Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Axe Them If You Can't Beat Them

Also on The Unreal Times


It was a fateful morning when Kumari Ashanti Kumari (KAKU), chief agitator of Peedhit Nari Bachao Yojana, chanced upon a revolutionary product. A spray that claims to make ugly, jeans hanging-underwear-showing, hormonal and insecure boys, desirable to all the hot aunties of their locality, but in reality does exactly the opposite. Mostly preferred by boys who think bathing is so last century and attempt to mask their body odour by dousing themselves with copious quantities of this deodorizer, they are able to have a universal effect on women – make them breathless.

What a divine coincidence that this product is called Axed!

A light bulb lit up right above KAKU’s head! What if she could tweak the deodorant’s chemical components and make it stink so bad that when sprayed on oneself, it makes people around you literally breathless and senseless! With a spray that makes you reek like an open manhole, she could save her sisters from the clutches of lecherous men with no self-control or conscience.

After months of painful research and development, she finally had a product that could make you smell like a Mumbai commuter’s armpits. Ashanti sprayed 177 girls of all shapes and sizes with this vile product and discovered much to her delight that it had the desired effect on men! It knocked their breath out of their lungs.


When KAKU shared this good news with her fellow comrades-in-arms-without-bangles, they collapsed with euphoria. These women had finally found a product that was more potent than pepper spray, pen knife and karate kick put together. What more could a woman ask for than a sleek can that can easily fit in her purse and is deadly enough to protect her from men incapable of keeping their tool inside their pants!

It was decided to name this revolutionary, path-breaking product S-Hit.

With the launch of S-hit, womankind could finally start attaching wings to their dreams and live happily ever after without having to worry about libidinous relatives, colleagues, fellow commuters, auto-wallahs, bus-drivers, pizza delivery boys, etc. etc. Sant Sri Ass-aram Bapu can stop the sale of his anti-rape Bhaiya kit and get back to advising his followers on more pressing matters like settling property disputes and bearing a baby boy after attempt number 25. Parents can finally extend the curfew hours for their daughters. Sheila Dixit can stop blaming others for the alarming rise of rape cases in Delhi. Delhi Police can stop blaming rape victims for being a woman. Mamata Banerjee can take a breather from calling all rape victims, Maoists. And women can start walking the streets without fear stalking their minds.

Wow, who could have thought that cooling hot and bothered men was so easy!

Just a word of caution – women are advised to firmly clip their noses before spraying themselves with S-Hit.

On the auspicious occasion of Dussehra, Peedhit Nari Bachao Yojana unveiled S-Hit on their brand new website www.lets-axe-the-men.com. 356865757 women liked it, 53686575 called it awesome, 56865 placed order for the deodorant and 678543287 men claimed they weren’t asking for it.

Interestingly, it also caught the fancy of headache enthusiast wives, husbands seeking solitude during IPL season, bechari bahus trying to escape tyrannical mothers-in-law and people who wanted to keep their house guest and pest free!

S-Hit - one solution to five problems! What an idea, KAKU jee!

Just a week later, www.letsaxe-the-men.com crashed because of unusual number of hits from the Police force. It was later discovered that the men in uniform are planning to junk water cannons and lathis with extra-large cans of S-Hit to use against restless Indians fighting for change.

Wow, who would have thought muting outrage was just a spray away!

www.axe-the-men.com will soon be coming out with a brand fragrance Holy S-hit! A revolutionary spray that will make you stink like India’s biggest drain –the Yamuna.








57 comments:

  1. This reminds me of the hippie age...... no bathing for a week !!

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    Replies
    1. And plenty of lice. Should work too.

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  2. Applaud Kaku's innovation. We really need something like S-Hit.
    Where can we place the orders?
    Awesome imagination Purba.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Peedhit Nari Bachao Yojana will be getting in touch with you soon :D

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  3. Your creativity has no bounds, Purba:)

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    Replies
    1. Yes, it has the propensity to run amok.

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  4. Deja Vu, Purba! Great to read this lovely piece of writing - again! :)

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    Replies
    1. And thank you for reading this piece of s&*t again :D

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  5. Purba you have hit a diamond mine--through Kaku ,now get it patented.

