Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Heir He Is

I make my debut on The Unreal Times, to rejoice the birth of the Royal Baby. Reproducing the post here for your reading pleasure.


Hours after a terrified Salman Khan saw Taher Shah running towards him and hugged Shahrukh in panic, the Duchess of Cambridge went into the world’s most awaited labour, at St Mary’s hospital. Meanwhile, Britain saw its biggest Labour party right outside the hospital. It mostly comprised of eagerly waiting news anchors and cameramen who hadn’t shaved and bathed for days. It was reported that they raised quite a stink.

Blame the Royal Baby or rather his 0.0000000067% Indian genes. When the baby finally deigned to make an appearance, it was at Indian Standard Time, more popularly known as aap 5 minute ruko, main paanch din mein ayaa! But when the RB (Royal Baby) did arrive, it got more coverage than Uttarakhand floods, Arizona wildfires and the Egyptian revolution – aII put together. And why not! In a world plagued by constant strife and struggle, where hope is like a lone fallen branch in gushing waters, Royal Baby is our only hope for a brighter future. Even the hopeless Indian Rupee rose by 7 paise to celebrate the royal delivery!


When the exhausted but ecstatic Kate held up RB and murmured “your heir has arrived”, she did confuse the balding Prince William who briefly thought the wig he had ordered online from Tirupati has made an appearance.


The overjoyed couple has decided to name their baby Prince of Wails till the Royal family takes its time to choose from George, Henry, Charles and Harry, for their new heir.
It has also been reported that Aishwarya Rai has air dashed Kate a crate of Abu-Jani’s trademark cavernous designer dresses to help hide her royal bigness. To help her shed post-partum weight, Baba Ramdev will be flying in his private jet to help Kate fold herself into half and reunite with her toes. The Duchess has also asked the Royal aide to book her tickets for Ajmer Sharif, to pray that her sonny boy doesn’t end up with Grandpa Charles’ looks and destiny.

Haryana’s Khap Taus have hailed Kate as the ideal bahu and have requested her to keep popping out sons in the future. They have also sent her their secret recipe to kill unwanted daughters by Telegram. Since the telegram is now resting in peace, the message is expected to walk all the way to Kensington Palace.

Meanwhile, our esteemed Maunmohan Singhji sent a hurried congratulatory note to Britain’s first family. It was later discovered that he had accidently condemned the birth of the Royal Baby and had declared that his government will take all steps to bring the culprits to book. Buckingham Palace is yet to issue a statement.

Manish Tewari, Congress spokesperson has already declared the Royal Baby as secular. Not be left behind, Narendra Modi, to show his solidarity with new-borns, will courier a puppy for the Prince in waiting.

In the meantime, India is still waiting for their Clown Prince to deliver.






89 comments:

  1. I loved the sarcasm in the last line. I liked the post in all.

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  2. The first line on this post completely floored me...I could actually imagine Taher Khan running towards Salman Khan waving his curls over his shoulders similar to the ones in the video....Awww...I guffawed during this post like umpteen times...Thanks for the dose :)

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    1. Taher Shah is capable of coluring our imagination in Eastman colour :p

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  3. Purba... Tumhi Superbaaaaaaaaaaaa!

    I want to translate this post in Marathi.
    Need your permission. Please!


    M.D. Ramteke

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    1. Sure! as long you give me credit for the original content :-)

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  4. Purba! How refreshing to read your post after a long time! The last line is the killer!!! Clown prince, eh? Rofl!

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    1. Praying that CP doesn't read this :p

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  5. seriously please lemme know what is aapna "mango man " aam aadmi neta kezri babu had to say about this .

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    1. You are an aam admi. What do you have to say?

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  6. Hilarious ! I am sure our own Clown Prince is feeling left out with everyone tending to the royal baby now. :)

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    1. I'm sure he's utilizing this break, chilling out in Spain.

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  7. Hi purba

    that was hilarious :) heir from tirupathi ? That had me in splits

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    1. That day is not too far away when Prince Williams will order a Tirupathi wig online :p

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  8. Only you could use to so many threads to make such a lovely tapestry of satire. Tirupati, Aishwarya, Ramdev.... The royal baby sure is helping the blogging community by providing such rich fodder, thanks to its 0.0000000067% Indian genes, no doubt :)

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    1. I am so glad that you read this piece, Zephyr :-)

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  9. Oh my god! you should host "The World This Week" from now onward...Prince of Wails, what a Royal Title...

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    Replies
    1. I used to do Jhalmuri Times, once upon a time. Picking up news bits from the week and stringing them together :-)

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    2. Whats Jhalmuri times? Yes, second Desi...your spins on the stupid things we obsess about is marvelous!!

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  10. Super post.. prince of wails.. rofl.. and well of course..loved the finale.. lol.. clown prince is the perfect nomenclature!

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    1. If he reads this, I'll get a one way ticket to Tihar.

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  11. I always knew that you are a good writer.But,didnt realise you could be Sooooooooo sarcastic.

