Monday, February 4, 2013

The real story behind the Taj



Courtesy - jokesPrank.com




Yo Yo Shah Jahan, lay in his chambers, trying to catch grapes with his mouth, thrown by his favourite slave Gulabo. Ever since he had lost 12 of his teeth last month, he had been advised a diet of kakoris and fruits.

So far he had managed to catch 6 with his gums, while the rest lay splattered on his beard. As he sat admiring his reflection in one of the 56 mirrors adorning the walls, he couldn’t help but notice the purple stains on his pristine white beard. They were going so perfectly with his brand new silken pajamas in pomegranate pink. SJ made a mental note to ask his favourite personal hajaam, Habib to create a purple dye exclusively for him. He possibly couldn’t have every Salim, Haleem and Asif sporting the same coloured beard!

He would have to keep it a secret from Mummy-Taz. The last thing he wanted to hear was that harridan rant about his midlife crisis. This is what happens when you have been married for over two decades!

Agreed, he was sick and tired of his job as CEO of Mughal & Co. And who wouldn’t? Imagine having to sit on a jewel studded throne all day, listening to a bunch of losers having no interest in art and music, complain about no rains, no grains and hunger! He’d had enough of being treated as the universal Aunty Agony.

These people just love wallowing in their pool of misery!


This despite the insanely successful Agra Literary festival he had organized for his awam, just last month. Which Emperor spends time, money and effort to promote a book fair under the garb of a lit fest? All the months he wasted sending his messenger boys all over the world, to invite luminaries including Miyan Salman, his many girlfriends and the dark slave Oprah Begum! True, some high caste Hindus had created some needless controversy by blaming corruption on the lowliest. But he had their heads chopped off immediately in the Bazar square.

And how could they forget his annual extravaganza, Jahangir Art Summit. The many sacrifices he made for the sake of art – sitting for hours, nursing a bad back, just to get 23456 portraits of him painted in different-different poses. But he still put himself through this unbearable torture just for the sake of his subjects. Imagining their joy as his, as they spent hours, admiring rows upon rows of his and his many begums portraits!

How foolish of him to assume that discovering the higher purpose of life was more important than hunger!

Yes, he tried water skiing on one leg on the River Yamuma. Went sliding down the corridor inside Fort…Ordered Armani’s Achkan online…had booked a diamond-ruby facial at Shahnaz’s Begum’s hamam! Big deal! It was his damn asharfees that he had appropriated as taxes from the Awam.

He tried telling Begum No. 1 that these were just attempts to overcome the frustration of not being understood. But nah! She was more interested in reading “Fifty shades of grey”!

He knew why Mummy-T was mad at him. He had made her pregnant yet again, for the 14th time. Just last year she had complained of having had enough of popping babies. She wanted to take off on an all-girls vacation to Persia. Stock up on kasturi and pamper herself with the finest silks. Could he help it that the awesome Hakim Sablok concoction of bulls balls, lizard tail and tiger claws, managed to turn him into a virile bull!

He had tried to make up for it with a candle light dinner on Valentine’s Day. Gifted her a 24 carat gold beard he had ordered from Tiffany’s, ignored her ghastly new hair-do and the pan stains on her chin. But she? No sire, she would have none of it and chose to torture him with her infamous silent treatment.

She was in labour now. My God! Can that woman cuss. His face was turning rose red with embarrassment. What will his courtiers think if they hear his begum scream – Khuuuurrrrraaaaamm…befakoof…namakool….may you have to go through labour to feel my pain! He ran to her chambers, as fast as his aging legs could carry him. For Allah’s sake Begum, can you please shutup? I promise to build the greatest erection in your honour - the world’s greatest wife who has never faked a single headache in her lifetime. Just as she was about to slap him, he hastily added – a monument so beautiful, that thousands of years from now, it will become one of the most popular tourist attractions of the world.

She looked calm now.

Shall we name it Wah Taj?
 

Mummy-Taz said yes! Yes! YES and dropped dead.

As he held the wailing baby in his arms, his mind was F1 racing with plans. Yes, Taj would be a perfect preoccupation for his bored mind.

He must ask his chief architect to start looking for 22000 workers who will willingly get their arms chopped off after the assignment.


