Monday, August 20, 2012

A Blackened Reputation

To Dear_God@gmail.com
 

Subject – To Report Abuse

Wassup God,

Long time no see, no hear, no speak – I hope you are not trying to be Manmohan Singh!

On a serious note, I am writing to you to express outrage against centuries of abuse I have suffered in the hands of your greatest creation, mankind. Generation after generation has engaged in vilifying my “good name” for absolutely no fault of mine. I am but just a shade minding my own business but now spend most of my time howling in agony like a hungry hyena at the unfairness of it all. Could you please ask your assistant to hunt for the devil who initiated this ugly campaign against me?

My name is being exploited to describe all things evil and undesirable. I mean, there are so many others they could have picked. Why just me! I have become a slur to my own name. I wish I could drown and melt into nothingness.

Guess what, it has become even worse. A hirsute Baba, with a wink deadlier than Diggy’s conspiracy theories is spearheading a kranti that has taken away my shanti. He’s associating my name with ill-gotten wealth stashed away in Islands with difficult to spell names. A collaboration that has earned me nothing but disrepute. I concede that he is simply using me to endear himself to a nation with an attention span of a 3 year old, but did it really have to be me?

I think I will sue that man and live sadly ever after, drinking lauki juice on his island in Scotland.

As if it wasn’t bad enough to be associated with cats that bring bad luck...sheep with a villainous character... a day that’s tragic... a heart that’s devious....a skin that will relegate a girl to a lifetime of misery.... a colour that’s racist! As if there were no colours to choose from! Tell me, what’s wrong with the “red sheep of the family”, a “blue cat crossing your path”, “a mauve heart”. Yet it had to be blackmail, black-money, black guard, black-eye...a face blackened to shame...Uff!

I suspect mankind is colour blind.

My sob story doesn’t end here. After watching White hog all the limelight for centuries, I now have to put up with the agony of Grey being celebrated as the next-superstar! The very name “fifty shades of grey” is turning women into a red faced, panting, and giggly mass of gloop. What does grey have that I don’t?

But I must thank these women for turning me into a style statement, using me to flaunt their curves and hide flab. The superstar, who prefers me to be picture perfect on the red carpet. The girl who lines her eyes to appear mysterious. The coffee that keeps his adrenalin pumping.

But I refuse to be placated with these small consolations. I want you wave your iWand and make this politics of colour disappear into thin air. I’ve had enough of me, sitting on the Opposition benches, feeling like L.K Advani. My life feels like a grid failure with no hopes of recovery.

God, give me hope, show me light and make life fair for me.

Waiting for Glory

Sincerely yours

Black

P.S – can you please send cartons of Fair & Lovely to Baba Crusader? After all, all he needs to do is slather those notes with the lotion, to make them legal and white.

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76 comments:

  1. Oh come on! How about the black holes, which is apparently the only thing that Stephen Hawking covets? Or the Blackberry in my hands? Or the black box, which is the only thing to survive a plane crash! What a biased post!

    You should be blacklisted for this! :p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A black hole that has seen nothing but darkness,where even light is not allowed to escape! What kind of existence is that!

      A BB that never leaves you alone for a second!

      I demand the right to choose the colour for the "blacklist"!

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  2. Poor Black. Its existence is further threatened by '18 Again'.

    And Baba's wink is surely deadlier than conspiracy theories....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's India economy that needs to feel 18 again.

      Delete
  3. Ah well I always found Black sexy and beautiful :)
    How do you think of such things Purba - As usual an excellent written post !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blame the darkness that engulfs my mind :P

      Delete
  4. The first line had me in fits :) As always a very witty post!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Very well written post. Life is really "unfair!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Need to start a "Justice for black" page.

      Delete
    2. Yeah,let's! Purba ji aap aage badho, hum tumhare saath hain ;-).

      Delete
  6. It is the karma of Black to be the measure by which grey and white can be glorified. In that sense, Black is essential for a moral construct.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Black sacrificed it's glory for the sake of grey and white? How noble.

      Delete
  7. I know it's not looking good for the little fellow, but, please can someone tell Black that Kareena is looking for him?? :D

    Always such fun to read!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right now Kareena prefers looking like a psychedelic fruit :D

      Delete
  8. Purba,

    Very genuine grouse by BLACK. Why can we not say Illegal Wealth instead of Black Money? Why use Black only in negative way? After all this is also one of the basic colours, so what if it is associated with night mostly.

    Take care

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I feel for black. Time to make it's future bright.

      Delete
  9. Why have fears Purba ? In this subcontinent the Black will rule the roost till we reach the levels of prosperity of the Dark continent:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. North India is the new dark continent.

      Delete
  10. Amen to the that.. lets hope GOd is listening ..

    and by the way "BLACK" is politically wrong , you should be saying person of colored origin :)

    yep i have to say that , because black is not black :)
    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, black hits a bias again! Coloured is always black.

      Delete
    2. I know , beleive me got to deal with it EVERYDAY..

      Delete
  11. Written well, though your position seems as shifty and confused as the mixed situation warrants.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Okay! even though I didn't quite get it.

      Delete
  12. Beautifully written as usual:)Cartons of fair and lovely to make black white? LOL!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a thought worth implementing :D

      Delete
  13. Replies
    1. ACDC! The band with the man who wears a suit with shorts.

      P.S. Why did you choose to attack Black this time? How about .. umm .. pink?

      Delete
    2. Yikes!! Pink is definitely not my type.

