Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Law will protect women






My guest blogger,Cacofonix, he with the acerbic tongue, has got a sneak peek of the freshly minted laws formulated by our venerated MPs to protect our second class citizens – women. In a rare act of benevolence and perhaps aided by a peg or two of single malt, he has decided to share it with the readers of A-Musing.


A country, somewhere near Pakistan and Bangladesh, is embarking on ‘sweeping changes in laws’ to protect its female citizens. The political advisor has told the Perpetually Mum (PM) that the phrase ‘sweeping changes in laws’, according to the bureaucrat’s thesaurus, is really the same thing as ‘sweeping (under the carpet) changes in laws proposed by the civil and uncivil Society’. So, the government can never be dragged to the courts on it.

Members of the law-making elected body (otherwise known as Mutual Parasites or MPs) know what is good for civil society. Which the English-speaking, forever protesting, forever tear-gassed, arrogant members of civil society do not realise. But, the MPs, like truly benevolent parents with the welfare of their children uppermost in their cranial chambers, have chosen to ignore all the barbs being thrown at them, throw out all the inane suggestions made to them, and arrive at a set of carefully thought through laws and procedures that will forever uphold the dignity of women. These are the highlights of some key sections of the draft, presently under review by the committee of Minor Sociologists and Gynaecologists, or in short, Misogynists.

Article 101 Clause 6: It shall be made mandatory for men to wear dark sunglasses after sunset. This will make it difficult for their brains to process visual stimuli such as feminine skin around the gluteus maximus or feminine adipose tissue in the upper quarters. Only policemen will be exempt because they have to catch violators and write challans. Besides, they have a tough job and deserve a bit of excitement after dark. The measure will lend a fillip to the sunglass industry, a sunrise sector, generating employment and getting the country’s GDP back on track. The eyewear will be smartly marketed under the brand name Rape Ban and make the perfect gift for women to give their men on their birthdays.

Article 111 Clause 23: MPs or those aspiring to stand for elections will forfeit their ability to purchase a party ticket (aptly termed because what you get after winning an election is pretty much like a party) after their third rape charge or conviction. It is a big country and there are lots of women out there, so once or twice is okay for chaps climbing up the ladder. But three is a no-no. Especially if you had your sunglasses on.

Article 212 Clause 1: A nationwide campaign will be launched to sensitise men towards the modesty of women. Men must respect women. All men who intend to commit an act of rape or two will have to first sign up on the national register to be made available at the website http://www.i-respect-women.co.in and attend 12 weeks of virtual classroom training on rape etiquette. For instance, how to politely ask a woman “madam, may I please have your permission to engage in a unilateral act of coition?”in Haryanvi, Sanskrit, Hindi, Manipuri and other national languages.

Article 222 Clause 1b: A national fund will be maintained through a surcharge of 10% on income tax payers and income tax evaders. This fund will be used to provide every single woman in India with a mobile recording device, a small notebook and a pencil (pens never work in these situations). A woman will receive extensive training from filmmakers such as Pujya Bhatt and Lakshman Balaram Verma on how to film the proceedings herself and take notes while the man is engaged in an act per Art 212 Clause 1 above. A court of law can hear a case only when there is irrefutable evidence – not all this fancy DNA stuff – and a woman victim can really nail it if she exercises calm and records all that she can. While breathing normally, as one would when one’s airplane is about to crash into a mountain.

Article 222 Clause 1a: This clause precedes Clause 1b above and entails equipping women with rakhis. As advocated by a prominent religious leader, addressing the male as ‘bhaiyya’ and tying the thread around his wrist or whatever comes in hand, often does the trick of putting off the act altogether. For years. The tighter it is tied, the better.

Article 101 Clause 2: Police will be provided clear guidelines on how to register a case. For starters, jurisdiction will lie with the thana where the alleged woman victim’s neighbour’s dog last went for a walk. The woman victim must then be rushed to a government-run hospital in an area whose PIN code ends with the two digits of the year the woman was born. No wishy-washy evasion between police stations on where the FIR is not to be lodged.

Article 400: To douse public outcry, the government will make it mandatory for rape trials to be conducted on priority by the judiciary. The Wall Street Journal has reported there are 95,000 pending cases (the government will take steps to prevent such malicious data going out) to which 13,000 cases get added annually. Fast Track Courts will hear a case within 123 working days (that’s two calendar years after adjusting for leaves and tours), following which High Courts will conduct the requisite screening hearings before the file reaches the Supreme Court. With 26 judges there, taking 42 calendar days on each case, you do the math – the entire backlog will get cleared in 420 years! Applause! Even better, with the judiciary engaged entirely on this social cause, all other court cases on political corruption, scams and murders will not even get a peek before the year 2432.

