Tuesday, September 10, 2013

PM, Sonia Condemn Condoms For Their Irresponsible Conduct


Image Courtesy - dnaindia.com


A day after the comptroller and auditor general took the Union health ministry to task for the 10,000 missing condom vending machines (CVMs), India TV, a channel dedicated to matters of national importance like “khatarnakh bhatak” stunned the nation with the video footage of the vending machines walking away in a huff! It’s still unclear how inanimate machines that had dedicated the rest of their lives to vending weapons of mass protection had come to life to express their dissent.

Speculations were rife about the reason behind this sudden uprising and which foreign hand to blame this time. Some even went to the extent of expressing their doubts about the patriotic leanings of these made in China machines! “Is this China’s ultimate revenge against India for desecrating their cuisine with Gobhi Manchurian and Chinese Bhel” thundered Arnab Goswami!

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was quick to condemn the condoms and added that they will not succeed in their evil designs. When asked to clarify about the exact nature of their evil plans, Manmohan Singh added that condoms have advantage of surprise and assured that he’ll continue to condemn them come what may.

Sonia Gandhi sent a stern warning to the missing CVMs saying once caught they will be injected with power to corrupt them absolutely.

As panic spread throughout the country and everyone got jittery anticipating the surprise condoms were contemplating, a few enthusiastic twitter addicts went ahead and predicted boomsday. Ms Arundhati Roy, a staunch supporter of Comrade Condoms issued a statement stating that she’s in touch with their secret spokesman who has revealed that they intend to make it large before the big bang.

Salman Khurshid, Minister of Unnecessary Affairs tried his best to pacify the nation by saying that “boomsday predictions are absolutely absurd”. The angst of these misguided zealots can be addressed by simply applying an ointment. He further added that his office has contacted M/S Vaseline to make them smooth and lubricated and if possible offer them six fruity flavours as a bonus.

The CAG conceded that "The wayward behaviour of CVMs may be attributed partially to the poor self-image and Mr Khurshid’s healing touch may just do the trick”.


As usual, the Opposition demanded that the PM take moral responsibility and resign. Before Manmohan Singh could say “theek hai”, they all staged a walkout and spent the rest of the day sipping milkshakes at Keventers.

AK Antony stunned one and all when he argued “What if they were not condoms but impostors dressed up as condoms trying to create mischief and unnecessary debates in the Parliament!”

Not be outdone, Chetan Bhagat tweeted “Mothers give birth but ultimately the c%^k belongs to the guy who forgot to put on the condom”. Happy Father’s Day!

In yet another breaking news, India TV has reported that the absconding CVM’s were last spotted at Khajuraho, India’s 3D version of erotica. Since this monumental erection is the perfect destination to make it large and become inflated pricks, special correspondent Ramsutra couldn’t help pondering if their next stop will be the Parliament.

Manmohan SIngh has yet to condemn this brand new development.


Also published on The Unreal Times, dated 9th September.


55 comments:

  1. You have perfected the fine art of making the 'Breaking News' with humor, Purba:)

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    Replies
    1. I still have a long way to go, Rahul.

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  2. From coffins to condoms, we can make money out of anything.
    But I sense foreign hand, communal forces and a Maoist strategy behind this naughty act.
    :)

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    1. This conspiracy is quite a handful :p

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  3. Lady you humor just kills the the bird with a blue turban... :P Awesome, Funny, rib-tickling!!!

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  4. Oh... what wild CVMs and you Madam have a wilder sense of humor...just loved reading it...

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  5. I am just totally lost :D I still cannot believe that you managed to write an entire post about missing Condom Vending Machines, managed to bring in so many politicians with their 'authentic views', and still managed to keep it sane and funny, all at the same time.....awesome post.

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    1. Wow! you made it sound so good. Even I'm feeling impressed with myself!

