Friday, August 9, 2013

India sends Mahawati to Broker Peace Talks with Pakistan


This post was also published on The Unreal Times, dated 9th August

Tired of condemning, not tolerating and still trying to frame a fitting reply to dastardly attacks by Pakistan, India finally decided that it has to move beyond severing cricket ties, to teach Pakistan a lesson. No more Aman and Asha and trying to buy their neighbour’s affections with Sallu and SRK movies. It’s time we showed them who the Big Boss is! After 55 adjournments and 56 walkouts in the Parliament, it was decided that the only way to deal with the world’s favourite headache and enfant terrible, Pakistan, was sending over a strict Nanny.

So, the hunt began for a woman with a towering personality capable of turning decorated officers into her personal shoe-shine boys. With shoulders strong enough to bear the weight of Anaconda garlands. A heavy-weight personality who could make grown-up feel like errant kids with a mere lashing of her tongue!

And guess whose name our esteemed Parliamentarians came up with? Who else but Kumari Mahawati, Uttar Pradesh’s very own Statue of Liberty!

Forbes ex most powerful, India’s Prime Minister in waiting, she’s also the only woman to feature in Thumka Book of Records for the record number of memorials she has built to honour herself. Sister to all Dalits and blister to the Yadavs and their henchmen, Behenjee also happens to be the only human alive to wear garlands heavier than Bappi Lahiri’s gold chains.


Who better than UP’s ex CM, to give a fitting reply to Pakistan’s ex minster of external affairs, Hina Rabbani Khar! What’s a few Birkins compared to Mahawati’s mammoth collection of handbags!


It was an auspicious day when Mahawati made her way to the Pakistani border. To augment her presence, she was accompanied by a heavyweight contingent. In the dead of the night, one could hear her delegation’s weighty footsteps along the LOC. As dawn broke, men dressed up in Pakistani army uniforms got the shock of their lives, as they woke up to a long line of mega Mahawati bronze statues and her stony-faced elephants, along the LOC. One look at her eyes and the soldiers sent an urgent request for diapers.






Phew! India had finally managed to come up with the perfect solution of peace - Maha behen and her hathis, India’s very own version of the Great Wall of China to keep the inquisitive Pakistanis in their place.

AK Antony can now take a break from issuing clean chits to the Pakistani army. UPA can stop blaming NDA for all its troubles. NDA can stop demanding answers from UPA to impress the gullible Indian public. And Pakistani terror enthusiasts will have to fly in made in China aircrafts to create mischief in our country!

Encouraged by the unprecedented success of their Maha peace project, India is now planning to dispatch Paranoid Banerjee to China to accuse all of them of being Maaoeeeeshts and geebhing them two tight shlaps phor encroaching upon Indian territory.

P.S The tweet that inspired the entire post, courtesy Priyanka Lahiri Sen.
 


53 comments:

  1. Send Behenji and Didi together to decimate our enemies. Of course Berkins are no match for mammoth pink hand bags of our Ganj Girl.
    Loved it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Woman power combined with lung power is an irresistible combination.

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  2. Why just Behen ji and Didi... add Amma to this formidable force and our borders will be secure. Letting them remain on the border will leave the rest to manage the country silently... I mean, what else can MMS do?

    Arvind Passey
    www.passey.info

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amma, Didi and Behenjee - Manmohan's Angels of peace

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  3. Looks like a winning plan :).

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  4. More to whoman power. ;)

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  5. This is a killer, Purba. I am seriously thinking what other leaders can really contribute to 'saving our country'.

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    Replies
    1. Right now they are busy contributing to our misery.

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  6. I wish they had sneaked Mahamayaji into that country surreptitiously. If there could be a Trojan Horse, surely we could manage a Lahori Haathi?

    Last I heard, Akhilesh and Papaji were trying to reach out to you. I think they want to sponsor this plan!

    :D

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    Replies
    1. I wonder who the Helen of Troy is?

