Thursday, September 5, 2013

Assaram Clears Juvenile Test with Flying Colours

 This post was published on The Unreal Times, dated September 4, 2013
Image Courtesy - Google

Since it’s mandatory in our country for all sexual offenders to be juveniles especially if they are expecting little or no punishment, Jodhpur Police issued a search warrant for Baby Assaram’s birth certificate. The controversial Baby has been in news lately for molesting a 16 year old girl. Assaram in true spirit of the guilty denied all charges. After all he’s been touching many lives and their wives inappropriately for decades and has received nothing but adulation, donations and unnecessary security cover from the government!

A staunch defender of bhaiyagiri and its effectiveness against rape, the self-styled godman tried to do his bit for women’s equality by sharing the blame equally with his teenaged victim. Incidentally Assaram has always had an interesting relationship with young boys and girls. He either gets them chopped into pieces or tries to rape them! He also specializes in grabbing land and women foolish enough to be his devotees.

In our country only a man with such impeccable credentials enjoys political patronage and his many offences are treated with selective deafness and blindness.

With so many feathers in his cap, it’s shocking that Assaram doesn’t look like a peacock! But what’s more shocking is his appearance that belies his descending age. The bushy greys framing his innocent face effectively camouflage his youthfulness. It is a terrible tragedy that despite using Saundarya nikhar and Kesh Poshak, bestselling herbal remedies by his own ashram, the Guru of all things nasty looks so old and wrinkled. He’s now contemplating switching over to Madhuri Dixit’s secret to youth – Olay Regenerist.


But who cares for a septuagenarian body if the mind and libido is still in a juvenile state!

Unfortunately in India, nothing is accepted till it is certified by a gazetted officer in triplicate. Even sex crazed Gurus are subjected to hand jobs to determine their potency.

Assaram initially objected to any cross-examination, and even asked doctors why they were doing such an “unholy” thing. He, however, changed his mind after a few minutes of persuasion and told them that the soul was “anashwar” (immortal), so they could do to it whatever they wanted.

A doctor said that various steps are taken to carry out a juvenile test. “One is to cause stimulation of private parts of the cranium through naughty images. The other is to inject drug stimulators. In Assaram’s case, all he needed was stimulation to rise to the occasion and passed the test with flying colours. Unfortunately, the doctors who carried out the test passed out and are refusing to regain consciousness,” he said.

After his meritorious performance, His Holiness’ status has now been upgraded to his His Assholiness. Baby jee’s disciples promptly celebrated this momentous occasion by setting three police vans on fire. His ashram, meanwhile, has announced that women will be issued complimentary Meet and Mate Assaram passes for an uplifting experience.

Rumour has it that Baby has been approached by Viagra to be their poster boy. When contacted, His Assholiness refused to comment as he was busy watching Miley Cyrus’ riveting performance at the VMA. Later he sent her a friendship request on Facebook, which she turned down because she felt she was too old for him.


In other news, N D Tiwari, encouraged by Baby Assaram’s experience, has forwarded his application for a delinquency test. The medical team is on the lookout for a new pair of hands for the stimulating examination.



106 comments:

  1. Oh god I am wiping tears of mirth after reading this ! His unholiness indeed !

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  2. Ha ha. Howlarious. Meet and Mate Aasaram.
    His Unholy thing did rise to the occasion.

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  3. Replies
    1. It's men like him who thrive in this country.

      Delete
  4. Purba! THAT was outstanding. All I can say is "Sou sonar ki ek lohar ki" - one post from you packs more fun than a month of posts elsewhere.

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    Replies
    1. Oh dear, this is so embarrassing.
      Thank you so much :-)

      Delete
  5. What the f**k! ROFL....new pair of hands! indeed...may they be that of justice!

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  6. He is now all set to become more popular than ever. Once he is released, middle-aged and old men are going to queue up in front of his asharam to find out the secrets to rise to the occasions even at the ripe old age of 78. Assaram is the new superman of India!!

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  7. Awesome read! Loved all the punches :). He seems to have fired everyone's imagination. What a sick lunatic!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He has been doing this for years. Why wasn't he arrested earlier?

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  8. With so many feathers in his cap, it’s shocking that Assaram doesn’t look like a peacock!--- ha ha ha
    My goodness Purba, this is as sharp as it can get. I can feel your anger in this..
    Pen is surely mightier than sword..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unholy men like him give religion a bad name.

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  9. Oh my! Can't stop laughing. Biting wit, sharp cutting and oh so appropriate.

