Friday, March 8, 2013

Domestication of Spiderman


Courtesy - Google
It started when he read a joke that went viral. It was about him. Someone had called him the most stupid superhero of all, for wearing his underwear over his head. That state-of the-art mask took him 23 ½ hours and 18 bottles of Maybelline’s glossy liquid liner, to make.

Only a moron can mistake those carefully drawn doe eyes for leg holes!

Mr Spiderman had a mid-building crisis. He hung between sky scrapers for days, coloured his hair orange, waxed his chest hair, got drunk on Root Beer and tried hitting on Sarah Jessica Parker. Boy, did she have bony hands! That slap stung for days.

To think he had squeezed himself into lycra and spandex, crept up buildings, clung to inanimate objects, performed death defying stunts to save distressed souls, for no pay and just accolades?

After months of introspection and a vacation in Koh Phi Phi later, a tanned Spidey was back in his apartment to hang up his superhero costume forever. It took him hours of intense cajoling and buckets of tears, before an enraged Mrs Spiderman finally let him in. He had been an irresponsible and selfish husband and Mary Jane was not ready to forgive him in a hurry.

So he wooed her with all the skills he had picked up in Thailand. It was only when MJ burped with satisfaction after a meal of Chuchi pla kaphong, Kaeng hangle with steamed rice, could Spiderman sigh with relief.

Spidey had made up his mind. He would spend the rest of his life at home dedicating himself to housework.


It took him exactly a day to discover what a lousy housekeeper Mary Jane was. Kitchen floors that had not been scrubbed for months, curtains that had once been cream, mugs with coffee stains on them…The final straw was the mould he discovered in the refrigerator! He almost threw up. No wonder he always had an upset stomach. MJ had been feeding him fungus!

Agreed, he was too busy saving the world to notice the filth around him and was too tired to even do the dishes after the usual macaroni cheese dinner. But he made sure he never complained even if MJ served him the same damn macaroni for seven days in a row. He once had and was made to have stale bread with ketchup for an entire month.

Spiderman was on a mission now. After setting the world right, he had to set his home right. What good were his super-powers if couldn’t make the dishes sparkle, the carpet bright and the floors shiny and white?

His World Wide Web had now shrunk to the home page.

It was tougher than he had imagined. Waking up to shrill sound of the alarm clock and no coffee, going to the supermarket and having to choose between a toilet cleaner with bleach or pomegranate scent… large or extra-large cage free eggs…milk with 3% or 5% fat…dishwashing powder with powerball or shine enhancers…coming home to laundry and a pyramid of ironing, tending to simmering pots of gravy and a burnt finger….going to bed with an aching back….and waking up to another day of more housework!

When he’d get precious few minutes to reminisce on his glory days, killing Green Goblin and chasing runaway lab experiments seemed like child’s play.

Sigh! Fighting crime was so much simpler than fighting grime.

Spiderman finally knew – housework comes with no power and lots of responsibilities.

For Mrs Spiderman, the first few weeks were bliss. She would come home to a clean house, a warm meal (the newest recipe he had picked up from Nigella) and an exhausted husband.

The first hint of trouble started when she dropped spaghetti sauce on the carpet. Spiderman let out a blood curdling scream, looked accusingly at her before running into the store to fetch the stain remover. This was just the beginning. In the days to follow she would get screamed at for not keeping toilet seat up, dropping her wet towel on the floor, shedding too much hair on the carpet, not taking out the garbage, for never having enough time for him. And when Mary Jane tried lending a hand, it was never good enough for him. She never folded the laundry right, her chopping was never good enough, she was lousy and always cutting corners.

And then every second day, Spidey would turn around and ask – Is my ass getting bigger?

Her superhero husband had turned into a super nag!

So she started staying late in office, went drinking with friends and came back home only when he was fast asleep. Her affair with her assistant was a disaster. He fancied himself as Dark Knight and would insist she dress up as Bane! When she tried, her voice was never deep enough, she wasn’t mean enough, her toy guns weren’t impressive…God, men can be such complaint bags!

She knew she was heading towards hell till she chanced upon Deepak Chopra’s – The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success – A Practical Guide to the fulfilment of your dreams. That book brought her face to face with her destiny.

That night when she tried on Spiderman’s discarded suit, it felt so good! Mary Jane was ready to save the world to save herself from her husband.

Meanwhile Spiderman was busy preparing his speech for International Women’s Day. It was titled - Women don’t need emancipation from men. They need emancipation from household chores!


Picture courtesy - Happydent India


113 comments:

  1. Is my ass getting bigger...lol.
    Spidey caught in Purba's web.
    Happy Woman's Day. Have fun.

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    1. Damn!Alka. Now I'm feeling like a Tarantula.

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  2. Hehehee....awesome...btw, don't be amazed if I say I have never seen a Spider man movie all my life..and now I have seen all of them in one post...btw, a very big hug to you for the last line. Can I put it as my FB status message? Just fell in love with it..:) I am still ROFL...