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  7. Looks like it is a win-win situation. Behen ji takes care of Pakistan infiltrations and Didi ji turns the communist roars of Chinese intrusions to fickle meows when she lashes out at them addressing them as meow-ists.

    Perhaps we could also record the statements made by our deer politicians and play them on loop on these borders? Just a precaution, nothing else.

    Nice post!

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

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    Replies
    1. And with the sand doing the vanishing act, the statues do need a firmer ground. Of course, it's a win-win situation.

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  8. Now this looks like a substantial plan!! Kudos!

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  9. Absolutely wonderful...."Anaconda Garlands", and what is the deal with those bags even in Statues?

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    Replies
    1. The handbag is as important as Behenjee.

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  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. Thanks for this - "UP's very own Statue of liberty". Liberty as in footwear?

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    Replies
    1. Hahahaha... now, why didn't I think of that!

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  12. Aha! In Rickie's parliament headed by BlogwatiG were you perchance the Defence Minister? If not you deserve to be both Defence and Home Minister rolled in one :) Fantastic post.

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    Replies
    1. I want to be the happening minister, the someone who makes things happen.

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  13. do you think we can also send mulayam, akhilesh, amma, madam, baba ..in fact the whole lot?

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    Replies
    1. I propose a new state and a new state of mind for them.

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  14. All said and done, she really looks imposing.... and who knows it may work.

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    Replies
    1. Finally her statues can be put to good use.

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  15. Good one on the lighter side but the only language the neighbor understands is the one in which Uncle Sam speaks, Purba:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Madeline Albright had rightly called them an international migraine.

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  16. Great idea. Looking forward to another post from you on using Didi against China.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mamata Di, India's fitting reply to the Chinese!

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  17. Paranoid Banerjee hahaha ROFL .. u do it best !! hahaha I am giggling my organs out :) Well MahaWati is the next big thing Pakistanis wish to see after Lalu ji :D


    BTW- thanks to one of your previous posts which carried the name Tahir Shah.. I have a post on it/him ( put whatever you prefer) !! it would be kind of you if you dropped by share few words on the post :)
    http://mysay.in/2013/08/10/encounter-with-tahir-shah/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Taher Shah - a formidable talent that launched a thousand jokes :p

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  18. Hahaha! Another howlarious post :P Loved the diaper request part ;)

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  19. I wish Didi declares Pakistan a Maoist state. That will be the end of our ordeals.

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  20. Maa Purba..aapke charan kahan hain? :D You come with the hilarious of posts every single time and you hit the nail right on its head!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahha! she follows me on Twitter :p

      Delete
  21. Hum bahut khush huye--every word is a laugh riot--you are destined for much bigger arenas Purba.

    That Anaconda garland-i wish the henchmen would have let it land on the awesome throat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Indu, I'm happy making you all happy with my silly musings :-)

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  22. You really love her don't you or are you just jealous of her bags and pink dresses?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! And her garlands, her riches, her phobias...

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  23. hahahahaa..yes yes only Behenji can do it!!

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    Replies
    1. Behenji will India's suraksha kawach.

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  24. I am rather curious about the etymological ancestry of the word Mahawati. Does it by any chance germinate from "Mahawat" (Maahoot in Bangla)? With all the elephants referred to and romping around, I have an uncanny feeling that I may be right!!!

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    Replies
    1. I was simply alluding to the mammoth size of her bronze statues. But your version sounds more thoughtful :-)

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  25. She would first want to know that those she is talking to are Manuvadis?Then draw a list of cast they belong to

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  26. Mayawati is in fact the biggest reason why Pakistan would be thankful to its father, Jinnah. She's in fact, more fearsome than Krishna's maya

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    Replies
    1. I thought Krishna's wig was more fearsome than his maya :D

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  27. Well, with all the money and stone she used to erect those statues, we could have actually built the Great wall of India! ;)

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    Replies
    1. Hahahah! The Dalit wall of India.

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