This way, even the (great)14-grandchildren of political leaders will stay safely in power. While (great)14-grandchildren of pesky civil society members would be numbed to eternal silence – and it was all their own doing.

Neat.


81 comments:

  1. Interesting satire. Love the acronyms. People sometimes don't like it but I think being sarcastic is the only way we can express the magnitude of problems of our social construct. Nicely done ;)

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    1. Thanks Manu. About the acronyms...well, I like to be brief!

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  2. Wow the world already know what the commission appointed is coming out with! Well done, Purba:)

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    1. Thanks, Rahul. Another secret - I am Purba's guest blogger. I will steal the compliments this time!

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  3. Is this a satire? Really? Seems so close to reality :(

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    1. Well, I left out some pompous and utterly retrograde pronouncements by some of our leadership. In real life.

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  4. IS THIS NOT THE TRUTH..

    I was hoping they will change the above laws.. ALAS

    moreover changing a law how will that help, who is going to Police the law.. we will need a police to police the police that is policing this law ..

    too complicated

    Bikram's

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    1. That really was the point I was trying to make, Bikramjit. A nation of law breakers and law benders does not become a better place with another set of laws.

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  5. Whoa! Well written, an excellent satire on the actual state of affairs here!

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  6. Brilliant Purba, Rape Ban - clever! Neat satire - I don't whether to laugh or cry at the way things are going right now! 420 years :(

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    1. Hi Deepa,you could try both. By the way, I am Purba's guest blogger. I don't mind sharing your praise.

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  7. I feel or say Fear this is what the comission will come out with..They will ban Co-ed culture. Tell all women to wear full body covering cloths. Tell women how they themselves are responsible for being in this situation.

    A Khap in Hisar has prohibited DJ parties, wearing T-shirts and Jeans for girls and no alocohol for youths..

    Way to go!!!!!

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    1. The way the khaps are going, pretty soon all the women will have either been killed or banished from their panchayats. That will leave their men to marry other men and figure out how to procreate. That should get them researching their ancient texts for some answers.

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  8. brilliant... if only our thick skinned people in power were affected by this...

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    1. If you try long enough, even a rhinoceros could giggle when you tickle. Could.

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  9. Looks like this is exactly what they are formulating. Neat satire, might just turn true :(.

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    1. Well, they certainly know how to snuff out such irritants

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  10. Brilliant. The level of investment that the keepers of the system have in the welfare of the citizenry is obvious from this detailed essay on steps being taken to prevent the exploitation of existing flaws. Now we can all rest easy. Not like we wouldn't have otherwise. Just saying.

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    1. "Nor was civil society founded merely to preserve the lives of its members; but that they might live well" Aristotle

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  11. Cacofonix,

    Very hard hitting and if read by any of those targeted, it will definitely be replay of Mumbai FB fracas. Best of luck.

    Take care


    Purba,

    Hope he is not singled out by those who may be framing such laws.

    Take care

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    1. I suppose they could stop insulting the holy books they place their hands on when taking oath of office

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  12. Ha....great sarcasm. Reminded me of an episode from South Park.
    But really, in Sanskrit?
    Also best of luck answering a comment above.

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    1. Sanskrit lends a touch of heritage and class. Like the Hindi of the middle ages at airports 'yatrigan kripya pravesh dwaar 6 se prasthan karein'.

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  13. Oh wouldn't our leaders loveeee these ideas?Do think about passing them on with the much popular "open letter".
    Great sarcasm.. as usual love it!

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    1. It will be straight up their alley. Or whatever.

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  14. I know you have plenty of readers for your blog, but this one definitely deserves to be published in National News. Humor apart, no wonder if many of this will become true...not 'sweeping changes in laws'..they will bring 'changes in sweeping laws'..btw, not 'A-Fuming'..make it 'A-Firing'.. :)...these politicians are suckers!!!

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    1. Oopss...that's what happens when a post is read in bits and pieces..I forgot the part that it is a guest post, assumed to be another of Purba's sattires..:P Nonethless, a great post, Cacofonix :)

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    2. Purba Ray likes this :p

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  15. Brilliant. A perfect satire which is on the brink of becoming a reality.

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    1. You know, I would really hate it if all our anguish goes down the drain. Again. The upheaval is without a leader and someone may just appropriate it.

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  16. Oh wow, the sunglasses stuff, the government may actually pick that up. I already have imagined a country with men showcasing the rape ban! Very witty, but really a sad state of affairs!

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    1. Helplessness does encourage verbal outrage

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  17. That is not satire. That is the reality.
    When I saw Matrix, I thought that we are in the Matrix and the machines have made the movie and shown it to us. They are laughing behind our backs that even though they have shown us the reality, we still can't grasp it. This post reminded me of that feeling.

