Sunday, November 11, 2012

Ek machhar salaa….



Courtesy - iStockphoto.com

A man and his bunch of friends were shooting at a foreign locale when a grave misunderstanding occurred. Over 166 men and women were careless enough to get killed.

If you want to be safe and alive, you have no business being out of your house!

That man, let’s call him AK-47, was given a free stay at Arthur Jail, Mumbai and awarded death by cholesterol. Unfortunately the biryani failed to work its magic and he was doomed to a diet of runny dal and overcooked veggies.

Fortunately for AK-47, Mumbai high court finally managed to frame a sentence starting with death. But this is India. A death sentence increases your chances at being alive. In fact, it’s easier to die outside the jail than inside its four walls.

Waiting to die can get boring and waiting for someone to die can get even more frustrating. So, a mosquito inspired by Nana Patekar’s memorable “Salaa ek machhar aadmi ko hijda bana deta hai” decided to test its superpowers on AK-47.

The nation erupted with joy. It was decided that the Bharat Ratna be conferred on salaa machhar for delivering speedy justice. Unfortunately justice had other plans. Even dengue gave up on AK-47.

But I’m the one who sees the brighter side of the dark and have hit upon this brilliant plan. Why not train these suckers for anti-terror operations, put them on a diet of lauki juice and then unleash them on juicy, beef fed Jehadis? It will be a win-win situation for all. The mosquitos will achieve nirvana and the terrorists will finally get to meet and mate the 72 virgins. And the virgins won’t be able to refuse men drained out of blood, who look straight out of a Twilight movie.

In fact, I’ve thought of a name for these winged monsters – Squad Choos-lee.

Unlike commandos, squad Choos-Lee needs no helicopters and expensive firearms, can swoop in undetected and create a buzz! No bullet can kill them, no bomb can maim them and what’s more they do not demand hefty salaries or complain of lack of direction in life. They are happy as happy can be.

And God forbid if the sting operation fails they will not resort to blackmail and demand hundreds of crores.

What’s more, it will give the mosquitoes a chance at redemption. After centuries of infecting the tax-paying, politician fun-making innocents and their offspring, they can finally channelize their sucking powers for the greater good of humanity.

I humbly request the government and the Ambanis take my proposal seriously. I already have my first batch ready – thousands of Aedes and Anopheles breeding in AIIMS and Safdurjung hospital.

While North Korea and China waste millions of dollars on nukes, India will stun the world with their version of organic WMDs. US, the self-appointed saviour of the world, can outsource their drone attacks to us and we in turn can outsource it to Squad Choos-Lee!

Sigh! I can almost imagine those misguided zealots whom the world calls terrorists screaming - Thappad se darr nahin lagta sahib, machhar se lagta hai!

And the Nobel prize for peace will finally get a deserving winner, me.


69 comments:

  1. Haha! Enjoyed reading it.. Cheers :-)

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  2. Ek Machhar bhi dangerous hai. (from the HIT ad). :)

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  3. Hahah! Howlarious! "Death by cholesterol." LAMO

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  4. Unleashing of mosquito power! Happy Diwali , Purba:)

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    Replies
    1. Hoping that Diwali fumes manage to vanquish the evil.

      Happy Diwali to you :-)

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  6. Humorous yet considerable... We should let the decision makers of the govt. read this post... HAHA... Great post..

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    Replies
    1. Yes, it's time we harnessed their power.

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  7. Lol....Honestly, thappad se dar nahin lagta, machchar se lagta hai.

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    Replies
    1. Happy Diwali to you and your family :-)

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  8. crap idea:| you've lost your touch! happy diwali btw:)

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    Replies
    1. Indeed, but what stops you from saying that using your real name?

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  9. Great Post.
    ~Happy Diwali to you & your family~

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  10. Ha....interesting idea....but...ummm...what if the mosquitoes instead give the terrorist superpowers and we end up battling a legion of Mosquito-Men(like spider man)? You know, the mosquitoes bred in the hospitals might have mutations because of the X-ray rays and other chemicals.

    Also death by cholestrol made me remember something :P

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    Replies
    1. Yes, you had written a post on this :-)

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  11. This could be the most innovative and deadly killer machine that will be ever conceived (and home-bred). I wish and hope the Indian Govt takes notice. ;)

    You have single handedly given India the (only) key to becoming a superpower. Simply hilarious writing as usual. :)

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    Replies
    1. This or have Gadkari float in a parachute. It will scare the living daylights out of terrorists.