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    Replies
    1. Hehehe... Asaram's potency test tickled our imagination and how!

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  10. Gosh, I truly wish his lordship assram reads this post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If he does, his goons will hunt me down.

      Delete
  11. The greatest satire is the one that makes you weep for the society you live in. One can only bawl after reading this.
    Thank you for being absolutely ruthless while writing about our society's lunacy for having created millions of asses such as Ass-Rammed, Purba. I am afraid we really didn't deserve independence in 1947.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Doesn't it make you sad that this man has thousands of disciples who follow him blindly! That uncouth men like him flourish and enjoy political patronage! That the sleazeballs outnumber the honest!

      And all we can do is weep.

      Delete
  12. ROFL ... passed the test with flying colours...colorful :)

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  13. ROFL...'doctors passed out and refused to gain consciousness"... I actually witnessed metro loads of people of all sizes and shapes and from all places arrive at a metro station in Delhi because this unholy ass held a 'shivir'. Tired women were sleeping in parking lots late in the evening. What a gullible nation we are!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How easy it is to fool the gullible and con men like him take full advantage of it.

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  14. With so many feathers in his cap its shocking that he does not look like a peacock.
    .. I am laughing so loud. .. (and I'm in office)

    This is hilarious :D :D :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oops! Someone told me that my blog had been banned in their office. I don't want another office to join the ranks :p

      Delete
  15. havent gone thru news but this "piece of unholiness" is brilliant :) ROFL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww...am I glad you liked it :-)

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  16. This is a lovely piece and baby A should read this. lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You think that man has a conscience?

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  17. This is a lovely piece and baby A should read this. lol

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  18. Wow. Loved the way you ripped this assholiness. It doesn't make me laugh, the sharp wit makes me angry one more time. So well written, so well measured punches.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The more you read about than man, the more disgusted you feel.

      Delete
  19. Despite all this the Meet and Mate Assaram passes will be grabbed upon and women will still continue to meet his assholiness as their faith in his unholiness is unshakable... Pity... but then again... I just loved your post.. totally h(ol)ilarious!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They should deport him to Afghanistan to give spiritual guidance to Taliban.

      Delete
  20. A very sad saga of fooling the gullible which abound!Such people deserve no mercy !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yet he'll walk away with his head held high.

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  21. ROFL. Your post made my day Purba di. His Assholiness needs some serious ass-whipping!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A serious ass-whipping by all the women he assaulted!

      Delete
  22. Touching the lives and wives of devotees!! I am LOL here! Meet and Mate Assaram! I am falling off my chair :D

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  23. One by one they are joining the 'un'holy league of perverts

    ReplyDelete
  24. Witty as usual..and rightly put "But who cares for a septuagenarian body if the mind and libido is still in a juvenile state"

    ReplyDelete
  25. Send baby Ass-araam to that day care where baby sitters use those sugar coated canes to cajole such babies onto the righteous path and paint his bum red when he disobeys.

    ReplyDelete
  26. LOL! Wonder how this so called divine spiritual leader gets angry, runs away from truth & expects good food, comforts etc! Above all, battalion of police force was required to arrest this selfmade baba.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And that hypocrite was upset that he couldn't get Ganga Jaal in jail!

      Delete
  27. Its a pity our Baby Assaram can't read this in the jail.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It will make no difference to a thick-skinned pervert like him.

      Delete
  28. High time we 'ram his ass'...and you have done a fair job of it...really really wish he would read this at his satsang!

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    Replies
    1. And he has the audacity to demand special bed and Ganga jaal in jail!

      Delete
  29. It is sad that a nation of a billion people act as muted bystanders when someone blatantly attacks spiritual gurus through such articles. The guru is doing his Karma and you interpret it as molestation? Think of a world with no spiritual gurus, a world where there is no yoga-asanas, no ayurvedic aspirins etc? What can motivate us in such a place?

    The biggest contribution of spiritual gurus to the world is that they are the only people capable of assembling all the numskulls of the world in one place, so that if some day sane god originates and wants to destroy everything evil, she just got to visit the gurus and their ashrams.

    On a more serious note, “touching many lives and their wives” was a killer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ROFL!Santosh, this comment is priceless. Write a post in "Defense of Asaram" and tag me when you publish it.

      On a less serious note - thank you!

      Delete
  30. Literally Rolling On the Floor Laughing :)
    Now we will get to see his performance in Big Boss :)And his swayamvar too :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Who needs a Swayamwar when you can get a brand new woman everyday to play with.

