Tuesday, August 13, 2013

My Experiments With Mallu Porn

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Since Porn is what men watch and women frown at, I thought, what better way to rattle your senses than get a good, Indian girl to write about her encounters with the unmentioned kind. Well, Red Handed is no ordinary girl. She's sassy, witty and authors the incredibly funny blog by the same name. Her humour is the no-holds-barred kind and it's tough to keep a straight face while reading her posts.

In this post she talks about the much loved Mallu Porn....


In the words of the celebrated writer Ruskin Rushdie “Mallu Porn is like Fashion, a national self induced epidemic”. Recently an acclaimed Hollywood director M.Night Spielberg was caught watching Mallu porn in his iPad during the international premier of his ‘Love in the time of Size Zero’. TMZ tried to get his comments on the subject but could only reach one of his assistants who on the promise of anonymity told “Not everyone is into Jenna Jameson or Tory Black. Even in the west, men are craving for bootylicious sistas from the Deep South, but are instead rewarded with sticks with makeup on.”

Mallu porn is a rage you cannot escape. It is like the closet from Narnia that has to be entered into to understand a world that is on the other side. It is like Hitler’s moustache. You wouldn’t find it pleasing but you also wouldn’t want to tamper with it. It is a religion, a secret society, of which you unwittingly become a sworn member.

I had committed the cardinal sin of remaining untouched by ‘THE’ Mallu porn for what seemed to be my 23 years of existence. Blasphemy doesn’t give you a free pass just because you are a woman, especially if you happen to belong to the land that started it all. It’s like living in Paris and never visiting the Eiffel Tower. I just had to dip my toes in the vast pool that was Mallu porn to know whether it would give me shudders or warm yet sensational goose bumps that would revitalize my views on porn. Now don’t be shocked when you hear about a woman watching porn, for in the words of the famous Meryl Moanro “Women have as many prurient interests as men. We just keep those interests a secret.” It starts with a bite of the bug called curiosity and then turns into an educational tryst because unlike men, women don’t get high on porn but merely find it amusing. If you ask me, I would choose porn over televised sports any day!
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So, in a hostel room dimly lit by the luminous moon, I had my clandestine meeting with Mallu porn. A packet of Jackfruit chips, a decent pair of Sennheiser earphones, an unlimited Airtel internet connection and thus my journey began. You don’t search for Mallu porn because Google rewards you with it in the mere mention of the word “Mallu” on its search bar. My first stop was ‘Mallu Hot Bathroom Masala’ starring the notoriously famous Shakeela. O.M.G.Kurup, the noted south Indian lyricist once said, “What M.S.Subbulakshmi is to Carnatic music, Shakeela is to Mallu Porn”. In a bathroom shadily lit by a hanging bulb, stood Shakeela whose body size and shape was inversely proportional to Sonam Kapoor, with a cleavage that was deeper than the Grand Canyon. She had wrapped her oiled up not-so-private parts in a muslin cloth that stuck to her like paint and was allowing a man shamelessly dressed in orange bell bottom pants to apply coconut oil on her Thunder Thighs. At this point, I doubted whether the man had magical fingers because her high pitched moans over a simple thigh massage was beyond my understanding. After what seemed like 7 minutes of Thailand style Thigh massage, the bell-bottomed man moved on to her jiggling arms. There was no kissing, no ‘honka honka’ of the breasts and clearly no sex. I could have very well watched it with my grandmother.

But I could have vouched that ‘Mallu Maid Hot Blouse exposed’ would bring me to the main subject. I was awarded with a woman fatter than ‘Precious’, wearing a floral lungi and a white cotton mountain peaks bra that demanded you call it a ‘BRAZZIER’. On top of her was a man whose chest hair could as well be mistaken for Malinga’s hair, who was busy kneading her breasts as if Clay modelling. If any sort of kissing was happening, French, English or Uzbekistan style, it was all curtained out by his moustache. All this was happening on a bed beside an Iron Almirah with a poster of our own Talaiva Rajni Saar stuck on it and Usha Uthup’s voice singing “Zubi Dubi Dubi” in the background. Breast Kneading, Painful Moans, Usha Uthup music, Rajni Saar and his Chashma, the curtained kisses and within half an hour the video was over. I was left wondering as to why they do not air it as a Noon show on National Television. So many exciting promises, all broken.

