Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Yeh Dil Mange More



Courtesy -news.bbc.co.uk

After a whirlwind tour of Disneyworld, Miami and Tampa to study their sewage and drainage system, Shri Mange Ram More, minister of state for Sanitation, Sewage and Drinking Water, came back with some valuable suggestions besides a dozen bottles of Blue Label, perfumes and a Rado watch from Duty Free.

A man of impeccable integrity and a lover of hard work, Mange More jee decided to get down to work as soon as he landed on US soil. He spent hours at the airport, making a careful study of all the loos located in the vicinity, interrogating all the made in Punjab janitors. He arrived at the conclusion that no drainage system was good enough to handle Indian shit. Yes, Mange Ram had finished his work in barely two hours, what ordinary mortals would take weeks to finish. Not a man used to wasting Indian tax payers money, he decided to spend the next two weeks making careful, intensive study of Uncle Sam’s bounties, especially on Miami beach.

It was after an enriching day spent at Macy’s, that he stumbled upon an unusual sight. Thousands of American men, women and children of all shapes and size gathered together to celebrate Diwali. Such funny people, celebrating Ramjee’s homecoming party on July the 4th! he mumbled to himself.

He was even more shocked when he learnt that it was the state that had paid for this extravaganza! Since when did the state start getting itself involved with the welfare of its people?

That’s when Shri More hit upon the idea that he knew would surely change the future of his country.

On arrival he headed straight for the headquarters to seek an audience with his bosses.
 
Before presenting his path-breaking proposal he had made sure to leak it to the media and anybody who cared to read it.

Presenting Shri Mange Ram's Charter for Festivals.

Since festivals like Diwali are nothing but a sheer waste of money, it is hereby proposed that the state will bear the burden of aam admi and sponsor community celebrations.

Since there’s no such thing as free lunch, a Diwali surcharge will be added to Income tax.

The state funded fireworks displays will take place over the River Yamuna. Since the river is already overflowing with toxin gases, it is recommended that the Yamuna be set on fire. Large stacks of files that have been collecting dust for decades in government offices will be placed symmetrically on the river bank and systematically ignited by concerned officers.

Frustrated terrorists will be encouraged to burst their bombs on the other side of the river bank instead of testing it in Hospitals, courts and marketplaces.

There will be live performances by the famed danseuse Sushma Devi, seasoned puppeteer Madam G, mime artist Manmohan Singh and a magic show by Wizard of zero loss.

The venue will also have exciting games like “Jump the red tape”, “Guess your Neta’s bank balance” , “Locate your missing file” ……

Those caught in jams on their way to venue will be entertained by their traffic signals that will play poetry by Kapil Sibal and adult education by Abhishek Manu Singhvi.

A delegation of ministers will be sent to US every year, to pick up the choicest made in China firecrackers.

33% of the celebrations will be reserved for Dalits, Meenas, Yadavs, OBC’s, Scheduled castes and Scheduled tribes.

66% of the Diwali funds will be appropriated by the hard working ministers of the cabinet.

Diwali will henceforth be called Rajeev Gandhi pataka yojnaa.

By the time Madam finished reading the proposals, her eyes were brimming with tears of joy. She humbly requested Mange Ram to include the proposal for Manmohan Singh dressing up as Santa Claus on Christmas and going door to door, begging for votes.

It was decided that an inquiry commission be set up to gauge public gratitude post Diwali celebrations. It was also decided to appoint an adhoc committee that will present a report on how to ruin other festivals as well.

As usual the proposals and guidelines were presented a day too late, in keeping with Indian traditions. Just like this blog-post on Diwali that has come out a day after the festivities.


61 comments:

  1. They could extend it to Dussehra as well.
    Abduct 10 very poor farmers about to commit suicide and stuff them in the effigy of Ravan at Ramlila Maidan.
    This will reduce the number of people below poverty line and push the country an inch towards the coveted "Developed nation" tiara.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why not the potbelied suckers? They have enough fat in them to burn for hours.

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  2. bang ...thats a laughter sealed in a mageram diwali pataka...happy diwali Purbaexpress

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    Replies
    1. What a pleasant surprise to see your comment after such a long time. How have you been?

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  3. Why do I have this feeling that Maange More is your split personality. :D Now we know why you went to USA and now are in Australia.
    And I do not see Didi or Diggy being part of the celebrations.

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    Replies
    1. One can only expect Didi to shout her - cholbe naa - slogans and Diggy to point out the RSS angle.

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  4. Apt satire!
    If Congress comes to power in 2014, Diwali could well be called Rajiv Gandhi Pathaka Yojna in 2016.

    And Singhvi's tips on adult education could be of great significance, since the secrets have been passed by octogenarian Tiwari ji himself!