80 comments:

  1. Awesome read, as always! :)
    "I promise to build the greatest erection in your honour" - ROTFL..absolutely ROTFL! :D

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    1. I'm expecting Shah Jahan's bhooth to haunt me in my dreams.

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  2. Purba Ray.................you are fabulous! If History was taught like this.....a whole lot of students would be acing it! LOVED IT is an understatement :D

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  3. The Begum and I were rocking with laughter as we read this. At every turn, we sensed shades of 50 people we know, and sometimes, even ourselves! Superb read.

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    1. Subho, your post in honour of your love will always remain my favourite. Had even shared it with my Shah Jahan!

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  4. Hilarious. Agree with Vinita ....if history was taught like this, I would have been a historian.

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    1. Imagine making us learn dates and names of battles we have no interest in?

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  5. I could have sworn this was the exact same conversation that happened between Kalmadi and his Swiss mistress - you know, the one who has a number by way of name!

    This was classic. Let me know when K.Asif's grandkids approach you for script rights for Muggles-e-Awesome 2!

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    1. Rickie, we should collaborate and write a script. I hope you're okay with my choice - Kamal R Khan!

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  6. subhaan allah ! aapki kalam ka jaadu chal gaya !

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  7. Well done Purba! Where was this story hiding all this while. All we studied were some boring stats and undying love for his wife. The real story is so much more entertaining :). Do I sense the Taj howling in laughter!

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    1. Taj/ Tejo Mahal...take your pick. Behind a great monument are a 1000 conspiracy theories.

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  8. Thank God, the idea of building a Taj Corridor did not occur to Shahjehan or else the current dispensation would not have to worry for DA(Disproportionate Assets ) cases, Purba:)

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    1. It seems its Mayawati who got lost in the corridors of power :-)

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  9. Love it! When is the trip to india?

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    1. In December, darling. Hope to meet you then.

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  10. A delightful read as ever. I have loved the greatest erection of all times!!

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  11. Purba,

    Satire with zoom speed from past to present to past again. Hope those involved enjoy the pun.

    Take care

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    1. Those involved have long departed.

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  12. Did I read you somewhere claiming you could not write fiction? Nonsensical notion - going by this wonderful piece. Satirical it was, yes, and as good as ever but sufficient elements of fiction-writing in it too :)

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    1. This is not fiction! This is retelling the story, mixing fiction with fact and so much fun!

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  13. Yes, a satire, a well written one at that. But to me it is doing a Quentin Tarantino on history. I am not left laughing right now, but angrily remembering...

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    1. Documented history is mostly a courtier's account, employed by the emperor. So, how much of the truth do we really know?

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  14. LOL... what made you come up with this?Am curious :)

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    1. This statement by - "Shah Jahan had no right to spend crores from the public coffers on his sweetheart," by Azam Khan :-)

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  15. Quite humorous and may the Phantom of the Taj haunt you for it.
    But err...I am not impressed with the choice of profanity Mummy-T used. Seriously, you have lived in Delhi & Gurgaon and these were the best you could come up with?

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    1. I should borrowed from your treasure trove of profanities.

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  16. haha :) isn't SJ the most happening of Kings? and btw, I agree with snow leapord, in all probability the Phantom of Taj is going to haunt you.. :P

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    1. Let me first contact RGV with this idea for a script!

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  17. SJ rockss mummy Taj :D :P ..an awesome hilarious post as always :)

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  18. Enjoyed this take on history. Satire always has a healthy doze of wistfulness and pathos somewhere lurking in the background cleverly couched in humour and wit. I found all these in your writing sans the profanities which err...irked me a little. Good Luck!!

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    1. I'm not sure whether I understood you correctly. Did you or did you not find any profanities?

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  19. Mummy-T is not going to forgive you for turning her sad tale in a Jane Bhi Do Yaro.
    And to think of it, the poor guy died staring at the erection and eating sour grapes.

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    1. Guffaws! Imagine Shah Jahan under house arrest in the 21st century. The morchas, the free-SJ placards, the indefinite fast at Jantar Mantar.