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    1. I believe you girl. And you are most welcome to share this as your status message :-)

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  3. Kick-ass post for today. My first time here and boy, I'm hooked. Household chores are the most boring things and I would be more than glad if anyone offered to take it off my ass.

    Joy always,
    Susan

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    1. I'm going to quote Erma Bombeck here - Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

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  4. His World Wide Web had now shrunk to the home page :P
    Hilarious as usual ! I am sure the world would be a happier place if we didn't have to do house hold chores !

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    1. Yes, household chores are dull, repetitive and nobody cares till you haven't done them.

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  5. The perfect women's day read! Maybe I am not man enough. Who cares? Loved it. May you keep making the world smile and think at the same time.

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    1. At least you're man enough to admit it :-)

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  6. The more I read you, the more I fall in love with your writing. I'm caught in the web of your wicked fancy

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    1. The wicked spider, weaving her web of fancy to ensnare her prey. I quite like the imagery :-)

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  7. I just don't get the point you are trying to make. It seems as if you are stereotyping housewives, presenting household chores as a menial job, something that makes one fussy and irritating. It is humorous, no doubt but it is not making any pro-women arguement.
    Sorry if you don't like my opinion but i am just saying what i felt.

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    1. Housework is a thankless, mindnumbingly boring job. I'm sure there exist women whose life's mission is cleaning dishes. But, I've yet to meet them :-)

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  8. Superb, Purba! I too was bowled over by the World-wide web shrinking to the Home page, fighting crime being easier than fighting grime and the entire parodied role-reversal. Truly wonderful!

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    1. And it feels great that you liked my take on Women's Day :-)

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  9. Easily one of ur best!!!

    Take a bow, Purbaji.

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  10. Brilliant! One of the best Women's day posts I have read so far :)
    'His World Wide Web had now shrunk to the home page' - By far the best one liner I have come across since ages!

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    Replies
    1. That one line came after a lot of head-scratching :-)

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  11. A brilliant write up this one Purba! Loved it to the T.

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  12. Great Post Purba......
    Bechara Spider!!!

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  13. Hilarious. Good read!! Seriously, everything seems easier and more appealing to me than housework and everyday cooking. People seem to assume that love for cooking is in the second X chromosome.

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    1. It's a never ending list! I stay away from complicated cooking.Makes life easier for both of us :-)

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  14. Hehhehh....I don't think that's going to work on Cacophonix! Nice try, though! :D

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    1. Caco dutifully cooks on weekends :D

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  15. Funny, I thought Spiderman would kick himself out of the house to keep it clean! His webs would have annoyed him, you know.

    Happy Women's Day - what do we men do today exactly? Stay out of harms way, I guess!

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    1. But he has relinquished his superpowers and dumped his "web-shooters" in the nearest bin! He's now as ordinary as you and me.

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  16. NICELY WRITTEN HAPPY WOMEN DAY
    PLZ READ THIS POST ON WOMEN DAY
    @http://cajitendrajain.blogspot.in/2013/03/woman.html#links

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  17. hehe
    Lol ! loved reading it
    Spider man after wedding one is good ;)

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    Replies
    1. Got inspired by an FB share :-)

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  18. A lovely tribute to women on the special day, Purba:) Role reversals help in understanding that grass on the other side is not green!

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    1. Yes, we all seem to be under the impression that the either gender has it better.

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  19. Its a wonderful post on this day. Should be read by all men. I will post it on my fb if u allow me to do it.

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    1. You are most welcome to share.

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  20. that was hilarious.. :-) how are aussies taking your sense of humor!

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    1. No one has complained till yet :-)

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  21. That was a hugely hilarious read. I am sure Cacofonix is venturing no where close to this page today :-)! There is a new Idea ad airing these days which shows switched cellphones between husband and wife to make each one aware of how hard the other one works. this reminded me of it! Isn't grass on the other side always greener?

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    1. I miss Indian watching ads.

      And Caco knows what makes his wife happy :-)

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  22. Ever a silent admirer of ur blog, but can't help commenting this time.

    Ultimate post!
    His World Wide Web had now shrunk to the home page !!! Am still rof-laughing :)

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    1. Thank you for breaking your silence :-)

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  23. Hilarious read. You led us in your dream world coupled with your own beautiful interpretation. Compelling read. ROFL!
    Vishal
    www.vishalbheeroo.wordpress.com

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  24. pure, unadulterated fun,happy womens day!

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    1. Why should men have all the fun?

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  25. This is just such a pleasure to read!! "His World Wide Web had now shrunk to the home page." Awesomeness!!

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    1. Hahahaa....the pleasure was all mine.

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    2. Hi! Just wanted to let you know that, for what it's worth, I featured this post in my blog here: http://www.bigaandlittlea.com/2013/03/what-ive-been-reading-this-week-23.html

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    3. Honoured to be included in your list :-)

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  26. hehehe.... 'is my ass getting bigger?' ... superb!! Read it thrice and laughed as hard each time!!