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    Replies
    1. General Petraeus resigning from his post because he had an extra marital liason, sounds like such a big joke here.

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  6. Purba,

    After reading this I had to wait for long time to control myself from fit of laughter before I could type this. With every post you raise standards of satire and wit.

    Take care

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    Replies
    1. Hehehe....delighted it tickled your funny bone!

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  7. I generally pride myself on my imagination. But this post gave me an inferiority complex. Just too good.

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    Replies
    1. And I can't stop cribbing about my lack of imagination. One of the reasons why I can never dream of dabbling in fiction.

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  8. Pls dont give them the idea for Rajeev Gandhi pataka yojna.. they might just implement it.. seems like every 3rd institution in India has now turned into a RG institute..
    Guess the netas bank balance.. hehe.. do we get 10% if we guess rt :)

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    Replies
    1. I wonder what stops our netas from sharing their bounties! They will get our life long gratitude and we will be too happy to crib about their shortcomings.

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  9. I am surprised that Maange More ji returned from the US after just two weeks and having visited only one city. Unless you haven't told us about the 15 sequels to the original trip! (A following post perhaps)

    Such sacrifices our ministers make for us...I have tears in my eyes too (just like Madam). I don't think the smog from the burning Yamuna has anything to do with it!

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    Replies
    1. No....He had the time of his life in Disneyworld. So what if he was overweight for most of the rides!

      I read somewhere that the Govt is actually taking the smog menace seriously.

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  10. I seriously dont know what i can say here :) you said it all for sure

    Bikram's

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  11. I am a big fan of your writing :) awesome!!

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  12. Lol...I love your sattire..that's all I can say :)

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  13. A fitting tribute & satire on those many Ministers and civic babus who keep going abroad on study tour like the one you have mentioned and coming out with stupid ideas. On the occasion of this late diwali, let there be light in their heads & minds!!

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    Replies
    1. I'd rather send them to Sriharikota and launch them into space.

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  14. What an excellent proposal! This needs to be sent to the Cabinet ASAP and you should be awarded the Bharat Ratna for the suggestion of saving public money and helping line the already overflowing pockets of the politicians. They would be thrilled at this new source of 'funds'. The best part was the entertainment ideas. Laajawab, Purbaji!

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    Replies
    1. I"ll be happier with one measly account in a Swiss bank :-)

      And great to see you in your element, Zephyr jee :D

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  15. A perfect diwali patakha Purba making all the right noises :)

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  16. Masterplan Purba -- can we extend this to the Cauveries as well? When there is no water what will be left to fight over? Rajiv Gandhi patakha yojana will make sure that the entire plan should be passed in a jiffy. You are ready to be the puppeteer's chief advisor :).

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    Replies
    1. Oh yes! this is the masterplan meant to be followed by all cities.

      And I'd hate to replace Rahul G.

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  17. Purba...you are fabulous as usual :) You could have included the item girl performance by legendary duo " Maya-Mamata ".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maya will be doing a handbag dance atop an elephant in Lucknow and Madam M will enthrall Kolkata with Robindro Shongeet.

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  18. Hahaha! Love the Yamuna part. Why not ignite 10, Janpath? Would do us loads of good:P

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  19. Thank God this came in a day after Diwali :) Else we might have had Diwali deferred for a year till the proposed Rajiv Gandhi Pataka Yojana took final shape :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We all have high expectations from our government :-)

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  21. Excellent. Made me laugh :) Although I don't like politics/solitics .. except in news channel :) , but I enjoy your posts

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  22. There's satire, and then there's you. Plodding through the rest of your posts. Cheers, ma'am! :)

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  23. I just love your satires on these leeches.It is very difficult to say which one is best--they all rock!!!!!!

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  24. This has been the story of the foreign trips of all our bureaucrats and Netas for last 30-40 years .. having fun on tax payers money

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    Replies
    1. And can we do anything about it? Nope, not a thing.

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  25. hahaha!!! The satire Goddess strikes again - and how!!

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  26. Watte! Excellent one... But you could have included some more in this... Expected lines like "Rahul will eat with the people in the slums near Yamuna prior to Diwali celebrations" and some others... But this one is too good...

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    Replies
    1. LMAO @ your Rahul idea. Wish I could have included it :-)

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  27. hahahaha witty sarcasm at its best!

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  28. Purba best wishes for the Diwali and this cracker of a post:)

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  29. "Frustrated terrorists will be encouraged to burst their bombs on the other side of the river bank instead of testing it in Hospitals, courts and marketplaces"....ROFL

    from where do you get ideas to write such awesome satires!

    ReplyDelete

Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

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