      On a sane note, thank you so much :-)

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  6. Weapons of mass protection; boomsday - hahaha, Purba! How do you do this? :)

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    1. I just tell myself, no dinner till you finish writing this piece of shit :D

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  7. "“Is this China’s ultimate revenge against India for desecrating their cuisine with Gobhi Manchurian and Chinese Bhet” thundered Arnab Goswami" - WHAT do you eat for breakfast, Purba ma'am, which keeps your wit whetted just right and just about all the time. And this - "CVM’s were last spotted at Khajuraho, India’s 3D version of erotica." - I could just go on and on. :D

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    1. And thanks to you, I just spotted a typo. It should have been bhel and not bhet :/ Damn, I need glasses!

      Thanks much :-)

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  8. We need to write a few french letters in protest......

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  9. Is this true or TOI news? If true, my guess is that the 21 crore spent on condoms got converted into a few condominiums somewhere..

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    1. ROFL! Presumably for a certain poor farmer in Haryana.

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  10. OMG, What did I just read?

    It was an absolute riot. And where did that 'theek hai' come from, do you re-read newspapers or such incidents just stay?

    It was what you call, 'howlarious' :D

    Cheers,
    Blasphemous Aesthete

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks to Twitter that never lets your forget gaffes made by our esteemed leaders.

      Aww...I'm so happy that you enjoyed reading!

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  11. Hillarious to the core. Brilliant post.

    I think that the CVMs have gone to attend satsang at BABA ASSARAM'S ashram. They wanted some peace of mind before their public installation after which they are on duty. Little do these poor things know that, going by the recent exploits of BABA, they will have to work overtime in the ashram.

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    1. I'm ROFLing at the thought of the CVMs at Baba Assaram's Satsang! I expect them all to rise to the occasion.

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  12. I may have laughed out loud, smiled, choked, guffawed and snickered but at the back of it all was one thought - what a way with words. Too good!

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    Replies
    1. Hehehe! I try but don't always succeed :D

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  13. Delightful humor, Purba! I also think that it is foreign hand that is responsible for the missing CVMs :).

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    Replies
    1. I agree with Rachna... !! it is the foreign hand :D

      enjoyed reading it!

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    2. So many hands to choose from! We are spoilt for choice.

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  14. A freak-out post, Purba. And, No one wants to miss out on Salman Khurshid's statements :)

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  15. Perfect form of satire, absolutely enjoyed it.

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  16. Another gem Purba --what if our country sudhrofied?I am sure you will still find stuff for your satires.

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    Replies
    1. Hehehe...no scope for sudhrofication here :p

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  17. laugh-http://goodiformation.blogspot.in/

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  18. Excellent. ROFL. May be CONgress CONfiscated CONdom machines in order to CONceive new projects.

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  19. Hi Purba,

    Was having a slightly blue morning and your post as always brightened me a little. Great Going :D

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  20. How I love such OTT posts!
    Waise, Rahul Baba and Dadhi-wale Uncle ne kya kaha? Or are you going to do a full post on that? :D

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    Replies
    1. Unfortunately, Rahul made his speech a few days later. He has promised to make my dreams come true.

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  21. The art of making money from anything and creating chaos from anything is both mastered in India. Making fun and yet getting a strong point through is mastered by Purba. :D

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    Replies
    1. That's high praise. You can contact me at cloud 9 :D

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  22. Well written.

    The last line says it all. Our PM will only open his mouth when he driven up a wall and that too with Soniaji's permission.
    Frankly speaking we have a bunch of goons sitting there and ruling us.

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    Replies
    1. It's not as if the Opposition parties are any better.

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  23. last report coming in ...some are spotted at a ...you know where ...learning the art of fast twisting and turning yoga from ..you know who ...Guru...oops is there a new angle coming in ..

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  24. great... i our PM working for himself.. may be someone pay him.

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  25. I am very sure that our neighbour Phenkustan has something to do with it.
    I hope we do not end up with condom bombs.

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  26. hahahhaha! a complete food for the reader in me...thanks!!

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  27. HOLY smokes! Purba ji you are really smashing this out of the park!

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