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    1. Wow! even I am impressed with myself :p

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  27. His World Wide Web has shrunk into the Home Page..

    Damn Purba, from where do you get bloody good lines?

    But the transformation of Spiderman to a housewoman and his wife being vice versa was amazingly funny and.........apt

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    1. *blush* and thanks (not necessarily in that order)

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  28. Purba if you save women from house hold chores : you truly will have saved the world. Poor domesticated Spidey, I could not help laughing at him even though I sympathise. I hate house work

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    1. Ritu, just take off your specs, relax with a glass of Bourbon and the house will appear much cleaner. Chores be damned!

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  29. Purba your last line was a treasure. You have a deliciously wicked imagination... and I'm caught in your web.

    Loved this totally..! Can I reblog this?
    Dagny

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    1. Reblog as in share the link on your blog?

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  30. Superb Purba, how you manage it everytime! Even a spinderman - the super hero cannot handle a woman's forte, which a mare woman is expected to handle with élan (and with smile plastered all over her face). Closing line and picture had me in splits.

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    1. We the multi-tasking divas are superwomen in our own right.

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  31. Thanks for the laughs. I needed them today.

    Damyanti
    Co-host, A to Z Challenge 2013

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  32. You made everyone learn that why even a Spiderman could find it difficult to live a life of a woman. Hilarious! :)

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    1. Hell yea! it's a tough life for us.

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    2. I am whistling Purba :) mazza aa gaya... I loved "his word wide web turned into home page"

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    3. Hahaha...writing this one was fun!

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  33. Ha. Loved it. Totally :-). Anything might be possible for Spiderman, but the daily household chores could prove to be an even bigger threat that the small act of saving the world. I did read somewhere that "Women choose to work, to escape the household chores" :-)

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    1. Yes! The inimitable Erma Bombeck said this. And she was absolutely right.

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  34. Totally reminded me of Monica from Friends. Go Team Spidey!

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    1. Spidey has been singing "we shall overcome" for the last few days!

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  35. Oh God! ROFL!!! I have only two words....Too Good! ;)

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  36. World wide web to the home page- just brilliant, and kept me hooked till the end!

    I prefer to put up with my husband's Sunday afternoon cleaning and cribbing frenzy with a knowing smile and loud music on my ipod.

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    1. Household chores are the biggest obstacle between women and greatness :p

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  37. His World Wide Web has shrunk into the Home Page!!!!!

    You are a genius! Need I say more?

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    1. Incredibly sweet of you to say that :-)

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  38. Fantastic! My 3 year old son has a (possibly unhealthy and definitely intense) obsession with Spidey. Seeing the Super Hero portrayed like this was certainly a breath of fresh air!

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    1. Aw! poor baby.Let his dream last a little longer before he moves on to vampire hunters with laser guns.

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  39. Absolutely... wonderful...... poor Spidy trying to fight grime :) :) :)

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    1. Hahahahaa...delighted you enjoyed!

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  40. Ha....Stan Lee would be cursing you I am sure. Whattay web of wicked humour you have spun, Antius Purbus! :D
    P.S. You never make fun of the Dark Knight.
    P.P.S. Make it easier for us poor leopards to comment.

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    1. I had to disable anonymous commenting to stop the hailstorm of spam.

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  41. Fantastic and humorous ! Saying it even at the risk of sounding cliched :)

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  42. And I somehow feel that Spiderman will not be left alone in the house. The villians will attack him there as well. Imagine Spiderman making Rajma and Green Goblin attacks him. Spidey simply moves aside and the Goblin lands in boiling Rajma.
    THat will at least make him happy (in addition to looking at his ass) that he has not lost his touch.

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    1. Or what if he starts imagining Broccoli as green goblin and slays it with the kitchen knife?

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    2. If it helps, most kids consider broccoli as the green goblin already! By the way, brilliant post :)

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    3. And look at us now, chomping broccoli like our life depends on it.

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  43. How do you manage to come up with such topics??? Hilarious as usual! I found it interesting to read the affair the Mrs S has with her assistant and the piece that happened between them. I am kind of intrigued by it--for as an incident that portion seems like an insert that is meant to convey something more...care to shed light?

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    1. Was playing around with role play and role reversals. And how MJ gets tired of trying to live up to expectations. In most relationships, your enough is never enough :-)

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  44. Wonderful :-), The best part was the world wide web shrinking to a home page. True, Household chores are much more tougher to handle than the crimes around the world. I wish there was a world where cleaning and clearing up was left to a fourth gender!

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    1. Yes, I spent some time to come up with that line but never expected it to be such a hit!

      Grinning from ear to ear.

      Aren't Robots the fourth gender?

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  45. Awesome !! Spiderman gone gharelu. Is it an irony that first act of Desi-Spiderman was to help his granny in hanging the clothes in Sun for drying ?

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    1. Oh! those are his clothes. Too bad he made his Granny work so hard for him.

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  46. Very Funny. Enjoyed reading it.

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