But did I get to later watch some serious Mallu porn instead of the high on moans, less on smut videos? Yes. Was it pretty or acceptable enough like the Ebony videos of pornhub? Definitely a loud No!!!! Will I watch it again? Next question please.

Mallu porn is an outbreak. Right from the VCR tape collection of a Bihari Babu, to the Night time Masala movie being aired at JUGNI theatre in Siliguri and even to the Web History of an IIT’ian, you will find it everywhere. It paved way for soft porn in the 1980’s when all of us were busy changing channels whenever the actor and actress sat down under the tree for a feisty session of flower make-out. Mallu porn with its Michelin tyre logo shaped women might not necessarily classify it as pretty, but in an era where women are melting themselves in the gym to be acceptable to their men, it acts as a small dose of encouragement to those gifted with some generous curves to feel sexy and wanted.

No one tipped his hat to Mallu porn as Mr. Emraan Leone when he said “You can Love it, Hate it and even try your luck at ignoring it. But it will continue to shape the lewd fantasies of men, young and old all the way from Bhatinda to Siliguri, and sometimes even beyond”

And for once, I agree with the man. 


Courtesy - Red Handed

Since this blog believes in equality, why not a hot blooded, Delhi bway's version as well? 
A Night With Mallu Porn


94 comments:

  1. wow!! what a well written piece...yeah, mallu porn is like no other!!!

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    Replies
    1. Now Thank you for being the first to read! :)

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  2. Hahahahha

    Now isn't that why Red Handed is, well, Red Handed.

    Nicely done post, and I don't think that she has gone to such lengths of expounding the nitty-gritty of her subject so coherently even on her blog, besides the fact that she is hardly writing there these days.

    Done with finesse!

    Awesome post!

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That reminds me, I should be writing more. The studies keep me busy :(
      But that should never be an excuse right?
      Thank you ever so much for reading!

      Delete
  3. Now I have to watch this, even though the writer has given us a fantastic preview, replete with the background posters and music.
    Red Handed, that was really spicey.

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    1. SPICY!! Now we do like it spicy isn't it?
      Feels good to be read and appreciated.
      Thanks!

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    2. Even my interest has been suitably piqued :p

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  4. Superb! Hilarious! And, Purba, you must let me in to the secret of how you manage to find such wonderful writers to guest post on your blog.

    So, THIS was the one you were threatening us with :)

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    Replies
    1. I am so glad you liked it!! Purba was good enough to let me write!!

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  5. OMG I blush to state that I havent watched any and did not even know it was a genre! Mallu porn, here I come (pun intended)!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WATCH!!! But consider this post as a warning! :D
      Thank you for giving it a read!

      Delete
  6. Hahaha...I have found the South-Indian porn amusing. Not particularly fond of Mallu porn...it has all the masala except the main ingredients are missing.

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    1. Hah, Amusing it definitely is and I am so glad that the Mallu porn doesn't concentrate on the main act. *SHUDDERS*

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  7. Purba, that was a smart move to get 'Red Handed' here with this rocking post on a territory not many would dare to tread! There could never be any disagreement on the keen eyed observations of the 23 summers old:)

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    Replies
    1. It was a smart move but a very risky one for me. Glad I wrote this though!

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  8. Too bad the Missus has implemented safe search in home PC, and forget office... those IT sleuths are too good.. So I hang my head in shame when I type that I am virtually a virgin when it comes to Mallu P.( now that the mandatory Indian Middle class disclaimer is in place, let me move forward :) )

    Absolutely hilarious post, loved every bit from Moanro to T Thighs ...keep them coming..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Safe search in Home PC, Such a downer! But where there is a will, there definitely is a way!
      Thank you for reading !

      Delete
  9. ROFLMFAO!! Arghh... don't know much about the 'Uzbekistan' kissing style. What's that?? Need to google right away! Awesome write up ...great sense of humor/reality observation..?! OMG!! :))

    Your blog cracks me up every time! “What M.S.Subbulakshmi is to Carnatic music, Shakeela is to Mallu Porn”." did the trick just now. :D

    Too good, Purba.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not me, Panchali. This awesome post is by Red Handed.

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    2. Who is Red Handed??? Extend my compliments to the author, Purba.
      Fantastic post, Red Handed.