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    Replies
    1. Kaku has assured me a lifetime supply of Holy S-Hit. Would love to share my bounty with you.

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  6. What an innovation! lol. it brings forth peace. it should be nomiated for the Nobel Prize:-D

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  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  8. Am all for this S-hit. After seeing and smelling men spraying deodorant over their sweaty bodies after every repetition of bench press or lateral pulls...we need to give them back the same S-hit. Hats off to a cool invention like this :)

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    Replies
    1. It's only in India, people mistake deodorants for room fresheners. They arrive and depart leaving us breathless.

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  9. hahaha....am like rolling on the floor laughing :)

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    Replies
    1. The last time I rolled on the floor with laughter, I ended up mopping the entire house :p

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  10. hahahaa :D awesome write up :D

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  11. What a fabulous idea -- this S-hit thingy! Truly hilarious, Purba :).

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    Replies
    1. Should work better than Pepper Spray.

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  12. Wonderful idea! And those who can't afford this product can take a dip in a cesspool before venturing out on the streets.

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    Replies
    1. And in India, there's one in every neighbourhood.

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  13. S-Hit, now that is a brand name that has some aspirational value :D

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    Replies
    1. ROFL..more gaspirational than aspirational.

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  14. With everyone using S-Hit those who are stinking due to actual lack of bathing cab get away with impunity - that's use no 6 :)

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    Replies
    1. But most women are such sticklers for hygiene. Time to do something about it.

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  15. Innovation at its best... hilarious.. err.. where do I order for my bottle of S-Hit pray??

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    Replies
    1. You can make your own at home. Just start collecting sweat samples from men who stink the most.

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  16. Holy shit, that was fun! Have a sore throat but after reading this, zukham khul gaya.

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    Replies
    1. Damn, just when I thought I'd written a nauseous post :/

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  17. Hilarious, Purba. The idea is brilliant and I'm sure rape shall be a thing of the past with the S-hit.

    However, there are places where body odor is considered sexy. Like the Hadza of East Africa. I understand that the husbands insist that their wives don't bathe for 15 days, before they have sex with them. I'm not sure if it works the same the other way though. :D

    Here's the link...

    http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2009/12/hadza/finkel-text

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    Replies
    1. With drying water tables, stinky maybe the new sexy.

      Thanks for sharing the link :-)

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  18. Hehheh....but do you think the Men Folk of Haryana will sit helplessly (bedecked with bangles, so to speak) and watch this happen from the sidelines? No, Madamee! I am sure the Khaps are working overtime preparing a statement calling for a ban on Pizzas and Maggi for women. They are certain that eating large amounts of these videshi foods makes womenfolk produce this kind of S-Hit.
    You wait. KAKU will NOT make a cuckold out of them!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kaku has a nice treat in store for them. A carton of Axe-Chocolate. Once they start smelling like Cadburys Dairy Milk chocolate, no one will EVER take them seriously.

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  19. Your blog should come up with a tagline - No one can read just one ( Yeah I copied) !! ;) Howlarious as usual. :)

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  20. Rofl !!! what an idea sirji arrr... Purba !!

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  21. Can't help but laugh and laugh and spread S-h 'it'. How do you come up with these? Do you dream abt them by any chance?

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  22. Your imagination runs wild and what ideas bloom from it :) KAKU and her S-Hit :)

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    Replies
    1. Hahahaha...I am a strong believer of non-violence. Why axe them when we can knock them senseless with body odour!

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  23. hHahahahahha, I made my brother read this. He is a hardcore AXE user. and now he is waiting for this HOLY S HIT...hahahah

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  24. Who would have thought that a day will come when women have to spray themselves with S-Hit to keep the men at bay.
    But looking at the brighter side, we can also use this as a population control measure.

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    Replies
    1. Indeed! Time to give headache a well needed break.

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  25. Witty interesting as always and makes me helpless too when I think is this the only way to deal the shit :-/
    GREAT post

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    Replies
    1. The solution is as complicated as the problem.

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  26. Get this S-hit in the market, quickly. Get out of your holes and now smell like Man-holes Women !!

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Psst... let me know what you are thinking.

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