|Courtesy - Google|
Only a moron can mistake those carefully drawn doe eyes for leg holes!
Mr Spiderman had a mid-building crisis. He hung between sky scrapers for days, coloured his hair orange, waxed his chest hair, got drunk on Root Beer and tried hitting on Sarah Jessica Parker. Boy, did she have bony hands! That slap stung for days.
To think he had squeezed himself into lycra and spandex, crept up buildings, clung to inanimate objects, performed death defying stunts to save distressed souls, for no pay and just accolades?
After months of introspection and a vacation in Koh Phi Phi later, a tanned Spidey was back in his apartment to hang up his superhero costume forever. It took him hours of intense cajoling and buckets of tears, before an enraged Mrs Spiderman finally let him in. He had been an irresponsible and selfish husband and Mary Jane was not ready to forgive him in a hurry.
So he wooed her with all the skills he had picked up in Thailand. It was only when MJ burped with satisfaction after a meal of Chuchi pla kaphong, Kaeng hangle with steamed rice, could Spiderman sigh with relief.
Spidey had made up his mind. He would spend the rest of his life at home dedicating himself to housework.
It took him exactly a day to discover what a lousy housekeeper Mary Jane was. Kitchen floors that had not been scrubbed for months, curtains that had once been cream, mugs with coffee stains on them…The final straw was the mould he discovered in the refrigerator! He almost threw up. No wonder he always had an upset stomach. MJ had been feeding him fungus!
Agreed, he was too busy saving the world to notice the filth around him and was too tired to even do the dishes after the usual macaroni cheese dinner. But he made sure he never complained even if MJ served him the same damn macaroni for seven days in a row. He once had and was made to have stale bread with ketchup for an entire month.
Spiderman was on a mission now. After setting the world right, he had to set his home right. What good were his super-powers if couldn’t make the dishes sparkle, the carpet bright and the floors shiny and white?
His World Wide Web had now shrunk to the home page.
It was tougher than he had imagined. Waking up to shrill sound of the alarm clock and no coffee, going to the supermarket and having to choose between a toilet cleaner with bleach or pomegranate scent… large or extra-large cage free eggs…milk with 3% or 5% fat…dishwashing powder with powerball or shine enhancers…coming home to laundry and a pyramid of ironing, tending to simmering pots of gravy and a burnt finger….going to bed with an aching back….and waking up to another day of more housework!
When he’d get precious few minutes to reminisce on his glory days, killing Green Goblin and chasing runaway lab experiments seemed like child’s play.
Sigh! Fighting crime was so much simpler than fighting grime.
Spiderman finally knew – housework comes with no power and lots of responsibilities.
For Mrs Spiderman, the first few weeks were bliss. She would come home to a clean house, a warm meal (the newest recipe he had picked up from Nigella) and an exhausted husband.
The first hint of trouble started when she dropped spaghetti sauce on the carpet. Spiderman let out a blood curdling scream, looked accusingly at her before running into the store to fetch the stain remover. This was just the beginning. In the days to follow she would get screamed at for not keeping toilet seat up, dropping her wet towel on the floor, shedding too much hair on the carpet, not taking out the garbage, for never having enough time for him. And when Mary Jane tried lending a hand, it was never good enough for him. She never folded the laundry right, her chopping was never good enough, she was lousy and always cutting corners.
And then every second day, Spidey would turn around and ask – Is my ass getting bigger?
Her superhero husband had turned into a super nag!
So she started staying late in office, went drinking with friends and came back home only when he was fast asleep. Her affair with her assistant was a disaster. He fancied himself as Dark Knight and would insist she dress up as Bane! When she tried, her voice was never deep enough, she wasn’t mean enough, her toy guns weren’t impressive…God, men can be such complaint bags!
She knew she was heading towards hell till she chanced upon Deepak Chopra’s – The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success – A Practical Guide to the fulfilment of your dreams. That book brought her face to face with her destiny.
That night when she tried on Spiderman’s discarded suit, it felt so good! Mary Jane was ready to save the world to save herself from her husband.
Meanwhile Spiderman was busy preparing his speech for International Women’s Day. It was titled - Women don’t need emancipation from men. They need emancipation from household chores!
|Picture courtesy - Happydent India|