|Image Courtesy - dnaindia.com|
A day after the comptroller and auditor general took the Union health ministry to task for the 10,000 missing condom vending machines (CVMs), India TV, a channel dedicated to matters of national importance like “khatarnakh bhatak” stunned the nation with the video footage of the vending machines walking away in a huff! It’s still unclear how inanimate machines that had dedicated the rest of their lives to vending weapons of mass protection had come to life to express their dissent.
Speculations were rife about the reason behind this sudden uprising and which foreign hand to blame this time. Some even went to the extent of expressing their doubts about the patriotic leanings of these made in China machines! “Is this China’s ultimate revenge against India for desecrating their cuisine with Gobhi Manchurian and Chinese Bhel” thundered Arnab Goswami!
Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was quick to condemn the condoms and added that they will not succeed in their evil designs. When asked to clarify about the exact nature of their evil plans, Manmohan Singh added that condoms have advantage of surprise and assured that he’ll continue to condemn them come what may.
Sonia Gandhi sent a stern warning to the missing CVMs saying once caught they will be injected with power to corrupt them absolutely.
As panic spread throughout the country and everyone got jittery anticipating the surprise condoms were contemplating, a few enthusiastic twitter addicts went ahead and predicted boomsday. Ms Arundhati Roy, a staunch supporter of Comrade Condoms issued a statement stating that she’s in touch with their secret spokesman who has revealed that they intend to make it large before the big bang.
Salman Khurshid, Minister of Unnecessary Affairs tried his best to pacify the nation by saying that “boomsday predictions are absolutely absurd”. The angst of these misguided zealots can be addressed by simply applying an ointment. He further added that his office has contacted M/S Vaseline to make them smooth and lubricated and if possible offer them six fruity flavours as a bonus.
The CAG conceded that "The wayward behaviour of CVMs may be attributed partially to the poor self-image and Mr Khurshid’s healing touch may just do the trick”.
As usual, the Opposition demanded that the PM take moral responsibility and resign. Before Manmohan Singh could say “theek hai”, they all staged a walkout and spent the rest of the day sipping milkshakes at Keventers.
AK Antony stunned one and all when he argued “What if they were not condoms but impostors dressed up as condoms trying to create mischief and unnecessary debates in the Parliament!”
Not be outdone, Chetan Bhagat tweeted “Mothers give birth but ultimately the c%^k belongs to the guy who forgot to put on the condom”. Happy Father’s Day!
In yet another breaking news, India TV has reported that the absconding CVM’s were last spotted at Khajuraho, India’s 3D version of erotica. Since this monumental erection is the perfect destination to make it large and become inflated pricks, special correspondent Ramsutra couldn’t help pondering if their next stop will be the Parliament.
Manmohan SIngh has yet to condemn this brand new development.
Also published on The Unreal Times, dated 9th September.