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    3. Thank you for finding it funny enough!!! Comments are what makes a wannabe writer write!

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  10. Hahahaha superb and well narrated :)

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  11. This has got to be her best yet :'D

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    Replies
    1. Thanks PV!! The best deserves only the best! :D

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  12. I blush at my abject ignorance! Tut tut..!

    Dagny

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Internet has a solution for this!!!!

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  13. ROFL!!!!!!!



    From the description....I found out, digging out of my memory space, I've watched both the shows at some point of time :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahah, the two videos I wrote about are a popular choice!!!!

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  14. Now that's our Red we love :)

    She's a genius. Whattey post this. So tempted to google a few things, but I'm at office :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Go Home and do so!! Hah Thank you my Leo!!!

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  15. Oh dear Lord, forgive me for I have sinned by not having yet watched your bounty from Mallu porn heaven!
    *quickly Googles the relevant keywords for atonement*

    This was a classic! Now I see why you warned me about this one yesterday!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading. I wonder if I should be glad or sad that now you know about the evergreen MALLU PORN.

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  16. Hahahaha, This was such a true post.

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  17. God! I had the same thought when I saw that a massage could elicit such loud and painful moans. That porn is more hilarious than anything :-D.

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  18. ROTFL- Lil miss red handed take a bow :)

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  19. Ultimate :) thoroughly enjoyed!

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  20. @purba I was once shocked seeing a post like this from you...until I realized it was not by you.
    @red handed well narrated one. That is why people like more Indian porn than English one.....

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  21. Amazing description of scenes...could be used in sex-ed classes to deter kids from watching porn all their life! :D
    Following the author now!

    Thanks Purba for sharing this :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahah!!! Definitely would deter kids from watching porn!!
      Thank you for reading!

      Delete
  22. Hilarious :D Who would have thought that someday, someone would describe Mallu Porn so aesthetically. :D

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    1. You laughed! My purpose is served!

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  23. Red .. Hahha.. She is one hell of a character. The porno description is so vivid that I felt like I had a session of therapy with Dr, Shakkeela Herself.
    Lesson to be Remembered: you dont get to watch MALLU porn , It happens to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You would know! You are a southy yourself. :D

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  24. Now, that's brilliantly written.
    Awesome. :D

    And yeah people, don't forget to clear your history. :P

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  25. wah! I have watched a similar 'porn' film where they filmed a woman taking shower for nearly 3/4 of the movie time with background sounds of moans and 'ahhhs'. Seriously I had to switch it off really! It bored me too much.

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    Replies
    1. Oh yes! Boring it definitely was. But curiosity took the better of me :D

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  26. I'm dying here!! That was an amazing post!! THanks so much, Redhanded! Now, I'm off to Google your suggestions! :D

    Roshni
    http://www.indianamericanmom.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do clear your history. Hah! Thank you for reading :)

      Delete
  27. Well written.
    I agree with you on "her high pitched moans over a simple thigh massage was beyond my understanding"
    Mallu porns are classic examples of "faking at its highest order"

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  28. That was indeed a hilarious post. Wonder who watched these movies.

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    Replies
    1. Oh there is a huuuuuuuuuuuuge section who do. :D

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  29. The most outrageous, ignominious, heinous attack I have ever seen on my Mallu self esteem after Alexander The Great refused to attack us saying we don't deserve to be conquered by him as our per-capita alcohol consumption wasn’t at par with his. I don't know where you all - the so called rest of India(by which I mean people, not a cricket team) - got a Mallu label to the said art form in spite of us being the last to produce, consume such a thing in the entire southern hemisphere of Desiwood. No historian hitherto has made such a claim on it’s Mallu origin either, except Rangeela Thappad once mentioning that Mallus and Maals are words with same (Greek) origin. It is unfortunate that the so called press,press councils, Markadey Kaajus got nothing to say here about this blatant attack on our self esteem. Our stand has always been that “If the choice is between Shakira and Shakeela, we will choose Old Monk”

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hah, Chill!! The write i.e. Me is also a hardcore Malayalee!! And Old Monk ki JAI!

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  30. This was hugely hilarious! How come I didn't know of this genre earlier! Thank you Purba for bringing her here. Let me check out her blog.

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    1. Neither did I. Must thank Twitter for educating me.