      Delete
  14. I am reminded of the movie "cats and dogs" where the cats hilariously plot to defeat dogs to try and become man's favorite pet ... black is in a similar struggle for attention from humans ... We could have bombed the "white" headquarters but in this lame age of non-violence, i think the only option to bring back the black is by hiring a PR campaign that blackens (ooops!) the reputation and preference for white ... :)

    coming to your blog after a loooong loooong time ... yahaan kaafi mohal chala raha hai. huh ? :P

    keep going places ... cheers

    - flawsophy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let's embroil white in a sex scandal! What say you?

      And great to see you here,after such a loooong time :-)

      Delete
  15. If people could read through the layers of wit and humor and find the hidden agony of being black (race), dark, mute (on current affairs) against the paradox of shiny the red carpets and mascaras, this will be a great message delivered!
    Nice post

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love how each one of you interprets an article.

      Yes, sarcasm is the underlying tone of this write-up :-)

      Delete
  16. Black is irresistible! God has given black the greatest gift, everyone wants it! Look at hair, for instance. Its a quest! The hair that is the darkest shade of black, walks away with the eyeballs (the kaali kaali aankhen, even)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, and she has the blackest hair with eyes to match :-)

      Delete
  17. "Oh! God, MAIN IS SAFED-KAALE KE CHAKKAR MEIN RAMDEV-KAAMDEV JAISAA PHANSAA HOON"......:)

    and BTW even Bhagwan krishna was black too, but he always remained SALONAa for Radha...then why there is so much hue n cry on money being black....??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Krishan was dark, yet he was portrayed as blue. The politics of colours has been in existence since centuries.

      Delete
  18. Have no fear. As Rahul has pointed out, it is the colour of the future, whether chosen by Bollywood types or the political ones. So cheer up, there, Black!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Black is thankful to dear Zephyr for this cheerful comment.

      Delete
  19. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Your challenge to God hit all the right spots - Black hearts, sheep, mail, guards and careless winks somehow dismayed the heart and made me cringe. But with a clever tickle to the funny bone you managed to dispel the gloom, split the face into a smile and even squeeze those helpless lacrimals. A-mazing talent, Purba. Oh, and I do believe you are right. The colour is misunderstood.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's always a pleasure to hear kind words of appreciation from fellow writers :-)

      Delete
  21. This is such a 'Black'(great) post Purba!!! 'Black'(excellent) work, 'black'(superb) effort! Kudos.

    There now, Black seems to smile a bit :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Black just broke into grateful tears!

      Delete
  22. I feel it's an effect of the Grid Failure :))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You mean, I faced a blackout?

      Delete
    2. I meant remaining in dark (during blackout)made u think about black. Btw "Black" is revered in many ways also, like, Black-Dog (one of the best alcohols), Black-Panther, Black-Cat,Black-Belt, Black-Jack etc...

      Delete
  23. Also Black also reveals the dandruff on your head.
    I am sure Black would be calling you to represent it as it's attorney.
    P.S. You did not mention the armpit whitening creams

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are armpit fixated. You need help.

      Delete
  24. Have you heard "Pink is new black?" going rounds in the fashion industry (of course, for women):P

    ReplyDelete
  25. Nature always finds a balance. Fairness has a balance in blackened hearts. Every penny going to a beggar has an equivalent stashed away in a Swiss bank.
    And Black is the ruler of the future world.
    So, rejoice Black! Your time has come.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I want the balance tilted to my side.

      Sincerely yours
      Black

      Delete
  26. Haha. Black absorbs all, white reflects all (all=colourss). the former takes all (selfish), the latter gives all (selfless). hence the treatment :-P :-P :-D

    anyway, but girls and the women walking down a red carpet and the flabs want to absorb all the attention, without exposing any loophole.

    Well written, as always.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I loved your interpretation! You just made black's day.

      Delete
  27. Dear Black,

    I love you. I like you in my clothes. I like you on my eyes. I like you on my hair :)

    So worry not black.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Just a :D for Purba...
    And a cheer up note for Black - my husband looks FABULOUS in black T-shirts.. No other color compares! :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your husband is lucky to have you and black :-)

      Delete
  29. Ha ha...I read till the end curbing my desire to find out who the petitioner is!:D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought it was pretty obvious!

      Delete
  30. Black is mysterious and hence blamed for everything we cannot explain...nice read..thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Had this been written in the 'treta yug', I would have accepted this Black letter as a valid petition. But now, that Black is so much in vogue, that every one is turning to Black things and everything that is related to it, I suspect, Black needs to write a redress letter to God. Black means affluence, abundance, power and everything that comes in trickles to the white. Business is not done in broad daylight, but behind heavy curtains (which make the color Black shine forth) and everyone seeks refuge in the blackness of anonymity to take digs, no scoops at anyone else. Black is the much talked about thing today, and I am afraid, black is the future too. I have been looking forward to enter the realm of the black space beyond the cozy earth since a long time, and yet, black rants for being unpopular. Ask it to look around, the universe is awash with black.

    :P

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The philosophy of black. Loved reading it.

      Delete
  32. Poor Black..I never thought Black felt "blue" about all this..Sigh..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Black is upset at being misunderstood :P

      Delete
  33. A black letter day..! Well done Rachna :)

    ReplyDelete
  34. The whole idea of this post is extraordinarily creative. Loved every bit of it. God's email id is really funny. I should try sending a mail, heheheh.

    ReplyDelete
  35. how sorry black must have felt today after reading this post! :P

    a black day in the history of black's life!

    :-)

    ReplyDelete

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