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    1. Well, what our brains process from our senses and projects as an optical instance may not be reality at all. Matrix probably lines up with Maya as we are taught.

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  18. Amit is so right. This is a realistic satire. We have enough laws. What we need is implementation and accountability.

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    1. Dear Alka, you have voiced my strongest conviction. And my apprehension that stricter laws merely increase the price by which they can be bought or worked around.

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  19. lolz...really funny...way to go Purba...

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    1. [smile][it isn't Purba][she is in a different league]

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  20. Extremely hard-hitting satire and wonderful creativity in the acronyms as well as in the advocated measures! Hats off Cacofonix!

    Purba! You not only have a great talent for satire but also the knack of picking up great people for guest post! Kudos!

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    1. Purba must be having great pick up lines...

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    2. You ought to know all about her pick-up lines, Cacofonix, considering you were one of those picked up :)

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    3. Suresh, he's the only one I picked up to spend the rest of my life with :-)

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  21. Perfect clauses for the perfect bill for the safety of women. how did you get a sneak peek into the draft, Cacofonix?

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    1. Oh, I just had someone fax it to me from the Ministry of Offence

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  22. LOL at the acronyms.. but unfortunately you cannot use sarcasm and satire anymore as everything will soon become just a documented report. Very well written blog.

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    1. Farida, I continue to wish something concrete will emerge from all this that will spare our daughters the constant sense of dread they have to endure when they go out from home.

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  23. This one is hard. But unfortunately, those who are escaping will continue to get away and those who are suffering will continue to suffer unless hard rules mount pressure on these people. That is a satire but really effective one! Laughed but felt ashamed about the condition at the same time.

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    1. Harikrishna, I felt the same way when I wrote this.

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  24. Ever sharp tongue, Purba ji. Ashamed of the society we live in.

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    1. Purba ji's guest blogger also has a sharp tongue.

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    2. Oh, I am sorry, I missed the first paragraph below the picture. My bad :)

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  25. Very sharp (tongued) thoughts, love the rakhi and rape ban, as well as all the acronyms. Would have loved to see lady justice hold an axe to her feet. Symbolic.

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    1. Yes, the axe would be most appropriate.

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  26. Brilliantly coined! I'm a huge fan of Mr. Cacophonix, huge!

    A few minutes pass, though, and after reading this I can't help but feel a little muddy about all this. Where are we, as a society, heading to? And how can we, as individuals, change this?

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    1. Kartikay, I guess, for starters, we could urge women in our circle of friends, family and acquaintances to undergo some form of physical self-defence and distress response training.

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  27. Brilliant satire....You actually nailed it on the head!

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  28. Don't let this get in the wrong hands.

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    1. Thanks (from Purba's guest blogger)

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  30. This is one of the best satires I have ever read...and the way our government is working, who knows, they would invite you to draft this into an actual Bill!

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    1. But they may refuse to pay my bills!

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  31. Purba, you are too good to hit out at the right place.
    More articles can be added for menfolks like- Do not venture out after 9 pm, members belonging to RSS must stop wearing loose & broad half pants etc etc.

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    1. Ayyangar-ji, I would also urge that men from that august apolitical outfit do something about updating their outfits. I like your idea about a 9 pm curfew for men, though. [I am Purba's guest blogger]

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  32. This made me laugh. It might just be out of hysteria. How is this country even functioning, one wonders...
    Bravo, Cacofonix...now I have got to find your other essays! Do check out out my blog...I have a feeling you might find it right up your alley.
    http://reekycoleslaw.com/

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    1. Hi Rickie, I rant occasionally at Purba's blog, too occasional to run my own. So, feel free to navigate. Will surely try your slaw and see what it reeks of.

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  33. Oh, was this a guest post? Sounded very much like one of yours.

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  34. Wow Cacofonix...brilliant satire..!And so beautifully written! Unfortunately the people who MUST read this do not understand English :-( And thats why they are politicians !I am sharing this with my friends !

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    1. Anita, I am flattered. To avoid limiting it by language, I will translate the next one to American.

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  35. Rape ban? Much needed indeed.

    the entire backlog will get cleared in 420 years! Applause! //

    Sad state of affairs depicted in a sarcastic tone.

    Kappu - Happily never after

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  36. This was brilliant..! Superlatives fail me!

    Kudos to you
    Dagny

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  38. An earlier commentator is right – humourists and cartoonists show this shifty, sleazy and dodgy muck parading as ‘leaders’ up in language that prevents us from feeling completely dejected. Enjoyed the post, Cacophonix, and many of your responses to comments (the giggling rhino, Ministry of Offence...haha)

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  39. "The tighter it is tied, the better."

    My sentiments exactly....

    This post bites and bites hard. I'd like to read more of these. Give me more.

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Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

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