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  31. Well, hats off to you for writing on something like this :) Isn't it awesome that this is one thing which doesn't hanker after size zero females and can be actually termed liberating ! Wonderfully written.

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    1. Now Thank you!!! Even though it is not pretty one bit, it is still a relief to know that men do crave for some curves.. Hah!

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  32. well, thanx 2 ya post coz it turned me in2 a blogger, so here i m tryin 2 figure out what diz whole bloggin stuff iz all bout, ..anywayz mallu porn iz national obsession no man worth hiz salt can claim 2 b oblivious, mallu porn iz not just a escapade fo sex starved indians its more of part of our cultural DNA :p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are right on the point! It definitely is in our DNA. Especially for the Southies!!!

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  33. Speechless and more than curious to check it out :D

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    Replies
    1. Ouch!! I am making people check out PORN :(

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  34. very funny indeed..enjoyed this post thoroughly. You painted a really vivid picture there :P

    http://www.lazypineapple.com/

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    1. I am Glad you felt that way. Thank You!

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  35. Congratulations Purba! Your blog won an award at the IBAwards 2013

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    1. Yes, I just saw. Still in a state of shock.

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  36. Funny. And thanks for introducing me to this species of Porn. But doesn't fascinate me. Too old, perhaps.

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    Replies
    1. Phew!! Finally I am not making atleast someone check out porn. Thank you so much for reading Sir :)

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  37. Replies
    1. OH DEAR LORD!!! YES!! I made a gruesome error!! :D
      Hah thank you!!

      Delete
  38. OMG!!!! You cracked me up and I had a tummy ache laughing after a long time :) You seriously write funny. Btw, not having it watched so far, I never even heard of it...don't ask me, which era you belong to ? okay :P
    And Purba, really appreciate you for bringing a very entertaining guest post to us.
    Btw, Congratulations on the Award. Am Happy for you. You deserve it.

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    Replies
    1. Hahah! Now this was one of the best comment.. I Love the fact that you laughed, and that too quite hard :D
      Also, Purba deserved the award sincerely!!!!

      Delete
  39. have you really watched any mallu porn actually? a casual mention about shakeela doesn't make you an expert in mallu porn my dear friend...

    for your kind info,shakeela era is a thing of the past now and even in that era malayalee men used to fantasise on sajini,reshma,maria et al more than shakeela....shakeela was only the favourite of those 'niche audience'(read the 'horny grandpas and middle aged men from the small towns of kerala who were obsessed with mammoth sized jugs') .for the younger lot,sajini,reshma maria were the favourites...those were the days when shakeela-reshma trio helped those small theatres in the villages of kerala to sustain themselves..but then the internet made it's entry to even the small towns and by early 2000s,the soft core mallu porn industry almost became extinct...

    now the legacy of mallu porn is carried forward by those malayalam mms clips captured in the mobile cams..but what i can't really understand is that y these malayalee females are still allowing their boy friends to capture their sexual act in cell phone camera ????

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    Replies
    1. Chill Boss!! First of all, Thank You for reading. Secondly, this is not a thesis about the Mallu porn and thus it doesn't need to be factually or historically correct and according to your beliefs and tastes. This is a humorous writeup and would be appreciated if you see it in that light. Also Shakeela is the soft porn industry legend, so it would be wrong of me not to mention about her. and both the videos I mentioned were about her. My experience ended there. Maybe you can write about the real mallu porn you mentioned. Would gladly read :)

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  40. shakeela is actually a repulsive figure....who will get aroused seeing 'her body'?I haven't figured it out yet!!!

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  41. Hilarious diatribe !!!! My clan has been stoked red handed.

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    Replies
    1. I am happy it turned out to be that way :D
      Thank You.

      Delete
  42. Great post! Hilarious!
    Was blog hopping, when I came across your blog
    http://thiswomanontop.blogspot.in/
    that's my blog, the musings of a woman. Do follow it if you like it!
    Great blog, once again!

    ReplyDelete
  43. OMG!! OMG!! Hilarious :)...I haven't watched one myself and don't know wether this post is encouraging or discouraging me to do so!!

    ReplyDelete
  44. Tnx it is really a Sexy i ever seen so it inspiring us So plz see this Watch 1000's of FREE porn videos & XXX movies at SmutVidz.com it a best site ever u see.

    ReplyDelete

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