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  20. Only you could have done this! You're the queen of satire :)
    Sharing this one :)

    On a different note, I read somewhere that the arms of those workers were never chopped off. It was a symbolic representation of saying that those workers were not allowed to work again. They were given enough money to support their families for a lifetime.

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    1. Thanks so much for the share. You will soon receive a thank-you note from SJ with a single red rose.

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    2. Considering V-Day is round the corner, I would love to have the red rose ;-) (if not from anyone then from the emperor himself)

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  21. Taj always has been a controversial monument , but I always loved it due to its beauty even if only sexist thoughts and zero love went in to it's construction ! There are many theories analogies and beliefs . I too recently wrote An article titled mysterious and most controversial monument . U mocked creatively and good that all enjoyed here but I hav several doubts and . One of them is were the hands really cut and was it only shahjahan and moguls who had many wives and strictly followed polygamy ?

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    1. What good is a work of art sans the surrounding stories? The gorier they are, the more it adds to the mystique.

      Would love to read your take on the Taj.

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    2. if u have time -http://afshan-shaik.blogspot.in/2012/11/the-beautiful-and-controversial-tajmahal.html

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  22. Nevertheless I too wondered how much these kings spent on tombs and forts . If it came at the cost of hungry dying people then real bad but m sure moghul architecture is worth appraisal and they contributed to Indian history like many other rulers

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    1. These great monuments did provide employment to thousands of artisans. The poor got fed and the kings ensured a place for themselves in History :-)

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  23. Lolz...very cool portrayal and I agree KRKJ wud the bit, best!

    Keep them coming Purba! Alas! How about the notion that taj mahal was once upon a time a Hindu temple? No historical darshan on that?
    _________________________________
    http://ektakhetan.blogspot.com

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    1. The Tejo Mahal conspiracy theory? I'd like to believe it's pure bullshit :-)

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  24. Hilarious as usual. Speechless !

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  25. What a His Story Kal account! It was hysterical too. Enjoyed it to the end. Keep writing.

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    1. SJ and Mummy T's hysterical love story?

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  26. You truly are the queen of satire! The ghost of Shah Jahan might haunt you :)

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    1. Why might? Of course, he will :D

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  27. you missed this.. wah Taj :P and so now Board Member of Mughal and Co. Mr.Akbar would be planning to post something similar on Fatehpur Sikri.

    Weakest LINK

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    1. Or the Salim Anarkali love story?

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  28. Aah, we were able to see the magnificent monument in the most meaningful manner...Taaliyaan !

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    1. It is a magnificent monument - no doubt about that :-)

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  29. I came across this blog today and I cant stop laughing....can you add a bit about the tryant aurangzeb too in another episode maybe??? after all shah jahan about supposed to build another black taj and aurangzeb had got fed up and locked him up..then started his own tandav...we could re-learn history from you :p

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    1. I guess during those days, it was the done thing. The Prince would get tired of waiting and throw his aging Dad in jail.
      And this case there was sibling rivalry as well- the old man preferred Dara Shikoh.

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  30. Hehe...great post as ever...loved the illo too :)

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    1. Great to see your comment after such a long time :-)

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  31. Hahahaha... Going bonkers.
    I nominate you as my history teacher. :D

    my link: http://surbhibafna.blogspot.in

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    1. Will be reading your post soon :-)

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  32. Your way of coating disgust with a veil of satire--that's the only way to live nowadays.See how history repeats itself;only SJ had no Purba to contend with--lucky chap!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  33. Wish you could hear me laugh when I read your comment :D

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  34. Hello, Purba...just trying to get back to blogging..great to see you're going strong with posts.:)

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  35. Ha ha. Interesting take on Taj Mahal.

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  36. Turning the story on its head, eh Purba? Quite possible that Shah Jahan chap was actually quite like this. And anyway, the Taj Mahal is over-rated. Romance of course is over-rated too. Impressive post

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    1. Most of them were megalomaniacs with enough moolah to amuse themselves.
      Even I share your sentiment - there's much more to India than the Taj.

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  37. I was laughing all the way, clutching my stomach, greatest erection of all times, I mean how! Lit fest, Salman and Oprah, It couldn't get better.

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    1. Hehehehe..delighted that you liked.

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