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  12. Isn't it wonderful, this power of language to have homophones which land a totally different punch when we read them and harmless when merely listened to.

    You make apt use of them like a sword. Long live satire, and may you support it with the same vigour :D

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    (P.S. As first read on unreal times, congratulations for that too :-))

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    Replies
    1. Damn! even your comments are so poetic.

      Yep, wordplay is fun as long as others get it :-)

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  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  14. A typical Purba signature post. Enjoyed the read.

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  15. I loved reading this yesterday on Unreal Times. Biting wit, used so well

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    1. Yes, and I read your comment. Thanks so much.

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  16. Funny! All Hail Purba Ray! The Queen of UnReal Satire :D (And yes I ctrl+c and ctrl+v-ed my comment on Unreal)

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    Replies
    1. I quite like this title. Think I'll keep it.

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  17. In fact I was expecting a post from you about the royal birth :D And it sure was worth that.

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    Replies
    1. I posted it on The Unreal Times first and shared it a day later.

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  18. That was hilarious!! Enjoyed reading it.

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  19. Lobhed reading this!
    And the last line 'delivers' it all! :D

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    Replies
    1. I labhed reading your comment.

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  20. Hilarious..!! With a touch of sarcasm.. Loved it.. Keep writing..!!

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  21. Awahahaha! Your posts are such delight to read Purba. Pl keep them coming.

    The way you connected dots from Khap to Aish to MMS and finally ending with Puppy is too good.

    I am gonna post a piece on narendra modi today...hope you may like it...its just 17 syllables post and would like to hear your feedback (if possible). Cheers!

    www.numerounity.com

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    Replies
    1. Looking forward to reading it :-)

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  22. I totally cracked up imagining Taher Khan running towards Salman Khan, his gorgeous mane flying behind him.

    Loved the satire

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    Replies
    1. He's every man's nightmare come true.

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  23. hahaha... I'm doing the laughter 'lot-pot' after reading this!

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  24. read your blog post after long, nice write :):) Technology News and Updates

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  25. What a Great Write-up I am just ROFL... :-)

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  26. Bravo! Wonderfully hilarious! True though!
    Loved it.

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  27. Will making fun of a baby amount to child abuse?

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  28. hahaha, it was a fun read! remember few years ago all the news channels were busy covering some news about Obama's dog.

    so many characters in this post! i actually had to look them up on google to see who they are.

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    Replies
    1. Damn! I should have given links :/

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  29. Always awesome ...keep going girl...u make my day

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    1. I am going to focus on the girl bit :D

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  30. Your blog got blocked in my office and I was wondering why.
    I can understand after reading this, though! So very funny

    You should be knighted for this one :)

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    Replies
    1. Jeeejuzz! what are you saying. And I have yet to publish "My experiments with Mallu porn"!

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  31. This is seriously hilarious! And the last line had me doubled over clutching the sides of my stomach!

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    1. Had I uploaded my expressions while I was typing this post, you would have laughed louder :/

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  32. Haha,this was a real treat-very entertaining!

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  33. Witty , hilarious and laugh riot .

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  34. Amazing writing Purba. Hilarious. I am seriously baffled why there is so much of hue and cry about this royal baby. Even his first burp and first fart will be a global news.

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    Replies
    1. Yep, a woman gave birth to a baby boy and we were hysterical with joy.

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  35. this was super hilarious. you are so witty Purba. How cleverly you related so many distantly realted things together and brought out this humerous piece. Balding prince orders hair from Tirupati..my god!! still laughing.

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    1. Hahaha...the mind works in mysterious ways.

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  36. some royal mocking !! you are best at this :) That Tahir thing .... It is from Pakistan I suppose .. hehehe... maunMohan ji has condemned hahahahaha and Tiwari has declard the prince as secular .. top till bottom I am laughing madly !! the end was beyond awesome .. par the Indian prince- Pappu .. naach nai sakta :D ;)
    Awesome beyond !

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    1. Damn! I'm actually feeling so about myself. Thank you so much :-)

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  37. Way too many 'rofl' moments in one single post :D Please keep writing!

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  38. First time on your blog...loved it, loved the sarcasm :)

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  39. Maunmohan Singhji??????? :)

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  40. We want many things to be delivered and expecting it all from the one in limelight in our scenario is a very tall order, Purba:)

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    1. Are we expecting anything but entertainment from Prince George?

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  41. Always a great Sunday read...after ages to your blog Purba and my Sunday is made!
    Congrats on the Unreal Times association...my husband is a regular at that site

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    Replies
    1. The Unreal Times site has a huge male following! Well, they better get used to a woman's POV.

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  42. Classic Purba-esque Post. :D "Not be left behind, Narendra Modi, to show his solidarity with new-borns, will courier a puppy for the Prince in waiting." - SUPER! :)

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    1. It appears the Royal heir has caught our fancy and how :-)

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  43. The last line is the ultimate one :-)

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