that mankind has. No one can ape you. You do it without the DSLR, expensive books or attempting to run a marathon. Wait, are you misleading the masses?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is Pretentious 101.

      We, the masters, have of course progressed to higher levels of learning. I'm pretentious without most of these. Isn't that awesome?

      Delete
  19. Such an amusing post. Your last line had to be your punch line. Here's my post script and I hope it makes sense - O to have the ability to see ourselves as others see us. PPS - Couldn't help laughing at Rachana's comment too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now that, Kay Em, is summarizing what we do in our zen moments!

      Delete
  20. Now i shall go to my mirror and practice looking down my snub nose :) Have all the other directions pat, thanks to this post :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well thank you! Hope I've put you on the right track!

      Delete
  21. LOL, a really great post. And loved the why that you got many things spot on :-) (yeah saying things like that are also signs of pretentious individuals)...
    Keep writing, it is fun to read you ....

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  22. Hahahaa...don't we all know quite a few of these!!!! I was literally nodding with each point in complete agreement!!!

    P.S. I use a lot of P.S.'s on my blog :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. P.S.: It's okay to have a P.S. block after absolutely no text whatsoever.

      P.P.S.: Seriously.

      Delete
  23. Great post, Kartikay! LOL at the drink wine and DSLR:P Loved the p.s. part too!

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    Replies
    1. P.S.: You should do all three at the same time!

      Delete
  24. That was so amusing. Had just started penning a blog on the pretentiousness of being the photography expert if one owned a DSLR, being an avid reader if one had read more than 2 books in a lifetime or attends the Jaipur lit fest etc. Might have to change some of that now that I read your blog! Loved the part of the pretentious American accent. Most of the numbers in all that you say are only increasing and its amusing to note that all are pretentious!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And that, Richa, is a good thing! :D

      Delete
  25. The pinnacle of pretension - and by this, I refer to the dizzying heights to which we twits can ascend - comes when names have been dropped and plays have been attended. Nothing says twit more than a casually dropped "Oh, I was just speaking to Ratan the other day" or the unsolicited, full frontal review of the Vagina Monologues while wrinkling the nose at, of course, that glass of Sula Dindori Reserve which your hapless host had the ill grace to serve :-)

    Purba ji certainly has an eye for spotting talent. Many thanks for this breath of fresh air. Good show, Kartikay.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow! Thanks a lot Srini. Also, forget the Sula Dindori Reserve. Cabernet Shiraz is so middle-class! :D

      Delete
  26. The list wasnt exhaustive Kartikay. Apart from owning DSLR, the pretentious twits also possess IPad, they play golf during their free time, talk of holidays they mention scuba diving, paragliding etc, they are also very health conscious and eat only cereals for breakfast and salads for lunch and pastas for dinner.

    a very amusing post indeed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous, this was just a primer. We, the Pretentious, can help you further climb the ladder in the right way! Join us, and see life in a completely different light. With Swarovski crystals! :D

      Delete
  27. Replies
    1. Hehe. You must! It will help you go a long way in life :D

      Delete
  28. OH MY GOD! I've done nothing of the above!!!!!! Damn..............is it too late? Have I missed the bus? Please say no..........Do you have a dummies guide? A crash course? Anything, anything...............just let me in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*bangs on closed doors furiously*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True pretentious talent may not even be realized till late in your life. Don't worry, we have a fast-track course for that. Hope is never lost!

      Delete
  29. hee hee hee duly noted. marathon is in sept so i guess i aint late. and about the SLR pic, ah well!

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    Replies
    1. How about taking this to the next level: an international marathon? You can still run your half-marathon, no one will know, but you will get immense coolness running in the bylanes of Paris!

      Delete
  30. My God I haven't done any of the above! I feel so left out now :( How long do you think would it take me to become a full fledged member of you esteemed club?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh you haven't done any of those basics?

      Hmm.

      Umm.

      Are you sure you want to be part of this club? We take great pride in the fact that not any Tom, Dick or Harry can make it. You have to prove you can do it. Show some talent. Flaunt some money.

      Sheeeeeesh!

      Delete
  31. List is really amusing and well researched. Few of them flashed in my mind too while going through your words....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well researched! Of course! We've been doing this for years!

      Think you can handle this greatness? Join us!

      Delete
  32. First I have to buy a DSLR to learn these.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Psssst. A small hint: You could buy a second-hand DSLR produced 5 years ago, and then look down upon all those who have the latest cameras and started now!

      "Well, I've been doing this for 5 years and I still find the flange range of newer cameras just the same. Don't bother me."

      Delete
  33. Just these 5 techniques? That's sweet and clean! :D

    Oh hell, I need to go, have to run a marathon :P

    Nice post!

    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks BA! Though I did mention that this is just a primer. We have advanced courses that include topics such as cocktails, table manners and evening dressing.

      You must join!

      Delete
  34. I always thought the mothers of dubai returned keralaites were the most pretentious :D :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! Yes, that's a good point there. We have a lot to learn from these moms!

      Delete
  35. fantasssssstic Kartikay!

    wish you had come up with more points so that I could be the purrrfect twit:)

    listening to the video and loving it so!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh and there are many more videos of this kind. Most of them end up saying that you need to join their class! (Not surprising).

      P.S. Oldfox, would you like to join our club? I really liked your name! Ha!

      Delete
  36. Absolutely grrrrrreat!! I loved the DSLR bit.
    I used to be an enthusiastic photographer in the analog days and used to fiddle around with SLRs and 2-3 pair of lenses. I have now given it up as this nice and solitary hobby is overcrowded with people who claim to be "experts" and sport a DSLR.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The fact is that photography is a hobby that:

      a) Has high visibility (especially in today's day-and-age of Facebook and the likes)
      b) Is mind-bogglingly expensive

      Combine the two and you have the favourite hobby of the pretentious!

      P.S.: Quite amazing that you were enthusiastic about photography in the pre-DSLR days. It takes guts to experiment with only 36 shots in one reel!

      Delete
  37. This is fabulous! I also find speaking in expressions and appropriately using quotes from people such Oscar Wilde adds value. On, and don't forget to always be dressed impeccably ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oscar Wilde, oh Oscar Wilde! Thank you for all those quotes that you never wrote or said. Brilliant personality!

      Delete

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