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  12. Interesting idea. As always your satires rock.

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  13. Simply amusing, Purba! Your posts are always hilarious and creative. LOVED the take! :)

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  14. AK-47 is such an important asset for our country that they will never allow your squad near him. A suicide mission maybe.
    And please while you are at it, can you please include all the dengue mosquitoes in your squad too? They are killing innocents when they should be serving the nation.

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    Replies
    1. I plan to use to use only the choicest Anopheles and Aedes.

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  15. I'm sorry but that is one sucky job.

    PETA activists will come after you. Just a warning, that's all!

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    Replies
    1. Why would they do that? I'll be providing nourishment to the macchar population.

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  16. Back with a bang..:D.. BTW The Chooslee Death Squad is thus essentially made up from only women because only the female macchar suck us dry..:D
    More like the Amazons and Wonder Woman.. Now that's what you call Girl Power!

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    1. Oooh.. I love this take. Now that you've given me the idea, I will enroll only hardcore feminists. First they will suck their victims dry and then bore them to death with their long speeches.

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    2. hahaha...Purba Maam.. On an aternote, Loved this post very much..Coninue churning out beauties like this..

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  17. hmmm innovative idea , I would love this super death squad to be first tested upon our leaders especialy the Khadi wearing ones :)


    Bikram's

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    1. Even mosquitoes have principles :|

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  18. Lol..no doubt u r the deserving winner :)

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  19. Purba,

    You really do not spare anyone from your taking a dig. AIIMS and Safdarjung better be on guard now. I am sure that MCD and NDMC would major suppliers for making CHOOS-LEE Brigade. Good one.

    Take care

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    Replies
    1. A Happy Diwali to you and your family :-)

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  20. So this is the secret brigade being nurtured in Bangalore? BBMP has systematically turned our garden city into gatbage city :(!

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    Replies
    1. So you think Bangalore is involved? They still need to work on the mosquito training bit.

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  21. Hahahaha. Humor at its best.

    and the nobel prize for humor goes to "A-musing"

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  22. LMAO.. I guess this'd be the first constructive use of Macchar in it's existence. But ye AK-47 par to Dengue bhi fail ho gaya... now what ?

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  23. heheh...great idea..:) I recently watched a telugu movie where the hero dies and is re-born as a fly (makkhi) and then kills the villian :P This reminded me of that..

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    1. Purba, the movie name is EEGA. I don't know if it is available online. I got the DVD from a local Indian store. Try if you have any there..it is lil bit indianish style, but somehow I enjoyed watching it..I watched it in the theater too :P

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  24. As ever amazing satire! Luv to know how you can link Kasab, sting operations, super-squads and hospital hygiene all in one post :)

    I can give you the movie name of FIF's reference - Eega in telugu; Naan E in Tamil.

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    Replies
    1. The sad part is dengue strikes only the good ones. The evil ones are invariably spared.

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    2. That is so true. Last month, one of my school teachers was struck by Dengue and she died in 5 days. She was such a super healthy happy lady. That was a shocking news to all of us. And the evil ones, nothing happens to them. Oops..sorry to comment here..Suresh, thank you for the reference. Purba, I have the DVD copy actually..had been thinking how I can share it with you? That way, you don't have to search for it..let me think n get back to you.

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    3. Aww...you're such a sweetheart!

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  25. Nice..... Enjoyed very much...

    http://debnature.blogspot.in

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  26. Have you been contacted to do the script for this blockbuster yet? Where the Karans and Johars? Wake up people...wake up!!!!!!!!! Pick this killer idea now :D

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    Replies
    1. I just heard about a Telegu movie, where the Hero is reborn as a fly and extracts revenge form his enemies. Now this is a KILLER idea :D

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  27. Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm Mm! (that's LMAO mosquito style)

    Enjoy that anti-terror scheme a lot.

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  28. Purba, after all the research I just came to know that it is in HIndi too...Makkhi..It was released last month only in Hindi..

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  29. Good one Purba :)
    Hmm, shall we give testimonials for the Nobel prize, so that there is no doubt in the minds of the jury. We could even hand you an Indian Nobel Blog prize :) :) :) lols.
    Enjoyed reading this.

    Regards

    Jay
    http://road-to-sanitarium.blogspot.in/

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    1. I could certainly do with testimonials from learned people like yourself!

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  30. one more great post to your credit. But, seriously we ought to create one of those mosquitoe bots to do th job. And also spy on them using the same.

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Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

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