      Delete
  31. This is beyond funny Purba. BTW are you writing for Russell Peters? This post should be circulated and celebrated. It's always a delight to read your post, but this one is pure genius.

    Some how it also made me feel sick to the stomach that 1000 of people follows him. Are they blind?

    I am seething with anger!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sigh...you should read the comments I got on URT. Got plenty of free advice on how to write satire :p

      Delete
  32. Shhh!!! Bapu ji will curse U and Ur life would be screwed. Fear God, he has designed women like that, so vulnerable for rape and molestation. I wonder it's a wrong design or he intentionally did that with some purpose :)

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  33. fell off the terrace laughing. A perfect sattire...kudos!

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  34. there's a reason why he has an ass in his name... with your baby references, i was curious how old / young this person is. born in 1941!!! So he was 7 when the nation got independent, and i guess that's the age when he thought that independence means he is free to do anything he likes... just read on wiki that he says that Karma yoga influences him... i m certain he meant kaama yoga.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This man has a legion of followers willing to believe his bullshit. You should see the long line of cars outside his Ashram on New Delhi's Ridge Road.

      Pity, men like him hold such a sway over the gullible.

      Delete
  35. ha ha :D you have pulled all the right punches. and you know what, Mr. Asaram has asked for a woman physician to visit him in jail everyday :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I read about it. That man is shameless.

      Delete
  36. Purba, this was another one of your brilliant posts :) Can't stop laughing, re reading your awesome post.

    ReplyDelete
  37. He has been busy praying for our souls all these years......

    ReplyDelete
  38. Damn him.Itvwas a pleasure reading another one from you.
    Ever wondered,how do people fall for such frauds?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Katju was right when he said 90% of Indians are idiots.

      Delete
  39. Country is full of perverts.Nice satire..:-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, we should start exporting them to other countries.

      Delete
  40. Wow! Seriously, such a sick person!! I don't know if it will be too much to ask that I hope he rots in jail!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He won't. He'll be out in just a few weeks.

      Delete
  41. Your wicked!!! and so right!!!! your Posts are FFin Amazing!!! Thumps up >>>

    ReplyDelete
  42. It brought a smile on my grumpy face, and it did not stop at that. I am in awe of you. You churn out masterpieces one after another. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please don't be. Not everyone is crazy about my brand of humour :-)

      But thank you so much,

      Delete
  43. Do you know that baba has asked for a female 'Vaidhya' for two hours everyday. Guess he needs some massages and certain 'jobs' to be done.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I read about it. He needs her for some chronic condition. And we all know what it is :D

      Delete
  44. Surely the media and him are enjoying all the limelight. A hard hitting post from you which shows us what sort of spineless generation we are. Some guys wears a dhoti and starts preaching and we run behind them, donate cash without thinking, attend classes etc. What happened to good old thinking and learning from others experiences. I am sure that anyone who reads your post will understand your point of view and will surely share it with others. I just did.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know I sound judgmental when I say, only the weak looking for a quickfix solution to their problems gravitate towards Babas like him. And these Babas like leeches feed on their misery.

      Delete
  45. Haha.. Purba this is amazing. The satire is sharp and the pic you chose is just hilarious. I've never liked Ass-aaram or Tamasha-ram or however you to pronounce his name. Did you know the guy is also a land mafia who occupies govt land in the name of constructing ashrams and goshalas.

    Here is my cartoon on the same issue. Have a looksy-
    http://abhyudayatoons.blogspot.in/2013/09/asaram-tamasaram.html

    - A very impressed fellow blogger.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A very humbled blogger will surely look at your link. Thanks for sharing :-)

      Delete
  46. This is freaking hillarious :D 'Meet and Mate Assaram' and 'With so many feathers in his cap, it’s shocking that Assaram doesn’t look like a peacock! ' Superb.. Wittiest .. Sharpest.. Hillariest.. (er, does that word exist?).. Nevertheless it is ROFL all the way !!!

    ReplyDelete
  47. Rip-roaring post-so many gems hidden in it.Thank God i did not miss it-i nearly had.
    Btw i followed your blog but am not getting updates,i will try again presently,see what is wrong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the follow, Indu. I do post updates on Twitter and my Facebook page.

      Delete
  48. He must have learnt it from Afridi. General V.K.Singh must be very jealous!

    ReplyDelete
  49. This is really a wonderful piece of creative writing. I really liked it.
    You can read similar things on our website too.
    Just visit us at www.sureshotpost.com
    Yours
    Shashikant

    ReplyDelete

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